Stepdad - Carer - Nothing .......
My Truth
5 years ago I had a somewhat troubled young SD who was struggling with her identity and who she wanted to be and what she wanted to do in this life.
4 years ago she started having seizures and I became her primary carer (her mother started having the same siezures 6 years earlier), it seemed the obvious, responsible decision. And she asked me to do it and made me promise to always be there.
It’s been a very tough time since then coping with both her and her mother having them at indeterminate times and I have been on a constant state of alert ever since. At one point her seizures were so frequent I had to sleep on a camping bed at the end of her bed for the night ones. I have rarely been more than 20 mins from them both and have often struggled with leaving either of them for long periods of time.
I made an extra effort for stepdaughter as her mother asked me too and to try to make sure her life was as normal as possible. This led to her mother feeling I did far more for stepdaughter than I did for her, which is fair as I struggled to balance this and was asked much more by stepdaughter.
She wouldn’t go anywhere alone unless I went with her or was at the very least right on the end of the phone to react if a seizure occurred.
Understanding how this was making her feel we tried everything to allow her to lead as normal a life as possible, without her missing out on as little as possible, but her own worries and our worries and illness restrictions obviously came into it.
To enable her I was always on the end of a phone and ready to pick her up, she requested this to help her feel safe.
Every now and then she would push her limits and try to do more alone (almost always involving a boy she was trying to keep secret and lying about) and it would often end with a bad seizure to regain my support after the inevitable disagreements these situations caused.
Trust and truth were a requirement at this stage for us all to trust she was being safe and not taking unnecessary risks and for her to know I would be there whenever needed. I never failed in this task and believe I attended and dealt with easily 500+ in the past four years.
In the last few years each time she has wanted to break out of the 'I need support life' she has made some horrendous accusations aimed at myself. But even after a suicide attempt after one of them I was by her side at the hospital.
Dec 24 was my breaking point with life and due to the stress of looking after both and my own mental health battle I broke and was sectioned, spending time in the priory hospital. During my time there she was messaging me and telling me how much she was struggling and that she needed me and wanted me home. I believe now I left too early because it was clear she needed me home. But even on the day I got back it was clear there was a boy, that she was talking too. 3 months of lies and deceit later it is clear she was beyond the talking point and she ran away to his after an argument about her actions. During that first weekend we found the patterns of her behavior with this boy had been going on since jan, including leaving for work and hour or so early claiming she was starting early to claiming she was working and not even being there. This caused sadness, frustration and even anger as with her conditions this had placed her at much higher risk as no one even knew she wasn’t at work. Why couldnt she have been honest about it saved all the lies and manipulation?
She returned home after 3 days and acknowledged all of this even acting like an adult and telling us she had ended it. Things appeared to return to normal, seizures every other day and one at night, also finding her collapsed on floor in her room, apparently there alone for 3 hours.
Then one evening she said goodbye for her normal shift time and said ‘See you tonight’ she never came home that night and was a week and a day before we saw her again. Both times she left a letter in which she made shocking accusations of myself and these are going to leave a mark and questions with us all for a long time.
Why did she act like she needed so much support when it’s clear she didn’t.
Why did she tell everyone she was being controlled when everything was pre agreed so both herself and parents were happy with arrangements.
Why did she use me so much knowing she hadn’t ended the relationship.
Why has she treated the whole family mum, stepdad and 3 sisters like they just don’t matter to her anymore?
I can’t stop the anger and disappointment I now feel and I don’t know how to move forward with someone who is just so 1 track minded that she can’t or won’t see the damage she is causing and leaving behind?
I have tried to remain in contact and we agreed a daily check in and support if needed but she picks and chooses what to tell us leaving us worried the rest of the time.
I realise after writing this that the most obvious solution is to cut ties and stop worrying about her. But after 4 years she is linked to my day and my routine and I’m struggling to remove these links.
I’m not sure anymore how much of a family she will have soon and really not sure I can let her back into my life in a way that trust can ever be achieved. I feel completely broken by her and utterly disappointed.
I hope one day she can see the consequences of her actions and I can find a way to forgive, but I know now I will never forget what she has willingly done to all of us.
I loved her and accepted her as one of my own and gave my daily life to protect and help her feel more confident. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you to be honest and wish you well in wherever life takes you. I’m sorry I failed Dad xx
You're NOT a failed dad
I think you've gone over and above for your step-daughter, you are definitely NOT a failed dad. How old is she? Is she on some kind of medication for the seizures? Is your wife on medication, too?
If there is a positive side to this situation, it's that she's doing what many young women do, whether it's wise or ehether their parents approve or not. That proves that you and her mom have supported her enough, in spite of the medical condition, so that she can go thru the normal stages people do, just like other young women.
You're right that you need to step back some now i don't know much about seizure management but I do know if you and her mom weren't around, she'd have to manage them somehow herself You all are on that road already, with the way you've encouraged her to live as normally as possible.
For your own health, you need to focus more on yourself. You have had a heavy load. Is there some kind of support you can get? I see that you enjoy mountain climbing, is there some way you can get back into that some? Does your wife understand how you feel? I'd feel burned out, too I'm starting to have a caregiver role, too, and didn't realize how hard it is.
If nothing else, I hope you can stop feeling like you're a bad dad. You were dealt a difficult hand and you've done your best. All us parents make mistakes and our kids feel it and let us know. But, if you're like me, you did the best each day that you knew how. Peace to you
SD is 24 now. They were both
SD is 24 now. They were both eventually diagnosed with FND and there is no medication for it itself. For my partner it comes with other complications with are then medication treated. SD was diagnosed with just FND and no medication.
