SD'S ARE PLANNING A PRIVATE BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR SO
To update, SD22 and SD25 are having difficulty accepting that SO has moved on with his life. When they were 6 and 9, SO moved out of the matrimonial home. From 2006 to 2016, BM cried every night since, telling her children that she still wanted SO to come back to her. During this time period, SD25 begged her father to come home at least once stating that her mother isn't really that mean.
At a family meeting in 2018, SO finally told his children the reasons he left. They were not interested in hearing them and sided with their mother. While SS34 and SS30 have met me, SD22 and SD25 forbade their father to invite me to their weddings (one to take place in August 2022 and one that took place in August 2019) out of loyalty to their mother. He was the only guest who was not allowed a plus one. They also have refused to meet me; again out of loyalty to their mother.
Since 2018, SD22 and SD25 have moved to their own places, the matrimonial home has been sold, BM moved 2,000 miles away, and the divorce has been processed. BM still contacts SO whenever she wants money as her children will not lend or give it to her due to her financial mismanagement. SO tells her no each time, but she keeps trying to weasel money out of him, which had been the previous pattern as she needed the money "for the kids".
After ignoring him for over two years, SD22 and SD25 are now starting to respond to SO's texts and have planned a birthday party for SO for next week. They have again forbade him from allowing me to attend. Since he hasn't seen them for over two years, he agreed. He is satisfied to receive any scraps of attention they throw his way.
He has an excellent relationship with ALL of my children and I told him that it is sad that I do not have this. He told me that regardless of how badly his daughters behave, he will accept their behaviour and that he is the one who should be sad; not me. He is worried that if he doesn't concede to their demands, they will refuse to see him again.
We argued because I told him that I am entitled to my feelings and I feel badly for both of us. It is difficult for me to understand children who have estranged themselves from their parents. Your thoughts?
This is HIS birthday
This is HIS birthday celebration and his wife isn't invited?
Unacceptable.
Yep
He should decline to go.
I think you deserve better.
I think you deserve better. How would your SO feel if this were happening to him? I can't believe these selfish little twits!
So....is this, like, a party
So....is this, like, a party of 3? Or are they inviting the rest of his friends and family. Is BM invited? If this is a real party and not just him going to dinner with the 2 of them, it would be a hard no and a hill to die on for me.
So, what he is telling them
So, what he is telling them is, "I accept and encourage your crappy and disrespectful, rude behavior. It's perfectly fine. I will come to the birthday party without FWSM1964, as she is not that important to me, anyway."
I understand that he wants to see his kids but they are emotionally manipulating him, abusing him actually. Not really a healthy relationship and no, it's not better than nothing.
What you permit will continue
What you permit will continue. Special events should include his partner by his side, so for your SO to agree to this hostility is to break faith with you. He should be drawing boundaries and offering alternatives, not excluding you in order to get crumbs from his adult daughters. Where is his loyalty to you???
I'm warning you - if you accept this poor treatment, much more will follow. So the question is, what are you going to do? This is the beginning of the next part of the war, with his daughters leading the campaign now. You put all your hopes into "Someday, we'll be happy someday when he finally divorces BM", but BM isn't the only one responsible for this mess. Your SO was afraid of her; now he's afraid of his daughters and fine with you being mistreated as long as he gets what he wants. You need to make him more afraid of YOU than them.
This weak parent poo is neverending.
So he's prioritising getting
So he's prioritising getting crumbs of attention from his daughters, over you?
What a weak man he must be, to let them push him around like that. "They forbade him to bring you to the party". OMG, who do they think they are?
But your SO is at fault here for buckling to their demands.
The line in the sand.
This is definitely a no-win situation for you. If you allow this kind of disrespect from your SO and let him go alone it will continue. If you put your foot down and refuse to give in, you will resent the fact that your SO didn't back you up and he will resent you for not 'understanding'. I would recommend marriage counselling. Your SO needs to examine his priorities and I think you need someone else to convince him.
