Xmas Gifting Question...When You've Disengaged
First time ever for both DH and I disengaging from SD24. It's a new situation and the whole "gifting" thing is going to be different this holiday. Before DH disengaged (about two months now), he sent SD24 a pretty decent gift card on her birthday. She never acknowledged or thanked him.
In the past when it came to birthdays, special occaisions and the holidays, both DH and I jointly purchased gifts. However, I would hunt for "special" items and add creative touches. Example - For SD24's college graduation, I gifted her an antique treasure box filled with a map and scavenger hunt items that she could do whilst on her trip. I scoured the city looking for the most unusual places and things to do and bought certificates for all of them so she could have a really unique "experience." (That's what happens when my heart is really into it.)
I'm not doing a damn thing for SD24 this xmas. It's actually a relief, but DH feels he should still send a gift card because..."I am still her father." It's no skin off my back if DH sends her a gift card, but this does bring up a question: When you are disengaged from them, is it wise to keep sending gifts on birthdays and holidays? I do not think DH will get acknowledged or thanked on Christmas....nor his 60th birthday (which is New Year's Eve) or father's day.
I'm just disgusted with SD and despite DH never saying a thing, I can see the hurt she creates.
There are all levels of
There are all levels of disengagement so you can choose to what degree you want to interact. You are not doing anything for SD at Christmas and you are OK with it. This means no reminding or helping DH with the gifts. It also means he pays for SD's gifts out of his own pocket - not out of a joint account, and not with any affect on family finances. I don't know what DH does for SD for either her Birthday or Christmas and I don't care. SD doesn't acknowledge DH for his Birthday, Fathers Day or Christmas but it's up to him to set her straight or not. My Christmas gift to myself is that I will not have to put up with her attitude and cheapness - let's hope it's the gift that keeps on giving. LOL
I'm a big believer in not
I'm a big believer in not rewarding had behavior...or greed.
Why not suggest your DH make a donation in his daughter's name to a charity? Does she like animals? Care about cancer or the homeless? A lot of charities will send a card to the honoree letting them know about the donation, so your SD will know you remembered her on Christmas.*dirol*
Yes, he's still her father so
Yes, he's still her father so he can send her a regular Christmas card and be done with it, she is 24 years old.
A gift is a gift- I never
A gift is a gift- I never understood this needing to get anything back thing. I gave gifts to my former skids in the beginning,but they weren't particularly well received, so I stopped doing it. If DH chooses to give stuff to his own offspring then that's fair enough, and maye he doesn't expect anything back. Let him send the gift card if he wants.
Disengaging is a different process for everyone- I agree with sandye- my gift to myself is to have no one but myself to please this Christmas- and that feels very good.
True, he can give her a gift
True, he can give her a gift if he chooses but if he's doing it just because he feels he should, because he's her father, a Christmas card will do just fine. It still shows her that he is thinking about her on Christmas, without the whole unappreciated gift giving crap.
SS does not exist in my life.
SS does not exist in my life. As DH has very little money his present for SS is usually something for about $20. A fraction of what it was when I participated. Last year DH wanted to get the GF something- I said no she’s just the girl he’s currently effing.
We were out this year and he said “we need to put together something for the GF”. I literally picked up a $6 gingerbread house kit and said “give them this. They can put it together with the kid “. That’s their joint present. $6 more than they are worth.
I reminded him that his parents never gave him gifts after he was married with children.
Insanity as they say... is
Insanity as they say... is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. Your DH needs to learn this lesson.
Don't send her shit until she complies with reasonable standards of behavior for an extended period of time (read that as YEARS!).
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Enjoy the holidays with the people you actually like.
Guess I'm still frayed from giving...
Lots of good suggestions. I guess I'm still a little frayed with "giving" to SD. We have never expected anything back when we gift all the kids. But, SD has always assumed DH was an ATM machine (as did BM). SD's last withdrawal, prior to us disengaging, involved a supposed agent fee to secure an apartment to the tune of 3K. She then told DH, "oh I didn't even need one." Never offered to return the money. DH never asked for it back. That's the kind of thing that irks me...bs entitled thinking.
