You are here

Feeling wierd

Hola0102's picture

Submitted by Hola0102 on Thu, 05/14/2020 - 11:24pm

 I have a 11 he old daughter from a previous relationship. My fiancé has always been overprotective in the sense that he consistently insists she is getting curious about the boys at the least.  Tonight he told me that he has caught her staring at his crotch. I'm feeling weird about this because I was really wanting to look at their relationship as a true father and daughter relationship. But now I'm just feeling wierd. A biological father would never think that about his daughter right?! So what does this mean as the way he sees her? I can't even really imagine that my daughter would even be thinking about him or looking at him this way since he has been her father figure for 2 years now. Help?! Am I overreacting?

Comments

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 2:28am

It's a sad fact that even some biological fathers sexually abuse daughters. Occasionally a single man with paedophile tendencies will seek out a single mother in order to gain access to her children.   11 yr old girls are almost never interested in adult men's genitals, I think this is straight out of your fiance's head, or wishful thinking.  Do not marry this man yet and do not ever leave your daughter alone in the house with him.  Be watchful and protect your daughter.  It may be nothing, but sadly it may be something.  

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 5:31am

Well, that's weird.

If your daughter has shown zero interest in boys (some do have a lot of interest at that age), then your fiance is having some kind of sexual feelings about your daughter's development that should be a red flag for you.

Hola0102's picture

Submitted by Hola0102 on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 8:42am

Unfortunately she has shown interest in boys already. I just recently found out that she has had a boyfriend in school for months now. I talked to her and asked what this meant for kids their age and she says they just hang out at school and have held hands once. But I also found her chatting on the computer saying I love you and miss you to each other. I'm so confused. I don't know if I'm blowing everything out of proportion. Thank you for your advice!

Monkeysee's picture

Submitted by Monkeysee on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 11:06am

I had a ‘boyfriend’ at that age too, and we hung out in groups & held hands a couple times just like your daughter said. This doesn’t mean I was staring at or even interested in penises. If you’re getting weird vibes from your fiancé, trust your gut. It could be nothing, but do you really want to find out that it’s not?

GreenTiger44's picture

Submitted by GreenTiger44 on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 5:45am

It may be that he is sexually attracted to your daughter and trying to justify to himself his own feelings by saying they come from her/it is mutual. 
 

Have you talked to her about sex/good boundaries/sexual abuse?

DPW's picture

Submitted by DPW on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 5:56am

Ya, I agree. I'd go on a mother-daughter date and start talking to her. She may open up on her own about the truth of the situation.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 5:47am

save your 11 yr oId.  this guy is creepers.  Do not marry, move in, nor get preggers!!!!

GO with your GUT!!

SteppingOut_2020's picture

Submitted by SteppingOut_2020 on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 6:49am

Yes it is weird, your instincts are telling you that its not right!

Now, granted I think its easy to accidentally glaze at someone and just happen to land in those areas as I've done it myself.  Not intentionally, but you know how you just daze out every once in a while?  So I'm not denying that your child *could* have done that, the issue that I have is that your DH made a big deal out of it and even mentioned something like that!   

If you had other suspicions about your child getting involved in sexual behavior or curiosities at that young age, that's something different to be addressed but for your DH to act as if it was some sort of sexual thing from a child is definitely creepy.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 7:19am

It could be true...she could be looking out of curiosity not because she is sexually interested in your fiance specifically.

How much does she know about biology, how open are you with her about bodies and sex and the such? She has probably picked stuff up at school even if you haven't discussed it at home. I know that at that age at school we were comparing who knew what sex was and how it was done, we had "crushes" on boys in our class and celebrities. And probably more towards 12 I remember discussing with my friends when we each thought we might have sex. The 10-13 age is one where things change so rapidly and some children do start to physically and mentally develop sexually while stll seeming to be little kids, it can be difficult to know where they are in that process.

It could also be that her eyes are just settling there and she doesn't really realize it and isn't staring at his crotch specifically. If that is the case then just telling her that it isn't appropriate and reminding her when it happens should help to stop this.

You could watch your sd to see if you spot the behavior your fiance describes and talk with her about boys (and/or girls), bodies and sex. Maybe she will open up to you about her curiosities and let you know what she understands about it all.

Having said all of that, if you have any creepy feelings about your fiance whatsoever, you should probably trust your gut and protect your daughter. The consequences of being wrong are far less if you misstakenly dump him out of overcaution than if you trust him and keep him around and he does abuse your kid. 

Crspyew's picture

Submitted by Crspyew on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 7:37am

That is intuition, deep at your core you know something is off. You have unconsciously been absorbing and processing information,  Talk to your daughter today, away from your fiancé, listen to what she says and act in her best interest.  BTW--he is not being overprotective, he is grooming you both so that when he acts out sexually with your daughter it will be her fault and you will believe him, not her.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 1:12pm

I got the exact same feeling. Intuition is often your unconscious mind trying to tell you something that it has noticed. Listen to your gut - something is not right here.

Felicity0224's picture

Submitted by Felicity0224 on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 9:18am

If she hasn't shown any curiosity about the male body or sex thus far, it seems pretty far fetched that she would be staring at his genitalia. Furthermore, I personally find it hard to believe that a man would even notice an 11 year-old girl doing that unless he already had been thinking inappropriate thoughts about her. Most men are just oblivious to that kind of thing. 

To me it sounds like your intuition is trying to tell you that something isn't right. I urge you to listen to yourself and protect your daughter. Young girls are most at risk of sexual abuse from their mother's male partners and if anything happens then she will have to deal with for the rest of her life. Sexual abuse victims are more likely to have addiction problems, be in abusive relationships, and suffer from depression. I'm sure you don't want to risk your daughter suffering from all that. Quite frankly it's not worth it just for you to have a partner. 

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 1:08pm

Welcome to ST...

I just love these first posts.

 

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Fri, 05/15/2020 - 1:35pm

Lets say it is true.

OP---Child protection is at the top of your duties as mom.

Run dudes name thru your states online data base. You may be surprised about what you find. Next,,

Has he State Hopped prior to you, if so, where? Run his name in that states data base.

In the mean time kick his ass out.