Your SO has no balls.
Pathetic.
Tremendous…
SO problem.
From your past posts to this....this man has manipulated you entirely. You absolutely deserve better than this.
I hate the fact that he's
I hate the fact that he's treating you like a dirty little secret, like a bit on the side, like someone of no consequence. He has no moral substance. How can he insult you, hurt you, for the pathetic crumbs his daughters are casting his way?
He clearly has no concept of decency and respect and has passed that on to his daughters. He should be ashamed of his disgraceful and offhand treatment of you.
Your SO's behaviour in
Your SO's behaviour in continuing to collude with his adult childrens' ridiculous demands to exclude you, is outrageous and if I were you I would be seriously considering divorce over this - this would so be my hill to die on.
^^^THIS^^^
Agree. Please don't make the same mistake I did. I held on for 30 years trying to change DH into a man he did not have the capacity to be. I went to therapy and found out I was using DH as a surrogate to resolve problems with abusive, neglectful parents. The marriage became more toxic with each year that passed.
Your DH seems to be unwilling to change into a man who cares for you. Earlier I recommended a therapist, and I still do, but go by yourself to find out why you continue to allow this neglect and abuse. You will find it is less lonely to live by yourself.
He might be ok with the temporary crumbs of attention
Of sd's but at a severe costcof pushing his wife/partner/lover away.
by continuing this behaviour he is condoning and encouraging this behaviour and stating its ok. There will come a point where he needs to grow balls and address this with his daughters
Oh good gawd
Weak daddio equals shitty SD's.
I would be insulted and humiliated that he would go. But who am I to talk. I stood by while my ex DH went to parties, dinners etc WITH ex SD and the donut queen BM. Yea the shit DH left me for BM and mini wife SD.
BUT this isnt your story. This is my opinion based on my clusterfluck ex marriage.
You will have so much resentment and anger if this is the path forward. It wont bode well for your relationship in the long run. In essence with your DH going the SD's are winning the fight of alienating you from DH. I will bet the farm BM will be there.
Your DH may not have feelings for BM, but the "love" he will get from SD's for coming may make him rethink his choices. These lil manipulators excel at causing wedges.
Lets hope DH comes to his senses, finds his balls, and says NO. Otherwise girl you have one helluva ride ahead of you.
BLESSINGS
Thank you everyone for your excellent advice.
I am especially grateful for those of you who have shared your similar personal experience. I am in a quandry/pickle for sure.
The first time I went on the StepTalk forum was when I was having difficulty with my SO's slow pace of getting divorced and with his attendance at first family functions in the matrimonial home from which I was banned. You gave me great advice. In 2018 or 2019, he stopped attending Christmas and Thanksgiving with BM, the children, and their spouses.
I then asked you for advice regardiing SD25's 2019 wedding from which I was banned out of loyalty to her mother. You suggested that I demand to go or my partner not go. Neither of these things happened and my partner assured me that in all likelihood his daughters will change after the divorce is finalized.
Well guess what? He is divorced and SD22 sent him an invitation to her wedding for this August from which I am again banned. I told him that I am permanently disengaging from his daughters as they are not people with whom I would like to associate. BM and SD's are the "mean girls" you may have encountered yourselves.
Apparently, I was too blunt because I upset him to the extent that he is now rethinking our relationship. I have been politely frustrated for a number of years now and could no longer bite my tongue so I let him have it.
Just to be clear, my SO and I have been together since 2016.He has been separated since 2006 during which time he lived in a rented apartment while BM lived in the matrimonial home. He had a couple of long time girlfriends before me (3-6 years) who met his children at a restaurant. His daughters refused to visit him at his apartment, so most of his visits occurred at the matrimonial home were they still lived. Sometimes BM was present; sometimes not.
