Advice on discipline.
Hi, I never thought I'd use a site like this but I've been reading everyone's posts and realising.... I'm not alone! 2 years ago I met an amazing man, 1.5 years ago I met his screwed up kids, SS8 and SD10. I'm not good with kids, I tend to be very black and white, I was brought up with good manners and good standards. The Skids welcomed me as they didn't like seeing their Dad alone for so many years. I recently bought a house and made sure it was big enough for all of us. DH currently has Rule 17, the divorce is being finalised soon and the courts are offering 50% Custody. They've been legally separated for 5 years, yes I know he was to effin lazy to start divorce proceedings before he met me. The BM is a controlling/borderline personality disorder who is fixated on doing PAS as much as possible. She sends the kids over with an agenda and hostility which we have to break down each time.
Part 2 to follow....
Part 2...... DH moved into my
Part 2......
DH moved into my house and the skids loved the house to start with. I've found being around the skids I am quite strict with them. When I say strict I mean I expect them to say please / thank you/ not eat with their hands/ clear their plates away/ don't be rude to your father. I never shout at them and when they are naughty I give them one warning and then one consequence. The consequence is to get time knocked off their bedtime, usually in 10 minutes segments. Eg, picking on your brother ten mins early to bed etc. I also let them do house chores to earn minutes which they can use to stay up later. It works like a charm. We even had a peaceful house for a month. I stepped back to let my DH take the lead with the new rules. But my DH suffers from guilty father syndrome and struggles to follow these rules. He lets things slide, they disrespect him and we end up with arguing naughty kids who fight with each other and answer back to dad till he ends up shouting at them. It makes for a miserable house all round.
I've tried disengaging, love that there's an actual word for this! I thought I was just hiding in my bedroom and going out shopping a lot! I've also tried the stiff glass of wine/gin and tonic, which helps too, their whiny voices sound less like fingernails down a black board after a few glasses.
My question is, am I being too strict with them, they like me but I know they resent the rules. DH tries to be the one disciplining them but I sometimes step in as he tends to give 5 warnings and when he's still ignored by his disrespectful kids he shouts at them. I'm not one for shouting at children, it's not good for your blood pressure, stress levels and the kids become desensitised to it. He's asked me to not tell them off but when it's left to him we get chaos in the house. He struggles with them on his own. And I've mentioned maybe he should get an apartment so he can have the kids there are not at the house, that way I can keep out of it 100%. He doesn't really want the kids 50% of the time but feels he should. The courts are about to decide, I'm wondering if he should just request Rule 17 again.
Any comments or suggestions are most welcome. Thanks for reading
If he doesn't want the kids
If he doesn't want the kids 50% of the time, he shouldn't do it. Especially if he is too lazy to parent them. That will not bode well for anybody.
Five warnings? Those kids are laughing their asses off on the inside. They know who is in control.
For the first year of our
For the first year of our relationship DH and I had our own separate apartments. It was good, I could join him and the skids for the a few events, they'd come to dinner etc. Whenever he didn't have the skids he lived with me at my place, everyone got on well. I love living with him full time now but the skids behavior has got worse. I think mainly because the BM is working double time in her narcissistic/ sociopathic brain to try and split us.
I'm determined I'm not going to let her effect us and the skids are young enough that we can teach them better manners. I take great pleasure in making her ex husband as happy as possible as I know that drives her crazy.
We shall see what this weekend brings.
Something which makes my friends laugh, in private DH and I call BM 'Slore' in the early days we couldn't decide whether to call her slut or whore so merged them.
I've recently been interviewed by the GAL in the custody case and I found it hard not to refer to BM as Slore. It was very funny.
Thanks for responding. I
Thanks for responding. I have had a long chat with DH tonight and he has promised he will sit the kids down this weekend and tell them that the bad behavior is unacceptable and there will be consequences if they decide to ignore the rules from now on. He has been a lazy father, just wanting to be a fun dad and to make up for everything nasty their BM does. He is a kind and gentle man and she takes advantage of him every chance she gets, well she did before I came along.
DH wants to change, he has been bullied by BM for 15 years and he is still learning to stand up for himself, with support from me. At every opportunity she throws threats of legal action etc. So he has been treading on glass for years. The skids also report everything we do that they don't like to BM and she complains at every chance she gets. They have been manipulating DH like this for since they separated 5 years ago. We've only just started to stop this by punishing the skids when we receive contact from the BM complaining about stupid irrational things which we know they have told her. A skid with a cell phone is a nightmare!!
Its going to be hard to stand back and let him do it but I will follow your advice, I don't want to be the bad cop all the time.
Funny story, when the skids left after the last weekend. DH proudly stated he felt he had been firmer with them all and that he had given them 20 minutes early to bed on the next visit because they were fighting. He gestured towards the whiteboard on the fridge to show he had written it up there to remember it for the next visit. Of course the board had nothing written on it, the skids had wiped it clean. I just laughed and said yes honey they are really starting to respect you.....lol.
Oh yes, he wrote the 20 mins
Oh yes, he wrote the 20 mins each back up on the board and added 1 hour each! :). Early to bed for the skids this Friday and extra time cuddle for DH and I!
