Split holidays: This is what's it's come to
Hi, all. After 10 years of dealing with middle aged SKs who either ignore me or are openly rude, my DH and I went to a new therapist and she suggested that my husband see them when he wants to and that I can decide to go to events with them there or not. Because they have chosen not to be polite or kind to me at all in the last decade, SKs do not get to see their half brother (our young son) without me being present due to the emotional problems both have (the oldest has borderline personality disorder and the middle one has anger management problems, multiple DUIs and a tendency to be emotionally cruel.) For Thanksgiving, my son (my husband's last child and their half brother) and I spent time with everyone and once again, I was completely ignored by the SS except when he made a threatening remark that he was sure only I could hear. Wanting to enjoy the holiday for once, I will be visiting my side of the family on Christmas Day while he gets together with SKs and his side of the family. This way, my young son does not witness their toxic behavior and can spend time with children his own age, my nephews. I figure I've paid my dues for the year with the Thanksgiving visit. Besides, I will see them all again in January for a different family celebration. My question is this: for those of you who have been down this road before, does splitting holidays like this help or hurt the marriage? My DH and I will spend Christmas Eve together with our child. I realize that I will likely be dealing with this problem forever and want to find a solution that works for both of us without hurt feelings or resentment that I have chosen to disengage. Thank you for any help you can provide.
It matters. He has tried to
It matters. He has tried to force basic norms but with their emotional problems, it is far worse than simply a resentful adult stepchild. We both tried to make it work for many years. For the two years, we have largely removed ourselves from their lives. He does go to lunch with them or dinner, about 4-5 times a year. I do not attend. They do not see our son, their half brother, because they can't be civil to me and are often cruel to him. We tried to get them into counseling but as adults, they weren't interested. When hubs has been in the same room and it has been obvious, he has asked them to apologize or we have left or declined invitations. So they don't get much due to their bad behavior. A small sliver of a relationship, compared to what might have been had they been polite, kind and reasonable. I believe that, in the end, people do what they want to do. And in this case, they don't want to change and so he only sees them a few times a year. They have made it clear they do not want a relationship with me and I have given up hoping it will improve. After a decade, it is just as bad as ever. They are not welcome to come by our house. We don't see them on weekends. I am not in any way associated with them on social media.
Love this idea. Thank you for
Love this idea. Thank you for the suggestion. Have considered calling the police before but was stopped by family members just as dysfunctional as you can imagine.
I would never do this, we are
I would never do this, we are a couple and we will have Christmas together, if I have to do my own thing, then why even bother being with SO...
We compromised, one year SO's family, I suck it up and spend it with them, if any one says something I do not like, I immediately put them on the spot and say - What did you just say, please repeat it I did not hear, I do it loud enough for heads to turn into my direction and listen.... through the years the little snippet comments stopped....
Years with my family I give a sh!t if SO enjoys it or not, he can suck it up, his first year with my family I thought he would die.... but now he can't wait for it, he says it's relaxing and calm and every one just get along...
Aergia had an issue cause this year it's my parents year, she complained and why do we have to go there blablablablabla
SO simply told her, you are not invited you can stay at home..... now at home means next to his parents house, he told her she can go over to his side of the family but we both know she will not...
And Ladies, even though I contemplate murder daily, not braking up, this is why I am still with SO, when it's important he puts me above his snot slut brat
Good for you and him,
Good for you and him, Acra...it is nice to see a man who steps up for his wife when he needs to do so; clearly it makes a difference!
Thank you for your reply.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I do that also. My favorites are: "What did you just say to me?" That forces attention back on what they are saying, with an audience this time. And, "who do you think you're talking to? Nobody talks to me like that." Afterwards, they just pretend I don't exist. It gets tiring though. My husband and I will have Christmas eve together with our child and all of Christmas Day, just not Christmas Day eve (dinnertime). You're lucky the comments have been fewer than what they were. I think in the beginning, oldest thought she'd be able to break us up and when that didn't happen and she got divorced instead, it has become more just ice me out. Perhaps next year, we can discuss being out of the state entirely for the whole time and see how that goes. It's a shame that they don't think of their father's happiness, just be happy for him the way I have been supportive of their choices of partners. But they are so self centered and uncaring, it's clear they really don't care about his feelings at all.
I don't care if they try and
I don't care if they try and ice me out..... these people are nothing to me, I tolerate them cause they are SO's family... some times when I'm in the mood I pretend not to notice they are ignoring me and I keep on talking to them }:)
As soon as SO realize some of his family members are ignoring me he will come and sit with me or tell me to come and stand with him... see this is the custom around here, woman in a group and men in a group - Normally it's just the woman being bitches, I have no problem standing with SO and his brothers, men really do not care about things like this.... they might not like you but they still talk to you and make jokes...
His sister and mother then will usually try and call me over... I have to adhere to the custom... I ignore them..
My view, as long as I have SO's support and I support him we are fine... I give a dang about other people
You likely won't be dealing
You likely won't be dealing with this 'Forever' since one of these days the skids will have their own families and will not necessarily want or be able to see DH on Xmas day. In my case, we bypassed the whole family Xmas thing by simply booking holidays away leaving before C-day.
We hold a dinner the week before Xmas for,the skids,,any single relatives, and so on, at our place. It is a turkey dinner and we exchange modest, almost token gifts.
The skids complain bitterly about oir being away on the"special" day but DH prefers to avoid the hassle. We now enjoy our time together an d it's the only way we've found to avoid being manipulated by the outlaws on each side.
Thanks for your answer. The
Thanks for your answer. The oldest daughter is in her 40s and has never wanted children. It was a factor in her most recent divorce. The middle 30s SS goes through GFs fairly regularly as his emotional problems soon become apparent to anyone he's dating and he has steadfastly refused therapy so probably not getting serious anytime soon. The youngest is gay. I like the idea of being away together the whole time and will discuss this with DH for next year. Perhaps not having him at all will cause them to reconsider what it will take to have him there. In the past, I've gone for a few hours then left to put my child to bed but honestly, I just don't want to do it anymore. It's pointless to subject myself and I hate the victim mentality. I'd rather be where I am wanted. I think DH will not like being apart from us, his new family, spending it instead with a bunch of self centered millennials for the sake of a tradition that doesn't really hold up. Family should be inclusive and with people choosing to stay away more and more, this may have run its course.
My question is this: for
My question is this: for those of you who have been down this road before, does splitting holidays like this help or hurt the marriage?
I have found that any sort of disengagement with abusive SK's has helped the marriage. We did not split up the holidays due to long distance but DH knows that any relationship he has with some of his kids is strickly his own doing. I love the one SD and we get along great. Happy to have her to any event and I usually do the invitation. DH is welcome to see the rest of them on his own whenever he wants.
Bottom line was that when DH did not feel like he had to run interferance between me and the rotten SK's it allowed him to sit back and truely look at his kids and his relationship with them. It wasn't pretty. He finally saw that most of his kids are a mess. I offered no judgments or "I told you so". We still don't talk about them much but since I am no longer angry at being treated like garbage I can listen to his disappointment at how they turned out without turning into a ranting shrew like I used to.
I think you are wise to split up the holidays. Just because it is this year does not mean it is forever. Let him see his kids with out you and he might have a new opinion about them.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply. You have more patience than I do and it sounds like you handled your situation very well.