Second Place

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I've read enough posts to understand that we stepmothers will always come in second place to our SKs. Lucky are you who DO have dh's who put you first, but, from what I've read, that's not usually the case. My dh told me that before I ever married him, but I thought truly that he was a good enough father to play the "tough love" card with his kids as I had seen him do it. WRONG. Just recently, SS20 (who has lived with us for almost 2 years with no job, no license, no car, etc...)went to rehab as he turned back to drugs after dh started pushing him to do something with his life. Wow...talk about copping out of life. Anyway, dh did kick SS20 out (for the 3rd time in 3 years)only to have him come back all beat up a week later. Dh told him he could only stay with us long enough to get into rehab which he did. My biggest fear was dh allowing SS20 to come back and live with us AFTER rehab. Luckily, SS20 himself has decided to live at a halfway house after rehab, learn the bus system and get a job. I say hooray for the counselors at this place for being able to do something dh and I obviously could not do! We couldn't even get him to pick up after himself! geez Anyway, I could barely even look at SS20 when he was staying that week with us and then, once he left, I disengaged. I didn't care to hear about him, so when dh would come home from visiting him and tell me how good he was doing, I just said, "That's good." and left it at that. Wow. 2 days ago, I really got it from dh how selfish I am and how I should be supporting SS20...blah, blah, blah...

I'm not gonna deny I'm glad he's out of the house, but this is not the way it was supposed to happen. He was SUPPOSED to get a job, get on his feet and move out which I knew would take probably another year. However, like I said, he turned back to drugs instead. Anyway, dh and I had a "come to Jesus meeting" Sunday night because dh was so upset that I had never even ASKED any questions about his son and how he was doing. Dh KNOWS I've had enough and I even told him about how I had daydreamed all summer about getting my own apartment, but told me if it came down to me or his obligation to his son, I'd lose. I was prepared for that. And yes, I would move out if he ever lived at home again and things were the same. I told dh that. If he was a young man working to save money to buy a house or something and could follow our rules, I wouldn't like it but would support it, but that's not the way it was and to watch dh continue to enable his son was more than I could take. I'll also admit that I raised 4 girls so simply was not comfortable living with a young adult male. He's a nice kid, but unintelligent and has no motivation or ambition not like my own kids. I really am hopeful now though that these professionals can help him and he may just succeed somehow.

I've also learned from these boards that I am not alone in not loving my SSs. I like them ok, but they were basically adults when I met them and have really caused us alot of heartache and pain with their drug use (yes - all 3). Dh and I both know that if either of us died, we'd never see each other's kids ever again and we wouldn't care. Sad, but true.

That has been the case here

That has been the case here too, but this last time I told DH flat out that it was either ss20 or me, I was not going to take him back in for the fourth time and "NO DH he has not changed and is not going to do better this time". Every time ss20 was in a real problem DH's argument to me, to convince me to let him stay was that he has grown up and won't be like the last time he stayed with us. Sorry, this kid ain't gonna change b/c I am seeing he has a personality that acts entitled and blames everything bad that happens to him on me. Nope, not gonna happen, no more ss20 living here. But I still feel guilty b/c he is homeless and jobless. Maybe he'd do good in a rehab place. Hmmm, gonna give that some thought.

Glad you and DH had a good come to jesus talk. Hope things get easier for you now. Raising another woman's kids is hard work. Sounds like you did fine with your girls too.

I've already told dh I would

I've already told dh I would not live through that situation again. As I said, if his son were doing all the right things, then I'd allow him to live with us in order to save money for a while, but NEVER would I live through what I did this last year and a half. I'd rather live under a bridge, starving. Whatever.

And yes...my 4 DDs are all in their twenties doing well. My ex and I taught our DDs certain things and they knew what was expected of them. All but one finished college (youngest is a senior in college this year). Dh's sons all have the "addiction gene" from both parents (dh WAS a heavy drinker years ago along with being a smoker, but has overcome both), plus mental illness from their mother. Plus, being kids of divorce, etc...Their lives weren't the "picture perfect" life my girls had. It's been difficult to say the least and had I known the negative impact dh's sons were going to have on our lives, I wouldn't have married dh. I love him dearly, but they are TOO MUCH.

The halfway house is the best

The halfway house is the best place for him since your DH just enables him.