When his divorce was started 1.5 years ago, my partner moved into the home I bought in 2013. My sons welcomed him with open arms. My partner and I have not yet married as his divorce just came through and more importantly, I am having second thoughts. Apparently, he is now having second thoughts and rescinded his proposal this week.
He has found other reasons besides his daughters as to why "we might not be fated to be together". Yet at the same time, he stated that there is no other woman for him besides me. I think counselling, which he initially suggested, is a good idea but now he's saying there might not be anything left to save.
I am confused with his fickleness and believe that 95% of the time, we are on the same page. He is not speaking to me right now because of my brutal honesty about what was concerning me. For a number of years, I kept subtly bringing it up with no change in behaviour, but yesterday I let it all out.
Have I dodged a bullet or should we go for counselling? Your advice on this is appreciated.
LOL, well...
LOL, well...
He's in for a rude awakening, he has no equity in your house. Be glad this came to light now.
If demanding some empathy from him causes him to rethink his proposal, I'd let him walk.
You've dodged a bullet. He's
You've dodged a bullet. He's a selfish, cowardly wimp who doesn't deserve a partner, much less one who has done all she could for him, like you He is incapable of actually "divorcing" his first family. You deserve so much better.
Dodged a Bullet camp
So after all that waiting in the wings you did, he is now telling you why "we might not be fated to be together".
And you are once again on the Banned List for their Happy Family Gatherings.
Id go no contact and give him some time to experience life without you involved. Go out and do stuff just you or with friends, make your own plans. Really consider that this is how your life with him will go. Nothing changed once the divorce was finalized, and now he has to find something else to justify why he is cow towing to those mean girls he calls family.
And get your ducks in a row to get him out of your house. You are not the convenient side piece bed warmer. He is allowing you to be treated thus. If he decides to terminate your relationship - good riddance.
I know what you may be
I know what you may be feeling. You asked him to make major changes, he made major changes, but you're still not happy? Are you the asshole?
NO. You aren't. Here's the deal - some situations are so fked that even with major changes they are still intolerable. Your SO is in so deep with his kids and they are in so deep with BM that you will never have a normal life with him. I am experiencing a similar level of fked up-ness. If he is backing out, let him. If he lacks the will to change even further, toss him back.
Quit playing his games.
Just pull the plug.
Though I am sorry that this long ridiculous drama fest is not turning out as you have no doubt hoped, good riddance to his departure.
Take care of yourself and stick to your guns. No one should have to live their life with a manipulative coward as a spouse.
His daughters excluding you
His daughters excluding you from their lives is ok with him. But when you tell him that you want nothing to do with his daughters, he decides your relationship is in decline.
Engage in counseling if you want to, but he has made his priority and loyalty crystal clear.
Bottom line is, he's weak and
Bottom line is, he's weak and willing to use you to meet some of his needs, while all along placing his daughters above you.
Now he's trying to bring you to heel by recinding his marriage proposal. Emotional manipulation at its finest.
Call his bluff. Demote him from fiance, ask him when he's moving out and show your spine. You're seeing who he really is.
You have dodged a bullet. Get
You have dodged a bullet. Get rid of him....he's "rethinking your relationship?".
Fine - you tell him that wihout having to think twice about it, you have decided you want him out ASAP. He will forever place BM and his children above you in the priority list.
It must be even more galling when you consider how welcoming and respectful YOUR children have been to him.
He doesn't deserve you - one iota. I guarantee you once you have booted him out, he'll go back to BM.
Oh and I read back over a
Oh and I read back over a couple of your previous posts.
I see that you have written that he has been stretched financially in the last few years.
Wasn't he lucky that a nice lady (you) let him live in the house she owned? Ugh, he sounds awful. You'll be well rid of him.
You nailed it Kaylee - but beware of the love bombing!!
