All these years and I still think he loves BM more.
Just something that has been in the back of my mind while reading posts that I wanted to share. I don't think I have ever shared this with anyone!!!!
I've been with DH 12 years, married for 6. He was married to his ex for 7 years. After several affairs, she abandoned him with 2 of her children from previous relationships, SD10 and SD 12, and they had one child together, SS4. He raised all the kids when she walked out and has always had primary custody. She did not visit any of the children for over 18 months when she left, and even left the country for a few months without telling anyone. We do not have any children together, and I do not have any children.
She's the normal controlling, psycho, insane BM with huge issues, a paranoid disposition, and a foul and violent temper.
Yet I have always felt deep down that he loves her more than me, even this much later. He cow-tows to her, he will defend her insanity and unpredictable behavior, he makes excuses for her unwillingness to parent or even SEE her children, he defends her not working, and he will drop anything to go help her. Literally- he will drop plans to go help her move furniture or fix her mower, etc. When she gets nuts he will engage in hours long fighting with her. (I can't fight with someone I don't care much about- I just say my peace and walk away)
Secretly I have always felt this way. I have always known in some unspoken way that I was second best to her, and that if she really put the smack down on him she would have the power to remove me from his life. She uses the kids for pawns, but lets get serious- he's had custody for 12 years, no judge is going to take those kids away from a full time parent who has a steady income and give them to an unemployed mother with a spotty past of disappearing for months, who has never had full time custody, a long psych history, and who lives on welfare and CS. I know that consciously he knows this, but I have no doubt he would cave to her anyway.
We even broke up at one point when we had been dating about 2 years. BM decided I should be gone and made some ultimatum that "her children" should never be around me. (I've never done a thing to her kids, never speak ill of her to them to this day, and am very well respected in the community- but she decided I was abusing them with no justification- just decided) He actually told me he wanted to keep dating, but in secret. I left at that point and told him to come back when he had a spine.
It's gotten better, to a degree, but I wish I had seen the writing on the wall. She can be a fuck up from sun up to sun down and he will make excuses for her. I do the tiniest thing- literally leave a wet towel on the bed- and he has to correct me and explain 4 times why it was wrong.
Anyone else feel like second best?
Why are you staying?
Why are you staying?
IMO, you need to re-evaluate
IMO, you need to re-evaluate your relationship and your life with your DH.
I will say that in the past I have felt the same way about DH and BM.
I have come to the realization that DH takes up for BM because I think he hates to admit that he was such an idiot and fell for her, lived with her for 25 years, put up with her cheating multiple times AND had a child with her.
Maybe he feels like if he down plays her faults that they will not be so apparent.
As far as DH being so hard on you but taking up for BM. I have had the same gripe about DH and my bff said that she thinks DH is just trying to find fault with me (nit picking) because he thinks I am better than both him and BM.
So maybe he feels like if he makes a big deal out of all my little faults that BM's (and his) will look irrevelant.
Maybe he thinks I am too critical of BM. ??? So he feels like he needs to defend his son's mother... ???
** EDited to add** DH does not cater to BM though. If DH catered to BM like your DH I would put down an ultimatuim. Either me or the highway.
I refuse to share my man!!!
he will drop anything to go
he will drop anything to go help her. Literally- he will drop plans to go help her move furniture or fix her mower, etc. When she gets nuts he will engage in hours long fighting with her.
^^^^^ THIS is ridiculous! :jawdrop: NO woman should be expected to put up with this.
I would leave him in an instant for that!!!
^^THIS^^
^^THIS^^
Love is a strange thing -
Love is a strange thing - what we do for love, hey?
"He is probably embarrassed
"He is probably embarrassed and putting her in a positive light makes his mistakes seem less stupid."
This right here is my DH and I HATE IT. It makes me feel so disrespected. Do not talk good about the women who threatened to abort your child if you didn’t do what she said, then had another child to "save" the marriage that only happened because she trapped you in high school, only once you two got divorced she abandoned her children with you! WTF! She is NOT a good woman by any stretch of the imagination STOP ACTING LIKE SHE IS.
I deal with this on a certain
I deal with this on a certain level. I don't like it but I have had to come to terms with it because in my case it involves zero actions or interface with BM.
DH will defend BM to the nth degree. DH loves to be the savior in life. BM loves to be the victim. They fed off each other with those roles.
DH did leave BM twice and in my heart I know he does not want to go live with her. He's like to be her best friend but he's that way with everyone. The man never met a stranger.
I refer to her as "Perfect Pam" because if anything is ever said about he her will defend her unconditionally. He even defended her when she buried the older SS35 without notifying him. Said "You don't know what grief she may have been experiencing."
