http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.shtml

This article is what lead me to where I am today. I didn't sit down with kids and explain I wasn't going to help anymore like it suggests but SO knows. I just don't put myself out there anymore. If I do anything skid related it is to help SO only.

I hate watching them treat him like an ATM but you can only help someone that wants help. If him being an ATM to his kids is what he has to do to have a relationship with them and he is fine with it then whatever. I will admit it does make him less attractive as time goes on. It is like being with a man with no backbone. I have no idea how I will feel in 5 years from now (when they are 18) and what will be left of us by then.

I had a mother who ended her life with drug addiction and she would take any and all that I would give. She would lie, steal and cheat me at every turn. I really had to learn to understand how to love someone from far away and I think it is sad when most often men can't simply walk away knowing they did the best they can instead of settling for shitty relationships with shitty people.

The discovery that the man you know and love has no nuts or personal boundaries is so disheartening.

I just don't understand allowing people to treat you like crap over and over again. At a certain point you start to look like a fool, I don't care if they are your kids you have to stop the madness.

I totally understand where you are coming from and in the early stages of my relationship with DH I left similar.

However it was important for me to try and communicate with him, thus get a better relationship with him and not make his children have such an impact on our lives. I therefore changed my strategy. No matter what those children do to you, they are his children, he is not going to disown them, he will also stick up for them.

The way I dealt with DH changed over time. In the beginning I was very angry, we could not discuss anything about his children without a fight. I was angry not just about his children, but that he was allowing them to treat me so badly. So my anger and resentment was geared towards them all. The second stage was acceptance. I accepted that this was him, he would never stand up for me, he would be in complete denial. I then decided not to talk about his children, not mention them at all. When he mentioned anything about his kids, I would smile and change the subject. This bought peace in our home, but I could see that he was hurt. Although there was peace in the house and we started being the normal loving couple we were without the interruption of the steps. I could see that he was still hurt.

I then started responding when he talked about his children, but only in a positive manner. Whether I meant it or not, was not the case. I only ever said positive things about his children. I believe deep down he knew their negatives. The last 3 years I have made sure never to say anything negative about his children. What I can tell you is they no longer have the power they used to in our home. Neither to they have the same talking time in our home. We have a good marriage. I refuse to let me them have an impact on it.

Now what happens is that the negativity only comes from one side. As I told DH, when you get tired of them talking ill about me you will tell them to stop. The less I spoke ill of the step kids the more he realised that they had a problem. One day he said to me 'one of my children really have a problem with you'. I am not sure what he said to them, but things have changed for the better. Although I do not have conversations with 2 of his children, we are very civil to each other. One of them is really okay and I get on with him.

I am not saying it is perfect. M DH is still in denial about his children. My stand is, I will respect their space, however they need to respect my space and time that I am your wife. I will not put myself in any uncomfortable or vulnerable situation. Meaning if it is one of the step kids birthdays I will not go. I will not go when it is just us (hubby and I) and the step kids. If other members of the family or friends are going then it is fine.

So far it works perfect. When you show those step kids that you are not going to take rubbish, believe me they get the message. You need to create boundaries, never let anyone cross them. And stop arguing about his children. I kill my DH with love and say nothing about children. When his kids behave badly, even though he does not say it, I know in the depth of his stomach he knows. However I have a happy home, and my relationship is much stronger. Do not make them bigger than what they are. Do not let them have such an impact in your home. Take control of it. It is not easy, it takes time. I still give the passive aggression thing from the step kids. The difference is, whereas before they had to screaming and shouting and I can deal with the step kids in my SLEEP!

Sorry the last two sentence should read

I still get the passive aggression thing from 2 of the step kids. The difference is whereas before it had me screaming and shouting. Now I know how to deal with it. I can deal with those step kids in my SLEEP!

Sigh, Exactly what I said. They know that their kids are not in the right, therefore they get really touchy and defensive. That is why I say nothing, or say something positive. Whenever my DH talks about his kids and I respond by saying something positive, if it is in the presence of my friends and family, they always laugh. Only the other day, not sure exactly happened when step kids went to visit their BM, but a fight emerged. Over dinner DH was upset and said 'I do not know how she can do this to our boys' the man said, as if he does not know how rude his children could be. I kept a straight face and said 'I cannot believe and they such good kids'. Those were soothing words to him. But to our guests who had witnessed his little brats being so nasty to me in the past, it was all they could do not to laugh.

The point is I really do not want to hear about your rude adult children's drama with their Mum. I showed a little bit of sympathy a positive remark .... lets move on! And we did. We got back to entertaining our guests. More wine anyone?

I know longer wish to give them space in my home ... If a little poso words to DH does the trick so be it. DH can deal with his guilt, denial etc has nothing to do with me or our relationship.

DH is really working on not hiding things from me. The big stressors have been kids and money, and frequently those two go hand in hand.

I have a great relationship with SD (now). SS, not so much. It's easy for me to ask about SD and say nice things about her. DH glows. But I never mention SS unless DH does, and then I smile and nod. I never say anything negative or express a concern about SS at all, to DH or SD or anyone else. I have seen from this board how that can backfire.

SS might actually be trying to get his act together. He might be telling his dad the complete truth about his life. I hope so. But my trust is completely broken, and he continues to hurt his dad and his dad continues to chase him. That's their codependent life. I can't change it and I've stopped trying. What I am trying to stop is the ATM approach to fatherhood because that affects me and my household.