why a gift now, after disengagement
Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but one of the steps got me a small gift this year to the Christmas they knew I probably wasn't going to be at. She may feel bad because I've been disengaged this entire year. The irony is, she was the one who spoke hatefully about me last year when I didn't show because I was sick. Now, I purposefully don't show and for the first time ever there is a gift?
Year after year I have bought her and her kids gifts for Christmas and Birthdays, and year after year I got no thank you's. My birthday is completely ignored (even on FB, and she's a FB junkie). Every year at Christmas I would sit in a circle (each person open a present) and get passed over as they bought only my DH a gift.
I think there's been 12 or so events (my bday, Christmas) where I haven't gotten a gift and now that I'm not showing (everyone knows it's mainly because of her), I get a gift (albeit very small). I bent over backwards doing nice things for years and I got treated terribly. Now I disengage and I'm respected? What gives?
Maybe she wants to look like a nice person? I just don't get why some have an inverse relationship with respect and nice. The nicer you are the ruder they are. And also ruder you are the more respectful they are. Any hypothesis as to why she would do this?
Jennaspace I hope you treat
Jennaspace I hope you treat her as she treated you. No thank you for the gift. Humilating you by sitting a circle and giving gifts to everyone including DH, well everyone except you is disgusting. They honestly have no shame do they.
I'm not planning contacting
I'm not planning contacting her, mainly because I don't want to reengage. She has recently done some of the same mean stuff on FB. For years she would't even say "happy birthday". I'm not trying to be punitive but it actually gets me mad. It's so strange to get something from her that I can only think "wow, this is what it's like, it's actually possible for them to do something?" It's not that hard.
I'm about to move away, they know that. This was the last Christmas ever together I'm guessing (no exaggeration). I don't want to leave a door open to communicate as she has been so consistently toxic (despite these occasional hiccups).
The same thing has happened
The same thing has happened to me this year, always been ignored at xmas & birthdays or put up with tantrums from them, so this year I ignored everything & low and behold they show up on doorstep when husbands out and shove gifts into my hand and then run off. Dh gifts and weird chocolate flavours for me.
(I was later in trouble from dh for not inviting them :jawdrop: in but last time they were here doors were slammed and hysterics had by sd 21 and snide remarks by ss 18 so no i didnt fancy them by myself!)
I agree with other poster about trying to make us look/feel bad. They realise everything has stopped from us & are now been all fake nice (but with all the passive agressive when dh around, to downright agressive when no one is around to see).
I will never trust & probably not like my husbands kids as they have done way too much & continue to.
I have nipped to the garage & got 2 cheap bags of chocolates }:) but havent decided if i can give it to them when they come around later. They used to get good quality now its not.
So anxious right now and just want today to be over.
Doesn't this small gesture
Doesn't this small gesture make you realize how much they didn't do before? Like really, was it that hard to add in something to not make you feel so excluded? Unfortunately, by the time we finally get a gift, we don't care anyway.
Ideally, this will be a small step in the right direction for some SMs. Since I am moving and communication might lead to discussions of me flying back to visit or them visiting us, I have no desire to re engage. I'm comfortable with leaving my DH to communicate with his children.
Sadly, not overdoing it (great chocolate) will probably make them more respectful. Overdoing it has been the cause of resentment for a lot of us.
It's interesting to note that
It's interesting to note that this is a common reaction. Perhaps it's just human nature to treat someone better after they disengage. We are giving the message that their behavior is no longer tolerated. This may be more of an impetus for change than anything else we could have done.
Unfortunately, by the time DHs family makes slight changes, we are long gone emotionally.
I think SMs are unknowingly place in a highly charged, highly marginalized position to begin with. By the time we untangle ourselves from all the repercussions, we no longer have any of the aspirations we had in the beginning (one big happy family). Small gestures in light of all that happened, seem almost meaningless.
It would take a long time before I ever trusted some of DHs family back into my inner circle that they got a free pass into initially due to my marriage and naivete.
Putting her position in writing, may very well have been an impetus that made SD rethink her attitude. One simply cannot argue well the position that they alone are entitled to gifts while others (older and younger) are not. It's good she put that on paper and aired it out. My guess is that it might have made them all realize, at least a little, how unfair they've been toward you. It's one thing to verbally spin things so that she looked good, it's quite another to justify her point when her pettiness and sense of entitlement is clearly documented. My guess is that it may have caused her at least some sense of self awareness.
Your DHs family is really extreme. It sounds like even when they are on good terms, they are very difficult to be around. Hopefully, they will mature through the years. I can't imagine what motivation you would have to be around them.
I agree the small gestures now don't mean a whole lot. I really don't hate them or anything, I'm just looking forward to not dealing with their scapegoating or drama ever again. It would take a lot for me to want to re enter into a relationship with them after all that. What for? Not my DH, he doesn't want me to reconnect because there was too much drama.
I will encourage my husband to stay in touch. As for me, I'm much happier this way.
I have 2 SS who never so much
I have 2 SS who never so much as even acknowledge me on ANY holiday, or birthday. But heaven forbid if they forget DH. They never forget his birthday or any holiday for him. Even if its just a phone call or text... but me NOTHING! I guess I'm used to it by now, but it still hurts.
My kids even get him stuff for his b'day and Christmas..... but not me ( I cant figure that one out.) But. whatever.