I was like you, too.
For a decade, I wracked my brain and tried to come up with thoughtful gifts for SD from both myself and my SO. My SO is terrible at shopping and gift-giving ideas so he relied on me to come up with ideas for things he thought SD would like. He used to like having lots of gifts wrapped and under the tree, as I think he was hanging on to the illusion of a "happy holiday" and wrapped gifts were part of it.
No matter what we did, SD acted blase' about it all. She was never openly rude, but would just open gifts one after the other with a mealy-mouthed little "thanks" after each one. No comment on how she liked it, etc. As she got older, I suggested we do small gifts (so she had something to unwrap) which would have a gift card attached. Eg. A box of deluxe nail polishes, with a gift card to her favorite hair salon.
At one point, she told her dad all she wanted was money. That's when I pretty much gave up. She was working full-time by then, was making almost $90K per year, had a brand new car, etc. She didn't need money and she obviously thought our gift-giving efforts (meaning, mine) were a waste of time.
I gave her a gift for her wedding and that's the last one she'll get from me. I selected a large, rather pricey item on the registry and had it delivered to her home. She never even bothered to send me a text that they'd received it.
I had a milestone birthday recently and she couldn't find the time to text me let alone send me a card. She did, however, leave me a voicemail the next day.
I believe my SO still sends her and her husband rather hefty checks for birthdays, Christmas, etc. It's his money and his business. All I know is she personally won't get another dime out of me, nor will she get any more of my time. If and when she pops out her first kid, I will probably send them a small gift card in the mail but that will be it.
And I will only do that so my SO doesn't give me the stink-eye for ignoring her on the momentous occasion of her producing spawn.
The voice mail
Why do you feel obligated to get SD a gift when she pops out her first kid? If DH suggests to you that you purchase anything or go to any trouble for SD say, "We have an 'understanding' which was initiated by SD, and I kind of like it. I'll 'pass up' on exchanging gifts with SD. If I have a special event I dont want to put pressure on her feel obligated to buy something for me. I'll call her tomorrow and leave a voice mail."
Very good point!
I think you are on to something, Sandye! Perhaps I will call her the day after delivery, a time when I know she won't answer phone, and leave a voicemail for her to call me back. If that kind of "well wishes" for a special event is supposed to work for me, it should work for her too!
And I'll keep my money in my wallet.
It seems to me that DH not
It seems to me that DH not giving her Christmas gifts because she's a greedy manipulator is the wrong approach. Why doesn't he stop being her ATM machine instead? Isn't that really the message he wants to send? I love you but you can't just get money out of me anymore by pushing my buttons.
As for you, as SM - no, you shouldn't get her anything at all. Can't DH just say whatever he gives her is from both of you?
The word disengage I believe
The word disengage I believe means to no longer engage. So, giving gifts to disrespectful adult skids or anyone you disengage with would be considered engaging IMHO.
My DH and I are both disengaged from his hateful adult skids. We no longer purchase and send gifts to them or for the gskids, who have been taught to dislike me and not acknowledge me. DH doesn't receive anything at all on his birthday, including milestone birthdays. They do not acknowledge him on Xmas and just expect DH to buy things for them and the gskids all the time. They blame me for DH not doing this. God forbid DH decide to not cater to his hateful spawn on his own.
DH actually likes the idea of saving money and no longer letting the skids tell him what they want, (in the past, very expensive gifts), and no longer taking these adults to the store to buy whatever they want. Now, that there are gskids, adult skids expect DH to drain his bank account on Xmas for them. DH won't do this, as he is disengaged from the gskids as well.