The plan longer term was always te help her seek support and understanding of her condition and for her to find ways (and friends) who could then help manage them. This sadly has never materialised due to her own interpersonal difficulties. Establishing and maintaning long term friendships has not worked for her. SD has a long history of secret BF's she makes her world and the lies and manipulations have cost her short term friends too. If she hadnt crossed the boundary of being so dishonest about this boy, there would definatley been a point where I assume I would of met him and had a chance to explain and even guide them both on how to manage, but this sadly is not possible.
Thankyou for your reply
I absolutely agree
with JRI. All I can add is that it's time to take care of you, first and foremost. Counselling, a full medical checkup, reconnect with lost friends (you HAVE to escape the isolation), and find things to do that bring YOU pleasure.
It's time you put yourself first. You've more than earned it.
This sounds like a nightmare,
This sounds like a nightmare, and it sounds like you need to decompress. I agree with counseling helping you through this. I'm sorry if I missed this, but what has her mother's involvement been?
My partner has been fully
My partner has been fully invovled and of course finds it incredably hard to see her daughter having the same siezures. They cannot help each other as they sometimes seem to trigger one in the other.
All plans and assistance had been agreed between the 3 of us, but SD has difficulties being honest and sticking to plans. e.g. lying about who she is meeting (known and trusted friend is in reality a boy she has met and chatted to on Instagram or Snapchat).
Knowing what she is lying about has been very hard on everyone involved and even after conversations where she appears to understand it just continues.
Thankyou for reply
Welcome to the site!
I didn't know what FND was and had to google it. I think for me, the most telling bit of information you posted was this:
"During my time there she was messaging me and telling me how much she was struggling and that she needed me and wanted me home." Even after you had been taken to hospital under a section, she wasn't thinking of you, but of herself. To me, this displays an appalling level of selfishness. This young woman is not a child, and you have no obligation to be her carer. You need to attend to your own mental health issues, and let her look after her own health. Eliciting a promise from you that you "would always be there" is not an adult thing to do. She is taking gross advantage of your good nature and in my opinion, you need to put yourself first. If this is being encouraged by her mother you need to address this with your partner, as well.
IMHO, if your SD has been
IMHO, if your SD has been prescribed no medications.. and is suffering seizures as much as you are saying.. I think she needs a new neurologist.
My YSD has a seizure disorder.. and is on daily meds that supress the brain activity that cause seizures.. she does not have a specific diagnosis/cause for her siezures.. they started when she was about 12.. and while there was hope she might outgrow them.. she did not and remains on meds that she takes daily.
Are medications without side effects? no.. but a good doctor will work through the various options and find a regime that can be tolerated. Based on what I have seen RE FND.. medications may not be a cure.. but you CAN and probably should be medicated to reduce the seizures..
Seizures are clearly very dangerous.. life threatening issues.. and even if there are side effects that need to be managed from meds.. I would think that would be preferred to living such a limited life that they would cause.
As far as your SD's behavior.. it is not too uncommon for people with these kinds of issues to act out like she has.. they won't take meds (if prescribed).. they alternately lean into their disorder and act recklessly in spite of it. People that care for them become overly protective.. and that can lead to the sneaking out to see boys kind of thing. Perhaps she feels that you and her mother think she should not pursue any romantic relationship.. so she felt she had to hide it?
But.. you also need to take care of yourself and not lose yourself in the role of caregiver. If she is trying to spread her wings.. maybe she needs to do that.. and figure out where her own natural limits are?
Not a failed dad. She is playing you. Stop being her bitch.
From my brief Google degree on FND, it appears to be one of those non definitively verifiable conditions. There is no pharmaceutical intervention apparently and treatment consists of retraining the brain to perform normal Vs abnormal movements. With no provable Dx, I would be highly suspicious that SD is legitimately experiencing what her mother has suffered from. My guess, she is playing the me too card to get attention.
What happened to her seizures when she ran off to get laid for a week or two here and there? She seems to only need you when you are not available and plays that card to keep her claws in you.
Time to give yourself kindness, focus on your wife and your other kids and let this one "break dance" if she is in fact having seizures. Which I find highly suspect and doubtful.
Coddling and catering to this SKidult who very well may be playing the crying wolf game to keep you and mommy on the hook will do you in and do your marriage in if you are not careful.
Take care of you.
All IMH and concerned opinion of course.
I tend to be suspicious of these types of conditions due to my brother's struggles with his MIL's Figmyimagia (AKA Fibromyalgia). She claimed the condition for several years, left her DH of decades to move to a climate supposedly beneficial to the condition. Based on her confiding in her two DD's that she hoped her DH would not follow her but also not divorce her. He is L.O.A.D.E.D and she considers that she deserves to keep access to his personal success wealth and multi-generational wealth. Surprise! He retired, sold their home, and followed her. Once she could not longer play games and figured out that she would not be able to keep access to his wealth and not live with him .... POOF. No more Figmyimagia. A decade or so later he informed her he was moving back to his home city/their prior city and she could either come with him or pay her own bills. POOF, no relapse of Figmyimagia and she moved with him.
I understand that there are people who legitimately have these non definitive conditions. However, the players can use them to play and manipulate.
I understand that you are a caring man and dedicated father. However, at some point it is imperative that you recognize that this SKidult has to be left to her own decisions and to live the consequences of her choices.
Focus on taking care of you and your bride.
My Ex MIL claimed to have
My Ex MIL claimed to have fibromyalgia.. but if you read her symptoms for prostate cancer.. she would have sworn she had that too.
She ended up passing from a major cardiac event.. turns out she had heart issues that were made worse by all the snake oil stimulants she was taking (on top of regular doctor meds).. her tiredness and achy arms? precursers to the big one that took her life in her mid 50's.
I'm surprised that the doctors she saw didn't do more to figure things out.. but some of them must just go through the motions.. and with someone that always had some "malady".. likely dismmissed most of her complaints.