Partner would like me to leave our home so she can have one on one time
Partner wants me to leave our home on occasion so she can have one on one time with adult 30 year old daughter. I'm torn. The daughter doesn't accept me as family and doesn't want any relationship with me ( she told me that). She'acts nice to me at family gatherings and even wants to hug me in greeting. But she doesn't want anything to do with the 3 of us. She rarely visits here and when she does, she gives me a few minutes of polite small talk, then it's about her and mom. Last time she was here, she texted she was coming over to use our community pool. She let herself in using the garage code, then made small talk with me as she raided the fridge. Then proceeded up to her old room, where mom followed and had conversation. They went to pool- i passed in order to five them some time together- and when they returned I got no greeting, they both went to change, and i was informed they wanted to go to a certain restaurant for dinner. No one asked me my preference. And when i voiced an opinion it was shot down. My partner has a hard time seeing why I felt excluded and not important. She thinks I should be big enough to let her defer to daughter on the occasions she visits, and wants to have their alone time here, ie, private talks and go out to dinner without me, while I'm here.or, they make dinner plans and invite me along. And if I find that uncomfortable, to be gracious enough to make my own plans outside the house. I'm torn as to what's right. Part of me feels she should have that right to time with her daughter, including in her home. Another part says I shouldn't have to be excluded in my own home, or leave. I think it would be awkward if they have private conversation in another part of the house, and painful if it's dinner time and they're going out, or if I'm invited, that I have no say in it. I don't want to set up dynamics where, when the 3 of us are involved, i take a back seat. Am I being too sensitive- should i be the bigger person to allow this? We've been together 5 years and living together 1.5 years, and intended it to be forever.
Partner is being an ass and
Partner is being an ass and needs to be told that.
Partner is not being a partner- she is being a rude roommate.
WTH
If SD doesn't want a relationship with you, then fine. But she doesn't to free-load the community pool, raid the fridge, go to her old room, etc. It is your home and if she wants nothing to do with you then she should have nothing to do with your home either.
Of couse partner and SD can have private one on one time, and they can have this time at a restaurant or SD's place.
No way would I leave my home for SD's visits. Partner can leave.
I tried that approach once
I tried that approach once when daughter wanted to come over to pick up some things when partner wasn't home. Told her I wasn't comfortable with that, but, in deference to my partner, told her she could make arrangements to come when mom was home. My partner came home enraged that I denied her daughter access to the home. Accused me of being petty and vengeful. We fought a long time. But then subsequently i let her in several times after, just because it was easier. I felt like she was doing it to make a point that she has that right, and i sucked it up.
Honestly to stop by and pick
Honestly to stop by and pick up something would be no issue, unless she stopped by to pick up some things, stayed an hour, raided the fridge, watched TV, etc.
But just a quick stop to pick up something is no big deal.
I think you basically want to completely exclude her from the home because the dynamics make you uncomfortable. I think its fair to ask that partner and SD spend their private time outside of the house, but SD does exist and will need to stop by from time to time, so it would require flexibility.
Of course SD should ask if its a convenient time to stop by and pick up whatever. I think the issue is that your partner has granted SD 'rights' to the home that she did not consult you about or consider your feelings on. There is a difference between a SD who stops by as a guest vs. one who feels entitled to be there.
She wanted to come pick
She wanted to come pick things up a month after telling me she didn't consider me family and didn't want any relationship with me. At first it hurt, but once I accepted it, I felt like I shouldn't have to welcome her into my home when her mother isn't here.
Sure I get that the rejection
Sure I get that the rejection felt pretty raw.
But if she's stopping by to pick something up, that doesn't require you to welcome her into your home anymore than you welcome the UPS driver when they deliver something to your address. It is strictly a transactional type of thing.
Honestly you're better off that SD was honest and just put that out there, instead of the usual passive-aggressive crap of 'welcoming you into the family' then repeatedly stabbing you behind your back.
You do need boundaries for your home, but they need to be reasonable boundaries. Expecting SD to only come by to pick something up when her mom is there is excessive IMO.
If she told op she doesnt
If she told op she doesnt want any relationship with her there is no reason she can't wait to pick. up her crap when the bioparent is home. It's not like it's a 911 level emergency and the world is gonna fall apart if she has to practice a tiny amount of patience. Op, just block SD and ignore the calls.