Dh said he wasn't "enabling".

Dh said he wasn't "enabling". He just wasn't moving his son forward because he KNEW he was going to fail again (go back to using drugs). He didn't want to spend money (we were going to buy him a used car so he could get to a job as we live out of town, so no bus). So, he just let him live in our basement all summer and did nothing. I was livid and THAT'S when I threatened to move out. At the end of the summer it all came to a head. Anyway, yes...I totally agree...the halfway house is the best place for him.

What does your DH think

What does your DH think enabling is? He has been doing exactly that.

Is SS still in rehab now or at the halfway house?

I don't think dh even KNOWS

I don't think dh even KNOWS what enabling is except when I don't say "no" to my youngest, but she's in COLLEGE for crying out loud and doing the right things, so of course I help when I can. Her father/stepmother pay the big bills, so I help her out when needed with other things. Dh calls all of my DDs "spoiled divas" just because they were raised in a big house with a father who had the money to spoil them a bit (gave them cars both in high school & college along with paying for out-of-state colleges, etc...) Personally, I just think dh is a bit jealous of the life I lead before him (25 years of marriage). Anyway, SS20 is still at rehab, but should be moving into the halfway house next week. He HAD asked dh if he can come visit sometimes on weekends and dh told him he'd have to ask me (knowing I was still very angry at him), but that that should be ok. Dh even assured me that it would NOT be like before when he DOES visit...that he WILL pick up after himself, etc..., so maybe some of what I said DID get through to dh.

Dh fully admits he turned a blind eye to his son's drug use over the summer. He said he was just waiting for him to fail, so he COULD get him to go back into rehab. He went 2 years ago, but was kicked out after a month for using on the inside. Dh let him be homeless for a week, but then took him back in. Things were ok until this summer, but the whole thing with him not having a license, car or a job just got to me. AND him making our beautiful basement look like a bachelor pad really ticked me off. He just didn't listen and didn't care. I found him VERY disrespectful in that way. He's one of these kids who won't argue with you, just say what you want to hear, then not do it anyway.

He IS in rehab (and has been

He IS in rehab (and has been for 30 days which I don't feel is near long enough) and when he moves into the halfway house, he will continue to be monitored and attend NA meetings, etc...The counselors will continue to help in his recovery which is the best thing for him. And if SS20 chooses to go back to drugs, that will be his choice, but we will NOT be taking him back in if he does. He did tell dh he does at some point want to take a training program of some sort at our local community college which, if he does well at a job, we would certainly help with that which would most likely mean helping him buy a car or even letting him live back at home while he attends classes. Alot remains to be seen at this point. I'm just glad he's out of the house. It's been sooo peaceful without him and dh and I have gotten along so much better.

Chances are, if he moves back

Chances are, if he moves back in with you guys, he will fall into the same habit of doing nothing. Not a good idea.

Your DH really needs to

Your DH really needs to understand that him just living there is ENABLING!!! I have been there and my DH did mention to my SS he could live after rehab. NFW!!! Bad bad bad. We both full time jobs and what come home to what? Who knows who would have been in the house and what was stolen. NFW not living like that. The best thing is halfway houses - rules, boundries the whole nine yards. Of course my SS did not last more than two weeks in the halfway house since he got caught smoking pot and was kicked out. Too bad - you knew consquences. My SS called DH to come him up = sorry pal the deal is you go back on drugs you are on your own!

More promises, more rehab etc etc. Last time I saw the kid he came to DH's birthday party totally high. Back in rehab checked himself out after a week.

Have not seen him in nearly three years but his arrest notices come to our house. Hope he goes to jail. He is in alot of trouble.

Honestly, Karmaqueen, I don't

Honestly, Karmaqueen, I don't know HOW you do it? I think I'd be in the psych ward by now! There is definitely ALOT mentally wrong with your SS. Adults just don't act that way with a parent. It's just abnormal. Has he ALWAYS been like that? Count your blessings he doesn't live with you.

Honestly I do not believe it

Honestly I do not believe it is a case of being second for many of us. My DH puts me first but is a prisoner to his guilt. The counsellor advised me to start working on his guilty daddy syndrome and it has helped.

