Dad is only thinking of his own convenience. Keep his princess happy; keep his bed warm.  She has disagreements with her sister, but I guess any problems with you are not important.

Any particular reason why the SD22 is not self-supporting, getting her own place with friends if necessary?

I would not start a marriage with an adult child under my roof under any circumstances. Mine or his.  Especially from a child who has admitted to not being accepting of you.

Don't expect these skids to acknowledge anything you post on Fakebook. That is the tool they feel they can best use to put you in your place when they don't want to be directly confrontational.

You already know how it is with her. IMO this would be a big mistake. Imagine 24/7 cold shoulder, and your honeymoon would be over before it begins.  Did she really apologize to daddy for not being more accepting of you? Or is your FDH trying to soften you on letting this adult SD move in ? Besides if this was the case she should be saying this to you!  Dont fall for this BS. You will be living a nightmare!

So many thoughts come to mind...

You are exactly right - silence shouts in your face. Don't let him or anyone change how you're reading her very telling message to you. He's trying to invalidate your read on her behavior toward you even though most OBJECTIVE people would read it the exact same way. These are signs. Don't ignore the signs. He is ignoring the signs, but he won't be the one with the target on his back.

I went through this. Being nice to your face is nothing, especially if her father is there and she has no choice but to be nice. And that apology for not treating you better...yea, think about that. Why isn't she apologizing to YOU for treating you bad? Wouldn't that make a lot more sense? That apology is an act for her father - she doesn't want him to know how she really feels about you. She is not sorry at all, but she can't let her father know that. The really smart ones are smiling at their daddies while they're sticking the knife in SM's back. A normal parent would see the knife, but not these dads because they are totally beholden to their daughters.

This type of SD is more dangerous to a marriage than the SD who punches her SM in the face. This type of SD is so subtle, and yet so very divisive, a marriage could be in trouble before the SM even realizes it's the SD causing all the trouble.

Now pair that miserable SD with a father who is guilty, conflict avoidant, and indulgent and you've got a nightmare marriage.

I can't caution you enough about this situation. Do not do it - especially because you're dragging an 11-year-old into this mess with you.

But you probably will anyway, in which case, I'll add this. An engagement is when you negotiate the terms of marriage you can both live with. SD is already in his house, so you're negotiating from a weak position (she has pee'd all over that territory before you even got there). Here's how I would negotiate it with your fiance: "She is already 22 and has been shacking up, paying her bills, living on her own. She's moving IN at an age when she should be moving OUT. If she needs to move back home to get back on her feet, fine, but we need to all agree on an exit date."

Tell him nicely, but firmly, that you don't know SD well enough to commit now to living with her and you didn't envision living with an adult woman, so if she's there to recharge and get herself together, fine, but if he plans to let her stay indefinitely, you'd better decline getting engaged right now.

If he's willing to limit her stay, get him to agree that she must be out by a specified date or specified amount of time (within a year, for example). He can let SD know that now so she knows what she needs to do to move on. If she asks why she can't stay as long as she wants, he can tell her "I just don't want my adult child stalled because I made it too easy for you. I want you out there enjoying an exciting independent life because that's what 22-year-olds do. The best things in life take effort."

If your fiance refuses to consider limiting how long SD may stay, that will tell you a lot. Let this be a good test for how he will behave on other major issues regarding SD. You need to work this stuff out BEFORE you get married. Oh, and him saying you should be fine with it is not working it out. It's him invalidating (again) how you really feel and telling you how he wants you to feel. Frankly, I find that pretty frightening too.

Is this the same man you were having trouble with last year?    You posted 8/30/17 - "you're right. I need to cut it off for good. I don't see anything changing. it is my bday today and all he's done is argue with me about the situation last night. ugh of course saying it's my fault for everything and now he doesn't even know if he's taking me out tonight because of me always breaking plans and acting the way I do. SHEESH! maybe I should give myself a bday gift of freedom."  On another post you wrote that your 11 year old son did not get along with him.  You also wrote that you were treated badly at SD's wedding and BF did not have your back.

I read your previous blogs and am seriously asking myself why? why in hell do you want to marry this control freak? He doesn't treat you like an equal partner - he sounds selfish and a loser/user.

C'mon woman! Wake up and love yourself more - remember - you are teaching your child how you allow yourself to be treated and this is NOT a good example!

He also makes decisions, doesn't give a damn about how you feel when it comes to his daughter.

