The party: follow-up ' 20 years of stress and manipulation"
Starting a new topic, bit easier.
The party was last Sunday and oh boy what a mess. Here's what happened:
On Sunday morning I packed my bag, took the dog an left the house. Just before DH had said: ' do not think for a minute I like going to this party". Yeah right, "Then you should not go', was all I could think of and drove to the other side of the Netherlands, where I stayed with a very nice couple in their bnb. I walked the dog, had a chat, read a book and just had a good time for a few days.
On tuesday evening I returned home, DH had called me but I had missed the call and was not looking forward to come home. I tried staying another night but they were fully booked and I had to get back to work anyway. Plus, there was no need in postponing. I did not want to hear anything about the party but DH wanted to tell:
BM had made an entrance like she was the queen, wrapping everyone around her finger with smooth talk and making nasty comments - One comment was made in front of OSD, YSD and my daughter and clearly meant to smear and break up the relationship between our daugher and SD's. DH could not stand by and felt he had to stand up to BM. Started to make vile remarks at her. All daughters were in shock and dissappered. end of the day he had completely fallen out with her, he had too much to drink, yelling at BM, how horrible she and all of her family was.
Later he apologized to YSD. He said he never should have gone and finally saw the whole thing was a complete set-up. He knows he cannot be in the same room for more than a few minutes with BM and let it happen anyway.
I said " you took the bait', all the more reason for YSD ot get even closer with BM. I really do not care anymore. Ik want out of the equation, am not interested in the total manipulative atmosphere where things are always messy/cloudy and no matter what, you get the blame, are the bad guy. I made up my mind, I'm not going to play this attract/push away game anymore. It 's not good for my health"
DH said he sees clearly again that he's being manipulated again and again. He is very sorry he did go and hurt me in te process. He's seeing things clearly again (like before).
But I made clear to him that changes need to be made: I'm not going to be part of it anymore. No more 'nice' dinners and Santa Claus etc. And most important : sitting with our daughter and talk to her. We are in the process of making the choice to stay together or divorce. Discussing it openly, it is an option.
tomorrow he has the relationship therapy with YSD again. I wonder how it will go this time. Tuesday we go for marriage counseling. He says even if we split up he feels that is the least we should do. I agree with that. So yeah, it were a rough few days. Feeling better now because more clear.
Thanks for updating us. This
Thanks for updating us. This must be so hard for you, but I'm glad you and your H plan to sit down with your BD to give her the facts and a clearer picture of the unhealthy games at play. It's critical that your H owns his part in the dysfunction, and stands up for you. The sooner she hears the ugly truth about these dysfunctional women the better, as it won't give your H time to rewrite or conveniently forget what happened.
There's freedom and power to be gained from living in truth, and I hope you'll seek family counseling for yourself and your bio. That's the relationship that matters most, and you can't count on your H to remain consistent in his current remorseful stance.
Please keep checking in with us. We care about you. ((hugs))
You've been through an awful experience during your marriage, with your H being one of the facilitators of your mistreatment.
Perfectly Stated
I agree totally! Your DH needs to take a major part in the conversation with BD, be the one to let her know what transpired, and how his eyes were opened to the manipulation by SDs and BM. If you choose to go on with the marriage he must know that there will never be another chance. He needs to show his support for you now and for the rest of the marraige or it will be over. If this has happened more than a few times, it might be a good idea to see a therpist on your own to find out why you have allowed it.
I am so sorry that you and your DD have to experience this
travesty.
Take care of you.
how did it feel
to not be part of that mess? Be proud of yourself that you took care of you! Thay couldn't use you as the scapegoat, so your DH had to deal with things. It should be that way anyhow. I hope he realizes that as long as BM makes his emotions rise, she still has a hold on him. Maybe in time he will learn to completely cut out a woman who isn't his wife anymore. In the meantime, did it feel great to have been free from that?!! GREAT JOB TAKING CARE OF YOU!!!!
Epiphany happened, DH recovering and moving on
Well, miracels happen, DH and YSD had their therapy together (to restore contact) after his fall-out against BM at the sorority house party. He was quite tensed and I did not hear from him all day. I was afraid that he would be talked into 'nothing is wrong with BM, she's a bit difficult but she sure does not influence, alienate me from DH crap' form YSD.
But not this time. DH could only start talking a day after. I was gone again for a few days - all for the better, DH had to go through al these realisations on his own. He said he had the worst experience at the therapy , that he was fully to blame for everything, with BM was nothing wrong, DH was the villain and had to make excuses to his daughters (incuding ours) together. The therapist agreed. She does not have any experience with narcissistic/personality disorders and obviously none with alienation after divorce.
DH who was always full of trust (was diminishing lately after he noticed therapist did not have this experience) but now, after a day of hard work, he was in a terrible state but also very firm:
'I see very clearly what's happening: BM has a big hold over YSD, she does everything for a bit of attention from BM (was neglected fully in first years by BM) BM is all over YSD for the first time in her life and YSD cannot resist this. I have no chance, YSD believes all the crap that BM plants and does not recognize the nasty remarks as alienating form me"
So yeah, he said he's letting it go. And focusing on us, on our relationship. He is sad and relieved at the same time.
I did not see this coming at this point!
Good
Yes, there are therapists who do not have the experience to deal with blended familiies. I have been amazed at how many have such large egos that they still go forward with limited knowledge, not enough to help with resolving anything. So what to they do? They sidetrack the blame onto someone who will remove themselves from the 'therapy'. Then they can still be a hero and it will appear they did their job. Just an idea, but possibly contact the therapist's supervisor and let them know what happened. A competent therapist is supposed to resolve the situation for all involved.
In the meantime, allow DH to own his part in hurting you instead of supporting you in the first place.