Stepchildren exclude their father
I am so glad I've found this forum. I have 2 stepchildren - a 41 year old SS and 39 year old SD. I have been married to their dad for 25 years. He was divorced when we met and their mother had already remarried. I have never, ever tried to mother his children. All I ever wanted was to be civil and respectful towards them and hope they would treat me similarly. I have made it clear that my door is always open but they rarely turn up. We don't call each other for friendly chats. We've just never had that kind of relationship. My problem is with the way they treat their dad. They have both had complex relationship problems and marriage breakdowns. They are unhappy, bitter individuals who blame their dad for everything they haven't achieved in life. Sometimes weeks go by and we don't hear from them. Their dad is clearly on the outer and I'm starting to think that they only include him in their lives because they feel they have to. This makes me furious because he is a lovely man who has tried so hard to do the right thing and has had his heart broken by these stepchildren and their coldness towards him. Recently, my SS was in trouble with the law. When my husband tried to find out if he was OK, my SD and the ex wife clammed up and talked in riddles. We were promised that the SS would call to let us know he was OK but it still hasn't happened. I have tried not to get upset about this and I realise that it is impossible for me to repair my husbands relationship with his kids but the way they treat him is making me angrier as each week passes. I would like peoples' advice on this. Every year, my SD throws a post Christmas Day party at her home. My husband and I attend. It is one of the rare chances each year he gets to see his kids so I go along to support him. Unfortunately for me, most of the people who attend are her mother's side of the family (including her mother, my husbands ex). She's civil to me but as cold as both the SK's. The whole scenario is just so forced and uncomfortable I don't want to do it anymore. Especially given the way the SKids shun their father for most of the year. If I make a decision not to go anymore, will my husband see it as a lack of support for him? How do I handle it? Do I have to go on pretending we all really like each other because it is not the real situation
Wise advice StepAside, I
Wise advice StepAside, I certainly could not have said that any better.
Your intentions are sincere Lifes Too Short, but that's not at all the case with the people you are dealing with
They sound like *ssholes to
They sound like *ssholes to me! We have had some improvement in this area from SD20, since her cousins lost their dad who they were PAS'd from, he died this year while they were unreconciled, although he was only in his 40s.
Fortunately SD saw this as the tragedy it is, and decided to be a little more open to her dad, while she can.
I have also given her this message in our few discussions about her attitude - that you only get one dad, and you only get him for a short time, so don't waste it. DUR - common sense, right?!!!!!
BM was also shown as who she is, with her attitude about the same, while she lives off HER dad's financial support. Oh and child support of course!
I think you can help your DH 'survive' and even thrive by building a loving support system, remembering his special days and creating your own family traditions. The two of you are a family also, is what I believe, children are not required to have a family together. Mine is me, DH and my dog!!!
blesss you for making it 25
blesss you for making it 25 years. I have only been married for 2.5. My husbands sister was my closest friend until i married her brother. She and his family froze me out. yes they were civil but cold. I refused to go to any "family" function. My husband understood. Bottom line you have to do what makes you comfortable. You can support him from, just not accompay him. Maybe things will be better if he goes alone. I am sure he knows how to get up and leave if it gets to intense. Just tell him that you love him, however you cannot do it anymore.
I hear you loud and clear! My
I hear you loud and clear! My SS have been the very same way towrds me and their father, lots of issues, and I let go. I hate to see them treat their dad the way they do but there is also nothing I can do about it. Trying only made me the scapegoat so I backed out all together. I hope one day they can reflect on the good they were given ratehr than beleive all the BS bio mom filled their heads with.
I would just be thankful you
I would just be thankful you only have to see these fake people once or twice a year. The complexities of Dh's relationship with his children are just that. HIS. I stopped trying to guide DH's parenting with ss9 and just let it happen. If these kids are so miserable in their own lives their behavior/thoughts/actions/insight/viewpoint, etc, have very little to do with you or DH at all. You're just the closest, easiest target unfortunately.
Thank you so much everyone
Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I've been giving this a lot of thought since my original post and have realized that I'm pretty angry about it. Another way my SKids damage the relationship between them and their father is birthdays and Fathers Day. My SD tries (not always successfully) to remember them with a phone call but my SS never does. However, they turn up for Christmas and expect gifts. Their birthdays are on our calendar and I used to remind my husband they were coming up. Then I'd be dispatched to buy a card and present. Not any more !! The last serious incident involving my SS where my husband was excluded from the details because my SS had asked that "his privacy be respected" infuriated me. So it's OK for his mother and sister to know but not his dad. I've had enough and I'm disengaging. I will reassure my husband that I love him and that I am a "stayer". However, any function that includes his ex wife and her extended family is off my agenda and that includes the post Christmas function. He can attend if he wishes to do so. If he decides to go without me, I won't ask him to make any excuses for me. I will contact my SD and tell her directly that I can't do it anymore. She will be told (again) that she's welcome in our home but I won't hold my breath waiting for her to arrive. I think it might be a shock to their systems if their dad cooled off. He's been so anxious about preserving his relationship with them he's backed off in several situations where he should have been either more assertive or at least, shown them they had offended him. By acting this way, he's allowed them to wrap him around their little fingers. They could do with a really good wake-up call. But not from me. I'm out of there and I feel better already. Thanks again folks.
I too have dealt with this.
I too have dealt with this. Married ten years with OSD36 and SS34, 34, 29. Yes they r twins. SD would come to our house and sit around, eat like a pig, ignore me or pretend I wasn't there. The only time she did was when she was trying to preach to me or convince her father and I we were damned. Once, she asked me what I thought about her church. Now this is a church that she attends seven days a week for at least 3-4 hours. She also was living there at the time. I told her in some ways it seemed a bit extreme and even like a cult. She totally flipped out. Telling me I could not talk to her like that. That I was not allowed to speak like that in front of her brother and that I needed to just shut up because I was damning them all to hell. I told her she needed to get the F out of my house because her behavior was unacceptable. Her response was it was her dads house, therefor her home. Let me tell you, his name is not on it. It's mine. It was really hard for my H, because he was so afraid for so long that he was going to loose them, but he stood up for me and told her to leave. Needless to say she wasn't very happy, but, she watches her tongue and fakes it now. Let her try pasting on the fake smile for awhile. I sure did it long enough.
My OSD did the same thing.
My OSD did the same thing. Believed MY HOUSE was DH's household. He wasn't even on the mortgage at the time because the BM buried them into debt a few years before their divorce and they had to file bankruptcy. She also was pissed cause we bought a new truck and we weren't giving her enough for her upcoming wedding.
Those demands finally pushed me over the edge, and I wrote her a letter and basically explained the truck was mine, in my name, the house is mine, in my name, that daddy isn't making any more than he was before he met me (basically letting her know in clear print that daddy married his sugar-momma) and I explained that he would do what he could for her wedding, but not a damn dime is coming from me.
Boy, did the SHF after that. The BIL/SIL's all went on the band wagon and had the mob-mentality against me.....and daddy was banned from her wedding.
It truly amazed me how she was so rude to me, yet expected me....no, DEMANDED that since I bought all this stuff for the house and bought a new truck that she DESERVED a chunk of money from me/us for her wedding.