I use to spend a lot of time shopping for the perfect gift for them, sending cards, attending all skid functions with gifts in tow. No longer. They do not appreciate anything DH or I have done for them. The last gifts DH received from adult skids quite a few years ago, were pictures of them and/or gskids, all with rude comments. DH once said we should send them some of our wedding pictures in frames as gifts, ha, ha. We never did, but it would be funny.
good luck
Ho N Ho
Reading everyone's comments makes me fortify our choice to completely disengage from SD. I said something to DH this morning and thanks Rags for this very appropriate quote which came in handy:
Insanity as they say... is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. Your DH needs to learn this lesson.
SD's social media posts used to bring up bile in me. She consistently gave grovelling credit to BM for "always being there" and "the one who I can always count on." Not once over the last five years have I ever glimpsed a mention of DH.
SD does not show gratitude to DH nor has she acknowledged his role as the person who was the MAIN provider throughout her life. DH was there for every milestone moment and waaaay more. BM left DH with the kids when she decided to "figure out what she wanted and find herself" (translation: I'm not happy so I want my own apartment where I can screw other men. You watch the kids and continue to pay the bills). She dragged the divorce on so she could keep emotionally and financially milking him.
DH is standing his ground - no more bs from Ho N Ho. When I brought up gifts this morning, he said "I'll send her a card, that's it." I'm going to make sure SS27 and BD23 are shown our appreciation. They are decent, non-hateful adults.
No gifts
Only this year did I stop trying to by gifts for SD. Like you I put a lot of effort into her birthday 25 years it has been me not her father. Same at Christmas. To buy gifts for her husband really bugged me. This year its her two kids only. I luv them. But now she and her SO get a dose of their on medicine. It really should only be for kids anyway.
After years of truely garbage
After years of truely garbage gifts from my problem SD ( cheap ashtrays, dirty napkins etc.) I totally disengaged from gift giving. If DH wants to get her something it is up to him and he rarely does. I also gave up on the rest of her clan as well as they too are just takers.
IMHO, why reward someone who treats you like carp.
Second This One...
When I was participating in the family "gift giving," it was only seen as an annual opportunity to show everybody how utterly unimportant I was to the "family," designed specifically-- to show me, even more so. About the 4th year of me "trying" even my DH expressed some empathy to me (shocked he noticed at all). Of course.. never saying a word to the SD's, but I was done about that time anyway; this treatment was aligned with the other malicious public things they were doing to me.
The step rules were all "individual" presents; and I should have caught on to that targeted approach, a lot sooner than I did. If you are in this dynamic, there are always hidden agendas backed by intense passive aggressive behavior. These adults know they will never be corrected.....and, they are reinforced everytime they can get you playing their game. They make all the rules for every special occassion, you are forced to play along (trying to get along), and required to take the treatment as they enjoy their sick sport.
DH can do whatever he would like now, but he will never have me tag along for the royal family to emotionally abuse again. Years of that insanity taught me I deserved to be treated better. The "gifts"were just another excuse to put me in my place.
At some point behavior
At some point behavior determines the level of support or gifts that a person receives. Those that are worthy receive, those that are not... they should suffer.
It is a simple equation.
I remember that first
I remember that first Christmas, lol. Sd gave me two stale cookies out of a box and SS gave me a $3 subway card. And it was the most ackward visit from with anyone I ever had. I became disenged from especially this holiday for a long time. I don’t buy them anything nor want to. I think last year , both of them have given us a $25 gift restaurant card. It’s no big deal to me. Dh goes out and shops I’m usually always with him so I go but never help.
‘I haven’t found any peace with steps for 5yrs.
‘If he’s not disengaged then he can do whatever. If you’re disengaged then it’s not what I’d do.
‘If he likes being isolated and forgotten that’s on him. It takes strength to stand up to manipulating children. While I feel bad for my dh , I can not weaken my defenses around his spawn. I only just do what I do love him. I can’t help how his children are. My relationship with dh has not one thing to do with them. They could never be like dh. Their bm must be some kind of crazy they way his spawn act.