My dh doesn't feel guilt as

My dh doesn't feel guilt as he got custody of his kids due to his ex being mentally ill. However, he DOES feel an obligation to his youngest. I asked him not long ago at what age would he give up and quit "helping" him (aka "enabling"). He said, "MY parents helped ME out in my 30's." After the divorce, dh went through a period of depression and got into gambling debt. His parents "loaned" him money to stay on his feet and he started paying it back after we got married (over a decade later). That's another story, but, so you see, since HIS parents helped HIM that late in life, he feels it's ok to continue helping. I have a DD22 and often think, how can I judge HIM when I would probably do the same and see it as "helping". Lucky for me, I don't have drug addicts for children. I WAS very honest with him and told him that I would NEVER go through what I did last summer...that I would leave. And, I know he would let me and that would be the end. He asked me recently if I really didn't know what I was getting into and I told him no...that had I known what "snakepit" I was marrying into, I wouldn't have done it. He said the same about MY DDs with all the emotional pain they've caused me since our getting together (due to them not liking HIM amongst other things), but, here we are. Neither of us want to have another failed marriage behind us, so we continue to keep trying. But, having his kid live with us and not working, etc like I went through before and watching dh enable him...no. I'd leave.

Letting his son live in the

Letting his son live in the basement while doing nothing except mooch and do drugs, is not "helping". Waiting for his son to fail? Not helping. Just lazy parenting.

Sometimes the best way to help is to take away the safety net. As long as your DH is willing to catch him, your SS will be willing to fall because he has nothing to lose.

He can help him in many ways without enabling him further. He can keep his eyes and ears open for job opportunities for him, he can take him to his NA meetings, he can go to Nar-anon meetings to help support him in staying clean, he can research and find other groups or agencies that can help his son be independent and become self-sufficient (if you live in a decent size city, not sure about smaller cities).

Where I live, there are state vocational programs and non-profit organizations that will help. He has options.

I'm so glad I found this

I'm so glad I found this site. I've posted here once before about my husband and step daughter but it is a never ending saga and not only do I have the SD to deal with I have the BM to deal with. My SD is in the county jail right now and has been sentenced to 2 years for possession of herion (she may get out of jail soon and be placed in a long term rehabilitation center). SD has a four year old daughter who is in the custody and care of BM. This is what I need some thoughts on...... I realize that he has to show support for his daughter, but I feel like BM is trying to ruin my marriage. She is constantly texting DH about SD and asking for money to help her support the grandchild -- he has two other grandchildren from his first marriage -- but this Hag acts like her grandchild is the only one. I knew when I married him that he had baggage, I just didn't realize it was the whole luggage cart. Anyway, I just feel like I am at the bottom of his list of priorities. It's like he is so consumed with SD addiction that he can't think about anything else and I know its because BM puts the guilt trip on him. He has even admitted that he feels guilty.... for what I have no idea because SD is a spoiled brat who brought all of her problems on herself. No one made her do heroin, it was her choice to try it and then she got hooked. I hate to sound selfish, but I just don't think it is fair that I am newly married (my first, his third) and I have to deal with SD and BM and all of the things that entails. We both work, and when we have free time we have to deal with BM. WTF??? It is not fair to me. I have a daughter that is 20 who works every day, goes to school, babysits to make extra money, and has never been in any trouble. I just feel like all these problems are consuming him and I'm being pushed out of the way so BM can get her claws in him. Any suggestions ladies?

<< I hate to sound selfish,

<< I hate to sound selfish, but I just don't think it is fair that I am newly married (my first, his third) and I have to deal with SD and BM and all of the things that entails.>>