This is just what my exDH did for 3 decades. Yes, he used me as a fiancial security blanket, a secretary, surrogate Mother, and I couldnt get him to support me - ever, emotionally or financially. He was very manipulative, as it sounds like your SO is also. If I complained at all he thereatened to end the marriage or to leave. But shortly after, he would 'love bomb' me so I didn't take him up on it. And we went on like that, playing the 'game' over and over again. The thing that finally saved me was going to a therpist to heal from family abuse and abandonment. It was then that the toxic marriage was no longer impossible to ignore. Please go to a therapist and find out why you are allowing SO to treat you so disrespectfully.
I agree w/ thecounselling but
I agree w/ thecounselling but not for both ofyou, just for you.
Tell him to leave and SOON.
Tell him to leave and SOON. No one deserves this drama. Let him go. However, tell him he needs to find another place to move to quickly. He has two weeks to get out of your house... change the locks. Call his freaking bluff and get your life back to a place where you are not begging for crumbs from a loser that treats you horribly.
I had to comment on your post
I had to comment on your post as I recall all the hurdles you have endured as a result of a relationship with this man, and also as I have left a long term marriage with a manipulative, self centred man (not to mention HIGHLY abusive).
Your SO is basically castrating your right to even feel anything over the exclusionary tactics his daughters have employed. Not only have you dealt with issue after issue as a result of trunk of baggage he has dumped in your lap but he feels he has the right to censor your sadness?! Apparently your usefulness has its limits and so long as it serves his happiness that is all he is interested in. There is a word for that. An user.
Look I am sure you must feel an immense amount of indecision and pain over this reoccurring nightmare, it's exhausting, not having a partner who does not hold you up and dealing with a coven of stepdaughters who don't appear to have the maturity to be marrying frankly. The thing is, you are holding onto a person who is going to fight you if it is a case of what is comfortable for him vs the moral choice, that will not change. Is it not a fact that it likely has taken a large amount of effort on your part for him to be more assertive and demonstrate maturity in his choices regarding your relationship? Should it be that hard? It's like dragging an overgrown, tantruming toddler out of a toy shop.
Now he is employing the big guns in an attempt to scare and hurt you. Its a tactic to condition you. My ex would do the exact same thing. He would get angry if I was hurt, sad about his ill thought out choices. Then came the the threats and guilt trips...how I wasn't a good person, how I wanted to destroy his relationship with his child (another ploy to get me to be a good, silent wife in the hopes I would prove how the opposite was true, usually resulting in the ex getting his way again). The silent treatment, disappointed looks were implemented. How the relationship wasn't what he wanted, then divorce was bandied about. It's manipulation 101, he wants you back in your box, except if I were you I wouldn't need time to let this man swan about my home and act like he is doing YOU a favour by still being there (like he is the catch of the century...add bad comic to his repoitoire). I would tell him to leave. Choose your dignity and yourself for once and throw this one back. JIMPO.
... He told me that
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He has shown who he is. Believe him.
It's time to tell him that you have done some rethinking too -- that there is nothing left to save and it's time for him to move out. Surely, one of his daughters will take him in. If not, he's a big boy and will figure it out.
Thank you everyone for your additional advice re: SO's exit plan
My SO does have an exit plan and has previously "threatened" to move out and find a place when we have previously argued. He does have a friend with whom he can temporarily stay while he is looking for a place.
Perhaps I am using him too as he loaned me money to pay down my line of credit and does contribute to some of the family expenses (ie. take out food for the family, $700 rent, and some gifts). I pay for everything else.
In my previous posts, you may have read that my ex-husband didn't contribute financially to our household, so I ended up giving him $300K (50% of my assets at the time, some of which I had to sell to do so) when we divorced.
Seeing how fastidiously my SO paid his ex-wife and children for the expenses related to the matrimonial home made me feel that once it was sold, he would help contribute to his new household. This is the reason he was so cash-strapped.