But what I have come to realize is that he does have guilt over leaving her twice. And it came out one time that he thought I acted like both of his ex wives were POS and that was a reflection on him. He has told me multiple times that he still loves (but is not in love) with both of them.
I have tortured him at times (I know not nice and I try not to do it anymore) about "loving" both of his exes. SS27 was talking about how wife@2 was such a bitch (DH didn't say a word) and I said "Oh but he still loooooooves her." DH hates it when I do that. I felt that if he could torture me by telling me that I could torture him by telling all the people that hate 2nd wife how he still loves her.
I don't want him to hate them. Hate takes too much energy. He will say some horrible things about the second wife as by all accounts she is a ruthless bitch. Have never met a person who knows her that doesn't start volunteering how awful she is. But he loooooves her.
"Perfect Pam" the BM is mentally ill I believe. She's the one that tore into me about seeing DH when they'd been divorced over 20years and she'd been remarried for 10. DH of course defended her. "Surely I took it wrong and she didn't mean that".
Add to that the fact that DH and BM produced the second crotch dropping from a ONS almost a decade after their divorce. I've told him that is proof that they cannot ever be trusted together.
So he can loooooooooove her all he wants to. But if he wants to stay in my life he will never call her or drop by to see her again (yes he did that once after we were together). period. dot.
The other women in his life may have given him second chances, but I have assured him that I will NEVER do that. He's had all of his "free passes" used up.
I may be old (late 60s) but I am a very attractive older woman and 70 year old men love finding an attractive woman near their age. I can make a mean chocolate pie - that's what these old guys want a woman who looks okay and is still willing to cook. DH is almost a decade younger than I am but he is aware that he is not my only option. I don't like rings so don't wear a wedding ring very often. Men flirt with me all the time. I have never cheated in my life and never would but it keeps DH on his toes.
I can't honestly say I'm "in
I can't honestly say I'm "in love", or that I will stay. We're dealing with lots of stuff right now, and honestly things are not looking promising.
We have a very unhealthy cycle of miscommunication going on for years, as well as issues with the Skids and parenting/house rules.
Today in the middle of an argument I gave up and said I was making an appointment with a marriage counselor, I would pay for all of it, and he could come or not.
He said he would come.... because he wasn't ABOUT to go to court and have me say he wouldn't attend marriage counseling.
And then he wonders why I'm mad.
I would have to agree with
I would have to agree with you. From what you described, it does sound like your DH at the very least still has feelings for BM. I can't imagine why, being that she sounds like a complete piece of trash, but hey some things just can't be explained. You should never feel like you are second, especially to an ex! I would be FURIOUS if DH ever canceled plans with me to go help BM with something. Actually, he knows better than to help her with anything, whether we have plans or not. An ex should not even be in their lives at all (unless it's a conversation about the kids or drop offs/pick ups). Wow. :jawdrop:
I've been thinking my bf is
I've been thinking my bf is struggling with this as well. He was with BM for 13 years, married for 7, and while they've been divorced for 3 years now he has repeatedly said to me that he'll always love her, because he made a vow to that respect. On the other hand, whenever I have expressed any feeling of jealousy or unease about his relationship with BM, he assures me that that bridge has long been burned and that there's a reason they divorced.
I don't honestly think that he wants to get back together with her. They're trying to be amicable for the sake of the kids. But there's always that voice in the back of my head telling me he'll never love me as much as he loved her. He loved her enough to marry and have kids with her. Now, he says he won't get married again and although he says he's happy to try to have kids with me, I know his heart isn't really in it.
Maybe it's a self-esteem issue on my part, I don't know. But it's hard to feel second-best to his BM sometimes. I'm sorry you're feeling the same way.
I totally understand! My dh
I totally understand! My dh caters to his bm on everything! I wish I would have paid attention so many years ago and never gotten in this mess! I absolutely hate her and resent him for even thinking about her! He has one kid with her and had a vasectomy after so he wouldn't have any more kids that weren't with her! (not that I want anymore kids I have 3 from my previous marriage) but it drives me crazy we live in different states now and she calls an emails him over stupid shit! She is now in a lesbian relationship but yet she won't let go. She uses their kid as a tool to be his "friend"! He always brings her up on daily basis and it drives me nuts. I don't care about what they did or did not do but if I tell him that he tries to say that I am unreasonable and being mean. If I say anything about the communication. He says I have to so I can see my daughter! Such a load of crap! I always feel like I get second best from him because of the way he talks about her and continues to communicate with her. I wish she would just go away and take the kid with her!
Honestly I have to say why on
Honestly I have to say why on earth are you letting yourself be second best? I commend you for not having a secret affair! What a lousy worm of a man. You should never settle for second best. I would rather be alone than feel like I was not valued.