Fuuuuuu*k no! How can he even
Fuuuuuu*k no! How can he even ask that?!?!?! He can go to her house! He can meet her for lunch/coffee! You should NOT be kicked out of your OWN HOME so he and his darling spawn can have a private conversation.
Change the garage code. All of that is completely unacceptable.
Ahem, add that "S"
Agree with everything else.
I think the issue here is
I think the issue here is your wife not giving you a heads up that she'd like to spend time alone with her daughter, or any ability to let her know if that day/night is good for you or not.
I don't think it's unreasonable for your DW and her DD to want to go out together alone. I don't think it's unreasonable for them to have conversations that don't involve you. It's also not unreasonable for your SD to not want to have more than a polite relationship with you.
Where this becomes unreasonable is SD just waltzing into your home unannounced, or with little advanced notice, and them both expecting you to just disappear. If your DW wants some time to herself or with her daughter in the home without you, she needs to ask for it - and within reason, you need to give it to her. My guess is that your DW would not be pleased if your mother just showed up one day unannounced and DW was asked to skidaddle without any thought given to what she might want.
I'd approach your wife in this way:
"DW, I'm glad you havr such a close relationship with SD, and I'm more than hsppy to give you two space a day or two a month. What I don't appreciate is not having any forewarning that she is stopping by and you ignoring me/asking me to leave/pushing me out when she is here. Going forward, please let me know a few days in advance that you'd like to spend some time with SD so I can eithet make other arrangements or we can chat about why that may not be a good day."
FWIW, I am a SD in addition to being a SM, and I spend quite a bit of time with my mom without my SF. However, I know that my mom talks to him before we do anything to make sure that he didn't have any plans. My SF doesn't care if we want to do something or have private conversations; he just wants the courtesy of being asked beforehand.
ETA: Regarding feeling like a third wheel, start declining invitations and be honest as to why:
"DW, thank you for the invitation, but I'm going to pass tonight. You two have fun."
Then later...
"DW, I wanted to talk to you about why I declined. In the past when I've been invited to dinner, I have felt like a third wheel. I'm sure you don't intend for it to be this way, but you and SD exclude me from conversation at the restaurant and usually poo-poo any ideas I have on places to eat. I would rather stay home and do my own thing than go out and be ignored. So I'm going to be opting out of these dinners."
If she tries to guilt trip you, just stand firm in your decision. If you feel like testing to see if things will be better, you can do a couple of test outings or meals. Maybe it's grabbing coffee as a group, or SD grabbing dinner at your place. That way, the interaction is either short or at home so you can leave if it becomes awkward/uncomfortable.
I appreciate your insight
I appreciate your insight being on both sides. What did your SF do while you visited with your mother? Did he always leave? How did any dinners out work?
Typically my mom and I go out
Typically my mom and I go out and he doesn't tag along. We do less dinners and more breakfasts. My mom typically makes sure that he has something to eat or brings him something back.
But, my SF has been in my life for nearly 20 years. I get along with him and care about him. My dad, though, has a long-term GF who I probably have a similar relationship with as you do with your SD. My dad's GF is just that; she's not my SM, and while I see her as a member of my family, I don't have super deep ties to her.
There are times I want to talk to just my mom or dad. Not to be disrespectful to their partners, but they aren't my parents. I may not feel comfortable having a convo with their partners. That is especially true as I go through fertility treatment right now. However, I also respect that, if my parents say they are unavailable, they are unavailable.
I think your issue here is your wife not respecting your boundaries and rights as an equal partner in your home. SD likely behaves the way she does because your wife gives her permission to do so. SD may not know that it bothers you because her mom allows it to continue. You need to focus your conversations on your wife and on how you're okay with her seeing her daughter, but she needs to be respectful of the fact that her home is now your home, too. She no longer gets carte Blanche say over who comes and go.
If they chose a restaurant,
If they chose a restaurant, why not go along with it?
What bothers me is that I'm
What bothers me is that I'm not asked my thoughts or preferences. Only their thoughts and preferences are considered. I have no opportunity to say either, that's great, or voice a reason not. I expect my partner to care about my wants.
