Sp sorry to start another threat but WAIT UNTIL YOU READ THIS!
SD contacted H yesterday and claims she feels bad (yeah, right) and offered to give me $500.00 for the piece she took. H, in his great magniminity towardss this creatin, turned her down without even telling me or asking me.!
this came up this morning at breakfast when he was trying to rationalize the SD's behavior and a "look how bad she felt" moment.
He turned it down telling her that I would not accept something like that from her. Told me I am a bigger person and shouldn't take her money because it "was the right thing for me to do." He didn't even ask me or tell me about it!
I told himL "Hell lyes I'll take the money from her." and he started arguing that I shouldn't, that I should be the bigger person, etc.
I held out - if she made the offer, I'll take the money because I am not getting the sundial back whether she broke it or not.
He says he is going to tell her I'll take the money, but as norm, I believe it when I see it.
I also reaffirmed that I do not want them in the house et. al. today or ever. They are banned. He started the "she's my daughter" crap and I didn't even bother to respond.
I am shocked. I mean you just can't make this stuff up.
How it came up is he brought
How it came up is he brought it up about how bad she feels and this offer. I told him no one ever made an offer to me, that was when he told me he turned it down because "I was better than to take money from her." It wasn't the right thing." SD knows H well, and she knew he wouldn't accept it and she does not have a conscience or she wouldn't have taken this piece and the other things she has stolen in the first place. He toldme it was BENEATH ME to take it!!!
Her offer is to engratiate herself into her Father's good graces again, that's all. Money is a BIG thing to her.
Well, right or not, I'll take it because the way things look I am going to need every penney to survive the rest of my life.
He says he is going to tell her I'll take the $$ when they come for the mower. We'll see what happens.
SD steals item, H knows she took it and they gaslight me for 11 years about it. Then, H has an epiphany (sp) about it and spills the beans, so to speak, and I am suppose to be a Big Person about all lthis? Tlhese people are delusional at the least.
So DH is the bigger problem
You are in a no win situation
Harry, Yes I am. That is why
Harry, Yes I am. That is why I am going to do the things to protect myself. I may not get a lot done Monday as I am just starting out, BUT I will get myselfl protected one way or the other.
He started the "she's my
He started the "she's my daughter" crap and I didn't even bother to respond.
You're not stopping him from seeing her, they cn meet in a park, go to her place for coffee, whatever but you simply will not allow her to contaminate your home. Your home is supposed to be your safe place, your haven and you cannot have that when you are watching her every move to ensure she isn't pocketing your valuables or your cash.
Are you sure this is true? I
Are you sure this is true? I'd call THE CRETIN and tell her that, yes, you'll take the money -- and thank her (yes, a fake TY). Eliminate your husband as the go-between. He doesn't have your back.
After that cold hard cash is in your hand, let her know she is banned from your property for good. I'd throw in a few choice words and deny to DH that you ever said such a thing. lol. "Lil ole me? Why, your daughter is lying AGAIN."
H says it is true. He said
H says it is true. He said he tell her I'll take the $$. If I get it it will be the first time in 30 years I have gotten something worthwell fro her.
If I don't get it, well then I will tell H either HE or SHE lied about this and use it my protection case.
Isn't this the wierdest stuff you ever heard of? The whole last few days just blows my mind. I thought I, we were safe we we redid the wills but evidently I am not safe. I honestly cannot believe this is happening.
H says its true? So what? I would not believe a thing any of
that shallow and polluted gene pool has to say.
He lied by omission for 11yrs. He knew she took it and yet... he defended her, getting all butt hurt that you were accusing his spawn when he knew damned well that she had it the whole time,
POS that he is.
Protect yourself and leave as much destruction in your wake as you can. Destroy them financially, socially, and legally and then make sure anyone and everyone possible knows all about them and their crap.
I cannot immagine doing to my wife what this POS has done
*nea*to you. Serving you up as the host to his parasite POS daughter. and her lard ass Jabba the Hutt crotch blob.
