Resentful towards 20SS
I'm new here and SO glad I found this group. I have been a stepmother since my 20SS was 15. He was babied by my husband's parents and baby my husband...but my husband is actually getting better. SS20 used to be a well-mannered kid. His mom was virtually absent until my husband and I got engaged...then she became "Mother of the Year". SS20 is in college, but is home on break for summer. He spends 2 weeks with us and then 2 weeks with his mom...back and forth. He is annoying the h*'ll out of me. My husband works 2nd shift, so SS20 spends his two weeks with me...except when he spends Saturday afternoon with his dad. When I tried to explain to my husband that his kid doesn't need to be here when he's working and not even here for "his time" with his kid..why does he have to be with me?! My husband got angry because I don't want SS20 here. He had become a spoiled, arrogant, entitled know-it-all. I'm SO glad this is his last week with us. I really felt alone until I came here to this group. I don't even have kids...I shouldn't need to entertain this brat during the weeks that he is here. There is so much more to this, but you all get the point. Why is this 20yo college kid going back and forth from mommy to daddy? I certainly don't want to spend time with him. Even being in the same room with him annoys me. He disrupts my household when he's here, he's sloppy and his room smells like a boy's locker room and I cringe every time he walks in the door from work and says "Hello!" in a freakin' baby voice. What 20yo talks like a little kid? He eats me out of food in the house and now I refuse to go grocery shopping when he's going to be here. I actually try to make him uncomfortable when he's here so he won't want to be here, but that doesn't work. Ugh!!! Does anyone else have these issues?
Have you considered not being
Have you considered not being home when he isn't there so he can't come there? Make sure he doesn't have a key to the house and start hiding food. Tell dh that you are a person and not n entertainment center. When my skid stayed one thing that made dh take him back to his hometown was the fact that we were running low on food because of him. If I'd known this beforehand, I would've hidden more food.
Have you considered not being
Have you considered not being home when he isn't there so he can't come there? Make sure he doesn't have a key to the house and start hiding food. Tell dh that you are a person and not n entertainment center. When my skid stayed one thing that made dh take him back to his hometown was the fact that we were running low on food because of him. If I'd known this beforehand, I would've hidden more food.
Welcome to steptalk! You
Welcome to steptalk! You will find this site extremely helpful. I read here every day while having my morning coffee. What would I do without this site????? This is part of my family and certainly has become one of my best friends.
You mentioned your SS20 is leaving in a week. Hopefully SS20 is going far enough away to give you a break for the college year. You also indicated that he goes back and forth with BM. I had this similar situation with my YSS, when DH and I got together. It is a situation you will have to figure out how to live around. It's not going away for sure.
My DH was home every night from work, so I never engaged with my YSS16, I left the problems for DH when he came home. Your SS is older than mine was also.
I am not good at advice, only saying what I would do, if I was in your position, also knowing only what you have told us here. I would set some boundaries in your own home. I would have a family set down with DH and SS and very calmly request that "everyone" help out in the house, thus SS20's room is going to be clean, he will help with all household chores (because he does not work). Set the rules and boundaries that fit you. Suggest that he get a part time job or full time would be even better, while he's not in school.
It is obvious that DH is not going to be present to enforce the boundaries. You say you try to make him feel uncomfortable; I suggest you treat him like any other adult and forget that he is your SS. Fight fire with fire; tell him up front, be honest, civil, and straight up. Explain to him that this household will be more "user friendly" if everyone living here helps out. Tell him you and DH are a team and he can be part of the team if he chooses.
You didn't mention, "who pays the bills, including groceries". Do you work? Your SS20 needs to get a job. We never charged our kids rent or for groceries; that said, they did their own laundry, cleaned up their own rooms and bathrooms, mowed and did yard work, and did their own cooking and cleaned up after themselves throughout the house. They still do so, if they visit our home. I just never did it and I insisted on a smooth running household. Heck, start today; ask SS20 to help you clean up his stinky room, while he is packing to go back to college and have him help out with some "man" chores this week, before he leaves. Begin today changing the situation! I found that my YSS and I do better, even today, when I'm on a one to one with him and asking him to help out. It isn't easy, believe me.
Keep us posted here and what you are experiencing is normal and can be corrected, before it makes waves in your marriage. When he goes off to school in a week, make some future changes, it will not change on it's own. This will be a good beginning. Don't walk on egg shells; take this opportunity to work this out with your DH, therefore when SS20 returns (and he will), you and your DH are on the same page. Thus you take control of your home and your life. I begin a conversation with "please don't get upset or mad when I discuss my issues...blah..blah...blah). It took me years to get brave enough to go with taking my life back.
Again, everyone's situation is different, these are suggestions that worked for me.
(((hugs)))
Oh yuck!!!! I would feel a
Oh yuck!!!! I would feel a MILLION % the same way. There is no reason for him to be there if he never sees his dad. It would be one thing if your husband wasn't married so the 20yo just came over for a change of pace and was by himself. But to be there that long with just you? And he's 20! There's no court order anymore. My 20 yo skid now refuses to come over because of me... so I have the opposite "problem"... Glad it's almost over!