When does parental responsibility end?

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I have been with my partner for twenty years - a lot of them turbulent years due to his daughters from a previous marriage. They did all they possibly could to come between us and they did a very good job. They wanted nothing to do with me and mine, they never even acknowledged our existence with a card at Christmas or anything. It was always a solitary card "To Dad" that would come in and be displayed in pride of place in our house. My children were also ignored. In later years he has conceded that he would have "rubber stamped anything they did as he was so frightened of losing them". However, even with this hindsight he remains unable or unwilling to set boundaries around the younger one. As well as helping her with a car, paying for her wedding, giving her money towards her first house, and her second house, he still feels a responsibility for her. She took it upon herself to have four children, then got behind with her mortgage. Without my knowledge he took on a loan and paid off her debts, thereby keep a roof over their heads. At the time we were both working full time and trying to save for a house move ourselves. Little did I know I was saving into a pot where the money was running out the other end. When I found out we very nearly split as, not only had he taken the loan out, he had felt guilty towards his second daughter and was giving her hundreds of pounds cash when he visited. All behind my back.

I insisted on a meeting as if he was too spineless to put them in their place, I felt I had to. At the meeting the youngest one screamed in my face "you are pure evil". He did and said nothing. He said afterwards he felt I was holding my own in the argument and did not feel the need to step in. I felt and still feel he should have demonstrated a united front and stood shoulder to shoulder with me.

I will not have the daughters in this house. The relationship he has with them is conducted away from here as they want nothing to do with me nor I with them. However, the youngest one in particular still causes problems. At Christmas over £250 worth of vouchers were bought for her and her children from our joint account. I don't have an issue with the money per se, but he was not allowed to put them through her letterbox, he is not welcome at her house, he was told to leave them at the other daughters house so that she could collect. Not welcome at the house he has helped buy and pay the mortgage on!!! Just where does this girl get off? She's never had any boundaries, she treats us both like shit, yet she sits in her ivory tower with him fawning all over her. He says it is not his daughter's fault, she is coerced by her mother and now her husband to behave in this way. She is 40 years old and has a mind of her own. I feel sadly, I have to concede that nothing will ever change. The above is just a brief precis - only we know the problems she has been allowed to cause to our relationship. We are both retired and should be in the prime of our lives, but still he enables this girl to come between us. I used to think the world of him, but the trust has gone and sadly any respect I had for him is being eroded. Any suggestions will be greatly received.

Wow. You put up with a lot

Wow. You put up with a lot over the 20 years. I can't imagine you would have any trust or respect left for him.

Seems like you've set all the boundaries that you can and are enforcing them, I'm not sure what else you can do if you want to stay with him. Clearly he is incapable of finding his backbone when it comes to his kids.

I genuinely try and see

I genuinely try and see things from all sides to no avail. He has always had a huge sense of responsibility, the eldest of four children whom he helped look after. I get that. He paid for his younger daughter's wedding, but neither me or my two were invited - he went on his own. I think for too long she has been the Alpha Female in his life and the longer it has gone on, the worse it has become. I have never given him the ultimatum but now I have. I do not want this toxic woman in our lives, she is totally unfettered. They haven't spoken since early new year when he tried to put in some boundaries which weren't well received. Now he's not seeing her or the grandchildren as she's pulled the drawbridge up. The silent treatment. He's now weakening and feeling he's going to contact her. I see this as empowering her to carry on. Her only interest in her father is financial. She couldn't care whether he was alive or dead outside of any inheritance she may get. When he tried to set boundaries she said he was not a good grandfather, he doesn't bring bags of sweets as he used to (grandchildren 18, 15 and 12 year olds). Despite sending cards and tokens she pulled him up for not ringing them on their birthdays - should they not be calling their grandad to say thank you for the gift?? Its all about her and hers. She never looks at the bigger picture. When he reminds her of things she's done, she can't remember, or she can't change it as its already gone. She has such an inflated sense of entitlement it is unbelievable.

This isn't about his "sense

This isn't about his "sense of responsibility", it's about FEAR. And only fear. He fears losing his kids and he will debase and degrade himself to keep them in his life. This is clearly a very powerful psychological need for him, and without therapy, he is unlikely to be able to break this pattern. He will just blame you for interfering in his relationship with his daughter.

Let him see her - with protections on your money.

Thank you. I can see that.

