I disengaged after years of skids (esp sd, not so much ss) and MIL (BM never a problem) obviously blaming me for their lack of time & communication with my H. Kids are hipster types (act superior and quiet think Bella from Twilight)... and my DH is quiet.
MIL and SD, SDIL clearly blamed me for my DH not getting together more.
A lack of critical thinking is what produced their conclusion. For 25 yrs DH was married. DH's ex had a 5 yr affair in which she checked out as a mother and wife (during skids adolescence) so DH and sd became best buds (ss was a little older and moving on). BM finally told my H about the affair and they divorced immediately.

Sooo, for 2 years post divorce Dh lived in apt nearby and DH was more available than now (married w/small child). My H only had 1.5 days off per week (no long wknds) for years (until 5 months ago). When I was dating him across the country I realized he hardly ever saw his mom who was in her early 70's. I insisted (shouldn't have gotten into his business in hindsight) that he try to meet w/MIL for dinner on Sundays as he is an only child. This produced these weekly thanksgiving type dinners with MIL and skids which would last for 5-6 hours easily.

I come, we get married, I get pregnant within the first year. I hardly knew his family (i had lived across the country) pre marriage. Because my H works on Sunday and I worked 12 hours on SAT, I didn't want to go over on Sunday to MILs after church (my H is a pastor and we started church at 7 and ended at 2pm) every wk for hours. MIL completely blew off her own family for no good reason (according to her) but insists she is a family person, unlike myself, b/c she has has big dinners at her house (she got angry every time I had one at mine). Translated... she is controlling and has dominated every holiday or birthday since I married H.. and did not want this to change. It changed last Christmas when I started to disengage.

After I came to the dinners I realized they were the never ending dinners. The only way and time he and his kids seemed to be able to be together (no one did anything otherwise). Esp as SD, SS and SDIL brought contributing nothing.. never lifted a finger to help 70 something yr old MIL with dishes, so I had to stay till the bitter end (should have just started dishes earlier) to clean up. I had never seen this in my life. It was also awkward w/silence except for mil and myself.
Problem is, I had very, very little free time and wanted my DH to connect with his kids in a venue a) I didn't have to be there (whole family was alarmed and talked about me if I didn't show) b) didn't dominate our time off (e.g. take SD out to dinner Th, I encourage that). He, MIL and skids seemed to have no idea how to communicate or get together outside of these dinners.

MIL was very threatened by me from day 1 (called Hs friends to talk sense into him to stop wedding, didn't attend DHs 1st wedding). Her big thing was her house. Everything had to be her house and my child was hers and I became more and more of a irritating threat just due to her desire to be the matriarch (she's widowed and retired and DH is an only).

Problem is, H and his kids don't know how to communicate. They were comfortable at gmas because it set up a pseudo new home where they could just be present (MIL did cooking and talking) and feel some connection. They almost NEVER call and just say, " dad can we go out for coffee or dinner (maybe 2-3 x's in 6 yrs)". I've tried to encourage them and DH to do so because my DH won't pick up the phone and do it either. They obviously feel awkward around each other (H admits he feels awkward around them and doesn't like being around MIL). He loves his kids though, just is a poor communicator and would be love to have been a monk (literally).

MIL instead bemoans how she wishes her family was like other families and got together more often. But she too will never pick up the phone and call DH and say "please come over". I attempted multiple meals, vacations and times together and was despised and rejected for it. Only one thing was acceptable, us driving an hour to her house each way even when we both worked and I had a baby.

I'm not even going into the horrible mean girl type behavior between she and SDIL towards me, all while I still made overtures to have relationship.

The point is, after all this time of mistreatment w/DH barely saying a word to his family about it (again other posts describe it). I disengaged.

My ss has recently started working in the town we live in and I really encouraged H to call him every wk and try to meet for dinner. I also encouraged him to call him and get together w/our biochild and ss's children (all around the same age). H and ss are terrible communicators and don't call of course.

We are finally moving back East after years of mistreatment by some of his family (I will help MIL and she can move by us if she wants to, if need be). I was thinking of leaving to the East coast earlier and living with sis for a few months and my husband said "oh that would be good, then I can see my grandsons". Excuse me??? You don't see your grandsons because of me?? This has been one of the great sources of my anger, his family's tendency to blame me. Now I realize he was doing it too.

Another quick background SDIL has kept my H from seeing grandsons b/c she has loads of problems I won't go into (loves my DH ostensibly). (I'm shortening paragraphs below due to glitch w/computer)

ss and he (ss has grandkids) don't try to get together because neither
will make an effort.

Sooo, apparently if I leave my H can finally see
grandkids because he may (hasn't much in past when I go on prolonged vacations) go to MILs house more and be with gkids. By the way
he can do this as much as he wants now, just not
with me.

Sorry for the long rant. I've been treated really
poorly by MIL, SDIL and sd in past and obviously
blamed for their lack of ability to connect and
communicate. H has not been stuck up for me like he should (my own brothers and sisters are much more loyal, his whole family including mom, do not stick up for each other).
and after this comment I can only gather that
he too has thought that make he
and his family feel better that they cannot
communicate.

For perspective on his family's lack of communication, his dtr said the house she grew up in
w/DH and BM was like a library, no one talked. When his family used to come over, he would sneak into his study and just read or something, leaving me with his family.

I guess because I came at a time a divorce happened
and the kids were finally out on their own and BM
DH no longer had a home to return to, the lack
of communication and connection became even more
apparent. Because it coincided with my presence
I'm easy to blame. Of course, his family will never
know the calenders I've made (see or call ss or sd
or mil) for my H or how he has ignored it.

I'm done being codependent by the way. I'm just angry that he too apparently
conveniently scapegoated me like the rest of his
family for their lack of connection and relationship.

I'm soooo glad I disengaged and they can see the stellar communication they have without me prodding my DH along to at least call them.