Things are moving fast. H
Things are moving fast. H called SD in front of me and told her I would take the $500 she offered. NOW she is trying to drop it back to $200. I dont bargain. She said $500 and I want $500 not a penney less. As I said before, that offer was just for show because she knew Daddy would turn it down. Surprise, surprise, I won't.
We will see what happens.
Time Will Tell!
One thing I can tell you...is she does come through, she's going to be angry!!!! Ask me how I know. LOL
DHs oldest daughter borrowed money from us when she tried to pull one on the university she was attending. Pay your bill or be removed from the program, is what she was told. So we did the loan at her request......her .paying $200 a month for a short while. On the last payment, she really thought we ought to "forgive" the loan. I stood strong. She was NOT happy. Oh well.
Best to you, Friend. I hope you get your money for the stolen item.
Lol at "dropping it back" to
Lol at "dropping it back" to $200. A liar and a cheapo. This isn't an auction, she stole from you. Take $500 or nothing (unless you are really broke and need it.)
I don't know what is best for you to do here. At 78 and 86, both with health issues, i truly don't know. Could you divorce and move into assisted living? Idk what your financial situation is. Do you have family who is supportive? If so, i would tell someone you trust and also get legal advice. I can't imagine being in your shoes.
Whether you stay or go, you may have to accept that your husband isn't playing with a full deck. Maybe he never was, if he really has been lying to cover SD's stealing for over a decade. In any case, there is no "making him see/realize." Trying to get him to see things from your point of view probably won't happen. You should probably give up on that and focus on your best interests. Protect and care for yourself, whether it's in this house in this marriage, or elsewhere. Shift your focus entirely to that.
Rumple - You are thinking
Rumple - You are thinking along the same lines I am re age, finances, etc. That is why I am going to go slow and calmly as I can while keeping my mouth shut about what I am doing. You know the old sayig - act in haste, repent in leisure.
Actually I can't believe all this stuff happened as it has. Wow! We haven't had a lot of communication with each other but he keeps expressing concern for me: am I okay, do I need anything, am I still having pains, etc.
I did find out how the sundial came to be stolen and THAT tees me off also. Seems ater SD saw it in my yard and asked for it and I said no, telling her it's sentimental history to me, she went over to dear ole Dad and asked him for it. Seems he said yes so she took it. When I found it was missing the next day and got upset about it he never told me he told her to take it, just played dumb. I knew she had taken it. Whenever I would try to confront her about it he would step in and tell me that it was still packed away in the garage from our move etc. Of course SD never said a word otherwise, she would just smile. Pretty darn bad. and I feel pretty had by them.
That is why I was so surprised that when I was out looking for it in the garage, determined it was gonna be found eventhough I knew it wasn't there, he called the SD and said, and I quotel "Do you still have that sundial of SM" and it all went down hill from there.
Good Lord. Yes, take care of
Good Lord. Yes, take care of yourself first and foremost.
Rumple - One more thing. To
Rumple - One more thing. To me it is not about the money. Nothing can replace the sundial. Taking her money hits her where she hurts most. That is having to give someone something especially money. The offer to her Father was just for show because she knew that he would turn it down. That is why she made it such a grandiose amount. I look, aren't i great I am willing to giver her $500, yes $500, for the piece but only because she kows H would turn it down. I know how she operates and thinks.
If you do stay, i would
If you do stay, i would consider getting cameras, at least for all the entrances to your house and garage. In case she comes creeping around again looking for things to take.
She probably sold the sundial after she stole it from you.
She probably sold the sundial after she stole it from you. If she actually comes up with the money - take it!
I'd be fuming if my dh pulled that stunt.---He would be paying me 500 one way or another.
Or he'd be paying 500 ON TOP
Or he'd be paying 500 ON TOP OF SD's 500 for his part as an accomplice to the crime.
Who the heck gives away other people's belongings without so much as a by your leave?!