Because his ex-wife was so bad with money, he felt that she would lose the house and the two younger children still living at home would be uprooted if she were solely responsible for its upkeep. At that time, my SO lived in an apartment for which he paid $1,400/month in rent until late 2020. Sometimes he had a roommate; sometimes he didn't. Paying for two households is expensive, so I loaned him money at the time (sometimes even paying his ex-wife directly) all of which he repaid.
I do ask him to do some chores around the house, but I feel like I am nagging. It makes me angry that I have to do this when, unasked, he used to go to the matrimonial home and cut their grass and shovel their snow for years when he wasn't living there while keeping a clean apartment, but he can't lift a finger in a house in which he lives.
He claims that my sons could do their fair share of the chores. That may be true. They do their best, but they could do more. However, I feel that he is holding my sons to a higher standard than his daughters, who, from what he told me, are "mean girls" unlike my sons who are warm, empathetic, non-judgemental and non-exclusionary individuals. His words; not mine.
The problem I have is that I expect my SO to know what needs to be done around the house without my nagging him. He seemed to know what needed to be done around the matrimonial home and his apartment, so why not here? He stated that I was doing all the work (ie. taking out the garbage, cutting the grass, doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen/bathrooms, etc.) since the time I bought the house. But things have changed and he is now a member of the household.
Now that he is no longer cash-strapped, he is also upset that I ask him to discuss with me any large purchases that he is planning to make such as high end electronics, speculative stock purchases, etc. I know this is his money, but he used to share it 100% with his wife who spent it frivously, but doesn't want to share it with me in contrast to his previous assertions.
We do have a couple of joint accounts from which I am planning to remove my name once I change over my direct deposits to another account. He will be relieved as he says he doesn't like me seeing what he purchases as I critique some of them for their frivolty. Maybe I'm the bad guy here?
So you can see, there are three problems that I have with him: 1) household chores, 2) finances, and 3) his mean daughters. Despite these problems, he is nice 95% of the time. And without him, I would be lonely. My sons have met a couple of my other longterm dating partners and think that my SO is the best. They actually really like him; love him, in fact. What do you think?
I think that this guy is not
I think that this guy is not relationship material. He is actively fighting integration into your world. His criticism makes me think that he is looking for a way out now that he no longer needs you. The longer he sticks around is time that you won't ever get back. Cut him loose and take your life back.
Bottom line - it's better to be alone than in bad company.
now that you know what's
now that you know what's wrong with his attention to your relationship... what exactly is good?
Your SO sucks as a partner.
Your SO sucks as a partner. He's not totally emotionally available to you. He's not all in with you and now that some barriers to that have been removed such as his divorce, he's distanced himself with something else (his bitches, I mean DDs).
I've been where you are and am still in intensive therapy for it. I did all kinds of mental gymnastics to "fix" myself or "remove barriers" in relationships so my partner could finally love me. I was constantly blaming some outside source for why my partner couldn't be all in. The truth is that when a man wants to be all in with a woman HE is the one that will move mountains to make it happen. You shouldn't have to be the primary fixer or chaser. Sure we have faults too but based on your comments I'm wondering if you're being gaslighted to think that it's all on you.
You mentioned fearing loneliness if you break up with your SO. Well, aren't you lonely already? You're being actively excluded. Until you go for therapy to work through this pattern you will feel lonely and excluded in a relationship. Cut this unavailable, excluding, backstabbing, using piece of shit loose and dedicate your time and efforts to your own healing journey. I really recommend counselling for yourself. Don't include Fuck Face. He's not worth your time. You've waited long enough for that coveted love and commitment and still don't have it, so it's time to dump his emotionally incestuous enmeshed-with-the-ex ass and soar to new heights.
Thanks again for your advice regarding my relationship.
As I read your words of wisdom, I realized that there will always be a long succession of obstacles to overcome.
Although they sometimes argued, my parents had a reasonably good marriage. There were no secrets between them (ie. finances, friends, hobbies, etc.) and this is what I want for myself.
After being gaslighted for 25 years by my NEX (narcissistic ex), I jumped for joy when I found someone who gets along with me 95% of the time.