Yeah, I read this first as
Yeah, I read this first as your wife saying, "Can you leave for the weekend so SD and I can be alone?" Which, um - no.
But that's not what she's saying - she wants to have time with SD that you aren't involved in (which is fine), and if she invites SD over, she wants SD to choose where they are going - and you are welcome to go if you want, but not welcome to change their plans of restaurant.
I don't see this as such a big deal. I also don't see it as a huge deal if she comes over and uses the community pool with her mother's permission and with her mother checking with you. I agree she shouldn't just come over if you aren't comfortable with it or just pop in. She also should 100% be expected to be polite and civil to you, period, with no exceptions.
Is there a reason you want to be involved in everything they do and talk about? On the rare occasions that my SS21 comes over, I'm more than happy to say hi and then leave him and DH to do whatever.
Maybe I'm reading it wrong?
I don't have a problem with
I don't have a problem with partner having alone time with her daughter, in fact I think it's right and encourage her making plans to go out and do things together. But i do feel like if she comes here, it should be her visiting us as a couple. She rejects me as family, and coming here with the dynamics of just being her and mom feels like more of that, like an affirmation that my presence doesn't matter. i accept that from her daughter, but not from my partner. If we're all going out to dinner, I expect my partner to consider both of us, not make me a tag along.
You're not her family, though
You're not her family, though. You're her mom's girlfriend. It's unrealistic to think she would come to the house to visit you and her mom as a couple.
Can you reframe your thinking
Can you reframe your thinking? Seems like you are making this a competition between you and your partner's daughter and that's causing more stress. If the daughter accepted you, would you feel differently and be okay with her coming over?
Does your partner have friends who come over just to see her? Siblings, etc? If my DH has a friend over, I don't insist that person spend time with me, too. I don't feel left out if they say, "Hey we are going to get dinner at X, want to come?" or even if they say that and don't invite me at all.
As long as her daughter is civil and polite to you, that's the most you can expect, honestly. She doesn't have to accept you as family and might never. I don't think it will help your relationship to insist that everything done when you are around must include you. I also don't think that's the real issue - the real issue is likely that you feel your partner needs to stand up for you with her daughter in some way.
Sometimes in a relationship
Sometimes in a relationship you do have to 'tag along' to support the other person. And they should do the same for you. For example - an office holiday party. You go as your partner's plus one, but no one asks you where the party is going to be or what your food preferences are. Then they do the same for you at your office party.
SD has made it clear she doesn't want a relationship wtih you, so when she is visiting with Mom and they decide to go eat somewhere it wouldn't be very logical to ask your preference. You were invited as a polite courtesy but the primary point is for Mom and SD to spend time together - so why shouldn't they pick the place? If you want to go to support your partner, then fine. If you don't want to go, just say a polite no thank you, grab your things, and go to the restaurant you wanted to eat at.
But if it were Mom cooking dinner for SD and they expected you to leave for them to eat together, thats a no-go...
Yes on time alone with SD
Shes being polite and civil to you. You are moms partner, and shes respecting you.
BUT, you should not be ousted out of your home. YOU have every right to be there whenever you want to.
If you are feeling excluded, make your own plans.
FURTHERMORE, no popping over and raiding the fridge like she lives there and its her place that she pays the bills on and buys the food for. Thats just super rude.
Good thoughts. I considered
Good thoughts. I considered that, until we started talking about the logistics of how the visit would go. For privacy, would they go to a closed room? Or would i be expected to close myself in the bedroom? It sounded kind of weird and awkward, and that's when it came out that it might be better if I went out and did my own things.
Yes, super awkward
So, she is considering your feelings there, by discussing how things would/should go.
I had an incident whereby Toxic Troll Bm suggested that I go visit and stay with my parents who live in the same town as we all do, so that her precious spawn could "bond" with their father together. He politely told her "no, its her home as well she doesnt need to go anywhere else." End of discussion. If you feel better going somewhere else, have your partner alert you ahead of time, and make plans with your tribe, or take yourself out somewhere REALLY nice and fun and take pictures and show your partner (lol!) But seriously, if you feel its awkward YOU choose to go or not go.
About the restaurant picking issue - if its THEIR time, they pick and you go along if you choose. If its SD being a third wheel to YOUR time, then definitely you should be considered.