These types only understand pain, public ridicule
These types only understand pain, public ridicule, and humiliation. They will try to spin that they are the victims but their porcine nose ring countenances need to be dragged around scrubbing their noses in their shit for anyone to see in as public a manner as possible.
We had to go this route with the SpermClan and with some of my ILs.
H was trying to tell me not
H was trying to tell me not to follow through on the check because some day, after he has passed on, I will need her help and she will remember givng me the $500.00. I actually started laughing at him. She doesn't do anything for us now while he is alive why on earth do you think she would do something, anything for me? She offered it did't she? Or is he just making that up to make her look somewhat human?
He either gets the money from her or I will know that BOTH of them are lying. End of matter.
You might have to take
You might have to take everything he says with the same trust and seriousness that you would take the ramblings of a 4-year-old. Forget what he thinks or what he says. He has dementia and has probably been delusional when it comes to SD even when he had all his faculties. You are the mentally sharp one here. Do what is best for you.
Noooo
He either gets the money from her or you're going to report it stolen. Tell him you've recorded enough of conversations that have been had in your home to ensure an arrest.
Put the wind up him. Scare him to your satisfaction.
I did get a check for $500.
I did get a check for $500. H threw it on my desk saying, snarkiley, "Here's your money". mumbling about how I was greedy and it was just a sundial as he walked out. But we all know it was much more thanthat. It was 11 years of gaslighting me etc.
The mower is gone and she didn't dare come in nor did I go anywhere near a window to look out at her or anything. I'm done.
I will deposit that check 1st thing tomorrow - get up early to do so and cross my fingers it clears. Have no problems about going after her if it doesn't. Playing and being nice time is OVER.
He has a doc. apt. tomorrow for pain management. (I should get some too for having to deal with him, the BIG PAIN) Just a bit of bad humor to keep me going. But I do have it on my leist to call our local health department for starts. There is also a senioir center that serves hot lunches, does bingo, etc., and I will call thlem also. I am also going to the HS pool for swimming at 7:30. It is going to be difficult but I am determined. I LOVE the water, always have.
If he has dementia
l or even early dementia it is not a constant thing with him. I don't know much about it but I do remember an Aunt that was totally normal, acted normal, thought normal, etc. UNTIL one night she parked in front of her beauty shop at 2 a.m. waiting for them to open for her hair apt. After that it was down hill very quickly where she had to have someone around most of the time. I was young then and don't remember all of it.
And YES he is dellusional about this SD. He has a son that is also a piece of work and H has little to do with him and doesn't believe aything he says. This SD he seems he really, really believes or wants to believe the strange things she says.
Go cash it at her bank. Get the cash then deposit the cash.
I did this once when my then STBXW wrote me a check with disdain in her demeanor. She lost her damned mind when she tried to cancel the check and I had cashed it within an hour of her writing it, she confirmed my spider senses regarding the non verbal communication she was giving. off.
Do not run the risk of SD canceling the check. Go cash it at her bank.
I thought about that but don
I thought about that but don't have the time or energy to run around. If it bounces, and for the amount, she is in trouble with the law for bouncing bad checks. All it would take is me to file a police report and then file for compensation in small claims court. The law part would still require her to face a felony judge in this transaction.
if he is starting dementia he
if he is starting dementia he may be sundowning.
"Sundowning, also known as late-day confusion, is a phenomenon where individuals with dementia experience increased confusion, agitation, and other behavioral changes, particularly in the late afternoon and evening. "
I think your path is correct. Do for you, make sure your future is protected. Go do the things you enjoy. Meet people in your area, make plans, do you!
I just thought I'd let you
I just thought I'd let you know I slept very good last night. H spent the day, after his D picked up the mower, walking around, making weird (and annoying) noises and talking I guess to himself. I think he was expecting me to say something but I hae nothing to say.
Towards evening he came into my office area and commented that I had been here most of the day. I didn't even respond to that.
