Your DH's kids are asses. I will tell you right now, my SD23 would be mighty sorry if she ever pulled this crap. My husband would be pissed and there's no way he would not have called me to come. That is, if he even stayed at the damn party. My SD may not think I'm the greatest person that ever lived, but she knows how her dad feels about me.

Your DH's kids AND your DH should be embarrassed and ashamed. They all need to grow the hell up.

He didn't want to "get in the middle" :jawdrop: What that means is that he and/or his kids perceive that you have excluded them from relevant celebratory events. For example, if you had held a surprise birthday party for him with your friends and deliberately excluded them, I'm not saying they'd be justified, but they could want revenge.
But I'm assuming that is not even the case? That at birthday and other celebrations there is room enough for everyone to involve themselves emotionally?
That being so, the stunt they pulled was irrational.
And in any event it was intended as a public humiliation. I would be so strongly tempted to let the friends/family members know exactly what happened there, although maybe not as the humiliation could rebound on you -- only you can judge that.
And the DH just has to step up and admit that this was an aggressive act. I would not let it rest until he did. "Getting in the middle" was not the issue. "Being pushed to one side" by his grown kids and being used like a stage puppet by them, with the friends/family being the audience, was.
This can't be glossed over but DH must make some reparation.

Within days of us getting married DH and I had discussions that included the concept of "him in the middle." We agreed that he is not in the middle. His place is by my side at all times. That's what marriage is, we are the team.

I also told him flat out the whole thing would never work if he felt he had to ask my "version" and compare it to SDthen13's "version." If he wants to put me on the level of a kid, I cannot survive here. If he cannot trust me as a responsible and caring adult to report accurately what I see, then he has no business being married to me.

He embraced those ideas. And you know what? It's still hard!

Do not know how anyone can live being treated like a junior partner or a perpetual 7th grader.

Your DH was put into a bad and embarrassing situation. But the way he handled it made it worse. There he is yukking it up with all your circle and you are nowhere to be found. That paints you to his friends as either the wife who doesn't care enough to show up or as the ball and chain he escaped from for a short breath of freedom. Just great.

If this kind of thing is typical in your marriage, you would be justified in leaving. Only you know whether you have enough tenderness for him left to talk it through first. If you do, I suggest being bold and blunt, as I was with my DH. Make it crystal clear either you are his special lover or you are not. If you are not special to him and are not his delight, no reason to be together and certainly not for you to go through this demeaning and demoralizing crap. You can be loving when you say all this, but you can be very clear at the same time.

There are men out there who will love you and not want you to miss a thing. Really, there are. I've got one! No need to feel like a steerage passenger in your own marriage.

Ok, this totally has pissed me off for you, grrr. I don't even know what to tell you, except that I'm sorry, your DH allowed this to happen.

My DH made it clear to my SD when we 1st got together that where he goes, I go, do not try & separate us, it won't work out well for you SD. There were a few times, she tried to get DH all to herself but it never worked out for her. Your DH needs to grow a back-bone and tell his grown children to suck it up, plain & simple.

If I was you, I would plan a 'special day' for myself on DH's dime and exclude him from it, give him a taste of what that feels like and you most definitely deserve it. Gosh, I'm so pissed for you.

They are all acting like assholes. OMG, my SD22 got married last year and didn't want me or my kids to come to the wedding. My DH said to her, not inviting your stepmother, stepbrother and stepsister is a deal breaker. Either everyone is invited or count us and out gift out.

Your DH needed to defend YOU. I'm appalled (yet not surprised) that he opted not to embarrass his offspring. My DH did that initially - always chose their feelings over mine. We went to an AMAZING counselor and in just 2 visits withe her, his entire attitude changed. Your DH needs to understand how the two of you are a team and his kids have nothing to do with that team. Unless and until he does, this will recur - A LOT.

Good luck to you.

Change the locks next time DH leaves and when he comes back tell him through the door that some days you want him at home and some days you won't and you will let him know when the next day you want him there is. Then tell him "Sounds a lot like how you are with me when it comes to your kids and our friends huh?"

