off topic... dealing with passive aggressives
Just asking for advice. Okay for the last 5 years I've dealt with very passive aggressive females in my Dhs family. I grew up with loud, terrible yelling but really am not good at dealing with passive aggressiveness. Recently I brought my child to a friends house with a dog that was very aggressive (small dog) and obviously a potential biter. I had my 4 year old with me and she seemed hesitant to pick up the dog or do anything. I asked her to please put the dog in another room. She then stayed at my house for a few nights as a favor to me and brought her do (my child was in bed by the time she came over each time). I did back away from it and it freaked me out because it was always growling and acting like it was going to bite me. Okay it was small but still it was aggressive. A guy friend came over and was joking and put his hand up to it and it aggressively bit his hand (no damage). Later she affirmed her dog was not a biter (she's only had him for a year and doesn't have kids). Apparently this bite didn't count. Anyway, I liked her well enough but she posted this link on her website (not sure if you can see it).
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=248789745235035&set=a.1388687728...
I really regret not dealing directly (w/o looking paranoid) with passive aggressive in the past and am wondering if anyone can give me advice on how to respond. I have no desire to look paranoid or be passive aggressive back.
Basically the facebook post
Basically the facebook post has a picture of a dog with a caption that reads
Remember when you come to my house, my pets live here.
YOU are just a guest.
It's a reposted picture that she didn't make up but still, come on.
Okay, I'm talking to myself
Okay, I'm talking to myself here. Here's how I dealt with it...
Hi xxx, just wanted to clear the air. The dog post on FB reminded me of when I came and asked you to put your dog out recently at your home. Did you post that because that bothered you?
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It doesn't sound too paranoid but it's directly confronted passive aggression if it's there. I swear I need a class on this because I don't speak this language!
What did she answer?
What did she answer?
She seems to be ignoring it
She seems to be ignoring it because she usually answers back right away. As unpleasant as my experience with my H's family was I am really learning to navigate the passive aggressive terrain a little better. In the past (as in my h's family's constant, below the belt but can't call them on it jabs) I was confused and didn't know how to deal. After my SDIL apologized for all the crap she had done (admitted it and it was almost all passive aggressive) I've gained confidence that I can trust my instincts on this stuff.
We'll see. I think my friend will be a little taken aback by direct confrontation but frankly it released me from spending much mental real estate on what seemed like a pot shot at me. It also may save our friendship by bringing it out in the open.
My experience with Passive Aggressives reaction to confrontation though is to deny, deny, deny.
I'm just really glad my ability to recognize and confront PA is is one of the ways that H's family gave me tools to deal with relationships. Nip it in the bud early (she's a new friend) to see if you can get past that stuff and maintain the friendship. Frankly (no offense ladies) after H's family I am starting to really tire of the games and cattiness of our gender! Does any one else feel soured by females after this?
"Does any one else feel
"Does any one else feel soured by females after this?". Personally speaking: no. As Emotionally Beat Up said, men can also play these games.
My biggest passive-aggressor has always been SS27. SD31 has taken a few pot shots over the years as well, but nothing close to the volume I've experienced from SS.
You're right men are PA too.
You're right men are PA too. I think it's the type of PA women do that I dislike so much. Women seem to do the triangulation, gossip and exclusion much more. My H is PA in that he walks away (does not stone wall, I call him back and he comes back and talks) so I understand that.
I actually love women because my sisters (one died) were the closet people in my life. I've just found a lot of them to be hard to be friends with as I've gotten older esp, since getting married to H. I have noticed many of the nasty ones are ones that knew H and his ex for years.
I wish it wasn't so because now that I'm married I can't exactly be friends w/men. Maybe it's just been bad luck and isolation due to having a preschooler.
Passive aggressivness is not
Passive aggressivness is not limited to females, the male of the species can play these games too and they are every bit as hard to deal with. I admire you for your courage in standing up to them. Sorry for all the years of hell you must have gone through learning the skills though. My husband is passive aggressive, but his daughter has not only learned from the master she is far, far worse than the master (dh) could ever be. I banned her from my home last August, and it has only been since then that I have started to confront my husband. I wish I had had the ability to confront her from day one.
It's just so hard to confront
It's just so hard to confront covert activity. People who are PA are usually experts at releasing their anger while avoiding direct confrontation. It's sad that you husband passed this on to his daughter.
I'm just coming off of 5-6 years of passive aggressive behavior by Hs family (gossip, snickers, leaning angrily into me and telling me about someone they thought I should be like).
