What A Load of Crap at Christmas!

Forums:

I'm driving on the way to my therapist appointment today and am talking to a friend on my car's bluetooth. I hear a loud beep and it's a text message from YSD (age 22) that reads "Hey is it ok if we come over Thurs instead of Fri? My mom just told me we can go with her to see my Nana after Brandon's (her brother) and it's been a while since i've seen her but I don't want to cancel on yall. I don't care about a Christmas dinner. I just want to be able to spend time with yall. Maybe we can just order pizza or something."

Excuse me! YSD has tried several times to plan Christmas with us and we all finally agreed on Christmas night at 4:30 p.m. when she would be done having Christmas with her Mom and siblings at her brother's house. Now all of a sudden ex-wife #2 gives her the idea to change plans and inconvenience us this late? Please! So I go into therapy all pissy and hurt. The therapist help me text my YSD back so here is what I sent..."How do you think it makes me feel when you make plans with us and then keep changing them?"

The reply I got was this..."I didn't plan on them changing. I didn't know my Mom was going to (town) Friday. Anytime we have plans to go see my Nana, something comes up and we can't go because of money or whatever and now (hubby) has 4 days off and my Mom is offering for us to ride with her and I don't get to see my Nana very often, maybe a couple times a year if that. I didn't think it'd be a big deal if we came over 1 day earlier."

So I wrote back at my therapist's suggestion (now remember I am IN SESSION) "You didn't answer my question. How do you think I feel when you change your mind?"

Then I got "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." to which I told her I appreciated her acknowledging that fact. Then her response was "I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just want to be able to see everyone and it's hard."

So yeah I got on my soapbox and replied..."It's a lot of work trying to make plans in a divorced family. I wish WE were the family who had all you grown children over Christmas Day instead of being thought of last."

So I asked my husband what he wanted to do at this point. We'd already taken one set of his children out to eat and that restaurant bill was $80. My DH started cussing and used the F word. He said it's things like this that come up with his children that make him want to say "F it" and just run away from having to deal with them (children). He then asked me given how YSD has played games for a couple weeks of when she is coming for Christmas if I wanted to "blow her off" and just tell her too bad.

I told him "no" because it's Christmas and I could just see how that would go over (meaning he'd never hear the end of it if the ex-wife got a hair up her butt) but at some point we would address it so I laid down the law for Christmas Eve. I let YSD know via text message cuz she is too much a COWARD to call and deal with her Daddy this..."Your dad says we are not changing our plans to please everyone. There will be no pizza and I'm not cooking dinner. You can come after 4 p.m. Thursday if you would like to visit. If not, we will see you after New Year's Day."

My husband took this entire week off work to de-stress and what are the children doing? Crapping on us both! If they can't pencil us in when it's convenient for them, it's like we're the "bad guys" for saying we made other commitments like we are to just drop everything.

My therapist is blown away that for 2.5 years of marriage this YSD has not changed a bit. Just when we thing she is respective of boundaries she continues to push harder to try to get her way. Now she is ticking her own father off to the point he told me last week he really doesn't want her coming over for a while as it's too upsetting for him. He can't deal with her screaming 1.5 year old child running wild, her and her husband not getting along and feuding in front of me (which I tell him what's said after they leave), the fact that YSD's husband is abusive and we've now learned he smacks his toddler son around through YSS and his girlfriend, etc. It's just TOO MUCH. And yes, we have contacted the authorities and YSD and her family are under investigation for negligence, child malnutrition, inability for child to thrive, etc. through the State.

Needless to say I am not looking forward to Christmas with YSD and her family. One of her siblings is also supposed to come on Christmas Eve but he hasn't confirmed. At least he was polite and said not to expect him but he would call and let us know that evening and my thought of finger foods would be fine given he'd be seeing his mother-in-law/wife's family who lives down on the other side of our street. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb about to explode. My husband truly does not know what to do to make it better for me. It's not like he can murder off his children but he is opening his eyes to how he and I are being mistreated. Is anyone else having a horrible week so far?

I like goforit's idea, just

I like goforit's idea, just schedule something and give out the invite and that's it. Or give a choice of two dates and when they pick one, that's it. The rest of the time you are "busy." Don't let them jerk your chain like that. At least your DH is on board--some DHs would change plans sixteen times if their kids wanted to. At least he has a backbone and recognizes when he's being abused. And, I bet BM decided to go to Nana's once she knew YSD was coming to your place. Anything to keep the power.

