Talk me out of this
I do not think I need to rehash all the horrible stuff dh's ex and dsughters have done over the past 5 years. Last I posted his daughter photocopied her college book bill and sent it to her money tree, my dh. He called her and what came back in a text was simply she will not speak with him, only text or email. But of course she did not tell him his money was no good! Lol...........
So........dh is on business trip and visited one of my kids at college this week. He shared with me how he has seen all my kids colleges, but never seen his daughter's. and he feels soo sad about where he is at with his daughters. He acknowledges that he was a party in creating this awful behavior. I know for myself, the things are dead to me. And the girls are things, honest to god rotten people. I know that if dh sends a sweet text or email, that will get thing 3 engaging again with him. Albeit she will be a victim, but they will still talk. Do I recommend that he contact her and text that he just wanted to see how she was doing? Or do I keep my mouth shut, essentially keeping them the hell away, although we till have to pay for thing 3. I do love my husband.....would he be happier have a separate relationship with her? In some ways, I am answering my own question as I write this. I likely would be opening the door again to all kinds of drama that will not make me happy.
There is an expression: "let
There is an expression: "let sleeping dogs lie" I think it applies here.
beaccountable: I know this is
beaccountable: I know this is not my thread but I could and should really learn from what you are saying. I was and still am always the one to push DH to continue a relationship with satins spawn SD19. He has chosen not to talk to her and I catch myself saying "you know its ok if you have a relationship with her outside of our home, just because I am not on speaking terms with her doesn't mean you have to be"
All and all, my DH doesn't want a relationship with her after the 4 years of hell and I should let him be. I think I do it because I feel guilty, like I took him away from her or something. Its not the case and I need to really stop feeling guilty, she did this to us, we didn't do it to her. If this makes any sense. anyways I was reading through this thread and read your reply. Thank you it helped me out a bit too.
I recommend that you do NOT
I recommend that you do NOT recommend that he contact her.
If he does it on his own, so be it, but if he does it because you say something and it opens the flood gates, you will be kicking yourself.
Even though he is sad about the situation, he may not be doing it on his own because he knows what will happen and does not want the drama, either.
He has to pay half of college
He has to pay half of college at a fancy private school. Believe it or not, that demand was in a court motion delivered on our wedding day. And yes dh was more than willing to pay for our excellent state college, which ain't cheap! So 3 years later, dh just forks over the money and gets nothing back. I hate them, that will ever change.......dh will love them THAT will never change either.......no matter how gross their behavior. He was their nursemaid for years......they became enraged when he married me because he no longer was there. I guess will he be happier without them.. I know I will, but is that right? And I am not saying I will ever meet with them or have them in our home. I guess I feel guilty....it is sick sick situation, and I do believe the best course is steering clear of them,but again that old guilt creeps in, ESP when dh is now involved in my kids colleges.
I know this is a bit
I know this is a bit different but in my dh's case his 12 year old son has been blowing him off since April for their visits. My dh doesn't force skid to come over and I don't say anything either, I just make sure that I document that SKID is the one making excuses not to see his father. DH has talked with skid before and called him out on why he doesn't want to come on his visits but skid just says that he gets "tired alot and that he wants to play with friends etc" so as mentioned above he/we "let the sleeping dog lie".
I admit I sometimes get conflicted by it; I wonder if I should say something but then I realize that this is DH'S problem; not mine! If he doesn't care and chooses not to do xyz then why should I? I don't even like the kid or want him around. I just don't want my dh to suffer in the long run when he tries to go to court to get a lowerage in CS and she tries to pull something making dh look like the one who blows off skid.
But, I said all that to say this...I think that you should say NOTHING. If dh doesn't care or pursue anything or make contact etc then let it be, and if things are better with them NOT in the picture then that is ALL THE MORE REASON to stay mum.
1st - steer clear. Best thing
1st - steer clear. Best thing I ever did was step aside and let the dh/skids relationships happen as they may. After 8 years of chasing them and being a doormat (I invited them to trample on) I have spent the past 4 years happy happy happy for the most part, aside from the occassional insanity from skids and bm.
2nd -- Double check your state law!!! We just went through this! It's entirely possible if she has no relationship with him, he's off the hook for college expenses.
In INDIANA: Indiana law provides that a court may enter an educational support order for a child’s education at a post-secondary educational institute. Ind. Code § 31-16-6-2(a)(1). >>>>>>>>>>>Repudiation of a parent by the child, however, is recognized as a complete defense to such an order. McKay v. McKay, 644 N.E.2d 164, 166 (Ind. Ct. App. 1994). In McKay, the court noted that there is no absolute legal duty on parents to provide a college education for their children, and adopted Pennsylvania’s approach, stating “where a child, as an adult over eighteen years of age, repudiates a parent, that parent must be allowed to dictate what effect this will have on his or her contribution to college expenses for that child.” Id. Repudiation is defined as a complete refusal to participate in a relationship with the parent. Norris v. Pethe, 833 N.E.2d 1024, 1033 (Ind. Ct. App. 2005).This was recently filed http://www.in.gov/judiciary/opinions/pdf/04261302mgr.pdf
In PA look up these cases - DeWalt v DeWalt
Several courts have dealt with this issue and concluded
similarly. For example, in Norris v. Pethe, an Indiana court terminated
the father’s obligation to pay his daughter’s college expenses because she
repudiated her relationship with her father.213 The court explained that
children should not be allowed to compel parents to support their
educational efforts “unless and until the child demonstrates a minimum
amount of respect and consideration for that parent.”214 In Norris, the
daughter rejected attempts by the father to send birthday cards and gifts,
attend her after-school activities, and participate in counseling.215 The
court refused to require the father to “stand with outstretched open
wallet” while the child rejected his attempts to establish a relationship.216
Children can repudiate parental relationships after reaching the age of
majority, but they do so with consequence.217 By recognizing reasonable
expectations that parents place on a child, parental authority can be
preserved in exchange for parental support, even into majority.218
More to look up : Scales v. Scales, 891 N.E.2d 1116, 1119–20 (Ind. Ct. App. 2008) (finding that
mother was not obligated to pay for children’s college expenses when they repudiated any
relationship with her); McKay v. McKay, 644 N.E.2d 164, 168 (Ind. Ct. App. 1994) (father not
required to pay son’s college expenses when son steadfastly refused to have any relationship with
father despite ongoing efforts to reconcile); Hambrick v. Prestwood, 382 So. 2d 474, 477 (Miss.
1980) (father not required to pay for daughter’s college expenses when she had no contact with him
for at least six years and did not want to have any contact with him)
Thanks for your efforts, but
Thanks for your efforts, but I can tell you that their witch mother has sent reams of emails about how the poor things want a relationship with their daddy, (sniff, sniff). She is a smart one. I just want the b$&@$ unhooked for grad school! This crazy state we have to emancipate by court a 23 year old parasite! I have already accepted the college piece but I swear I will lob a nuclear bomb at them if we have to pay her grad school bills. Seriously, I will fight them tooth and nail.
Damned if you do and damned
Damned if you do and damned if you don't - the motto of every SM. I'd let him do what he is going to do without any prompting from you one way or the other.
I don't think it's your
I don't think it's your decision to be honest. And I don't mean that in an ugly way at all. I mean that your dh is a person who has a brain. His relationship with his kids are what he makes them. Not you. If he doesn't have the sense to text his daughter then it's just on him..not on you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
You are not keeping him from doing anything. I think like you sometimes bc I think with my own kids and my previous marriage, I was in that role. I kept my spouse engaged all the time. I think you have to do that with men on some level.
but for you in this role now, I think the advice to let well enough alone is good advice.