I would think that if your partner and her kid were polite, they would consider your preferences, but youve indicated your relationship isnt exactly a caring one that she has towards you.
I'm also both a SD and my
I'm also both a SD and my husband has an adult daughter, I don't consider myself as her SM since she was married with kids when I met her. But when I visit my parents my mom and I go out and do stuff together and my Stepdad stays home and watches TV, but he's also in his mid-80's with COPD so he tires easily. But I love him to pieces and they've been married 37 years.
When my SD visits from out of state I usually offer to babysit so she and her dad can go out and party like rock stars.
Honestly if she wanted to use the pool and used her old bedroom to change in I probably wouldn't notice.
No is a complete conversation.
No to the rude SD being in your home whether you are there or not. Damned sure no to leaving YOUR home to facilitate the comfort of this rude non family member.
And no to she and your wife dictating where the three of go to dinner. Time to list the house, sell, move to a fresh State where SD has little to no influence over your marriage.
For sure sit your bride down, go through every bullet point on her daughter's rude bullshit and how your wife has facilitated it. End the session with "Fix it or I will and nether of you will like if I have to fix it."
Yeah, bulldozing is always a
Yeah, bulldozing is always a way to make a relationship work.
Well, do nothing is always an
Well, do nothing is always an option I suppose. Though in situations like this all that accomplishes is a continuation of the same historic toxic bullshit and misery.
This DW needs a regular reminder of her rude daughter's crap until she gives her rude adult child clarity.
People can visit and have one on one time while others are in the home. Ice tea on the back porch/patio, wine and finger food at the table, go for a walk, etc.... It would never enter my mind, nor would it enter my bride's mind to suggest that either of us should leave the home to accommodate a rude adult family member's manipulative crap and need for mommy time.
None of this passes the smell test IMHO. This SD is peeing on her own mother's leg to mark her territory and is baring her teeth in an attempt to keep her own mother's DH at a distance. Nope, not in my world.
As for bulldozing facilitating a workable relationship. No argument from me. Though that is exactly what the OP's SD and his own wife are doing to him.
First of all, OP isn't a male
First of all, OP isn't a male. This is a same-sex female relationship. The dynamic can be much different from what I've seen.
OP said her fiancee's daughter was polite, and would chit chat with her when the daughter came over. I got the impression the house is where the daughter grew up, and her mom doesn't want to tell her she's not welcome. Why should mom? That's her child, and that's a place a child can feel comfortable, and talk to her mother about whatever.
BTW, your "bride" ceased being a bride the day you married her. Now she's just a wife. Brides are brides only for their wedding day. After that ....
I figured out the couple dynamic after my comment.
The OP and her wife being a same sex couple is irrelevant. That SD and the DW pull this shit is no less nor more egregious when considered in the context of a same sex blended family SO relationship.
If my son's SO and his kid pulled this shit I would have the. same position. Fortunately my son nor his boy friend have children.
This is not a "child" this is a rude manipulative adult woman who is staking her territory and actively interfering in the OP's relationship and campaigning to marginalize her mother's mate.
What difference does it make whether or not the relationship home is where this manipulative SD grew up? That does not justify the behavior of either the SD or the BM or their treatment of the OP.
As for my bride, a bride has the wedding day experience as the bride but they are a bride for the duration of the marriage. As for "just a wife". Really? My bride has been both my bride and my wife every day for more than 27 years. Just as my mom has been my dad's bride and wife for more than 59 years. My bride is and always will be my bride and every day I recognize how blessed I am that she is my bride, my wife and that I am her equity life partner. I honor her as the amazing woman, wife, and bride she is every day. I don't always get it right but I make sure she knows.
If more people in marriages treated their wife as their bride every single day STalk would be a much smaller as a community than it is.
I am confident that if the OP were treated as her wife's bride they would not be struggling with this situation.
SD needs to respect you but
SD needs to respect you but at the same time it might be nice if you give them some time to. E together. Yes, your partner needs to show you two as a unitied front but at the same time she needs to maintain a relationship with her daughter. Think about what your partner is going through. It's hard balancing. I would draw some lines such as if SD is going to come over that you need to be treated with respect otherwise they can go out somewhere else. If they want to have alone time then you should be allowed to go out and do what you want aka get a massage, mani, pedi, go see a movie, buy yourself an amazing dinner on partner's dime.
