How does he really feel about you?

That question would remain a nagging doubt were I you.

After 12 years of toxic treatment by Dhs adult kids (2 were older teens early in that 12 years), an event in 2018 did it for me. I have not seen/spoken to DHs kids since. 

1. DH maintains his relationship with his kids on his own. I do not get involved except when he notifies me he'll be out of the house. I do not ask questions, don't stalk on the internet and I have zero desire to know anything about them.

2. Any wife/partner would hope their DH/SO would fully defend and support them but in StepHell, it's not the norm. While my DH has done his best to defend me, with his crew, it wasn't strong or forceful enough and they always go back to their "forget about what we did and move on so we can do it again." Dh is the biggest "avoid conflict at all costs" human that I know.

3. I've learned to live with that although it does sting sometimes, knowing I'd never let my bio kids treat him like he's allowed his kids to treat me.

4. Absolutely NOT. DHs kids clearly know why I've disengaged and what is needed to "repair" the relationship. I use quotes on repair as I do not think this is fixable. At best, if we are ever in contact again, it's Grey Rock all the way. I don't go deep with people who are cruel to me and don't have the ability to make amends. My boundaries stay in place.

5. No. I have friendships that do not include DH. Sometimes, I do things with my kids alone (although he's invited and loved by them. As I'm typing this, my bio son took my DH to breakfast. He's very close with my kids. That sort of helps with the dysfunction on his side.

6. Not necessarily a betrayal but I do indeed think it sends a 'bad" message to SKs. They are very unaware of others, to the point, they can't even realize they rarely see their dad due to their behaviors. I'm sure they blame me but that's what the narcissistic individual does. It's never their fault. So, knowing that helps, too. But in reality, after my 4 year journey back to good mental and physical health, I really don't give a good crap about what DHs kids think of our marriage or my life. They are the loosers in the long run. And too stupid to see it and try to change. 

Best to you.

I dont have your exact situation and cant answer your questions.  However, I have a manipulative, druggie mentally ill SD60 who has lied to and about me, stolen from me and caused havoc in our family.  My DH84 can barely admit that she does these things and finds every justification.  He is the type of person that even if she were the devil in person (not far from reality), he would still maintain contact.

If it were up to me. I would never see her or hear about her again.  But, she is DH"s daughter and I realize she will be in my life while he lives.  I have been grayrocking her since she last moved out of here 6 years ago.  When I have to be with her, I am civil and polite.  I dont offer any info anout myself and ask no questions.  I dont bring her up to him and when he talks about her, I go " Hmmm" and change the subject.  Im finding thst he discusses her less because of thst.

She still calls him when she needs $ and he still races off to give it to her.  But, since we separated finances and he's giving her $ out of his own, I don't care.  He still goes out on the deck when he speaks to her on the phone but I don't care.

I maintain a "no comment" policy about her to her brothers and kids.  My BKs know exactly how I feel and I can safely vent to them.  But her brothers and kids seem to be relieved that I dont disparage her altho they all have issues with her and know what I've been thru.  Its tempting when her kids want to vent about her, so tempting to chime in enthusiastically, but I don't do it and that's best.

Grayrocking works for me.

1.  I think it's fine for a parent to have a personal relationship with his children.. even if the children do not like their wife or vice versa.  As long as the extent of that relationship doesn't overly interfere or take from their relationship with their partner.. it's ok.. because.. not everyone is going to be everyone's cup of tea.. and forcing it once adult? no point in that.. let him have time with his kids as long as he isn't asking you to make serious compromises for him to be able to do so.  

2.  No, I don't think he necessarily has to resolve the issues of dislike between his spouse and kids.  It may not be possible to bridge the divide.. there may be entrenched positions on both sides.. the kids may feel some allegiance to their other bio parent and feel in a loyalty bind if they were to "get along" with the new spouse etc.. I think it's ok to accept that your spouse and kids don't get along.. and refuse to be party to the conflict.. you are not a topic for their discussion.. and vice versa.

