Satisfied with crumbs?
Hello.
I am SM to a hostile SD30. DH and I have been together for 6 years and married for 3. DH is a very strong and manly man but when it comes to SD he is a marshmallow. She wants to be #1 in her daddy's life even though she is married with 2 children and another on the way in Feb. They have a very enmeshed relationship. Since we got married she seems to have made it her life mission to be petulant, spoiled and use any method to create disharmony. Her favorite tools are guilt traps and using the SGKs to get her way. She is an only child and DH refers to her as his "baby girl".
The last time we visited for father's day she had a party for her husband, FIL and DH. She more or less ignored us. To make matters worse, BM is always at these events and I feel like I have to perform and get along for DH's sake even though no one else really cares or acknowledges that I am there. After driving 5 hours and leaving before dinner was even ready (who eats at 8pm?) DH was visibly upset. I thought he was mad at me to be honest like I had not put enough effort into trying to get along or was not fun enough with SGK 8 and 2. A week later I broached the subject since he had been distant all week. I asked him if he was mad at me after the crappy father's day and he said no, not at all. I told him him that the way SD30 treats him, with such little regard, makes me sad for him. I asked why he never tells her how he feels. He just shrugged and blew it off. Since then he has focused on SGKs and SD acts as if it is a privilege to see them and etc. Two birthdays and Christmas have come and gone and we buy presents without so much as a thank you. He says he raised her to be better than that.
We try to make plans to see the SGKs and she makes excuses. I know she is mad at him because he has remarried and she feels she is no longer #1, She uses the SKGs to hurt him. I have tried talking to him about this but he shuts down. I know her behavior really hurts him and yet he allows it to continue without confronting her.
Her car broke down the other day and guess who she calls first - daddy. He adds money to her acct and says he will always be there for her. She says "yeah, and I will let you live with me when you are old".
----Ummm, I think it is the job of his wife to take care of him. Isn't it?
My question - Why is he so content to survive on crumbs? For the life of me I can't understand why this otherwise strong man won't confront her.
If he raised her to be better
If he raised her to be better than that, he should not accept her behavior. She does it because he lets her.
Just guessing, but our
Just guessing, but our situations are very similar (only child daughter, about the same age). Here's what I think drives that crumb dynamic in our case:
He broke up the original family by leaving the wife. He also left the kid with a woman with whom he couldn't stand to be married. He got out; he left the kid there to be her victim. Who wouldn't feel guilty about abandoning a kid with a woman he claims is crazy and damn near abusive?
He's ashamed. He chose poorly when he married. He chose poorly when he bred. Because he chose the wrong woman, his "baby girl" was denied an intact household. She's shuttled between households, doesn't get a normal holiday with both parents. To top it off, now "baby girl" has these strangers marrying her parents. So he's guilty for foisting "baby girl" into a relationship (with you) that he chose for her, not that she chose herself, and all so HE could be HAPPY.
He's at a disadvantage. BM is constantly reminding daughter what a piece of crap her father is. Ditto on father's new wife. Unless dad badmouths BM with the same vigor, he is always at a disadvantage having his character besmirched. How must it feel knowing your ex is feeding that to your kid? You're going to step lightly to disprove what BM is saying, and that means asking nothing of the kid.
He's trying not to be BM, who is demanding and shrewish. He already ruined the kid's life by leaving her with the BM - someone he didn't want to be with for the rest of HIS life. The least he can do now is not demand anything from his kid such as equal time, acceptance of his new spouse, a birthday card once a year. Kid's selfish behavior is easy to excuse by saying, "She's just a kid," so why fret bad treatment, especially if he feels he treated her badly by breaking up her childhood family?
So even without you in the picture, all these mixed feelings existed. But you enter and now there's a whole new complication to and= already strained relationship. Suddenly coming into play are jealousy, questions about future inheritance, division of time with another woman, maybe other kids or dad's new bio kids...god, it's a wonder anyone remarries!
If it helps you at all, I found greater peace by disengaging - simply taking myself out of the competition with the kid. His time with her is just that and I don't ask questions or hear anything. If their relationship is crappy now, out of balance, I don't have to witness it and it's nothing to do with me.
Dang. This is good,
Dang. This is good, marblefawn.
That is great advice. I wish
That is great advice. I wish to disengage and as you said not compete with SD. DH for whatever reason just seems hell bent on us all getting along and us being the wonderful grandparents and going to parties with the EX,SD and SGKs and everyone is happy. SD is the center of attention and everything revolves around her. Anything less is bursting DH's bubble. It is not real and never will be. How to make DH understand this?