When you wrote on your previous blog that you were treated badly by SD and how he always breaks plans - then you mentioned you wanted to give yourself freedom on your birthday - why are you changing your mind? You can't possibly be that desperate for a man - surely?

If nothing else - think of your 11 yr old. Show him that you value yourself more and lift your standards.

I would break it off with this wank and run to freedom with my child.

I wouldn't marry this man, at all.

I think of the bible story of Jacob. He had two wives. Rachel and Leah. He loved Rachel.

So my question is: Do you want to be Leah?

Your priority is to provide your son with a stable, secure, loving home. So do that.

If it is - I definately wouldn't.  I moved into my partners family home many years ago and it was absolute nightmare.  The sd will always have the upper hand as my ss did and when things didn't go his way he would complain about 'feeling like a stranger in my own home'.  My attitude was - your own home at age 18+ is the home you create for yourself (couldn't say this however).  Totally different now - the family home is sold and partner and I bought home together - ss is now comes over as a guest as he has made a home of his own.  I could reallty have done with missing out on the years of grief living in a place that was not my home.

i would never move into the family home - it will never feel like yours. Start looking for a home together. One wthout SD.

Sacrificial you nailed this. Your comment not only speaks to the OP but all women who are caught in this dysfunctional triangle. Your wise comment  "you are not the substandard less- than female who needs her approval to be with her father" says it all,  I am going to memorize this.

let your SO payed part of her rent on a apartment just to get out of there.  

No you can NOT live with her in your home.  She is telling you that she is the boss, you have to kiss her a** 

and then maybe   We’ll maybe not 

To answer your question.

NO I would not. 

soccermom830.... I think he knows he has choices to make.  It's either he makes his future wife happy or his daughter happy.  And remember, blood is thicker than water. 

Did she only decide to move in with her father after the two of you became engaged? If so, she is trying to sabotage and/or compete with you to see who dad would choose - you or her. 

If I were you, I would seriously reconsider getting married. Your SO has already chosen his daughter, so don't let the rose-colored glasses of being engaged blind you. 

If you have an ounce of self respect you will GHOST this ahole and not look back. 

But you are marrying the source of it.

So, be very, very wary.

Sensitive? LOL!  More like "daddy expects me to be nice to SM; how dare he correct me???"

My OSD also started crying when DH finally discussed with her the stuff she had done. These skids think that their dad will side with them while they stick the knives in our backs.  And we know from this site that a lot do.  Their fathers may not have allowed skids to treat anyone else with disrespect, but the Evil SM? Dad should step aside and let them have their fun.

My OSD has punished her dad for the last two years because he finally spoke up about her behavior. Recently he contacted her and said he felt she was pushing him out of her and grandkids lives. She said he created a toxic environment because he defended his wife and corrected her. When he said she had done things to hurt me, she said "but I am your daughter!"

You just can't reason with that mindset, the assumption that I am free game to be hurt because I exist and how dare her dad have expectations for the behavior of a 40 year old!  And this was because she had been coddled her entire life and treated like a princess.  I am glad your SO finally said something to his DD. I'd expect her to start punishing him now. It will be interesting to see if he chases her or if he gets mad that she does not listen to him or care about his happiness.  If he chases her, look out, you will be Sacrificial Lamb II. Mine chased until he got sick of it. Realized his precious daughter did not care if he was happy or not, and I put my foot down that I would no longer be sacrificed to make an adult baby happy.  

I am in a similar situation, I have been with my girlfriend about 8 years now, maybe 5 years ago she asked me to move in with her then around 21 year old son, I basically said no I'm not doing it. He wasn't friendly at the time and still isn't, has it had an impact... Yes.  After an ongoing one way conversation I eventually given up with him being ignorant and now do the same and avoid being near him whenever possible  I haven't seen him or heard anything about him for such a long time now. 

Will I make each commitment to her, not likely given the situation, which is a real shame, had I met her years back things would have been quite different now.

But I know it's never going to get better so how we operate  she has her place and I have mine, it's been like this 8 years now.

Seek simplicity, don't bring unwanted stresses into your life, what's the point it won't get any better. 

"i do see a counselor - and she told me not to let kids from another woman destroy OUR relationship."

But it's not the kids who is destroying the relationship, it is your SO. He is allowing the behavior and the disrespect. And HE is disrespecting you, as well.

I am so very sorry you lost your mom.

Maybe out of grief, it will give you strength to run for the hills from this guy. A man who truly loves you would accept nothing less than expecting his gf, fiancé or wife be treated with respect. If members of his family are obviously treating you in a hateful manner, it should be addressed by him to these people, including his daughter.