3.  It depends on the behavior really.. to "excuse or ignore" things they did when they were kids/teens.. years ago.. because at this point there is no real solution?  Perhaps his kids feel fully justified for things they said or did.. that their feelings are valid to them.. doesn't mean he is agreeing with their feelings.. but he has to at some point accept that they can have their own.  So sweep under rug.. vs not focus on things that can't be changed.. and that he loves his kids even though they may have said or done things in the past that he and you weren't happy with.. it's still possible for a parent to want a relationship with their child.. even a non-perfect child.. and he may even feel you had your own part in the conflicts.. yet he stays with you too?

4.  Should you pretend it never happened?  I don't know.. that's tough.. I don't think it's productive to try to constantly rehash things.  Are they behaving differently now?  Do they want to simply brush past their poor behavior as teens.. and as older adults.. don't want to be reminded of their immaturity? Sometimes, letting bygones be bygones is the right approach.  But there is always in the back of your mind.. what did happen.. and I would definitely be more guarded.. and perhaps be fine with my DH not including me in things with his kids.  I can move past while not totally forgiving.

5.  I don't think it weakens my marriage for him to have a relationship with his kids.. even if that doesn't really include me.. as long as he is a good partner and isn't pushing me aside.. it's like it's ok for someone to be friends with me.. and for them to have friends that I don't like.. you can have separate relationships on their own merits.

6.  I don't think it's a betrayal necessarily.  I think your DH should defend you or at least refuse to listen to them venting about you etc.. I think it's extrememely difficult to think that a parent would be estranged from their children.. even when the children have behaved poorly in the past.. the children also have their own competing loyalties to their parents etc.. and accepting a new authority figure in their lives can definitely include speed bumps... but I don't think it necessarily needs to mean writing your kids off.. but it might mean needing to compartmentalize those relationships a bit.. for everyone's sake.

1.  Have any of you ever just let it be that dh has a relationship with your adult stepchildren and you lived separate lives in that regard?

Answer: yes.

2.  Does dh have an obligation to resolve the issues and behavior they have exhibited toward you, the stepmother before proceding in this relationship?  Or what if he just "pretends it never happened" to get along with them?  

Answer: I do not feel this to be true. He has his relationship with them seperately from your relationship with them. No pretending, just its not on him to repair the rift. They need to do so.

3.  Do you feel betrayed by this renewal of relationship if he "slides their behavior under the rug"?

Im not sure what sliding under the rug would entail? Pretending things did not happen - well not really. He has to "keep things nice" to keep things nice.

4.  Should you, as the stepmother, also "pretend it never happened", they never said those things, never tried to spread rumors and destroy your character, never lied about things they did?  

Answer: Because I am no contact by design with SD23 Feral Forger, I dont have to pretend anything. I dont try with her anymore.

5.  If dh establishes relationship and you have a separate life in that regard, does this weaken your marriage? 

Answer: Sd23 Feral Forger only contacts her father when she needs something that she cant get somewhere else. His relationship is very transactional and not much there.

6.  Is dh establishing a relationship with his children that does not include you a betrayal?  Does it send the message to the adult stepkids that they are "right", "justified", it is just fine with daddy how they have treated stepmother?

Answer: I think that it depends on the level of relationship and what daddy dearest does to create/repair relationship. How much does he bend over backwards, how much does he spend, what does he do and timewise.

I have a similar story, my DH is estranged from his Spawn and I have no need to ever have a relationship with her again:

Q: Have any of you ever just let it be that DH has a relationship with your adult stepchildren and you lived separate lives in that regard?

A: Yes, when DH and Spawn re-connected for a brief period of time I let him know I had no interest in revisiting a relationship with his daughter and I would appreciate it if he left me out of their relationship.

Q: Does DH have an obligation to resolve the issues and behavior they have exhibited toward you, the stepmother before proceeding in this relationship?  Or what if he just "pretends it never happened" to get along with them?  

A: He should let them know that their past treatment of you was unacceptable and that going forward he will not tolerate negative speak about you in any way.  Pretending it never happened seems to be the default of most DH’s and why so many SM’s have issues with their skids to begin with.

Q: Do you feel betrayed by this renewal of relationship if he "slides their behavior under the rug"?

