I like your list. Well done on achieving all this. I have been disengaged from my SDs 8 years, and have come to see the drawbacks, as well as the great advantages, of this approach. Maybe I started off more cynical than you - I always knew that there were people who were never going to like me and I never exerted any effort at all to make them change their minds - the main one under this heading being NPD BM.

I was never a people pleaser, and if my friends repeatedly let me down, they are not my friends any longer. I think it is a hard task to stop being a pleaser, and I applaud you for this, especially for #4. I just don't acknowledge the people I have disengaged from at all - in terms of my interactions with them it is as if they don't exist. I would never do this for frivolous reasons, it is only after a lot of provocation that I have got to this point with certain people.

Great comment, Jenna! And congrats!

I've learned that God has purpose for my stepchild and as such she has intrinsic value and worth. I dont have to see it, but I if I believe and trust God, I need to get over myself and encourage her to become the person God made her to be.
-I've learned that I am much more selfish than I ever thought I was before. In marriage, particularly w/ a stepchild, the rubber really met the road for me in terms of practicing what I preach. Do I show love to the unlovable? Do I forgive 70x7? Do I put God first, others second myself last? Do I pray for those who persecute me (OK, persecute might be a little dramatic, but BM is pretty hateful)? This stepmotherhood thing (and marriage) continues to stretch me further each day and sometimes I SUCK at it and ask God for a do over
-I've learned that I dont have it all together like I used to think I did. I need God's, my husbands and stepdtrs grace everyday.
-That my sin is no worse than BM who cheated on my husband and had an abortion. I have zero basis to think I'm better than her. God had to die for my sins too.
-That none of this is possible w/ faith in God's bigger purpose and a wonderful, supportive husband
-that my main purpose in the home is to be a great wife to my husband-not a mother to my kids or stepkids. Marriage relationship is higher priority than kid relationships.

I've learned a huge amount about family dynamics and female domestic abuse. I've learned too about the way marriage changes over the years and how you do not truly know a spouse for years. Or rather that perhaps you never truly know them, you just have increasing insights into personality and relationship dynamics in general and it all does take years to unfold. I would not miss out on that for the world.
I've also learned to have a look at the beam in my own eye! Gulp! Need to think more about this

This is all great stuff! Thanks for sharing. In our case, DH and I had to learn how to handle bullies. They kept showing up in my life. It was a process of realizing that not every has good intentions and that you don't need to prove anything to people. Also that how people treat you is about THEM but you need to set boundaries.

Stepalong...is that a typo or did you say " that my main purpose in the home is to be a great wife to my husband-not a mother to my kids or stepkids. Marriage relationship is higher priority than kid relationships?"

After disengaging from narcissist SD over a year ago I went to a therapist to make sure what I was doing was right. I related to the therapist that I just keep running into the same kind of people who emotionally abuse me. It was a big surprise to find that the focus of my frustration changed to my Mother who is also a narcissist. On further introspection, I found that I was actually nurturing relationships with narcissists so I could heal all of the emmotional wounds I recieved from my Mother. Another thing, since my Mother was familiar with certain buttons which hurt deep, I was overly sensitive to the comments and inconsiderations of other narcissists, but at the same time I tried too hard to get their approval. Like you, today I am much more free. For my own emotional health I know I must remove myself from toxic individuals as soon as possible, let us go separate ways without any anger. I no longer fall into a state of remorse, wondering if I have done the wrong thing or should try to patch the relationship. The only narcissist I will allow in my life now is my Mother. As for SD, even though I know I can no longer be associated with her, I sincerely hope she has a good life. I will also strive to place her and her actions in the past - it's just going to take time.

*Mistake*

Jennaspace, What is disengagement *with* confrontation?

Thanks for explaining, jennaspace.

I've learned that denial doesn't really help matters when you are continually disrespected. I wish now that I had confronted and disengaged. My marriage wouldn't have lasted as long, but perhaps that would have been okay. And, ditto Saffron5567.