Thank you. I can see that. You are right, he does blame me for interfering. I do not see his daughters and haven't done for years. He is the common denominator that allows their despicable behaviour to continue. They gang up on him, if one daughter can't make it, the other cancels leaving him upset. They pass over re-gifted shit things for me at Christmas - such an insult, I'd rather have nothing and I've told him to tell them that. But they manipulate and put on their goody two shoes act handing over gifts and he buys into it thinking they've changed. Once the gifts are open and they have sent tat we end up arguing again. Its all done to ensure they have their nose in the trough and don't miss out on anything coming their way. I'd love nothing more than to wrap them a shit present to show them how it feels, but of course, he would never allow this to happen. They even have the audacity to ask for money as the gifts we buy obviously don't come up to scratch. I tell him we are not a tap tap and do not just dole out money so we buy them tokens instead. So you see, although I have disenaged, he re engages me. I really don't think it's right that she won't even allow him to walk up her path and post hundreds of pounds of tokens through her letterbox. He has to do as he's told and take them elsewhere for her to collect. It is just RUDE, ignorant and indulging. Finances are why I will not marry him. He left his wife (not for me) and gave her the whole of the house, everything in it and £1,000 a month for three years despite the two girls being adults. I have my own house which I insist is for my children. That is rented out now and we have a house between us. I will never marry him - not because I didn't love him - but because his girls will never get a single penny of my children's inheritance, never ever. I will make sure of that, even if I leave some to charity. The youngest SD is SO jealous of anything my birth daughter gets - yes she gets nice gifts and a wonderful life but she works full time and hasn't got four kids, in fact she has no children!!!! The youngest SD has had more spent on her than the other three chlidren put together and that is not right. She gets the lions share as she has four kids who we buy for too. She even used to phone up and try and manipulate my partner to buy shoes for her children to go back to school in. She admitted to alluding to the fact that they needed shoes and they had to have leather shoes and she had no money - she'd never ask outright, she just plants the seed. Grrr... When we had the meeting I told her if she wants money, to get off her arse and go and work for it like the rest of us do! Still he sees no wrong, never has done and never will do.

Thank god you aren't married!

Thank god you aren't married! You really need to take a hard line with him and refuse to have anything more to do with them, PERIOD. He can do as he likes as long as he contributes appropriately to your household bills. You will clearly have to fund yourself for retirement (I know you are in the UK so I don't really know what the safety net is like for you in terms of old age).

He can frame it as a "big sense of responsibility" so he feels more noble, but in reality he is a coward who allows his children to abuse him and he's not likely to stop. You have to protect yourself and keep firm boundaries.

Eloquently put. I don't want

Eloquently put. I don't want to live a parallel life with someone I distrust and disrespect. I'd rather be out of it I think.

I'm glad to hear you say that

I'm glad to hear you say that. I know it's hard to give up on 20 years when you are facing retirement, but I can't imagine any of this will get better as you get older.

Putting up with everything

I have been in your shoes as well. My DH dotes on his youngest daughter and I fear that there is an unhealthy codependency.. Inam totally left out and made out to be the bad guy... You have to stay strong and watch out for yourself and be ready to defend yourself when she talks about you behind your back... so sad that these dads are so needy themselves that they become huge enablers!

You can't change this.

Especially after twenty years. I'm at the 15 year mark and I already learned to disengage from SD.

I echo Tog's advice to protect your money. You MUST MUST MUST make sure that your finances/income/assets are protected and that you can easily re-establish yourself if your partner gets incapacitated or dies before you. Do NOT have any joint accounts with him and be sure to see an attorney ON YOUR OWN for how to protect yourself.

Likewise, you need to have a plan in place for YOURSELF if you get incapacitated. You must face facts that your skids will quickly step in and tell their father to dump you at the nearest facility, so they can be rid of you once and for all.

Don't waste any more time or emotional energy on this sucking sinkhole which is your stepkids. Learn to disengage - don't make any big announcements, just don't get involved with your partner's kids anymore - and that includes discussing them. Learn to walk out of the room, change the subject, whatever.

These are the kinds of posts that really concern me. Once we get past a certain age, it is a matter of survival to extricate ourselves from dysfunctional stepkids - for our financial, emotional, and physical health.

Go over to the Disengaging forum and see how you can start practicing it in earnest.

^^^THIS^^^

1,000 percent.

Welcome to the site!