That's why I nipped this in the bud. I tried to ignore it but it just bugged me so I sent her my text. My SDIL just the other day used FB to exclude me from something (tagged my H, his ex and skids) in a pic with grandchildren the day after I didn't send a card for a b-day (am letting ex do this). She and skids have also ignored whole albums sitting on their page I tagged of my son's b-day party (This is not normal for them trust me, SD and SDIL are on all the time and comment on each others). They also consistently ignored my bday on FB even though in the old format it was clear they saw bdays and wished each other bdays and talked of sending cards (that's when I was buying them presents and cards). this is after years of confirmed gossip and triangulation. Sooo, after the other day I defriended SDIL, not to be PA but just to get out of the drama. It felt very good!
Add that to my list of things I've learned. I may not do it well, but I plan to trust my instincts when someone is being PA and confront it. I think the most effective way is one that doesn't make you look paranoid "When you say that or do that it looks like this, is something wrong?" type of thing. Maybe you could try this with H.
By the way, the girl completely denied that it was at all directed at me. I have to say, she did seem angry about her dog, but she is a sweet person so I don't think she knew how to handle it. I'm okay with that. As long as I confront this stuff right away, in a nice way, I may have opportunity (if I want) to maintain relationships w/people who don't know how to deal with their anger in a more constructive way.
My H was PA in that he would walk out of the room slowly (not angrily) when I talked about what I was going through with his family. He and his mom are really "positive" (she's anything but, but she can't do anything negative directly) and negative feelings weren't allowed. I called my H on this after a few years of him changing the subject or slowly leaving. I basically told him it invalidated how I felt. I consistently called him on it. This way when he did it, it was no longer covert activity which is the PA way.
Maybe counseling or books would help you with dealing with H. I mentioned females because they seemed to do the triangulation, gossip, exclusion stuff so well and I've lost my patience with this type of behavior.
Amen!
Amen!
Update...My friend did write
Update...My friend did write back and swore it had nothing to do with me. I'll take her at her word, though I am aware that PAs rarely fess up to things directly.
I dealt with 6 yrs of nasty PA from MIL. e.g. I invited her to have coffee at starbucks in a moment of peace making euphoria after a glass of wine for lunch. She came an hour late, brought uninvited SD, told me angrily they weren't going to Starbucks but to a sandwich shop and then afterwards angrily leaned into my 9 month old son red face told him to tell his mom (me) that she had a nice house with a backyard and no one needed to meet anywhere else (this has been her BIG thing "to grandmothers house we go", no matter what the cost to anyone else's time). She did this stuff a lot but spoke great things about me (for the first couple years anyway). When I confronted her after 6 yrs, she swore up and down she never, ever gets angry and all she ever did was out of good will.
If my friend is someone who is consistently PA, time will tell anyway. I'm just glad that I'm learning to not get mad but just put the ball back in her court. This is how I hope to deal with it in the future.
Any responsible dog owner
Any responsible dog owner should NEVER have allowed their dog to growl or snap or bit anyone!!!
Tell her to watch "Dogs In The City". Actually maybe it would be good for you to watch it, because this show helps you see how 90% of dog issues are because the owner isn't taking charge or the dog is "channeling" the owners emotional problems.
I would refuse to be around the dog, or allow the dog in my house! End of discussion. If she gets upset about your boundaries, that is HER ISSUE, not yours. Who cares what she posts on Facebook.
My DH's skids and EX are masters of passive-aggression. I don't take it any more, and won't be around them. They are "not safe" and are "toxic" people to try and relate to. I refuse to subject myself to their poison any longer. They pout, and whine, and act all hurt, but in the end their manipulations just don't work on me or my DH.
She better be careful, or the next person that dog bites will sue the pants off her passive-aggressive fanny.
I married into a family
I married into a family filled with passive agressive behaviore nearly 20 yrs ago. Too me, that behavior is simply the behavior of COWARDS, manipulators, and liars. There is nothing respectable about that behavior because you simply never resolve anything if you play thier games. My favorite PA is my husbands ex wife who also knows that as long as she speaks in a dainty, calm voice- she will get anything she requests from him while she's twisting the knife in his back. She's a real piece of work. Tired of PA people- well I'm tired of them and women who do what I just described. Talk sweetly to someones face while you're effing them over. I don't know how they sleep at night. Would much rather confront, work it out, and move on. Sick to death of the hell that I live in. Planning transition!!!
That's one of the most
That's one of the most irritating types of PA. The ones who are sickly sweet and then are constantly irritated and angry at the same time. It just seems obvious they were taught females can't be angry (thus always sweet) and haven't validated and found constructive ways to deal with their anger.
HEAR HEAR^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^.
HEAR HEAR^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. I'm amazed by what I've read about it on this site. I don't have a FB account and am very happy about that in the circs!