I was going to send the

I was going to send the stepbrats invitations to come visit us the Saturday after Christmas and my DH nixed that idea. He said his feelings would be terribly hurt if we invited all 6 to come for finger foods then no one RSVP'd or came. Now judging from the crap we've already faced this holiday, was trying to work around everyone's schedule while inconveniencing ourselves really worth the drama? Nope! Now DH said at bedtime last night he doubts YSD will even show up given she knows she has hurt my feelings and we told them we're not making food. We do have stuff in the freezer to cook but they don't know it and I won't tell them. I will make the call to have food if I see "good" in my opinion behavior. I truly think they are only coming to get the $50 Wal-Mart gift card. I am hoping they will feel uncomfy enough I can still make the candlelight service at church.

Me (41). DH (turns 54 late November). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

I know it was therapist

I know it was therapist approved and all but I think getting all touchy feely wasn't the right way to go. She asked if it would be okay to change plans and gave a valid reason. So I would have answered that. No, I'm sorry we won't be able to accomodate a change in plans or yes, we will be able to change the plans. I think you are very much in your rights to skip the Christmas if they can't make it to the time plan and are under no obligation to re-plan. I remember when I had an 18 month old and he wasn't terrible just an 18 month old and we would go to mil's house and have to watch him like a hawk because if he did anything 18 months old do she would go beserk and be judgemental. I couldn't stand going there. I am not saying you and dh do that but just wanted to let you know that in case it helps in some way.

The point was YSD had asked

The point was YSD had asked us several times to change plans for Christmas 2009 already and the last day, the final date SHE asked for and said SHE WOULD BE COMING, was Christmas Day night at 4:30 p.m. How many times could she have made yet another excuse, for another day, were we to put up with? If it was only the "one" time to go see her grandmother, we wouldn't be so upset but it's like this gal wants to constantly call the shots so the forgiveness just isn't there.

YSD basically told us dates then changed them all based on what her mother's family was doing, her husband's big extended family, his small family with his sisters and their kids, etc. then of course we came last. YSD has had a history of making plans and canceling in our 2.5 years of marriage. It's not like this was a one time isolated event. It's a constant and causing us much grief. In 2010 I get to work with my therapist on going from allowing her into my home once a month to spreading it out only every 2 months. DH is now in agreement with this as he is also sick of being mistreated. YSD lives 5 minutes down the road and expects us to drop everything on a weekend her hubby works or she has no real plans and we're done with her. Her phone is going back on BLOCK and she will eventually see where her choices got her. My DH rarely calls her and blows off her text messages. YSD is very needy and always wants attention and we are having to "let her go" even if it means it becomes an even more "strained" relationship.

Yes, that behavior has to

Yes, that behavior has to stop. She deigns to see you as long as someone else doesn't come up with something 'better.' Why doesn't she say no to them, I'm going to see my dad? You have to cut that off! It would drive anyone crazy. She does it because you accept it.

My husband thinks his kids

My husband thinks his kids hang the moon. Christmas Eve will be her last visit for some time. My therapist said because this grown child is manipulative and playing us she has to be set free and not allowed to come over. Fine by me, I own the house. What I am up against is fighting with my husband because he thinks I am trying to keep him from his damn kids. He is free to leave the house and see them at any time. He just doesn't want to get his car broken into or scratched up because they live in what most people would call "white trash" neighborhoods or apartments. It's a sports performance car that I got for him and I can see he's uptight. My car has dings and dents in it and I tell him to take mine but he won't go for that either and my car is newer than his.

I still think the ex-wife planned this to ruin our holidays else YSD wasn't bright enough to tell her Mom she'd have to miss grandma because she had plans with us. I doubt talking to the ex-wife would do any good because the child has a mental disability and the mind of a 12 year old even though she is 22 years old. YSD wants the Barbie doll style life and she married a man who can't provide for her.

Besides wanting to switch to Christmas Eve, she had the gall to ask me Tuesday morning via text message if she could do 2 loads of laundry while she's over here that night. It's not my problem she has no money and I chewed her out at my DH's instruction. I told her this house is not a laundromat and her Dad said she can go wash her clothes at her grandmother's house 3 hours away since she duped us Christmas Day and we had to rearrange our schedule just to see her. Next year will be different. I told my DH I am going to Tennessee to see my family whether he comes or not. It's just not worth trying to squeeze all these people in my life over the holiday when they want to have us come LAST every time and cancel on us or want us to reschedule if something better comes up.

I bought all this food for Christmas Day thinking we'd use it with DH's kids coming over and none of them will be here. I have a huge turkey that means tons of leftovers for DH and I. I would love to call and cancel Christmas Eve at this point but it would only make DH and me fight more. He's uptight yeah but too wimpy and cowardly to call them out. He would prefer to let this crap continue then risk not seeing his children because he pisses them off. I thought as his wife I should come first but like most of you I am learning I am low on the list if his kids text or ring him and need something. Ugh!

You are here