SD sent photos of her Mom to DH digital photo fram
HI - I would love some feedback. Been married to my husband, a widower, for 11 years. For Christmas he got a digital photoframe for his office at work (he is a physician). Our kids (9 of them, blended) and I can all send photos through an app for him to see at work at his desk. Yesterday, my oldest stepdaughter sent two pictures of her mom to the frame, one of her mom and her and the other of her mom, her and her sisters. Through the app, we can all see what pictures have been loaded on the frame.
It was not a special day for her mom -- not her birthday or death date or their former anniversary. No clear reason why she would send these photos out of the blue, but it felt like a gut punch. I am his wife now and I really don't want him having photos of his former wife on display in his office. My husband would never want that either BUT he rarely is willing to upset oldest daughter. He even knew that I would be upset and would probably want him to delete the photos, which can be easily done. But before he told me about them, he reached out to SD to say, "thank you for the photos" which to me means, "I am happy I got these and am glad to be looking at them". He says that's not it, but it isn't appropriate for him to display photos of his former wife I believe. This hurts me. Also, if he doesnt' talk to his daughter about it, he can't really understand what was in her grief for why she sent them. After 11 years is she staking a claim on her mom still being his love interest?
We do not have pictures of her in our house except in our basement guest room where his kids (all adults) sometimes stay. I wouldn't mind if they had looked at the pictures together in person or even if she had texted them and said "thinking of mom today". But to put them in the frame says I want them to be there all the time. That his late-wife is an ACTIVE member of our family, which she is not.
Husband doesn't seem to understand my feelings. Would love some others' perspective.
How old is this SD? How is
How old is this SD? How is your relationship with her? This is a really difficult situation, in my opinion. Why can't your DH ask SD what is going on? This just seems so odd. It could be that your SD simply wants her mom to be remembered (or just not forgotten) and, yes, present in some way (not necessarily as a love interest or current family member), but this seems like a strange way to do that, more like this action comes from a place of insecurity. It'd be much more appropriate for SD to have these photos displayed in her house. Of course, if you intervene, you're the wicked SM. I think your DH should talk to his daughter.
Yes, thank you. SD is 33 and
Yes, thank you. SD is 33 and a mom of her own. She is recently pregnant again so I wonder if it comes from wanting mom here during pregnancy. We are normally pretty close but the subject of her mom is not one I go into unless invited. Thanks for your feedback. Hoping husband will choose to reach out.
So, it becomes a bit clearer
So, it becomes a bit clearer towards the end of your post. You say late wife. As in, she is deceased. I think that makes the sharing of those pictures a bit more in perspective. It's not like she could share "new" picture without her mom in it.. that is the picture she has. I am also assuming that they did have a good marriage prior to her passing.. which does make his feelings for his ex different than if they had divorced..
I think your SD misses her mom.. doesn't want her memory erased.. and wants her to be considered family to her.. and to your husband.. and she was family to your husband.. and likely would still be family if she hadn't passed right? I mean.. it's an uncomfortable thought.. and while it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to be with you.. if she hadn't died.. he likely would not have been with you...so it's a different situation and I can see how it feels like the late wife can feel like she is too present.
I don't know.. this is tricky.. his daughter could become more of a problem if he makes a huge deal over this.. or says it bothers you.. I think he can delete from the camera roll.. and just move on from it.
Except in the case of being widowed. Oh hell no. No one should
Oh hell no. No one should have pics of their X in a home they share with a spouse.
Keeping in mind that a deceased prior spouse who died while married to your mate is not an X.
A widowed spouse and their partially orphaned kids are a very different thing. Though even in that case the pics of a deceased spouse have to be respectfully addessed with the living mate so as not to invade the quality of life of that new mate. That does not mean that pics and memories have to be disposed of. They should be maintained and celebrated. Though in a way that is tasteful and respecful of you, DH's wife.
A Skidult who would inject the XW Mommy's pic into daddy's life, marriage, nome, or office needs their nose popped and scrubed in the stain that that kid is on their parent's marriage and home. Daddy needs to do the nose scrubbing on that stained failed family progeny carpet with the skidult's nose. Don't let daddy forget to apply the nose pop. Figuratively of course.
Even with minor aged COD children, dad's pic has no business being in mom's house, mom's pic has no business being in dad's house. Or their offices.
The past is the past, Xs need to get over it, kids need to get over it. A kidult doing this crap is toxic and manipulative as hell.
A kidult who has lost a parent and wants to keep that deceased parent relevant needs to do so in a way that is respectful to their surviving parent and the surviving parent's mate.
I would advise that you gain some maturity on the topic and understand that your DH's deceased wife will always have a place in his heart and his relationship with their kids. The bigger deal you make this out to be, the less standing your have as a result of your unreasonable aversion to your widowed DH's prior spouse and their semi-orphan kids.
Be careful. This could go very wrong for you.
IMHO of course.
the frame is in his office
the frame is in his office away from the house... not home. The wife does appear to have been his deceased late wife.
I agree that respect for the new spouse in not being faced with pictures of her husband's wife that has passed away should be expected.. and her husband should have that boundary. It sounds like he is ok deleting them.. but doesn't want to make a big deal with his daughter.. which given the circumstances.. I kind of see.
Yep. I see it too.
IMHO the OP is on thin ice on this one and that could go very wrong if not carefully moderated with her DH and her Skidults.
Thanks for the clarifcation on the DH being widowed. I had to re-read the OP to pick that up. I edited my reply above accordingly.
Thanks for your feedback -- I
Thanks for your feedback -- I am happy to have lots of different perspectives! Not easy to be the second wife to a widower. My DH is so affirming of his love for me that I never doubt that, but having the SD sometimes try to disrupt can be uncomfortable.
I'm have no doubt that likely
I'm have no doubt that likely the only thing worse to deal with than a GUBM as a SParent is a Sainted deceased BM. Though for far different reasons.
The same applies to BioDads.
My husband before my now SO
My husband before my now SO is deceased. I have a picture of me and him and my parents (who are also deceased) along with his urn on a stand with pictures of everyone else in my family. I also post on social media a picture of him on his birthday wishing him a happy heavenly birthday. I lost someone I loved and wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I don't ever want his memory to fade. Maybe your SD saw those photos and wanted to just remember her. Your DH should probably talk to her and she how she was feeling when she sent them. I feel bad that is bothers you, but hopefully you can let it go.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I think I might feel differently if having pictures of her out was something that was important to my DH all along. But I am still learning, so thank you for sharing.
Deceased vs Ex
Some great advice here.
Theres no red flags in your relationship, so I would let this go.