Then turn out the lights and go to bed. If DH is still sitting on the door step in the morning tell him that you will take him out to coffee to discuss how things will be regarding your marriage being both yours and his top priority from now on and that you and he are either equity life partners in all things or you are nothing to each other.

His choice. Depending on the choice he makes he gets a key or divorce papers. Make it clear that you do not expect nor will you tolerate him giving up his children but neither will you tolerate him tolerating their toxic manipulations.

I have no use for this weasel of a husband you have who has no courage and is sneaky and untrustworthy. Were I you I would not tolerate his shit regarding catering to his toxic spawn at your expense for one more second. Staying at that "special day" celebration for one second after walking in the door to the place and seeing that you were not already there should have been an instant deal breaker once he found out you were not invited. He should have done an about face and been out the door to call you to come immediately or to tell you to get ready for a nice dinner that would just be the two of you. Then he should have walked back inside, called the party to order, apologized to friends and told them that he would not stay at a celebration organized by his children that his bride was not included in the he should have left to pick you up for dinner.

:jawdrop: You know what, your DH is a supreme jerk and you should take him to task for this. I would kick him to the curb for his actions. They only do what they are allowed to do. I would make him go to a therapist or tell him that the marriage is over. It's abusive what he did and allowing his children to be like that to you is abhorrent!

This is horrible--I'd tell DH he wasn't invited into the bedroom. And to sleep in the other room until he found the balls to make this right. And I agree I would call one or two friends or make a note of not being invited and how sad it was that the step children were so immature on Facebook. Rumor mill would get this thing kicked off in the right direction.

If it were me--his stuff would be on the front lawn. But that's me and I've had 4 husbands so I'd just tell him next and I'd go looking for number 5.

I'd throw H out if he ever did this to me. Your story makes me so mad at your DH.

There are several suggestions on here for you. I hope you can find a solution that works for YOU and makes YOU HAPPY.

Just wondering, how were the mutual friends made aware of this dinner? How did the children happen to have addresses or phone numbers to call? My adult children don't have that kind of information. Do most adult sc? Something here doesn't add up. I have arranged to have people get together for surprise parties . If a surprise is meant for one particular person of the couple, it seems the door is wide open for the friends to be calling to ask the usual"what should I bring" to the other spouse. If sc was giving impression it was for both, first remark out of most mutual friends would be to question the missing spouse. Was your husband in on this from the beginning??

I hate the passive attitude that your husband took. He didn't want to get in the middle of it? To me, not standing up for you is as bad what his kids did. He might as well have been in on the planning of the party too.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Listen to Cat. That is great advice. My situation is very similar and I am seriously considering following her advice too.

That was terrible treatment of you and the posters are right. Your DH is as guilty as the steps. My DH doesn't have a spine either and I feel like I am the only one hurt, as you were.

Good luck and hugs.

In my view this situation with the DH allowing the SS to sneer openly on FB when the W expresses public anguish is virtually irremediable. However I agree with Notasm that anything is possible. But what I would say is that you can still be a glass half full person about your marriage, but nonetheless you will want to preserve and protect that half glass. So go see an attorney stat and get them to lay out the whole picture for you, the options, the variations, and so forth. Treat it as a confidence booster. If you know what you are worth financially within the marriage, what is your leverage, this can boost you emotionally and lead you to your next step. Now whatever you do make sure DH knows nothing about your little advice-gathering exercise and don't leave any electronic or paper trail. And definitely search around for recommendations and pay for the best you can afford. I know I would say this, but legal focus can enhance emotional focus.

OMG, this is unbelievable behavior from the whole lot. That said, my husband would have acted the exact same way regarding the original party - I would bank on it.

Should he have called you to come to the original party? I don't know. It sounds as if the bridges were burned a while back so he had a great excuse to not call you. 

The real issue is the next event you described. It was your evening to plan and you didn't invite SD, and yet there she was. So he will bring SD uninvited to YOUR party, but he wouldn't think of inviting you to a party SD planned? That ain't right. Even my lame husband wouldn't do that.