Very well said! I have learned those same lessons. I find it interesting that you too are dealing with a narcisistic person and the boundaries you have placed were out of pain but they were needed to deal with these types. My ex was a "N". The married a man who is a passive aggressive. After 20 years of marriage with him in a step family sitaution I can say that I have had to ask myself why I keep attracting these types. I thought if we tried to do our best by others, were always honest, were accepting ang loving nothing could go wrong. I was terribly naive and like you I learned the hard way, by being hurt repeatedly. Step families are hard enough and then you throw in a passive aggressive husband who thinks he is Mr Calm with all the answers yet he carries thru with nothing and never tkes a leading role with the family. Yet, I was the one blamed for everything and I do mean everything.....it is amazing to see how people can twist and turn things to make them look like they want them so they can place blame some place it doesn't belong.

I do think in all of this, looking at me repeatedly, trying make change for myself that I can see where my own childhood had a huge impression on who I chose as mates and how allowed them to treat me. I could never please my "N" mom yet children keep seeking that love and acceptance anyway they can get it from their parents. In my case, I just carried that need to please and self-sacrificing attitude on into my adult life where my language was picked up on by those that were there ready and willing to take advantage of what I had to give. Stopping all this leads to even more obstacles from those who have been able to treat you this for so long. You have chnaged their game and they want you back the way you were so you can continue to dance a very sick and ugly dance with them. In my case, I have refused and that meant closing the book on several relationships in my life.....my stepsons and my inlaws for one.

Dear Jenna-Space or is it said Jennas-Pace - either way it is applicable. Having our own "space" and learning at your own "pace".

Your list matches mine almost exactly. Learning to be responsible for our OWN business, and staying out of others - even when we see them self-destructing - is one big first step to take. Disengaging helps us to remove ourselves from the chaos, and "Let go and let GOD" work on them. He knows best what they need and when they need it. It will be up to them to ASK US for our input, (in a respectful non-abusive manner) and it they never do, than that is how it is. We can only hope they also see the light somehow, someway. In the meantime, there is no reason to subject ourselves to their abusive actions towards us - and setting healthy firm boundaries helps.

Being a stepparent certainly has a large learing curve, that we can benefit from, but it is also very frustrating!

Congratulations on your new found sense of peace and thank you for sharing. It is encouraging to hear from others who have success stories to tell - that we all can relate to.

I learned to disengage two years ago. I started to get some self esteem, and self confidence back. Self esteem which DH and skids eroded over the first two years we were together (going on 4 now).

I'll be the first to admit, that up until a year ago, if my DH even mentioned their names, I would implode. But, through the past two years of disengagement, our relationship dynamic has gradually changed for the better. I quit fighting him about them. We have become equal partners, and I no longer have to accept being second, or third, or fourth position in DH's list of priorities. I have become his wife, his #1, his equal and his partner. I have gained respect for myself, and in turn I have expectations that he respects me. So now, overall, messages/phone calls/texts don't bother me like they did. (It's not like they've lifted a finger to reciprocate --oh wait, they've texted a few times "thank you").

It DOES suck to be in love with a man, who wants a relationship with someone (his flesh and blood) who truly hates you. But, I have come to realize he has every right to want a relationship with them. My goal is complete apathy, and not automatically imploding on him.

My SD's (20/23) can no longer abuse me. I've pushed my DH to the front of the lines. It's all up to him now to try and establish a relationship with his entitled brats.

With firm boundaries in place (no Skids in my life whatsoever --- not in my home, not on my property, not on my speed dial, not in my brain space). My focus is to live my life and be happy in my marriage without SD's "existing" as much as I can. DH and I certainly have more (fun times/memories/vacations/family time/house improvements) invested (longevity leverage) at this stage of our relationship than I had two years ago. I get more respect because I will no longer settle for anything less. And DH knows it.

---Anyone that is just starting to practice Disengagement, be patient with yourself. It takes time, and you will make mistakes, because you are human, and you 'feel', and you're going to get your feelings hurt by these she-devils. You're going to hurt for your DH because of the way they treat him. Just keep practicing, and over time it DOES get easier once you've got your brain trained and headed in the right direction.

Yeah, retraining the brain can be a real challenge, but worth it.