If it were me, I would never move in with him. He has a mini-wife already. My adult skids used the same crying manipulative trick with DH when DH tried to discuss their nasty behavior towards me and our relationship. It didn't work and DH saw right through it - at least he says he did.

There are good guys out there. He is not the only one. Focus on taking care of you and your family. 

Take care

Oh the crying adult skid who doesn't see their parent as much because *gasp* he dares have an intimate adult relationship. How dare this man not coddle and helicopter over SD every waking moment, and the nerve of you not worshipping the ground she walks on and not accepting her punishments with gratitude.  

Oh hun, I went through similar with ss32. He wanted to have a pow wow with me him and daddy to air our grievience and set things straight. I knew if I complied with this request it would be poor widdle ss32 and protective dh against mean evil SM trying to take this grown man from his father, really I just wanted to pry the homeless stoned loser from our couch.  I declined any such meeting where I would be a target and gave DH an ultimatium. Told DH that I married him not his son and either ss32 or I had to go.  I was willing to walk after 2 years of WTF on and off crappy dynamics w/him and his son. 

The clincher was my father passing and me realizing how short life was. Did I really want to spend the rest of my life kow towing and tip toeing around these two enmeshed grown men? During that time I went to counseling to help sort out the drama going on on the paternal side of my family and also my marriage. The counselor rocked and told me that my sanity and safety has to come first in regards to the situation w/ss32.  

Life is too short to be treated like this. I'm sorry you're going through the loss of your mother and SO returning your ring. Please honor yourself, you are worth more than this.  

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry about your mom.

This is not the man for you. When somebody loves you, truly loves you, you feel it.

You have a lot of red flags. I will be honest and just from my feeling reading your situation I would have to say no. I have read enough situations on here and it is clear that step children are difficult to live with. I had one for three years and he was kind, but very lazy. I cleaned up after him daily. It was a headache. My DH did everything for him. A few times it was hard on our relationship. I even left twice for a week because it became to much. FINALLY after 3 years he moved out. 

So sorry about your Mom.

This really is a case of knowing what you’re getting into. If you continue to have a relationship with this man YOU will be the one to blame. 

He has shown you over and over again exactly who he is and where his loyalties lie. If you choose to think things will change that’s ALL on you. 

Hello Soccermom830

Please tell us all that you left him once and for all.  This whole business has so many similarities to the mess I got myself out of after 4 months,  especially the bit about the SD living at home indefinitely.  

This man's blindness to his daughter's faults is well beyond the normal reaction of a parent feeling that their flesh and blood is being disrespected.  He is absolutely paying no regard to your distress in his obsessive defending of behaviour you should not have to deal with.  In fact,  he wants you to suffer for standing up to or speaking the truth about his daughter.

Whatever words he says to reassure you that he cares or that he's lucky to have you etc,  that is the price he will always make you pay for being with him.

That's how full of himself he really is.   That's how secondary you are to him.  

No amount of counseling in the universe is going to change this dynamic.  If you want to live a completely miserable existence go ahead and marry him.  I suggest you see your self worth and get away from all of them.  Sometimes what you think is love is really just a bad habit.

Just stay engaged if you don't want to break it off, but no way would I move in with a StepKid in the house.  I made my husband sell his house and move in with me, and they could come over only for dinner now and then and only if they followed the rules.  At 22 he should be on his own and if he isn't it is a huge red flag.

Kudos for you for standing up for yourself and to letting him know that you will not tolerate being excluded.

I know exactly how it feels to be exclude by hateful adult steps. You are so right, of course these adult steps would never allow their significant others to be excluded, so why does daddy's woman have to be excluded? I could go on and on about how flipping wrong it is.

And, yes people, some couples enjoy attending parties and functions together. I am so sick of hearing about "oh let the adult stepbrats get their way and exclude us and biomommy or biodaddy should attend the function alone and leave their significant other at home." It's BS. No decent spouse, who has a conscience thinks it's okay to leave their significant other behind on vacation, family function or the like, if the excluded spouse wishes to go.

I am so very fortunate that my DH has enough of a conscience to see if I want to attend or not events where adult skids will be. DH also has made it clear to me he knows it was so wrong to exclude me in the past when the skids said they didn't want me around. 

You go girl! If you attend, hang all over your man and smile at the adult skid when she gives you the evil eye. Hee, hee.