Visit update
Last night wasn't too bad, honestly. I stopped off at the store to pick up a few things because SD brought virtually nothing with her, but she's terminally irresponsible, so that's how it goes with her. I went home, sat down with DH for about 10 minutes before heading to the kitchen to make dinner. SGK2 was asleep- she's not on a schedule so she may nap late in the evening and stay up late, but as long as I'm not the one staying up with her, whatever.
DH, SD and I ate and then sgk woke up and ate...she had the dinner I made and continued snacking.
After I cleaned up the kitchen I did help sgk get her teeth brushed and wash her hands because SD was outside smoking (shocker).
DH helped pick up and put things away and generally tidy up...so good on him! I announced that I needed to get to bed earlier and migrated upstairs and everyone followed. I locked myself away in the bathroom for the next 30 minutes while DH got sgk4mos to sleep. I got into bed and DH let SD know we needed to get to sleep and she retreated downstairs with sgk2 and shoved an iPad and junk food in her face. DH is off work today with them and mentioned taking them to the local mall because there's an indoor play area. Lol, this will be interesting because I'm pretty sure they will also beg to go shopping. DH gave a little talk to SD about "wants vs needs" at dinner last night, so we'll see what transpires today.
I'm trying to just continue doing my usual routine. I don't mind lending a hand when I choose to, but I'm not taking over childcare responsibilities from SD so she can have a vacation when I don't get one.
Excellent - yes do what you
Excellent - yes do what you want and if you are inclined help out. I am taking this SAME approach...not my circus not my monkeys...FLY monkeys, FLY !
Absolutely!!!
I have made up my mind that I'm not obligated to participate in unhealthy, boundary-less relationships beyond my personal comfort level. DH is going to be exhausted, but better him than me.
Funny...SD seems determined to push the expenditure of as much $$$ as possible while she's here. DH took them for a fast food lunch that should have been about $10-12 per adult, but SD order a family sized portion of an item! It was under $50, but for 2 adults and one toddler, it was a lot. It just proves I'm not crazy after all. I can't make this up. DH heavily hinted that we wouldn't be doing the pricy toys that she was hoping for, but did ask if there were things they need and her response was no. I'm not holding my breath because I'm sure she will think of something!
To be clear, I absolutely do not begrudge someone ordering a meal, but it's almost hilarious to see such a large portion ordered for one person just because they want to spend your money and as much of it as possible.
Did she eat it all? With
Did she eat it all? With those eating habits plus chain-smoking, she's in for some health problems if so. Which will also be *not your problem. And btw, with her not working and her husband in jail, where is she getting the money for cigs? I think they are like $10 a pack. Idk. I would try to hold my tongue on the food stuff if it's only for a week, but i fking dare him to try and facetime BM! And he must clean up all the messes and do the babysitting while she takes her smoke breaks or whatever she does!
Also, funny story re SD
Also, funny story re SD trying to squeeze as much $ as possible. I had this boyfriend in college who would constantly poor-mouth and talk about how broke he was. When his birthday came around, i thought i would really, you know, REALLY help him. I made him this giant "care package" with soup, canned goods, razors, shampoo, and other essentials. Really spent a lot to "help" him. He looked like he swallowed a lemon when he opened it. I was being serious and thought he would appreciate the help. I guess he was expecting something more fancy. The point is, if someone is really needy, they will appreciate being given necessities. The fact that SD has money for cigs and is asking for expensive toys makes me think she isn't really that needy. But - if she is that needy, maybe things like diapers and clothes and other necessities is a better use of your money. I would even rather gift someone like her money toward a car than something frivolous.
You're 100% correct
I told DH to bring home the leftovers and they are currently sitting in my fridge! Hopefully to be eaten today!
BM supplies her with cigarettes and completely enabled her. DH isn't saying a word about food because SD has a history of an eating disorder. She's relatively small for the amount of food she eats, so I wonder if she's puking again, but like you said...*not my problem. I don't wish health problems on her, but I can't control her, or help when she's enabled by the people she's usually around.
SD video called BM last night and didn't shove the phone in DH's face and I was happy to see that! Surprised, too, actually.
DH has greatly stepped up this week and has done a lot....much more than he usually does! And I've sat back and watched. I have pitched in with the sgks because I see that as a safety issue and definitely don't want to see one get hurt. But SD is content to sit on her ass as much as possible and I think she's seeing I'm not going to parent for her. I've changed zero diapers, but I have fed the baby and held him while DH eats, after I eat, of course.
DH is really feeling sorry for SD and when he starts on how they have nothing I immediately remind him it's because the parents aren't adulting sufficiently and working to provide for themselves and sgks. He has no comeback because that is the truth.
If SD was working, holding a job, I would feel better about helping her and rewarding her efforts. I believe in helping those who help themselves.
I suspect SD was miffed and surprised when DH didn't take them shopping yesterday! And I'm glad he didn't and I hope she sees the frivolous spending isn't happening like she thought. I'm sure we will go shop for some things the kids need, and I'm fine with that to a reasonable degree.
I locked my bedroom door this morning and also left things is a way that I will be able to tell if she manages to get the door open and decides to go snooping, too.
Irresponsible POS people like you SD learn from pain.
Invoke that pain. Do not shop for her/them. She can feed herself and her spawn. They are family, they are NOT guests. IMHO of course.
Not the same situation, however, in University I would occassionally hit a week between pay checks that I had no food. Pay went for insulin, paying the house payment, utilities, etc.... My boss allowed us to eat at work from whatever he had in the breakroom. There were times when that was all the food we had for the week. A couple of memorable weeks were Pickled Garlic, pickled Jalapenos, and 10 for a $ top ramen that I paid for out of a very sparce change drawer.
It is the duty of responsible adults/parents to give these lessons... even to adult children. If the GSkid is crying, even better. That puts the onus on SD to fix her shit and parent/feed her own child. And clean up after both of them. Under your hairy eyeball and enforced by daddy motivated by your foot on his ass. Figuratively of course.
Yes!!! Feeling the pain
Is absolutely necessary for people like SD! And it will teach them to value and appreciate what they do have! I think just a few days in has also helped DH remember his appreciation for me...but I'm still not taking on this dumpster fire and doing the heavy lifting.
I remember salad days and spending what money I had to pay for necessities like rent and electricity, gas in the car. I learned to love Ramen, lol. SD hasn't suffered yet.
My own DD moved out and was told point blank that if she found herself in over her head, I was not bailing her out. She was warned that she probably wasn't quite ready to launch and working an decent paying job, but not going to college yet or learning a skill that will advance her life and finances. I am not going to be the ATM for adults that don't do enough for themselves.