However, when my SO first started dating me, he was more respectful, thoughtful, and kinder than he is now. He wouldn't have to be asked to do things for me (ie. surprising me with my favourite yogurt, buying me a trinket "just because").
I however didn't voice my opinion as bluntly as I do now. I was more easygoing and kept more of my disappointments and negative feelings to myself. While being direct and upfront, I try to be tactful except when I get angry.
I don't believe that my SO will go back to his ex-wife. She lives 2,000 miles away and he hasn't gone back despite SD25's pleas to do so over the years. See, he doesn't listen to everything his daughters tell him.
He will probably break up with me if I ask him to tell his daughters to include me at their birthday party the day before his birthday. I'm not sure this is the hill I would like to die on. To be fair, my sons and I are having a party for him on his actual birthday and we are throwing another one on the weekend with his friends from the area to which my sons are also invited.
I'm not saying I won't break up with him because we have problems that are much greater than his bitchy daughters. To be fair, they cut him out of their lives for the past two years and are now suddenly mysteriously replying to his texts. SD25 is now pregnant so she also reached out to him about that as well as depositing the money he sent her for her birthday. Otherwise, he hasn't heard anything from them.
However, I have read on this forum that some people are able to co-exist by compartmentalizing their lives. The skids never get involved in their sparent's lives and vice-versa. How is that working out? I know that if SO were to die tomorrow, I would never again speak with his children, even the nice ones. After first transferring whatever money he wanted them to have.
I am at my wit's end with all of this. As always, your thoughts are appreciated.
By the way ...
... the sharks ... er, daughters ... are circling because they sense blood in the water. Suddenly mysteriously replying to his texts? I doubt that. I'd be willing to bet they've been in touch all along. He just hasn't deigned to tell you. In any case, he's fixing to dump you.
Based on previous posts, it seems like this guy can get a woman to put up with him for 3-6 years. Looks like you're nearing your pull-by date. He's purposefully being a miserable git in order to finally drive you away. That's how this type operates.
By all means, give him what he wants. Isn't there a wedding coming up to which you're not invited? Encourage him to go without you. While he's gone take your perfect opportunity to have the locks changed and dump his crap on the curb.
Oh, and FWIW--his daughters sound horrid, but I can't say I blame them for not wanting anything to do with Daddee's revolving cast of bed warmers.
Yes, some people do
Yes, some people do compartmentalize their lives. But that is with the knowledge and support of their SOs, even if they don't love that solution. Your SO withdrew his marriage proposal when you suggested it. His position is that his daughters can do whatever they want to do, he accepts their crumbs AND their exclusionary tactics. BUT, he won't accept you removing yourself.
WHY is this okay with you? WHY are you wlling to settle for this partner, who will never, ever treat you as a partner? Suggest you work through what you really want and need to be happy with a good therapist.
SK's refusing to meet in light of a wedding?
I read that some of you have SK's refusing to meet yet you are planning a wedding.
How do you handle this rejection in light of your everyday life?
For example, your SO going to events to which you are not invited. Or does your SO decline to go?
And in light of your upcoming wedding? Do you extend an invitation to those rejecting SK's?
My SD30 would never in a
My SD30 would never in a million years even think about trying to exclude me from something. She knows that my DH would not allow it, plus she's not a bitch.
Sounds like back-peddling
AGAIN!!! Please print out your original message, take it to a therapist and see what their reaction is. You went from one abusive relationship to another. There is a reason why. You will continue to attract this type of man until you find out why you are doing it. I will bet you are trying to fix something from your childhood. I was, and now am free. Believe me - it's worth it.
OP, yes it does sound like
OP, yes it does sound like you are backtracking, excusing and defending him.
If you are worried about being single, you shouldn't be. You are worth more than what you are currently experiencing.