In our case, EX wife cheated and left him. She was a big party girl and went on to marry and divorce two more times. DH complains about her but I know he still carries a torch for Ex. I have put my foot down and said I will no longer attend events/parties when she is there. He thinks we should be best friends. SD lived with mom full time and DH was very involved with raising SD. SD had him to herself for almost 30 years. DH never remarried until now. I think DH's previous relationships may have even suffered because of the SD dynamic.
I do want to disengage but what if this makes DH even more mad at me? DH already seems to blame me for not being able to go along to get along with SD and that he doesn't see his SGK enough. SD can do no wrong. Even though I say DH can go anytime just that I am not going to accompany him.
Why does DH expect me to compromise and be the doormat? Why does DH expect so much from me and nothing is expected from SD? It seems so one sided.
Oh, I get the one-sidedness
Oh, I get the one-sidedness of it. I've heard it all: "he IS her father;" "you're the adult;" "well, she had him all to herself until YOU came along." It is why the Evil Stepmother is a favorite icon in literature - you will always be outside and they will always be blood.
You were right to put down your foot on the ex. The expectation that you endure the ex is not part of any sane, stable marriage. If that comes up again, you just say to him, "How bad would my self esteem have to be to happily accept regular outings with my husband's ex-wife? And what kind of husband asks that of a someone he loves?" He's trying to make it sound as if you're unreasonable because you all get along SO WELL. It's great that they get along. But it's unnatural and unreasonable to expect you to be part of that.
Yea, I suspect my SD would have been a thorn in any woman's side too. But here's the thing about disengagement that you need to tell him. By disengaging, it gives them the freedom to have the relationship they want without the tension your presence brings. The key is making it sound like it's better for him and his daughter if you're out of the mix. You can word it more honestly: "SD had you to herself for 30 years. I don't think she's prepared to change that. Because you feel you don't have enough time with her and the grandkids, I'll stay home because me being there just causes tension and makes the day unpleasant. It would be better if you just have alone time with her."
If you disengage, it may take the fun out of SD's time with her father. I noticed after I disengaged, they spent no more time together, and maybe even less. I think she enjoyed the drama and manipulation when I was there. Without me, it was just time with her father!
But it could go the other way. Maybe she'll want him there all the time, she'll make plans for holidays and your anniversary knowing you won't be in the way. You need to be prepared for that and make sure if you disengage, you set some parameters.
Remember, the key is making it sound as if you're doing it for them!!!! He won't be able to argue with that!
Spot on- this is the way I
Spot on- this is the way I presented it to DH but he called my bluff. Ten months in and they still see each other at least once a week- I have plenty to do in my own time but I do wonder what they are both getting out of it- she doesn't have an audience and he has to put up with her 'yacketty yack, it's all about me, yacketty yak yak yak,' I have come to realise they are enmeshed but neither of them seem to want to ease off. It isn't healthy. It's odd.
I too have no idea how my DH
I too have no idea how my DH can listen to SD go on and on. She is vain, self centered and fake. How can a worthy and giving relationship be so one sided? I am going to have to research this enmeshed relationship stuff.
I don't think DH really
I don't think DH really enjoys his daughter's company so much that he has to visit her at least once a week for the whole evening. I went with him for six years or so (although we didn't do that date night Thursday thing that he now does) and she literally yacks about herself all the time, never asks questions about anyone else or discusses anything apart from what she has done, is doing, will do next week. She yells at her kids, feeds them on the floor, lets them parade around semi-naked and then sends for take-away for the adults. I couldn't bear going there!
What DH gets out of this is beyond me- if he's doing it to punish me it isn't working because I love not having to go,if he's doing it to see his grandkids then why can't he pop over at the weekends?
Years ago I suggested we pop by at the weekends and take them out- to a park, cinema, etc- normal things. We did it for a while but then they just went back to the old ways and I gave up. I think the real reason is pure and simple laziness, he doesn't have to think about where to take them, engage with them in any way, and they can sit and watch TV whilst eating crap. The pair of them seem trapped in this cycle of lazy thinking and behaviour but I'm not part of it and never will be.
It is great that I don't have to do this- not my circus...
BTW DH has a tummy upset today- I didn't ask what he ate at OSDs but her kids are always having tummy upsets...
“I noticed after I
“I noticed after I disengaged, they spent no more time together, and maybe even less. I think she enjoyed the drama and manipulation when I was there. Without me, it was just time with her father!”
More goodness, marblefawn.
I’m hopeful this is in my future with my own disengagement. DH is like a lost toddler without me around, when he and skid get out and do things. On the flip side, I think she has entered the age of trying to make me uncomfortable when she’s around. Disengagement is so good for ME.
SD's who are only children
SD's who are only children come with a different set of problems. They have never learned to share and become downright possessive when they feel threatened that they are losing something that they own - this includes DHs. I can remember one night when DH cried and cried over the sadness his divorce had created for SD. This was during a time I was working out of town, had not been home for two months and had a weekend to spend with DH who would not even ask SD to allow us a few hours to be alone before I had to return to the job.