Your DH is as much as the problem as SD
Your DH is O.K. With SD stealing from him / you. He on SD side. She can't do no wrong you are at fault,
I would open a bank account in my name only with that $500 check. And add to that account any change I get. $ 500 more for the lawn mower. Call it the divorce account.
I have always had a personal
I have always had a personal checking account that he does not have access to.
Please consider this
Two possible scenarios for you to consider and discuss with qualified experts before you do anything:
1. You file for divorce
It is clear to the Court that your husband is not mentally all together and he is required to undergo an evaluation.He ends up being diagnosed with dementia and the Court rules that he is not competent to take part in the divorce process. The Court then appoints a guardian to act on his behalf. Since you are in the middle of a divorce, you can't become his guardian (clear conflict of interest) and you would have no say in the choice. The most likely guardian would be one of his children. You could end up giving the stepdaughter you despise almost complete control. She would even assume his rights when it comes to negotiating and approving the divorce settlement.
As guardian, one of the very first things she could do would be to remove you as the beneficiary to any insurance policies, retirement accounts, etc. Depending on the laws in your state, you may be able to fight that, and you could also have some of that restored as part of the divorce selttlement, but if he were to die before all that was settled, you could be in for a long, expensive fight.
2. You stay with him, maintain your rights as his legal wife, and get him diagnosed with dementia
Make sure it is documented that he is at the point where he is no longer competent to handle his own affairs. Once you get that set up, he is no longer legally able to change his will or make any other financial decisions. In other words, no matter how much his daughter nags him, he can't shift anything from you to her. Anything he does after the date of his diagnosis has no legal validity. If she were to try to make an end run around that and have him withdraw cash for her or gift her any of his assets, you could sue her (and get her nailed for elder abuse, fraud, and a few other things).
These are just the thoughts of a long time lurker who doesn't know your exact situation or practice law in your juristiction. Please make appointments with a financial expert and a family law attorney as soon as possible.
Lizzie - wonderful advice and
Lizzie - wonderful advice and well stated. And oh so accurate now that I think about it. Thanks.
One of the things I have down is how to protect myself from SD getting H to change the beneficiary on his IRA, which is really money saved for retireent throughout our marriage. She is cunning, abiet not that smart, but I am certain this will dawn on her sooner or latter and she will be off and running to see what she can get.
I would also add that you
I would also add that you really need to try to start thinking long game here.. things like the sundial? it's water under the bridge to an extent... if your DH truly is experiencing dementia.. he may very well be not in his right mind. You have been with him 30 years.. sundial aside.. has he been a good partner otherwise? or do you feel he has never been the person he should have been.
Dementia is cruel.. it makes people into the kind of person they might not otherwise have been. His daughter could have fabricated the "you told me I could take it" and fed that to him which he parrots back to you..
I get that you are incredibly angry that she took something you cared about.. but understanding that you have little to zero capacity to truly punish her.. because even if you DO get that money out of her.. in your DH's state of mind.. could that trigger worse things?
Please try to find someone in the legal field to counsel you.. and get some therapy for yourself.. to figure out what is healthiest for you.. and even for your DH.. to an extent.
If your whole marriage of 30 years was a bust.. well.. I mean.. you waited a long time to be "done".. and things you find out when your DH is probably experiencing mental decline may not be so cut and dried.. so don't act in haste or anger.. act out of clear thinking and in your own best interest.. only by seeking competent advice will you truly have all you need to figure out which way forward. I don't know that painting him and her into a corner over the sundial at the moment is going to serve you best.. I get the anger.. but if the long game is to prevent her from control and taking things.. getting them aligned against you is doing yourself no favors.
I am right there with you on
I am right there with you on that. There is a lot to think about. The sundial was just the thing that broke open the whole situaiton. The burr has always been the greedy SD. Even he knows, when he has his sane moments, what she is and has admited it, as with her going after him about the will. He stood up for that especially after he heard she was starting to pressure me about the same thing.