This is the problem with disengagement as I'm experiencing it. The world goes on (happier, apparently) without disengaged SMs there. It's isolating, humiliating. And your husband and my husband can't or won't do what has to be done for everyone to play nicely, so we remain isolated and humiliated.

One last thing...don't blame friends who were at the original party - they actually ARE in the middle of a mess that isn't theirs to fix or meddle in. I'm sure they would have felt awful if they had known how this went down. The awkwardness of you not being there is a good thing - it shows friends the ugly people you are dealing with. Keep the blame where it belongs - in the family.

I'm really sorry you went through this. My mouth dropped when I read your posts. Therapy has helped us, but it hasn't fixed us.

I should be working, but I can't stop thinking about this!

So, by "special day" party, do your skids mean, "it's a special day because we've engineered an utterly humiliating scene IN SM'S ABSENCE, replete with her own friends in attendance, giving the illusion that SM doesn't actually exist and, on top of that, we managed to put DUMB DAD right in the middle but we know he won't have the you-know-whats to do the right thing and alert SM to this SPECIAL DAY" ?????

Like what the hell is a "special day" party anyway? This was nothing but a mechanism to drive a gigantic wedge between you and your husband, and your stupid husband FELL FOR IT! They wanted to send a message to you and everyone else, and boy, did they pull it off.

I'm not saying your husband wasn't to blame for his kids getting to the point where they'd even attempt something this divisive and ugly. He's probably let them call the shots for years and that's why you're disengaged and they're beyond passive aggressive. But I have to admit - this was clever on your skids' part. They forced your husband to take action (call and invite you) or appear that he was OK with excluding you...They forced him to take sides in the guise of a "special day" party! Brilliant!

So if you pick apart what really happened in the beginning...

Your husband didn't knowingly exclude you. They did.

No, your husband didn't call in the midst of this "party" to invite you. Right or wrong aside, that might have looked ungrateful on his part after his dear kids threw him a surprise party. Everyone's having fun and suddenly he takes out the phone to invite you...cold shower on a party...and that would have looked like he was shifting to your side.

Bottom line, they used his emotional tie to them to put him in a pretty unmanageable spot, especially for a spineless guilty daddy.

Everything else after that initial party was your or his reaction to the way that party went down. It worked. They have driven a wedge the size of China between you. I know there were cracks before, but they wrenched those cracks open like the Jaws of Life to cause this...and now you're thinking of leaving.

Let's back it up, sister. Your husband behaved terribly since this happened. He has been a shit to you. He has put them ahead of you in a public way and that hurts even more than the private slights. But let's remember their motivation was well disguised and he was manipulated by his skids. I believe, when he walked in and realized it was a surprise party and all your friends were there, it was not a great opportunity for him to think clearly about what the right thing to do was. He's weak. He's guilty.

I am not defending him, but as I thought about how it probably all went down, it became clear your husband hasn't the emotional intelligence to figure this stuff out for himself in utter penitence, let alone in the midst of a surprise party.

I think I might be done with him too, if I were you. But if you're not sure you want to throw in the towel yet, take him to counseling with you. I feel certain a counselor will have a ball with your husband. And I think there might be a chance he sees things differently with a third party holding a mirror in front of him.

Either way, ugh, so sorry. You must feel awful.

This thread is from 2014

and that he needs to grow some BALLS!

What a waste of testosterone this guy is.

smh

My condolences on landing this non-man.

Wonder what happened.....???

so typical.  i recall one of the sds gave her father a framed photo of her father and the siblings.  all three of the skids standing together with dh with a goofy grin plastered on his face.  i was the one standing behind the camera who took the picture.  the slap in the face.  the metal frame said family stamped on it.  this really drove home that i was the outsider and only the father and his children counted.

it has taken a long time for dh to realise what a turd he has been to me.  sometimes he backslides.  my best joy is watching them make messes of their lives from their poor life choices or the result of being mean to others.