Imm more concerned that the wife here doesn’t even feel guilty
Going on events exclusively to exclude her spouse thereby reinforcing that this behaviour and disrespect is 100% ok and encouraged.
a healthy spouse would see right through this intentional shunning and not be ok with it because they should want to spend time together.
my skids (sd's especially who were 23 & 13 and ss20) would shun us at meets and just talk to daddy but it was such fake smalltalk all revolving around bio mum and stepdad. My husband claimed it was quality family time till 3rd visit in and i said stuff it.
i refused to attend and told my husband it was bloody clear they were shunning us which he refused to acknowledge or see. Until the 1st visit out they played 1 big happy family like me and my 2 kids with hubby who were 1 & 2 didn't exist.
that hurt my husband so much because on his days off, he wants to spend it with us too and just wanted us all to get along. My husband saw that day how intentional it was they were trying to do everything in their power to isolate us and remove us out of my husbands eyes.
the even dumber thing was right after they've milked daddy off a fancy lunch, they go back to no contact. Hubby realised pretty soon this behaviour kills off any intimacy between us and i frankly wanted no sex with a man allowing this behaviour towards me and our kids. I refuse any contact or outings with them. Any family events they will be at, i tell hubby i will stay home and not torture myself with their disrespect.
Question
Did you move into your girlfriend's house? Sounds like the daughter has an old room there and your girlfriend seems to have the attitude that she can so what she wants in her house. This sounds like a turf issue.
Feel bad for you
I have an adult 30 year old daughter. I would not leave my home for his kid and I would never ask him to leave our home for mine. I would sit her down and explain to her that this is your home as well. Going through something similiar and that is exactly what I said to him.
It's Concerning OP Is Not Yet Married & These Obstacles Aren't
improving or getting better. Without agreements between the two partners, nothing will change. Even if there are discussions, it may have an adverse effect. My point being, this is supposed to be the "fun phase": dating and getting to know one another.
OP, do you know why there is so much disdai for you from your partner's daughter? My concern (from experience) becomes, what is so private that you cannot be included and must be excluded? In my situation, adult SK's would instigate conversation that would berate me, and of course DH wouldn't intervene or say anything to the contrary (which is actually agreeing. Saying nothing is SAYING SOMETHING) and they would get together with DH (who has brain damage) without me to take DH to attorneys to get him to hand over all he owns NOW, with little to no provision for his wife. In my situation, my not wanting them to have "alone time" is justifiable, because when they do, it always has ulterior motives, and underpinnings that are less than transparent. This is just ONE example of what has happend when there is "alone time."
Typically younger children need , prefer, or require one on one time with a parent. I have adult kids and we are close, but we do not require exlusive alone time away from DH or anyone else. I usually cook when they visit, OR WE ALL GO OUT TO EAT TOGETHER. I'm always very aware of how it feels to be deliberately excluded, and don't want DH to feel that way. I also have no secrets, or other motives for not having him around when my kids are here.
Similarly, I will talk to my kids on the phone in DH's presence. Why? Because I'm comfortable with that. On the other hand, he always does EVERYTHING IN PRIVATE with his age 50+ "kids."
OP, your partner is showing you that your feelings are irrelevant. That's very concerning if you plan to have a future with her.
Do you have children? If so, how do things work when your child/children visit? I presume from your limited post, that you do not.
Every relationship is different: parent/child, spouse/spouse, lover/lover, partner/partner etc. The dynamic is different depending upon the people involved. Some are more comfortable being honest, open and transparent. Some are better off being one on one, however, COUPLES have each other's backs IN ALL AREAS, not selectively. Once a child is raised, and has flown the nest, and they get into a relationship or married, time spent together with parents typically (not always OF COURSE) gets to be less and less.
What I'm trying to get across is that it's not unsual for step relationships to be compartmentalized to some degree. Some couples do very well in putting their relationship first, and laying the relationship foundation with other family members, while others do not.
If your SO is not willing to hear you out and reach some sort of compromise that you are both comfortable with, you may want to rethink your future.