SS turns 24
Forums:
My oldest SS turned 24 this month. We had him over for dinner and birthday cake.
Nellie: Do you feel like a grown up?
SS24: (Looking kind of shocked at the question.) No.
Kind of reminded me of when I asked him a few months ago if he had a 5 year plan. He laughed and said No. I don't think he has a 5 minute plan.
Not to sound like I'm all that, but this is Nellie on her 24th birthday:
College graduate
Full time job with responsibility
Homeowner
6 month old car - first loan I ever got in my name
Married
Pregnant with BS23
I'm sad for SS24. He seems shocked by life and the whole complicated world. Loser with a capital LOSER.
Nellie
Extended
Adolescence Syndrome. Coddling & overcompensating thru parenting by guilt. There ought to be a law.
I don't know
I grew up a child of divorce. I know my parents did have a tremendous amount of guilt but, I don't think I was spoiled or coddled. Maybe others would disagree. At 24 I was a single mother of a two year old boy. Started my first "real" job a year prior. Didn't have a five year plan or any idea for that matter how I was going to make my way in life, and take care of my baby.
Gotta tell ya, I turned out just fine.
He may find his way Nellie. It just might take him a little longer than it took you.
Have faith.
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
I don't know
I grew up a child of divorce. I know my parents did have a tremendous amount of guilt but, I don't think I was spoiled or coddled. Maybe others would disagree. At 24 I was a single mother of a two year old boy. Started my first "real" job a year prior. Didn't have a five year plan or any idea for that matter how I was going to make my way in life, and take care of my baby.
Gotta tell ya, I turned out just fine.
He may find his way Nellie. It just might take him a little longer than it took you.
Have faith.
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
Darn
My computer got locked up. Sorry it sent that so many times.
Don't really think it was parenting by guilt
There really wasn't any coddling. His full blood brother did just fine, just graduated from college. My two kids (step-siblings for SS24, they all grew up in the same house) are fine also - college grad and almost college grad.
I think what happened was smoking weed and deciding not to care about any goals whatsover, being stupidly stubborn, not worrying about the consequences of anything.
It's just sad. He had such potential. Now he's watching his 3 siblings becoming professionals, he lives in a rented room and delivers pizza.
I have a 24 year old SS that
I have a 24 year old SS that sounds just like yours. He has moved home twice. Just moved out yesterday. Thank God. I had to force him out. He had been there 7 months. No job most of it. He has went to work and spends his whole check drinking etc by monday each week. Has 22 items on his record. 5 drug charges. He just dont give a crap about anything. He treats his mom like sh&t. And she responds with more babying. My wife and i have fought almost everyday since she let him move back. I am done supporting his lazy as$. When he fails this time he is not coming back.
"I am done supporting his
"I am done supporting his lazy as$. When he fails this time he is not coming back."
Sometimes that the best thing you can do for them. I hope your SS can work things out for himself. He's old enough to be accountable.
"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."
Dorothy Parker, 'But the One on the Right,' in New Yorker, 1929
US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
storm, you give me hope
Storm, your post gives me hope. I'm glad you turned out fine and hopefully SS24 will turn out fine.
What is turn out fine anyway? I guess to me it means that you are a happy person and self-sufficient.
I don't really understand why SS24 is at the place he is in his life. Compared to his 3 siblings he is so unprepared for life. But I have to remind myself that at every decision point, he has made the choice that led him to EXACTLY where he is today. So I have to believe he is where he wants to be, otherwise why would he have made the choices he made (to reject the paid for college, refuse to do homework in high school, get high all the time)
Nellie
Turned out fine?
Maybe I'm overly optimistic when it comes to this topic, but I figure if I could pull my head out of my a**, there's hope for lots of people.
Yes, happy & self-sufficient is probably what we all want for our kids (bio & step). Some of us take different paths to get there and as I always remind my BM, my idea of happiness may not be exactly the same as hers.
SS has made all his own choices and is completely responsible for where he ends up. Maybe he'll have regrets later in life. Maybe he won't. While my idea of happiness, right now, isn't a rented room, delivering pizzas, is he happy delivering pizzas? He has a place to live (that's not with you) and a job. At 24 I had a good idea of where I needed/wanted to be and was on my way, but I wasn't there yet.
I took the longest detour possible. Unfortunately, I know not everyone comes out of experimenting with drugs and alcohol, but I grew up during the "decade of decadence" (mid to late eighties), and more of us made it through than not. Life was one big party with no tomorrow in sight. Believe me, I was doing things my parents still do not want to know about to this day (I'm 37).
