Just keep her out of your life and let him have the relationship with her outside of your home. That is what I do with SD16. SHe is not welcome here, but DH sees her about once a month for lunch. That is on him. I don't want to hear about it and he doesn't want to tell me. I am pretty negative after everything she did.

Just don't discuss it with him and disengage from all of them. Focus on you and your marriage, not on their attitudes toward you. That will never change.

I agree with others - who cares if you have no relations ship with your adult skids?

This is what I WOULD have a problem with: my husband went to meet her at her mothers house without me being allowed.

I would say that it is pefectly acceptable for you to say, "Look DH, if you want to see your skids without me that's fine. But it won't be at your ex-wife's house. Period."

I totally agree with everything Jsmom wrote, you also need to disengage from your skids. Your DH can see them outside of your home but he has to know they are not welcome at yours regardless of whether you are there or not. However, he shouldn't WANT to see them at his ex- house and he shouldn't go there to see them. That is unacceptable. I don't feel my DH has stood up for me either but he also sees how difficult his daughters are and now accepts that I won't go to see them or want them in our house. Once I got to the point of disengaging and he understood he could still have a relationship with his daughters but I am not interested in one now or ever things have been so much better in our world. Unfortunately, holidays are so difficult with skids and THAT will NEVER change. Your 20 yr marriage is worth saving you just have to disengage from the stupid adult skids. Things will not get better because they are now adults and are married and have their own lives and families. Hugs to you, Heartbreaking............

Even if SD's husband was the rudest ass in the world, on some level it is not too bad that she stood with her spouse. Not that she had to start WWII but the idea of being on your spouse's side is usually admirable.

It's a shame that your DH doesn't have the balls to stand with you.

You say you love your SD. Will it be awful if you never see her again? Will that hurt you personally?

Hopefully you do not need her in your life. Let her be off in her world with her rude husband. You know he is not always kind to her. That kind never is. That marriage might not last.

But I would put my foot down in a great big stomp about his going to spend Christmas with his ex. I would say that my foot might find his balls in a swift kick but I forgot - he has no balls.

I would say that it is pefectly acceptable for you to say, "Look DH, if you want to see your skids without me that's fine. But it won't be at your ex-wife's house. Period."

^^^^ EXACTLY!!!

I could have written your post almost word for word two years ago. Did you have a decent relationship with them prior to this incident or has this been an ongoing thing? SA has a good point; you may have approached SIL's rudeness differently if you really wanted them to come around again. The thing I realized when my SD and her husband had their 'meltdown' was that this was a long time coming. At that point I had endured over 20 years of verbal and emotional abuse from both of them and could have cared less if they returned to my home. I called them on their rudeness and I've never been sorry for it. My DH was like yours, gutless. He ran out the door rather than get involved at all. I had to handle the situation myself. Luckily I found a therapist who agreed that I did not need the toxicity they brought into my home. I THOUGHT there was some love inside my heart for SD too. Now I am very glad I made the decision to ban them from my home, and I found out it wasn't love I felt for SD at all, just expectations of love. I do not miss their presence in my life, and not do I miss the rudeness and hostility. DH is welcome to visit with them whenever he likes other than holidays, our anniversary and our birthdays. I sincerely hope they stay away forever.

DH and I had a rough go of it for awhile and I was seriously comtemplating divorce. We are still working on it. He has a lot more respect for me since I stood up for myself, and I do too.

I too have been a stepmom for 20 years, been with my husband now close to 24 years, hard to beleive! I do get what you are saying....my SS29 has been full of all kinds of mind games and lies and it has been one episode after the other with him since he was a little tike, the drama king of the family. It never stopped in his adults years, he just got hius GF, and now his wife, to chime in. The last time he shot his mouth off at me was my final dealing with this grown brat having a child tauntrum. I usually am the one he curses but this time he made the mistake of cursing out his dad too. When husband finally felt this brat's rath, it too was enough for him. He was able to forgive eventually which I have not and they do have occasional contact but I took myself out of the picture entirely.

You can still be married and be happy with your husband without the steps as part of the picture.

It's not easy being a stepmom and as much as we give and we try, it never seems to be enough. When I met my husband he had been divorced for 3 years. His family was cautious about him dating, especially someone with children. I never felt that husband's family fully accepted me and my girls and things came out repeatedly to prove that. I finally disenaged from them. Husband accepts that I do not want contact with his family and same is true with his children.

I went thru quite a bit of counseling and what I learned is that I was a target. The pain my steps were dealing with came from their parents' divorce and the lack of involvement with each parent. What they yearned fro was the connection to their bio parents but because that was not fully available to them it was easier to blame their hurts on me. By taking myself out of the picture not only did it relieve me but now husband has to deal with his children. If they still blame me, fine, I have gotten to a point I don't care anymore. My job is done and I know I did the best I could have for them.

Hang in there....don't let the step-creeps make you feel less about yourself.

You know being a stepmom is a long, painful, lonely and suffering road to endure. With all our grand plans to make it work, he just doesn't unless you are one of those extremely lucky one who have skids who for most part are good people. Unfortunately different personalities and past hurts will always play a huge part in how step parents can engaged with the skids. Our perspective is totally different from theirs. Our agenda from day one is to make everyone happy, for the most part that's what moms do be it step mom or bio mom. In most case the steps kids set out to divide and conquer, we are the enemy within always have and always will. It's like we are the kidnapper of their daddy and will do anything to have him return, they will win, I never saw it at first as they did, a competition, they are his children, they are part of him and we are not, we are dispensable, as the years go on I have recognised that for what it is. I am sticking around only for our own bio children's sake as I wish that the skids have no negative influence in their life which would occur if we split up. I have six years to endure, plans in place because I know ultimately I know he is not commited to me but his children. So the next six years DH can engage to his hearts content the time his spends with his skids, because the heartache , the fights , being told you are cold mean and never given those kids are a chance blah blah. So we all need to start living our life for us and make the most of a bad situation because it doesn't get any better, the worst that could happen is DH doesn't speak to you because he is dark on you. Funny you become so accustom to it, you see it for what it is- pathetic. My love and respect has died so by the time the bios are grown you will have grieved and moved on long before you move out.

Your husband needs to read a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy.

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/

This book was a key component of me recognizing and ending my jellyfish ways with my wife, my daughter, my work. My boundaries are clearly stated, and there are non-agressive (note: very different from passive aggressive) but predictable consequences for crossing those boundaries. My daughter is adjusting to those boundaries in regards to how she treats my wife. Right now, she gets exactly the same amount of effort and consideration out of me as she is willing to give my wife. This is of course driving her nuts and she tries to throw things at me to test me. Too bad. She asked specifically, "what are the next steps?" I told her she has to apologize to my wife. She hasn't done it, so I'm not available to her until she does.

ManUp, I wish I had a DH like you!!!

Apologizing. That reminds me of an incident a few years ago with one of my SD. She had fired off an email essentially threatening to withdraw visitation with the grandchildren blah blah blah. My DH and I emailed a response. (took us 12 hours and thoughtfulness and tact but addressing how serious we took her threat to withold grandchildren) My DH was sitting next to me and I heard his bleep on his phone that he had received a text. My DH read the text and said, "SD just apologized for what she said" .
The next day I read what the text really said as he left his phone on the counter. It said "I am sorry Dad, I KNEW your wife would take this all wrong!"
Well, that started a 48 hour argument with the two of us.
FYI, going on year three of not seeing our grandchildren after seeing them numerous times a week and helping with care.