Your DH has made himself into a doormat and SD is walking all over him, not surprisingly. Telling him he is not welcome at her house but ordering him to drop off tokens elsewhere? And he puts up with this? What kind of man does this? Not one that I would ever respect or want for a partner. He is just enabling her to carry on abusing him, and the obnoxious freeloader that she is, she will stop at nothing to ensure the gravy train continues.

Thank you Kes. Sometimes I

Thank you Kes. Sometimes I think I am going mad, totally bonkers. It's so difficult. During a five year period of our 20 years together he had no contact with them. It was the best five years we ever had, we did lots, had an absolute ball. Then one NYE he decided to get in touch with them again and bingo! they're back with no recourse to me or our relationship whatsoever. Its just like put up or shut up.

I really wonder about

I really wonder about retirement. Does he think you are going to fund his retirement? I hope you set him straight. Are the skids going to take care of him when he's broke? These are serious things that will affect you both if you don't have this conversation. How hard is it to untangle from this mess?

I don't know what I would do if Dh betrayed me finacially that my retirement was compromised for an ungrateful skid..

No, I don't think he thinks

No, I don't think he thinks that to be honest, well I would like to think not anyway.. He has his pensions coming in, I have the income from the rent from my house. He sees his girls once every six weeks or so....he is told to come say, Monday at 5pm and he has to be gone by 7pm when grandaughter goes to guides. He is 12 years older than me, and I can tell you for sure, they will be nowhere to be seen if and when he needs caring for.

It is very hard to untangle, we have a house together that we both financed but my father's inheritance has enhanced it to a substantial extent. He wants to come out of it clean with an unmortgaged house for hiself, then he can live on his pensions with no problem. He keeps making the point that I have money in my previous house. BUT, he gave away all his accrued estate when he divorced, so why should I finance his house out of what was mine before I met him? So yes, it is extremely complicated. He always said he wouldn't take me for my house but he sells it to me as wanting a larger share of our shared house, which is effectively wanting my previous house if you see what I mean. He just wanted to ensure his girls inherited everything he accrued in his marriage hook line and sinker which I can understand and support - therefore he gave it all to his ex wife. But I want to do the same thing for my children and it seems a sticking point!

His eldest daughter has already told him in confidence that the younger one is freeloading around the rest of the family - no surprise there. But he "can't believe it" - no, more like he doesn't want to or it would support my argument.

I'm not afraid of hard work. If I have to go and clean, care for people, whatever I will do it. I'm a grafter and always have been. I have a mother who is 91 and in poor health. I will inherit from her and feel this will be taken into any separation settlement when that is unfair. His mother lives in a council house and has lived on benefits all her life. My Mum and Dad worked all their lives. I seem to be screwed every which way.

Never mingle any money. You

Never mingle any money. You are tangled for sure. What ever you inherit from your mother you need to keep separate and invest it into an account for YOUR retirement only. He is looking for you to save him from his stupid choices years ago. If he gave everything to BM, then let HER leave it to the skids. Twenty years is a long time to have recovered from a divorce, but why should he focus on his future when he has you to fill in the gaps.

You've been used and abuse from my view point. Stop it now and get with a lawyer to see how much you stand to lose if you leave him now. Knowledge is power and leverage. I bet if you know how this untangling would play out, you could have better more realistic conversations about the financial future.

You (just you) need to see a

You (just you) need to see a financial advisor and a solicitor ASAP to learn how to untangle your comingled assets and protect yourself from your partner's poor financial decisions. Take care of yourself first, and get your affairs in order before your mother passes. Your goal needs to be separate finances that hold him fully accountable for his share of expenses, and a will that protects your bios' interests.

In a sense, your SO stole a sum of money from you and gave it to someone else. He committed deceit and financial infidelity, and I'd insist on a repayment plan. At a minimum, papers should be drawn up to deduct an amount equal to half of the loan from any equity he has in your joint home.

Most men just want to be comfortable, and your SO isn't likely to change unless/until he is shocked into it or has no other options. His is a world of delusions and revisionist history, but you don't have to entertain it. Stop subsidizing him. Stop enabling him to avoid accountability. Instead, make him financially UNcomfortable. Remove all luxuries. Cancel things like cable tv, internet, subscriptions, etc. No takeaway, restaurant meals, or getaways. Create a culture of poverty in your home. Only serve him cheap, repetitive meals and eliminate the creature comforts he enjoys the most. Make him FEEL and LIVE the consequences of his foolishness and dishonesty. Find his currency, and hit him hard.