So, turned out fine:
I have a certain amount of respect and confidence in myself which I think is key, and have accepted responsible for my actions in life. That allows me to be self-sufficent and....happy.....I think I have a hard time with that word because it's difficult to define. I have a good job, my own home, car and all the other things I "need." I raised my BS15, not without struggles, to be a good kid with goals and asperations. Does he still dissappoint me? Sometimes.
I can't remember who blogged about wishing there was a magic wand that would take all our kids troubles away, every parent would use it. But, even as much as I struggled at times, I would have been a little disappointed not to have experienced some of it, and I don't think I would appreciate all that I've acheived nearly as much.
But that's just me...
Storm
"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."
Dorothy Parker, 'But the One on the Right,' in New Yorker, 1929
US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
Is he happy delivering pizza?
Per Storm: Is he happy delivering pizza?
Actually, no. He just quit that job to work in a video rental store. He goes from one minimum wage job to another. So I don't think he is happy or he would stick with things.
This week we started getting mail from a collection agency for one of his many bad debts. I kind of have this "so what" attitude about the debts. My husband says that one day he will regret his bad credit rating but I don't think it will ever be a problem. I see him renting rooms forever (therefore never trying to qualify for a lease), and never buying a car on credit, and never buying a house. Explain how a bad credit rating hurts a person like that.
Nellie
Wants to work as little as possible
So SS24 came over one night this week, to pick up his mail, have dinner with us, and do laundry. His stack of mail included the following:
a notification from his old bank about reporting his as defaulted on his account (that he put in the red then walked away from)
an overdraft notice from his new bank
a letter requesting payment from a collection agency for $961 (from an even older bank)
an overdue notice for $1550 from the county for mental health services after the police picked him up high and naked 3 years ago
DH asked him why he was letting himself get in so much debt. The reply "I want to work just enough to get by, no more". DH pointed out that he was NOT getting by, as evidenced by the stack of debt related mail. SS24 had no comment, didn't care about the mail. DH asked him what is going to happen if your car breaks down, you get sick, etc. He had no answer (there is not answer is there).
What an idiot.
Just venting
Nellie
Big fight between DH and SS24
DH was trying to talk to him again about working more than he does. SS24 says he doesn't care about his debt or any problem related to money. He wants to work as little as possible and he's not going to change his ways. His reasons for not wanting to work were:
1. He had to pay some fees to reactivate his green card after being out of the country over a year - and now this country owes him.
2. He had to move a lot as a kid.
Not sure what moving a lot has to do with not wanting to work.... I moved every couple years as a kid and it does not seem connected with work ethic....
Also we found out that he was fired from his pizza delivery job (he had said that he quit) and that he doesn't actually work at the video store where he said he had a new job.
Just more venting by Nellie
Hi Nellie
I hear you, sister.
So what was in our mailbox this week?
- 2 student loan default notices for SD24
- 1 student loan default notice for SS21
- 1 collection notice for SD18 for not paying her doctor
- 1 collection notice from the bank for SD24
- 1 notice of a court case for SD24--collections
- 1 notice from the DMV that SD18's vehicle will be impounded for non-registration and no insurance
And on the phone?
- 3 collection calls for SD24
- 1 collection attorney call for SD24
SD24 has a full-time job and has repeatedly promised DH that she is paying her creditors and making good on her student loans. Right. LIE. See, that's the reason she gave DH for not paying on her car loan and insurance for the past 2 months. She changes her cell phone number every couple of weeks to dodge the creditors and won't complete a change-of-address form so they can't find her. DH and I tell them all her information anyways.
SS21 just lost his grocery clerk job after 2 weeks. The manager was "such a jerk"--just like the 10 jobs he had before that. Now he's content to plant his a$$ on his mother's couch and bemoan the unfairness of it all until she kicks him to the curb.
SD18 informed DH that she thinks she's pregnant. Could be another lie--we hope so. She has decided that becoming a single welfare mom is a great idea because she can get a paycheck without working. Cool! All her friends are doing it, so why not? If she's not already pregnant, she will be soon. There's nothing DH can say that will change her mind.
Honestly, Nellie, I just don't understand these lizards and I never will. I think the biggest difference between our generation and theirs is that they lack a sense of shame. They will spend their lives stealing via credit cards and bankruptcies, using others and taking advantage the largesse of government programs because they feel they are entitled and owed.
I just don't get it, and it makes me frightened for the future of this country.