Strangers sharing a close family member
For the past 15 yrs. It's hard. Tonight I could not hold back and had to open my mouth. I think you guys know my story. DH has adult daughters that at first were just awful to him and I. Now they pretend to like me but we have no contact except when they visit their father which is years apart for one maybe twice a yr for the other. I've tried. I really have.
I call them telephone daughters. One calls constantly and DH tells her everything about what we do what we eat out etc etc. Tonight I was cooking dinner and she called him. Usually it's like a mother son interaction. You know the nosy mother? He told her my plans for my garden and pushed me to open my mouth was her asking him about my daughter's dating and boyfriend. Mind you, our daughters have zero relationship with each other.
I told DH it really feels invasive with his daughter. Because she has no interest in us for the past 15 yrs and has resisted being a part of us! But DH doesn't see it. What's really crazy is that he is too afraid 99 per cent time to ask info about HERA and HER sister. Would you believe one daughter got engaged 2 months ago and he never asked her anything about it or even her sister!! Granted he is not mean about it but she asks and he tells her about me and my daughter. Innocent to him but it's a problem to me because she has refused to engage as a family with us.
Tomorrow I go back to not commenting and he won't talk in front of me anymore. Awkward. Frustrating.
Clarification.
I waited until after his phone call ended while we were eating He said my comments to him left him with a bad taste in his mouth. Seriously he said that. No pun intended.
He's too close to see it. But for me it's hard sharing someone with strangers who've hurt me so in the past and now it's just nicey nice pretense. And yes I'm glad they are not here but it would have been so much better if they would have participated and we made a family. Not perfect but a family. I do see it sometimes working out. Not on this board. Lol.
Making conversation?
I'm not taking his side, but do you think he was just making conversation? If he's not that close to them, he may not know what to say so falls back on his and your conversation. Just a thought..... i can tell you're like me, still seething from past upsets.
My DH is absolutely like this
My DH is absolutely like this. He just makes conversation and is an over-sharer with pretty much everyone. It gets to me when he mentions the casual aspects of our life to people who don't need to know!
His own half sister is like this too. On the rare times she does contact him she's very chummy but I can tell she's just digging for info about their dad and other siblings.
Yes
I just HATE people who want no part of us to be privy to my life and especially my daughter's. Her dating business is hers not that $&&@!! Lol. It's just the worst part of a second marriage. The intrusion. I don't know if people not involved in this circus life understand. And DH to his credit is really innocent in this but again he's afraid to talk about each sister with the other like engagement ??!!! But me and daughter are open book for "the strangers".
After sd’s ended contact and disappeared for over 5 yrs
They non stop would report to biomum and stepdad everything about us. What we wore, said, did, went etc and would tell us within seconds of entering our car what they told their mum and stepdad and the commentary.
there was no protection of our privacy or respect for it. Not to forget also, bio mum and her family are nuts who do black magic and visit witch drs. Yet hubby in his desperation to build a relationship again with alienated sd's would send pics of our kids who were toddlers who then forwarded this to batshit crazy and her family.
i told off hubby this was not on and hubby claimed sd's had no ill intentions and wouldn't harm our kids yet repeatedly fed them things to get them sick in complete disregard to me saying no then called daddy to guilt him for marrying and having kids with me. That sure backfired on my husbands claims sd's were good people and loved us and didn't want to harm us.
giving daddy an ultimatum to pick them over us, doing everything to destroy our relationship/marriage isn't loving us and being good people. I disengaged 4.5 yrs ago and refuse any meets or events sd's will be at
I am certainly team deliver clarity.
Good move giving DH that clarity.
At some point, stopping the toxic is something we have to do as SParents. Even when our mate might not like that clarity.
I hated when DH had diarrhea
I hated when DH had diarrhea of the mouth. That's what I call it, he just runs on and on.... I'm of the opinion that anyone who is toxic towards me and mine has no right to information about me and mine. Took awhile for DH to get that but he did. Does he put you on speaker while talking to her? I can't remember. You don't have to answer and I might start keeping that info from him. He can't tell her stuff if he doesn't know it.
No speaker.
He used to put her on FaceTime and literally shove her into whatever I was doing. I just don't understand why she wants to know. It's more than to make conversation with her father. I have to go back to silent commentary. I open my mouth to complain because she crossed the line asking about my daughter's dating relationships?!!
I guess it goes back to continually making an effort and getting crapped on. And DH is a massive coward with them.
My DH does that too and I
My DH does that too and I hate it, flashbacks to being a little kid and my mom shoving the phone at me to talk to some distant relative. I'm sure SD wants to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to her.
I Understand Your POV Fully
I've been estranged from DHs kids for over 5 years now. Before that, it was cordial yet very strained. I knew they didn't like me, they made it clear in multiple ways, until they finally took it too far and I cut them out of my life. DH sees them away from our marital home. He has a group text with his kids, which is mainly them screaming about themselves. And he has one daughter....a mini wife....who is the head of the enmeshment and she has to know all, tell all.
I've gotten angry and told DH multiple times to NOT share my or my kids personal stories with his kids. I understand he'll share things he and I do together but as for what I'm doing or my kids...NOPE. Off the table. I don't have to complain anymore as he even rarely shares stuff about himself; his kids ignore his accomplishments or ruin events celebrating him.
And today, I'm even past caring. He could share what he wants. Those people mean nothing to me and the things he shares about me are GOOD things so, let them know. All they can do is "look inside the window." They aren't allowed in. (Took a lot of time in counseling and healing myself to get to this point, though).
It’s so crazy isn’t it?
I could deal better with someone actually in a relationship with me. For all its flaws. You know what I mean. But time and again it is just their father they want. He is thrilled for the attention. But they are telephone children. He rarely sees them and interestingly they spend week long vacations at their in-laws and their mother's house. Last time they were here was for a day in Sept to go to a cultural event.
Info Dump
Good for you for sticking up for your daughter. If SDs are toxic to you, you dont need them to have information about you.
Ive told Husband many times that my business is MY business, but unfortunately, when my business involves him, SD16.5 Power Sulk will hear about it. And shes inquisitive, and sometimes I just dont know her motives.
It sounds like
It sounds like dh has no idea what to say to his kids, so he talks about you and your kids. Also, DH sounds like he is proud of your kids, and maybe he wants his kids to take the hint and be more like them?
My DH does the same thing. He blurts out stuff about me like "Shieldmaiden is sick as a dog right now! " or "Shieldmaiden's niece is coming over this weekend." I know for a fact that the skids don't care about me or my family unless they can tag along on an expensive trip free of charge. So I get annoyed when he tell them my business because he has nothing else to say to them and can't stand the silence. I used to try to explain why I was mad to him. I'd say "SD21 just led an all-out coup against us with your extended family, based on lies she makes up to make herself look like a victim. She has made herself my enemy. She is not allowed in our home. WHY would I want my ENEMY to know when I am at my weakest? With SD21, I have to constantly be on my guard for her next attempt at sabotage. Why do I want her to know my business? "
Sounds familiar
I've sat nearby and listened to my DH have a phone conversation with Oldest SS and some years back I told him to leave me out of the conversation. If he has nothing of substance to talk to this narcissist son of his, I don't need my personal business (no matter how mundane) repeated to 'him'. This ,apparently, is a sore spot with me. DH just got off phone with this A*hole son (who, by the way, never calls...DH always reaches out to him) and it erks the poop out of me that DH does call him. However I digress. Remind your DH that you don't want your name mentioned at all when he talks with A**hole kid. I TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THEY TREAT ME and this oldest SS has little to NO regard for me or his father. Pound sand jerk.