A: I did at first when DH opted to reconnect with Spawn, but then I realized I was never going to get closure on the matter no matter what DH did about it.

Q: Should you, as the stepmother, also "pretend it never happened", they never said those things, never tried to spread rumors and destroy your character, never lied about things they did?  

A:  No do not pretend that all is well, should you have to interact with them hold them accountable. 

Q:   If DH establishes relationship and you have a separate life in that regard, does this weaken your marriage?  

A: It didn’t for me, but I would ask him about his visits with her and he would tell me some things.  I had to learn that he respected my boundaries (no interaction with Spawn), I needed to respect his boundaries (not telling me everything about Spawn)

Q:  Is DH establishing a relationship with his children that does not include you a betrayal?  Does it send the message to the adult stepkids that they are "right", "justified", it is just fine with daddy how they have treated stepmother?

A: I don’t think him having a relationship with them is a betrayal, but if he allows them to bad mouth you and does nothing then that makes him a weak person.

I think it's normal for a parent to want a relationship with their children, even after bad things happened and years have gone by. But that doesn't mean you have to be involved.

You don't have to have anything to do with them, and you might consider what you need from DH. For example, no open invitations for his kids to drop in. Or, maybe they're not welcome in your home at all. DH doesn't drop what he's doing with you to rush to them. He doesn't tolerate their criticisms of you. Essentially, think about the boundaries you need to feel comfortable supportint his relationship with his kids. Then have a loving conversation with him about it. His reaction should be to support you and your marriage, not become defensive and blaming. If it's the latter, then you have a DH problem.

I don't think it weakens a marriage to have separate relationships. I think honoring the marriage involves loving and supporting one's spouse. So for you, that means supportingt his relationship with people you don't like and who have treated you badly. For him, that means protecting you from their toxicity.

We need a rule for double posts accidents, do we post on the first one or the second one? I chose the other one and all the responses are on this one.  

Meet your sister 

1.  Have any of you ever just let it be that dh has a relationship with your adult stepchildren and you lived separate lives in that regard?

Yes and even than it caused problems

2.  Does dh have an obligation to resolve the issues and behavior they have exhibited toward you, the stepmother before proceding in this relationship?  Or what if he just "pretends it never happened" to get along with them?  

Knows its happened but will do anything to keep the peace rather than say anything to them as he wont upset them and be the bad guy.

3.  Do you feel betrayed by this renewal of relationship if he "slides their behavior under the rug"?

yes becuse he shows them this is the way to behave and get away with it 

4.  Should you, as the stepmother, also "pretend it never happened", they never said those things, never tried to spread rumors and destroy your character, never lied about things they did?  

no i will never pretend because its been going on 25 years and they will never be at fault it will always be you with the problem

5.  If dh establishes relationship and you have a separate life in that regard, does this weaken your marriage?  

no as long as your keep your marraige about your marraige and not them in it 

6.  Is dh establishing a relationship with his children that does not include you a betrayal?  Does it send the message to the adult stepkids that they are "right", "justified", it is just fine with daddy how they have treated stepmother?

yes i believe it does  make them think that they are right and again you are wrong and tries to make him take sides between you and them.

Not anymore though he hasent seen them in 2 years after their last drama and normally would go see them because they would bring up the grandkids card trick and he would fall for it again but not this time after our son broke down and cried the way they treat his mother and his dad and he would be quick enough to give out to our son if he did or said something wrong but never gave out to them ..

Sorry I'm late to the party on this one, logged on to post an almost identical issue and have been amazed by the responses to this. 
My SD caused a rift in our family 9 years ago and has been estranged from all but DH (& only then on a tentative basis "rings when she wants something"). Recently DH has spoken to her about making amends as he hates the situation and she agreed with him that she would like to meet me to talk things over. 
I've quite enjoyed not having her in my life (not my circus/not my monkeys scenario) so feel reluctant to let her back in, as I can't just forget what she's said/done and the hurt she's caused.
I get on well with SS and we've never had an issue so I'm sure it's her with the narcissistic personality...and I can't see that she'd have changed that much (even DH says she takes after her mother on that score!).
Our marriage does not seem to have suffered, he does go out of the room to take calls from SD and I don't bother about that. But I do think he's had to put up with so much bad behaviour in case she stops him seeing her kids/his grandchildren. 
Really don't know what to do as it's up to me now whether to meet her, which I'd only do for my DH's sake. I think all I'd be able to manage, even with an apology and assurance of no more nastiness, is "civil".

tend to be very black and white, cut & dry, etc....