I think it's significant that your partner had 2 live in partners after his marriage broke up, before he met you in 2016. You said both those relationships lasted 3 to 6 years. I bet it would be enlightening to talk to those two women. They were probably treated the same by your partner - shunned by his children and basically told by him to suck it up.
This is a very perceptive
This is a very perceptive point, OP. Your bf seems to have a pattern when it comes to relationships, and they all have an expiration date. It would indeed be interesting to hear what his exes have to say. Did they get tired of the drama and being strung along? Did they push for him to honor his promises to them, only to meet with excuses and mnipulation??
HUN
As I thought and commented earlier on this thread. The divide and Conquer SD's excel at driving wedges.
Your DH is a coward and he is taking the easiest route for him. Sad though pops will be a lonely ol man while he caters to his C**** DD's.
You deserve so much more. I think you know that
Dear lady ...
... I have been following your saga for some time. I will be frank. You've been making excuses for these abusers since your first post. It's long past time for you to crush these jerks into little wads and stuff them up their own asses.
The nerve.
I'm sorry. It sounds like
I'm sorry. It sounds like this guy isn't ready to have a relationship with anybody. You deserve better. He's more afraid of upsetting his daughters than you. He may have divorced BM but he is still married to his daughters.
The private birthday party is now underway.
My partner discussed this with me today and has started to discuss this with his daughters. They feel that that he betrayed their mother by leaving the matrimonial home during their formative years. They do not ascribe any blame to their mother for the marriage breakdown even though her nastiness and spite played a big role in it.
The fact that their mother wanted him back for 10 years before she gave up while crying daily on all the children's shoulders (read emotional incest) caused them to pity their fragile and weak mother who plays the victim to a "T". They do not yet believe that she has been manipulating them throughout their entire existence, and, even now, from 2,000 miles away.
They told him that she has ordered them not to accept me as that would be a tremendous blow to her self-esteem as a woman. She is upset that she is all alone while my partner enjoys my company. They feel that it is their job to protect her and do not feel manipulated in the slightest by her. They do not pity my partner as he is healthy and strong; not fragile and weak.
Their brothers have understood their mother's manipulations for a couple of years now and thus were able to break free, but it will take their sisters some time to understand their mother's machinations. This is probably because the SD's have been sheltered while living at home with their pitiful mother, and are still not as mature as their brothers who have been living independently for over 10 years. The SS's had a couple of relationships before settling down and got to see the world while their sisters have just moved into their first apartments last year.
In fact, the SD's are less mature than my bios (some of whom are actually younger than the SD's) as all of them live or have lived away from home at one time or another. Just the other day, my second son explained to me how, at age 15, he had an epiphany regarding my narcissistic ex's machinations and manipulations. He believes that the SD's simply lack the maturity to understand what their mother is doing and over time, may become more well-informed like their brothers.
My partner seems to fail to understand his part in the creation of these SD monsters, and when he spoke to BM about about stopping her manipulation of the SD's, she played the victim once again. I read somewhere that the BM has tremendous influence on the SDs' acceptance of their father's new partner; however, BM doesn't want to assist her daughters in the acceptance of their new reality as she herself cannot accept it. She has said as much on numerous occasions.
My partner is trying to be patient with them, but their attitude hurts him. He plans to eat dinner with them for an hour or two and then leave to watch sports with his sons. He says that he doesn't expect much from his daughters tonight and will cut ties if their toxicity becomes overwhelming. At what point would that be, I wonder?
Pathetic man.
Your update Is filled with rationales and justifications for why it's okay to yet again treat you like crap.
You've decided to put spin on something wholey unacceptable because it's easier to swallow that facing the ugly truth.
Your bf sold you out in order to maintain a relationship with his daughters. Despite all your sacrifices, they come first with him and always will.
Look, you gambled on the wrong horse. Many of us have done so. Quit trying to spin this latest betrayal into something good, face reality, and move on. Life holds good things for you, but not while you waste yourself on a man whose weakness has created a hell for everyone close to him.