Thanks for the link, that's a
Thanks for the link, that's a good article, I'll definitely take some of the advice. The difference in my situation is I have respect from the kids. I'm firm and calm with them but mean what I say, they know that. It's DH who needs to catch up.
good luck. in time a strong
good luck.
in time a strong united front will pay off I am sure. Your system for discipline sounded awesome! really fair & reasonable.
All the best!
Thanks Rob. It's working like
Thanks Rob. It's working like a charm for me. They're obsessed about staying up late so taking even ten minutes off bedtime is taken very seriously by the skids. It's like having a mute button on them, when they're starting to push their luck I just calmly look at them and quietly say the magic words 'ten minutes?' And they are instantly silent. If they are very wound up and they go to argue with me I say 'do you want 20 minutes instead?' It's great, if only DH would do it too. They behave well around me because they know my system but leaving them with DH is like the teacher leaving the class room. I tend to come back to chaos.
I was worried about the kids not liking me if I was too strict with them but reading posts on here I realise who cares! I'd sooner have discipline, peace and order in my house. This is the decision I've made this weekend.
Your home, your rules. No
Your home, your rules. No you are not being too strict with the Skids. My DW and I worked through these same issues. Most couples in blended families do.
In our case my DW had a choice. Step up and discipline before I had to. That was her choice. If she chose not to then she had to bite her tongue, support me and express her opinion once we were behind closed doors.
We had standards for Skid behavior including please, thankyou, Yes Ma'am/Sir, No Ma'am/Sir and respectful manners and behaviors. He had chores and he did them or he suffered the consequences he chose to accept by no doing them. He had to do his homework and turn it in on time. If he chose to not do these things he knew he was also chosing the consequences associated with those decisions. If my DW did not apply the discipline then I did. Eventually she started being more timely in her discipline of SS. He hated it. Like you I was a discipline each incident then move on type disciplinarian. My DW is a punish forever kind of disciplinarian. SS knew with me would get an effective disciplinary action for the incident and if he did not do it again he would not be put through the ringer repeatedly for his decision. With his mom he would get disciplined, lectured, re disciplined, re lectured, lather, rinse, repeat until SHE felt better about the situation.
After a few months of mom taking the disciplinary lead he came to be and asked it I could take back over the primary disciplinarian role. }:) Sorry kid. I took it back only when my DW failed ot act promptly. If she kept torturing him for an extended period then maybe he would learn that the initial decision is where he should have addressed his flare up of Cranio-Rectitis.
Today we laugh about these things. SS is 21, has been in the USAF for 3 years and is doing well. His mom and I are very proud of him. He is becoming a viable adult and a man of character and standing in the family and in his professional and personal communities. What more can parents ask of their children than that? Sure, plenty more but if we get viable adulthood and a man of character anything else is just gravy.
What you are doing is parenting. Something that far too many parents chose not to do these days.
If your DH does not like how you are doing it then he can step up and get it done before you have too.
IMHO of course.
I hope to one day be in your
I hope to one day be in your position. Thanks to your comments I took a stand with FDH and he in turn took a stand with his kids. We actually had a great weekend and the skids were well behaved. Long may it continue but somehow I don't think we'll be that lucky. I feel like I have some control now and with that I've relaxed and don't feel like my home is being invaded. FDH is feeling happier as I'm not talking about him moving the skids out any more. I'm sure we have more lessons to learn but at the moment we're winning the battle.
The latest issue is I wanted FDH to exchange the Skids with BM at the gas station down the road and BM hates anyone telling what to do so in retaliation she's now saying she wants all exchanges to be at the local police stations. She's such a dumb whore. She's about to put herself out so much. She'll have to leave her house 8 to 10 times a month to take her kids to her local police station so FDH can collect them from her. This means she'll have to not hit the bottle to avoid getting her 3rd DUI! Lol!
I'm stricter with the SKs
I'm stricter with the SKs than DH is. I do get tired of pulling them up on things, and then they keep doing them, and then it pisses me off, and the cycle starts again. What does seem to work for me is that I make sure that DH is on the same page. I tell him what the kids are doing, and my reason for why its wrong/annoying/needs to be rectified, and how often it happens. He'll usually agree that its shit behaviour. Once I've got that backup in my mind, then I can step back when it happens again and ask him to pull them up on it, and he will. Having him pull them up on it shows the kids we're a team and there's no manipulating one to get to the other, and it means that I'm not having to be the disciplinarian all the time, because its horrible for everyone that way.
If I don't point out when it happens, he'd never notice. And if I never had the conversation with him that brought the issue to his attention, he'd eventually get pissed off and wouldn't know why.
The most important thing is that you're a team. Your man will not be as strict as you because they're his kids, plus the guilt of the separation. Things are much clearer when you're more removed, which is what us step-moms are.
We got together 8 years ago when his kids were 8 and 10. This spread of discipline between us has seen us through teaching them to have showers everyday (bc BM sure didn't teach them that), helping out with dishes, cleaning the house, doing homework, reporting in when they want to go out, picking up after themselves. The kids are perfect, and we don't have the energy and time to be as strict as we'd like, but we're happy that they're going to be better human beings because of us.