We've had other members in situations like yours, and two came up with novel ways to handle the financial infidelity. One started withdrawing an equal sum each time her H took money from their savings to buy his evil princess' "love"; her H was shocked at how quickly their account was shrinking. The other has imposed a "stupidity tax" on her H who kept giving money to his criminal druggie daughter. If he weakens and opens his wallet, he has to give his wife 3 times the amount from his private account. Food for thought.

Sd insisted he leave tokens

Sd insisted he leave tokens at her sisters house rather than through the letterbox AND he complied?! My god what a wuss! What did he think would happen if he just put them through the door? She would run him through with a pitch fork? *lol* Pleease!

see a solicitor asap. You are unmarried and its possible you can draw up a contract taking into consideration the additional investment you made. As for the money he took without informing you, was it from joint account? Not sure but think as its a joint acc there is not much you can do, but check. You dont have to tell him what you are doing either.

have to add that why in the world do you still have a joint acc?!

The loan without my

The loan without my consultation would be the absolute end for me. I would be liable for it if he died and I would not have even known about it. Nope.

Agreed. That's too severe of

Agreed. That's too severe of a breach of trust to overcome. I would divorce him and try to recoup what he had spent of my money.

Not being married may be a plus!

Be sure to check with an attorney ASAP and start getting your business in order. Do not tell your partner you are doing this.

You should be looking out for yourself, your family/mom and anyone else you care about. Make sure they are protected and are going to get whatever assets you want them to have.

Remember that anything you leave your partner he can easily pass along to his kids. Set up your estate so that won't happen; if you want, you can provide him with X amount until he dies and then it would stop with the rest to others, charity, etc.

Yes, part of my will leaves a

Yes, part of my will leaves a significant amount money for DH, but he has agreed that in his will that amount I left him goes to my DD's before the estate gets split. Similarly, he has invested his parents inheritance money in our shared assets which I keep, but when I go, the SD's get that before the estate is spilt. My gift to him well exceeds his to me, so offering to add his families inheritance to my will was a way to make sure the SD's get not one penny of my money, although acknowledging that they do get half of the remainder of our joint estate.

Guilt and fear are great motivators for deception

Time to find a lawyer and get out. You have no reason to stay with someone who is deceptive, no matter the reason. He has shown himself to be easily manipulated and guilted by the kids, who else will manipulate him? He needs major counseling, but my concern is not to drag yourself through this maddness any more. He may never understand or change his methods, staying is not worth the toll on you and your children. The stress in your house must be enormous. You deserve peace and honesty and respect, he has shown none of these things, can't give what he does not have. You can't fix him and his.

I was given a lightbulb moment

I am only just establishing the answer to your question aged 56 - and only since I took myself to A&E late Sunday night when I felt I just could not go on any longer. An assessment with Psych Liaison highlighted my relationship with my narcissistic mother has been the blueprint for me to stay in this abusive relationship. Being abused in a relationship is all I know.

Living with such an emptiness in my life, throughout my life, and not quite knowing what "normal" relationships are about, I rely on my misaligned sense of self. Feelings of worthlesness, very low self esteem and a desperation to please and "get it right" have kept me here. I have an enormous amount of unravelling to do and presently can't find the end of the ball of string to begin. But at least I now have awareness which is the first step.

I was given a lightbulb moment

Therapy and Financial/legal consult

It all starts with a first step in the right direction.

Keep posting and reading, sign up for some therapy (sounds like you already might have done this?) and definitely get some legal counsel as regards your shared property and assets. Get your ducks in a row.

As to staying - you are NEVER too old to start fresh and new! Im 51, and it actually sounds great! Hes not going to change. The SD's have a their gravy train and they will do whatever it takes to keep it. He is happy to do their bidding because he has been "trained" like a dog to accept their pets after handing over cash.

DH and I have all separate finances, but have purchased a house together. Im thinking post nup agreement for myself and life insurance on him. And power of attorney.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Responsibility ends when the

Responsibility ends when the parent chooses for it to end. For sure, it ends when a kid who is 18+/- represents a crappy investment of time or money. Never should anyone allow an adult relative to jeopardize their financial or quality of life security.

Even earlier if it is a particularly egregious situation. A close friend of mine took court action to forcibly emancipate his 16/17yo daughter due to her repeated flaunting of his family behavioral expectations and those of her school.

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When does parental responsibility end?