Another problem with a lot of only children is that they are the center of attention - everything must be sacrificed in order to make them feel special and the 'best'. For years SD was placed on a pedestal while I was treated like I was a stranger looking in. Her rudeness and abuse was downplayed, I was often the recipient of vague accusations from DH. When I disengaged it was to save my sanity, and it almost caused a divorce - at that point I didn't care.
DH decided (probably for his own comfort) to work on the marriage. This caused SD to feel betrayed by DH. The first couple of Birthdays and Father's Days after disengagement DH would run to the mailbox numerous times only to come back dejected. He would mope for days. Somehow he had forgotten that SD NEVER sent him birthday cards or Father's Day cards since everything had to be about her.
I took myself out of the equation and let him deal with SD on his own. An odd thing happens when the SM is no longer allowing herself to be a doormat - SD has to take her revenge out on some one who cares and is accessible. At first there was a breakdown in communications between SD and DH. If he called, she would say she was going through a tunnel, the call would be cut off, SD would not call back. DH can visit SD just about whenever he wants but he has not been invited. On DH's birthday or Father's Day I got cards from the animals and made a big deal out of it. DH quit moping around. All of the 'punishing' and ostracism just got old. DH will probably never confront SD on her thoughtlessness and rudeness but I am wondering if his lack of interest is giving a greater message.
My suggestion is to let him handle his relationship with SD on his own. Do not bring her up in discussion, change the subject if he brings her up, and do not contribute any money to her. Eventually even your DH will get tired of being an unappreciated ATM.
Sandye21 I always enjoy your
Sandye21 I always enjoy your post. You are truly a woman who is wise.
Thanks, (((HUGS)))
Thanks, (((HUGS)))
all of the skids would
all of the skids would blackmail dh when they did not get what they wanted, which included all of the attention meant for a wife.
the daughters were especially bad with this. one did not speak to dh for eight months. it was embarrassing to watch him whine a voicemail to the phone he bought her, hey this is dad. i wanted to chat with you and miss you. i love you. call me. bye bye honey.
also no birthday cards or fathers days cards. and also the moping for days. or the cards would come a week late and hed act like he was sent a gift from heaven.
stomach turning.
Skid is an only child/female,
Skid is an only child/female, so this resonates with me and my step situation SO much, sandye21. Thanks for your words.
Yep me 2
With 2 skids, one of each sex....exactly down to the let's divorce and who cares...then I found this website. Now the plan is to move to where I am from and cut them out of the will. When I showed him all these cases just like ours he finally got it. Bless all of you and your sage advice.
There is the emotional
There is the emotional component to her animosity, but do not overlook the overwhelming concern about the money. Any money he "spends" on you or any other women should be her now or when her daddy dies.
You are sucking up her inheritance. Hence the statement about taking care of daddy when he is older. You are in the way of her getting him under her control. This is not going to get better for you.
Please protect yourself.
Some of my adult skids clearly see me in the way of the meager inheritance from my husband.
It is painful to watch.
Yes, Steppingback. You are
Yes, Steppingback. You are right on the MONEY (pun intended). I actually brought up the fact that we do not have wills recently. I have always gotten the impression that DH wants to leave SD and SGK a good chunk of money. We have separate finances. He has a house in his name and I have one in mine.
Time to check it all out with a lawyer. Thank you for the warning. I appreciate it.
Would it do him any good to explain to her that it is all going into an estate to be divided equally between my bio kids and SD? Would she back off?
"Would it do him any good to
"Would it do him any good to explain to her that it is all going into an estate to be divided equally between my bio kids and SD? Would she back off?"
I don't it's a good idea to give children - skids or bios - too much info about what they stand to inherit. That's when a heck of a lot of drama can start, comparing who gets what. We basically told ours that we worked hard and we were spending as much as we can in our retirement. That we were also donating a lot, because kids shouldn't just assume they are getting an inheritance. There are well known billionaires who feel their children need to earn their own money and are not leaving them anything. If there's anything left that will be a nice surprise for them, but they shouldn't be counting on it.
Despite this, I have no doubt that my OSD is pissed she doesn't have access to daddy's money the way she did before I came along.
Please disengage. Stop going
Please disengage. Stop going to these events. Let your husband go alone, let him deal with it. That would be the day that I am ever in the same room as BM, not going to happen.
Put your husbands loyalty
Put your husbands loyalty issues to the test. Your DH knows how you feel, right? If so tell him "I'll resume our romantic relationship with you as soon as you demonstrate you have taken your balls out of SD's purse."
It is very unattractive to sleep with someone who is emotionally weak. At least it is for me.