As I have said, I am going and doing things slowly for just that reason. You are right on the long game is to prevent her from taking control and taking things. I am VERY angry and hurt right now, and ot having a heck of a lot of communication etc. with him even though he is hovering around, can I get you this, can I get you that, are you alrlight.
Where the SD is concerned I feel betrayed and that I can't trust him. That is very scarey knowing what she is.
I have an appointment to go talk to a persion that deals with senior issues in our community tomorrow. I am not saying a word about it. My plan is just to say I am going out for a McD's and sit in the park (in the car) and read. I do this often. I am goign to tell her abaout the SD, her attempts at the wills, the stealing, how the few times she has offered to help would either show up for 1 hour or not show up at all thus unreliable.
I don't know if it dementia or not. I know today when we went to this Pain Clinic - a real such thing associated with the Cleveland Clinic that takes a urine sample first thing so they know you aren't on drugs and looking for more, and does a total evaluation and the docs. discuss your treatment to start on your next visit.
I degress, I was going to go in with him, as I normally do, he said I should just wait for him. Okay. When he came out he was sorting out all lthat he was told about various options he might do and where they would probably start. When I asked if he inquired about the effects etc., he did't know, didn't ask and then said I should have gone with him. I know a few times in the past when Docs have told him something or asked him something, he doesn't respond. I would step in and rephrase it or tell him it was okay, I understood what the Doc. was saying. I was putting it down as to just Doc. office nerves, but maybe it is more.
Going in
Probably, most likely more.
During Covud, dementia DH needed to see the ENT. They would not let me in with him. When DH came out, and I asked him about the visit, he could only remember that he had a prescription.
We picked up the prescription. It was a nasal spray. We followed the directions on the bottle. Problem was that the doc had given him additional directions that were not on the bottle. Found out weeks later when they let me in at the followup.
ESMOD
The SD will always be against me. Believe me when I say there is something wrong with her.
You may already be protected
In most states, it is impossible to completely disinherit a current, legal spouse. Even if everything is changed over to SD, depending on where you live, you may still be entitled to a portion of your husband's estate.
No matter how solid your legal ground is, however, you may have to go to court to assert it. That takes time and costs money. A judge can award you your legal costs, but can't do anything about your stress, frustration, or time. Your best bet is to find out your rights now and act now to protect them before SD has a chance to start muddying the waters. That's why you should speak with an attorney as soon as possible.
One resource I would recommend is the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP). Their website (aarp,org) has many articles and other resources for older folks thinking about divorce, worried about their assets, dealing with dementia in a loved one, etc. It might help you to poke around there a bit before you meet with your attorney.
Great suggestion Lizzie. I
Great suggestion Lizzie. I'll get over there for a look.
One thing I do know. He is totally dellusional if he thinks his SD will help him now or help me when he is gone. That is so solid you can take it to the bank, as they say.
Or he'd be paying 500 ON TOP
Or he'd be paying 500 ON TOP OF SD's 500 for his part as an accomplice to the crime.
Who the heck gives away other people's belongings without so much as a by your leave?!
Not only did he give it away, then he tried to say it was packed away in the garage, when it had been IN THE YARD, and OP knew it was in the yard because, well, it's her yard! I mean, the nerve of some people.
You should see a lawer
And find out what your legal rights are in the state where you live. Then insert your rights as a wife. Stopping any transferee of $ in IRA, savings stocks bonds.
Bring your income tax record, showing where the money is. Accounts your paying taxas on.
'A marriage wife has more rights then a adult child.
DH just can't take community property of the marriage and just give it away.
'The faster you stop this the better it is. Stopping something is easier then getting back money.
'Once again open a account in your name only so you have funds for this fight. No matter the status of your marriage is. You still have rights. Lawer up
That is where I am focusing,
That is where I am focusing, not on the sundial, not on his betrayal, but on my future and protecting me for the SD. I don't want to end up in some substandard nursing home/care beacause she abscounded with everything she could. Of course, if she gets her way, she will put him in the same ole decreped nursing home.