You made a mistake in choosing this train wreck of a man. Accept it, learn from it, and move on.
NO!
NO!
Just NO!
you are now trying to turn this into his ex's fault and he's trying?
bullhockey!
he's playing you and them. ask yourself: how is HE suffering? he's got you fooled into blaming his ex. He's going to their planned events solo as they ordered. He's not suffering, they aren't suffering so ask yourself why you are the only one left out, ignored, insulted, and boxed out of his life.
Yep!
Well, he did it again. Convinced you that he is leaving you home alone for your own good. It's all the ex's fault because she's turned the SDs against you. And no worries, some day the mean SD's are going to get thier act together like the SSs did. He really didn't mean it when he threatened divorce. So he's good for another two months. Take it from me - I know this game really well. The only thing I regret is that I wasted 30 years to get rid of a man just like this. How long are you going to wait?
HUN
Please consider the advice that was given.
You do know this will be a trend. Your coward DH "bought time" with you by placating you in this situation. But of course he will whip you into shape by threatening divorce, he sees you relent stand back when he does. So off to toxic house of SD's he goes....
This will be your life.
Choose better hun. Blessings
Share reasons why you stayed so long and what made you leave.
I was so afraid of being alone that I tolerated far too much BS for too long. I will have to detangle some financial affairs over the next couple of months, but I have had it. Once that has occurred, I am planning to give him his walking papers.
We were engaged to be married in the summer of 2022, but he rescinded the offer when I called him out about his stepmonsters earlier this year.
It appears that when I finally stood up to him, he turned abusive. During the last week, he has withheld affection, told me to mind my own business, ignored me, called me names, and other negative behaviour.
When I told him that it is inappropriate to be disrespectful and abusive, he blamed me. He said I trigger him. This reminds me of my narcissistic ex-husband, and that type of person is no longer welcome in my life. Been there. Done that.
My sons really care for him, but having a disrespected and abused mother is not good for them. They told me that relationships go through rough patches and that things will get better.
But I am tired of walking on eggshells. I believed that my SO accepted me for me and let me be me, but that was just a facade as long as certain topics were not discussed.
The main reason I left my narcissistic ex-husband with whom I walked on eggshells was to give my children a better life, free from disrespect and abuse. Even if my sons feel that my SO is a good role model (as had appeared to be one up to now), we all deserve something better.
Thank you for your feedback; it has been eye-opening. Please feel free to share the reasons why you stayed so long and what made you leave.
Good for you
But I would give him his walking papers NOW!!!
There are many reasons I continued with the sick relationship with my ex. I married my ex as a surrogate to reslove issues with my mother. I was severely abused as a child and emotionally abused into adulthood (up until 2 1/2 years ago) by a narcissistic mother. I'm 74 years old so it was quite a while. When my mother died the only one left who was abusing me was my ex and he was a lot like your SO. I stayed with him for 30 years in hopes that I could change him into someone he didn't have the emotional capacity to be. Like you, my ex would be an absolute ass, then when he thought he was getting close to being kicked out he would 'love bomb' me so my hope would be renewed.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to live in a wworld where I am no longer abused! You will love it too but I would recommend you go to counselling to find out why you are attracted to this type of man. My guess is that you could have been abused as a child. Is this the case for you? If so, you need to heal before having any relationships.
One thing to watch out for is the anger narcissists tend to have when they can no longer use you. My ex illegally forwarded my mail to an unknown address, for both a PO Box and the mailbox at the home I am living in, without my permission. I am still trying to get that mess cleared up with the help of postal inspectors.
You need to get him out ASAP.
Give him written official
Give him written official notice of allowing him 30 days to vacate the premises. If he isn't gone in a month, file in court for eviction. If he behaves in a threatening manner call the police each and every time. It will never get better so take charge of your life. He needs to be gone. Now. He could go live with his obnoxious kids