I'm sorry he's treated you
I'm sorry he's treated you this way! It's so hurtful and unnecessary. I think your DH should talk to them about this. My DH made it so that we pulled names for Christmas so I wasn't embarrassed year after year.
I hope things get better for you!
I wish they would have a TV show like this. It would help a lot of SMs see the potential pitfulls.
It's true. I've never gotten
It's true. I've never gotten why some people do this. Human nature I suppose.
It's not. What is even more
It's not. What is even more perplexing is DH's ability to turn a blind eye to the negative but put a magnifying glass on any perceived positive (gift). It' so invalidating. Oftentimes, it's the DHs that perpetuate this behavior more than anyone by minimizing mistreatment of their wives.
Exactly Jennaspace.
Exactly Jennaspace.
This all is vaguely familiar.
This all is vaguely familiar. When I am with my little boy I tend to get overly excited when he does something right he has a hard time with ("gooooood boy, you picked up your toys without asking"). I'm not near so demonstrative when he doesn't pick them up as this is kind of what I expect. mmmm... any parallels?
I suspect men really don't
I suspect men really don't recognize that RA feels this way to us. Wish they did.
LOL!!
LOL!!
Add me to the list of SMs who
Add me to the list of SMs who have received a "gift" this year. I disengaged last year when my SS 17 didn't thank my parents or I for the presents we gave him and then once he opened our presents to him, he wanted to go home. I saw him once in the last year. Although, I did greet him, I was not the bend-over-backwards-gracious host.
Not only did I disengage from his kids, but also MIL, who has turned a blind eye to the mistreatment and disrespect of DH's older daughters toward him. I have not seen her since Feb.
So, not only did I not purchase presents for SKIDS, but also ILs and SGKIDS. I did give DH the heads-up that he would be responsible this year. Much like others, he thought I was going to swoop in and save the day. Christmas Day came and he had nothing to give any of them when he went to MILs house, where, likely, the SKIDS were waiting for their bounty of presents. I have not asked, nor am I interested in knowing what their response was.
My DH came home with a tin of cookies that his daughter (17) made for us. This is the same girl who refuses to acknowledge that I exist. He came home, with the broadest grin on his face, because the tag on this tin of cookies had my name on it. As he sat, happily munching on a cookie, all I kept thinking is that they were made in troll BM's kitchen and what she probably did to them.
My own mother was thrilled that this showed that she was finally acknowledging my existence. Tiny, insignificant tokens are completely meaningless to me. I admitted to her that I would never eat anything that came out of BM's kitchen and she thought I was being ridiculous.
Anyway, per DH and my mother, this gift was the equivalent of moving mountains and there is apparently, something wrong with me... ***yawn*** ok.
My mom, bless her heart, is
My mom, bless her heart, is such a sweet empathetic head-in-the-clouds soul. I have asked her to please step in my shoes, for once, instead of their's. I, no longer, am pleased with the scraps. Too late.
When I arrived home two years
When I arrived home two years ago, just before her meltdown, SD, her husband and DH were all in the kitchen busily making cookies for all of their friends. They had not asked me if they could cook in my kitchen (I owned the house). I was invisible. No "Hello", nothing. I rated one cookie which I refused to eat because of an earlier experience of SD's Hubby spitting in my tea. There was absolutely no way I was going to eat that cookie. But DH did and it made me smile knowing that HE really didn't know what was in that cookie either. LOL
^^^^^ EXACTLY!! ^^^^^^ I told
^^^^^ EXACTLY!! ^^^^^^
I told my DD14 not to eat them, just as she was reaching into the tin of cookies. She looked at me oddly. I just shrugged and said hat I wouldn't doubt if SD17 and/or troll's DNA is on the outside of every cookie..... Merry Christmas... No thank you.
I , nor my husband have been
I , nor my husband have been treated better after disengaging. They are more pissed that no one is kissing their asses. They have sent some pretty ugly letters just reinforcing the reason to disengage in the first place. Sad sad sad situation. The ultimate was the hate letters after his cancer surgery.
I guess this is another
I guess this is another pattern.. disengage, get a small (mine was free but thoughtful) gift, SM is already gone. Hopefully some new SM will read this and disengage from the beginning. If they can start off having DH do all the shopping and get small gifts they would be doing well. I doubt that would happen, but maybe somewhere.
Towanda, unbelievable. Hope the letters can be used as a reminder to you and DH as to why you disengaged.
I'm getting the same vibe
I'm getting the same vibe (intrigued), at least there is more respect anyway. It doesn't matter anymore. Since they are pretty much in the same camp as any relative stranger who treated me terribly. I have no desire to reenter a relationship despite minimal efforts on their parts.
"If I go one way, they simply
"If I go one way, they simply want to do the opposite. To me, it's still about the game." I think you hit the nail on the head. I appreciate the gesture but really? How can I figure this is a gift without ulterior motives. She had years to get me a gift out of the decency of her heart. Yr after yr she snubbed me, even when I bought her many gifts. Now, I'm disengaging and she does the opposite? Sure seems like my disengaging was the impetus to get me a gift, not the desire to give for givings sake.
"No thanks, keep your
"No thanks, keep your apologies, keep your token extrodinary effort gifts, you win, you didn't want me in your life, I don't want to be in yours, game over, the rest of the family can hobble along having whatever relationship they are willing to work on. Too much effort for me.".
This sums it up for me!