I know, right? This board has been a godsend. I've been in therapy for a year and the one thing I've learned that's helped is acceptance...this is what I married into and I can either accept it or leave. So, I'm sorry you're having to deal with not only a SD, but a BM, too. I at least don't have the latter to deal with. She's mental and lives in another state. When I was complaining to my DD28 not long ago about SS20, she said, "Mom...you KNEW what you were getting into when you married dh." Wellll...not completely. Did you? I had no idea it would go on this long. When we married 2 years ago, we thought SS30 was doing fine, so entrusted that when SS20 went and lived with him (after dh tossed him out again)that it would be over. WRONG. SS30 had EVERYONE fooled...he was STILL using drugs AND selling them! For 8 months, dh gave his loser sons $500/month as he KNEW SS30 couldn't support SS20 on his military disability (for PTSD) and he didn't want them to starve. Oh, did we have fights about THAT. He now admits I was right, that he was fooled, etc...SS30 is now living 8 hours away and has been clean/sober for over a year after finishing rehab with the VA and is now in a voc-rehab program. This is what scares me the most is that we could have another 10 years of this with SS20. I told dh there was no way I was sticking around if it took that long. No way. The merry-go-round needs to stop, but I have a feeling dh feels he needs to continue supporting SS20 (whether emotionally or financially) until he's older. UGH I guess I don't have a problem with that as long as he holds a job and stays off drugs. I just don't want him back living at our house. As I said, I wasn't comfortable with him there in the first place. (He moved back in in January of 2012 after dh told his sons he was "pulling the plug" on the money, so SS20 could either be on his own or come home, finish high school and then get a job.) Here we are 2 years later...My DD28 told me I need to think of SS20 as my own child. Yearight. I just don't have that unconditional love for him that I do my own children. I didn't give birth to him nor did I raise him and I certainly do not condone what he's done with his life so far.

We can't change our dh's. We can only change how we react to their BS and their loser kids.

Thank you for the comments

Thank you for the comments everyone. I don't feel so alone now. Catmom2..... I have heard the exact same thing from my DH about SD being a liar. He has said to me and I quote.... "I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth because she is such a liar." But now that SD is in jail and wants to be paroled, she is saying all the right things,(I'm changing, I'm getting help, I'm getting into rehab, blah, blah).

I did not realize when I married him that our life was going to be like this because when we were dating and the BM would call and ask him for money, he would always tell her no, that he didn't owe her anything and that SD was old enough that if she needed something she should be able to ask him for it and there was no reason for her to contact him. But now that BM has the granddaughter it all has changed. The child has a father... there is no reason why the BM should have custody or DH should have to support the child. BM uses SD's addiction and the grandchild to put a constant guilt trip on DH and he buys into it every time. She is manipulative, sneaky and conniving, SD is also this way.

I also was a single parent, worked two jobs, went to school, raised my DD pretty much by my self. I didn't really date while she was growing up because I worked and was raising her. By the time I met him DD was 16 and I felt like it would be ok to date. We both had children that were older, we both have decent jobs,etc., I fell in love with him and felt like it was my turn to have a life. Now its like I'm the last thing on his mind, the last thing on his list of priorities.....

karmaqueen.... you are exactly right BM just wants money and attention and is probably laughing every time she dials the phone and she probably knows this is driving a wedge into my marriage. before SD was in trouble, the only time she would call him is when she wanted money..... the whole time I have known him, I have never seen SD give him a B-day card, Father's Day card, christmas gift or anything.

BM actually told SD right after we got married that my DD was going to be DH's new daughter, that DH liked DD better than SD and DD was his new favorite....... who tells their kid something like that.... It is not true anyway. My DD has her own dad and her grandpa (my dad) and does not need or want another father figure in her life.

I don't know what to do. I don't want my marriage to be a joke. I want a relationship with the man I fell in love with and married. It's like I'm in love with someone that doesn't exist anymore. The person I fell in love with has turned into a preoccupied, angry person who has forgotten or doesn't realize that there is someone standing right in front of him that loves him deeply. When I try to talk to him he just blows me off. I'm so confused.

Thank you for the comments

I know right. BM and SD both

I know right. BM and SD both have a sense of entitlement and act like DH owes it to them. Its not even about the money, because we keep our money separate. It's the fact that BM (his ex wife) acts like she is still married to him and I feel like it is disrespectful to me. She knows that it pisses me off.

We went to see a special screening of a movie the other night about addiction because of SD being in jail and addicted to heroin and BM was there. By the look on her face when she saw me I could tell that she was surprised to see me there. But I mean really, did she think I wouldn't be there????

I feel guilty sometimes because I dont sympathize with SD's plight. I feel like she had plenty of other choices and she chose to do drugs. So if she is in trouble it is her own fault. And when people say addiction is a disease, I say you chose to do drugs knowing that there was a chance of addiction so it is not a disease, it is a choice. She has had plenty of slaps on the hand, and plenty of chances with rehab, plenty of chances to do the right thing but she chose to do drugs instead of getting the help that was offered to her. She is a lazy POS.

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