Stepson disobeying rules of the house
My stepson moved in with us 15 months ago,(this arrangement was for 6-8 months so he could get on his feet) he is 23 years old. We sat down with him prior to him moving in and gave him rules and chores.
To make a long long story short. He barely does his chores, doesn't clean up after himself, only works part time and now the girlfriend is here all the time. We originally said no over night guests, then we did allow her to stay over 2 nights a week. She is now staying over about 5-6 nights a week. My husband tries to speak to his son and he says ok, but then doesn't change.
My husband and I have gotten into many fights over this whole situation and I know what we are being taking advantage of. He wants to help his son, I want my life back. He pays $30 a week rent, when he can afford it.
I know that we need to be more strict with him and I need to speak up more, but the tension that all of this is causing between my husband and I is getting intense.
Is there someone is my situation? I don't have any children of my own and I try to put myself in my husbands shoes...of course you want to help your kid out whenever you can. He doesn't like to fight with him, because he wants to keep the relationship between them good, but I feel that if it keeps going the way it is, it will ruin my marriage. He said I have nothing good to say about my stepson. He is a good kid and if he would respect our home and our rules, thinks would be much better.
Any advice or comments?
Your husband should be more
Your husband should be more concerned about his son growing up, being responsible and getting out on his own.
He should also be more concerned about the relationship between you and him and what this is doing to your marriage.
It's your home, too, time to sit the SS down and go over the rules once again and do not fudge on them this time. If you originally said no overnights for the GF, you should have stuck with that. Of course he wasn't going to take you serious about anything else if you let that slide.
Maybe he and the GF need to pull their resources and come up with a plan to move somewhere together instead of living together at your place because that is what they are doing. And for 30 bucks a week. I'll take that rent!
He is a good kid and if he would respect our home and our rules, thinks would be much better.
Do you tell your husband this?
I have told him that he is a
I have told him that he is a good kid. I know that my husband is not putting his foot down when he should and I have never been the one to do any discipline, but I feel that it is probably time for me to speak up and step up to the plate because my husband isn't doing it.
In regards to the rules, I know that we shouldn't have changed them (overnight guests), she just started staying over and when SS was spoken too, he said ok and would keep having her over. The GF had her own apartment and then moved into the dorms at college and she isn't allowed to have overnight guests so that is when we said she could stay two nights a week...
I think it is time for a group meeting, all involved and inform them that this is our house and its our rules or out!
If he can't follow the rules
If he can't follow the rules he can GTFO. Period. Inform DH that the 6-8mos has passed, SS does not consistently pay his $120/mo in rent and he is now out immediately.
When my SS-22 graduated from HS at 17 we gave him that summer until he turned 18 to kick up his heals and do pretty much what he wanted. We gave him the option of attending any college he chose and was accepted to on our dime. He was not interested. We gave them option of living at home rent free if he had a full time job. Nope.
So, we turned him into our beck and call boy/chore bitch and we worked his ass off. Try that with your Skid. Once he realizes that he either does exactly what he is told when he is told or you evict him each morning with no key and he stays out until you and DH get home from work when he can come in if he gets his chores done.
It took 3mos for SS to enlist in the USAF and another 5mos for him to report for basic. We worked his ass off for that entire 8mos.
Hold his gonads to the grinding wheel and SS will either step up or move out. Either way is a win for you.
If DH does not get on board, don't give him a key when you rekey the locks and he can stay out until he gets on board with giving the SKid clarity.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
You got it right! I do feel
You got it right! I do feel like when I speak up and state my thoughts on any of the issues, then I am the bad guy.
It got so bad a few months ago, husband and I got into a bad fight about the whole thing and he said "I am not going to throw my kid out on the street, I am leaving and I will get an apartment and "son" can move in with me".
I am so on edge about the whole situation and it now consumes my day. My husband and I have a very good relationship, the only thing that causes our issues are his children.
What has finally gotten me at my wits end is I am now turning down sex from my husband because they are here and walk right past our bedroom to get to bathroom or kitchen. Friends tell me, who cares if they hear you, but it is a distraction when you hear the whispers and footsteps outside your bedroom door.
My DH works 2nd shift, I work day time so we don't see each other much during the week. Our alone time is weekends and we have SS and GF around the house all day long.
Shoot, I'd have stopped the
Shoot, I'd have stopped the conversation right there and pulled out the suitcases for him.
I am pretty much in the same
I am pretty much in the same situation as you, except that my husband did not threaten to get an apartment for him and his son. However if he did I would help him find one at this point. I think my DH know better than to say that to me and he is in no financial to be able to do so.My DH has $25K worth of debt that he can't seem to pay off because he keeps giving money to his 20 year old kid that lives with us. The house is 87% mine and 13% and because of the money I brought to the table there is less than $90K owed on a house worth $560k. I sometimes wonder if my DH would threaten that if the financials were different.
I tried to talk to him last night about the contract of the rules his son signed and hasn't followed any of the rules and the expectation of skid paying $300 a month in rent was due on February 1st and he had no money left from his pay check on January 30th. His skid went out to dinner, to the bar, pierced his face and bought a bunch of pot and probably other drugs too, but can't pay his rent. He is making $20 an hour working full time. He is suppose to start paying his own car insurance and cell phone this month which both are due on the 20th but my DH is not going to make him. When I brought it up is was all 'it is up to me" and "I will decide when he pays us...I mean me rent" and the famous "I can't kick him out". I laughed (in a bad way) at the way he changed it from his kid paying us rent to "him". He gives unless money for gas, winter tires, etc to his kid out of our joint account which the kid never pays back and the rent is suppose to go to pay back his debts and the balance after they are paid is to put a side for hi to move out.
I stopped talking to my Dh since last night and know he is trying to suck up to me like nothing has happen. He said he was sorry as soon as I came home from work and I said "thats nice'. I wonder what he is sorry for? Having no balls? Being an asshole to his wife because we can never talk about this? Giving me the silent treatment for the rest of the evening? Maybe when I start talking to him I will ask him. At this point I really don't care because i am too mad to care and it is scaring him because I never have been this mad at him. At his point it is counselling or I am so done.
So I know exactly how you feel.
"I am not going to throw my
"I am not going to throw my kid out on the street, I am leaving and I will get an apartment and "son" can move in with me". Your DH is holding your marriage hostage by threatening to move out with his son. Tell him, "Be my guest but don't let the door hit you on the butt on your way out." I'll bet if you call his bluff - and it IS a bluff, he will be doing the backstroke.
You have been more than accommodating. SS is not living up to his end of the bargain. He needs to leave. Now.