1.  Have any of you ever just let it be that dh has a relationship with your adult stepchildren and you lived separate lives in that regard?

Why be married if you are going to live separate lives?  My DW and I have a very close relationship with our son, my SS-29 who I raised as my own from 15mos and who asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  His mom and I agreed early in our relationships that if we were going to be equity life partners, we would be equity parents to any children in our family regardless of kid biology. As it turned out, SS is an only child in our family.

2.  Does dh have an obligation to resolve the issues and behavior they have exhibited toward you, the stepmother before proceding in this relationship?  Or what if he just "pretends it never happened" to get along with them?  

No, DH does not have an obligation to resolve the issues.....etc.....  However, he does have an obligation to keep the nose of his toxic prior relationship spawn rubbed in the stench of her disrespect of his wife until SD takes the initiative and does the work to resolve the issue.  If she does not step up and make that happen, IMHO he nor you should have a relationship with her.  He should not tolerate anyone who would behave disrespectfully toward his bride. PERIOD DOT!

3.  Do you feel betrayed by this renewal of relationship if he "slides their behavior under the rug"?

No, because in our blended family world it has not happen. However, if it did happen it would not be a problem because neither I nor my bride would have a relationship with anyone who treated our mate disrespectfully and the only sweeping of the issue would be to gather their crap behavior and funnel it up their nose.  They would live the stench of their behavior until they rectivied it.

4.  Should you, as the stepmother, also "pretend it never happened", they never said those things, never tried to spread rumors and destroy your character, never lied about things they did? 

No, facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. Those who perpetrate the behaviors resulting in those facts should not be allowed to ignore them and neither should anyone else.  To ignore them and pretent it never happened is supporting those behaviors and facilitating the continuation of those behaviors. IMHO of course.

5.  If dh establishes relationship and you have a separate life in that regard, does this weaken your marriage?  

Yes. It does weaken the marriage IMHO. Again, why be married if you are going to have separate lives.  Supporing one's spouse and holding children to treat that spouse respectfully is a tenent of a strong relationship IMHO.

6.  Is dh establishing a relationship with his children that does not include you a betrayal?  Does it send the message to the adult stepkids that they are "right", "justified", it is just fine with daddy how they have treated stepmother?

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.  While it is okay for partners to have independent relationships with friends and the occassional 1:1 time with kids, regardless of kid biology and age, to have those relationships that completely exclude a mate is a betrayal of the mate and the marriage.

For my DW and I, we both have close friendships and 1:1 time with family that are independent of our marriage though we both know those friends & family members and have a couples component to those friendships/relationships.  Excluding a spouse completely does not pass the smell test IMHO.

Just my thoughts of course.

I feel it's best to confront it head on, get it all out in the open and work from there. Ignoring it, things tend to fester and get worse.

I can clearly understand your concerns and likely feelings of betrayal.

In my situation, (it's similar to CajunMom's) my DH's toxic mess of a a daughter decided to verbally pistol whip me for almost an hour. He was standing beside me physically, but not emotionally. He said nothing and DID NOTHING. I realized in that moment where his loyalty was placed. 

Immediately SD went into damage control mode with daaaadeee, but never once apologized to me, ever. Needless to say, she has caused a lot of trouble in our marriage, but DH is just as guilty, so yes, I feel betrayed in many ways. It's almost like having a mistress in our marriage. Though they don't talk every day, multiple times a day on the phone like they used to, he still calls her and it aggravates me. I feel like he's chasing after her, and she's made it pretty clear that since he gave her all of her inheritance before he passed away, she's basically written him off. He was nothing but a means to an end for her.

Good luck!