And yet I'm the bad guy...
I'm new to this platform so I'm not fully caught up on the terminology used here so please bare with me.
I've been with my fiance for a little over a year, and he has a 4 year odl, who I call my SD. Our involvement in my SD's life has fluctuated during the time I've been with my fiance, from seeing her on the weekends only (with the occasional weekday) to having her almost full time and currently, we have her weekdays (nights not included) and the weekends. My fiance, bless his heart, works nights so his sleep schedules is atocious (i.e., sleeping all day and leaving SD to her own devices- usually watching TV, with the exception of feeding her meals). This typically leaves me to care for her majority of the day on the weekends. Now I'm 25, so I might be young and naive or selfish or "don't understand" but I get burnt out watching her, especially on the weekends. My SD's mom refuses to watch SD during the weekend becaue she needs to take "mental health days" (mind you, this is her kid, that she chose to have). She's one of those moms who loves the title but hates the work of being a mom. I've talked to my fiance about taking one weekend off a month so that I can decompress but all I get is: "I try and work it out with her (BM), but she says no, so what can I do? I don't have a choice". So I'm stuck to do it? I'm also struggling with resentment almost daily and wrongfully take it out on fiance and SD. But anytime I express that I don't want her here or that I need a break, to my finace, he takes it as me expressing that I don't love her, which isn't the case. He absolutely loves being a father and I don't want to take that away from him, nor am I trying to. I just also don't know where I fit in, and to what involvement is appropriate for me. I'm just posting to rant and/or to hear any advice.
So my advice is the same always
Being a step parent sucks big balls.
My advice is the same always. Don't.
My wife is my high school sweetheart and I loved her long before she had a kid. (We are same sex and it was the 90s. You had to be there to understand... she felt she had to be married to a man and have a kid and go to church.... etc etc)
Point is, my relationship with my wife goes way back and it is strained and tainted by this step parent stuff. I disengaged a long time ago and most days it works completely.
All that said, if I was just meeting and dating her post step child.... I would just not. I would have never married her. The strain the exes and the kids put on the relationship and your life is absolutely not worth it.
Sorry. But its not.
Its not your job to raise someone elses kid. Disengage. Not your monkey, not your circus. You are young and putting your time and engery in a fruitless thing. Go do you. You didn't make that kid. Let them figure it out.
The strain the exes and the
THIS right here.
And most of these exes PURPOSELY set out to destroy their new partners by pulling all kinds of child support, child custody shenanigans
Andnif they can't destroy you they enlist their kids
Then the moment you speak up and speak out against the sh*tshow somehow the DH/DW/SO is willfully obtuse ... and now YOURE now the bad guy.
This step parenting sh*t with the average bioparent with exes n kids is NOT worth the energy and effort.
I have come to the conclusion that unless these people are paying no less than 10x in step parent support (than what they pay out to their breeders) .... then the ROI on doing stepparenting for 18+ years is so low it makes zero sense to even consider
This should totally be discussed on the front end.
From my experience I knew what kind of resources I had to help out with step kids. My now ex's kids had 2 active bio parents plus large extended family whereas my bio only had me and very limited extended family help so I couldn't neglect my bio to serve the skids who already had what they needed. Therefore I preferred to play a mentor role not mommy 2.0
And it's never right to force someone to go beyond their abilities to raise kids especially ones they're not legally bound to.
The more I got manipulated into last minute school pickups, "hey watch my kids while I (insert some selfish activity here)", watch my kids while i work, watch my kids when my breeder i pay cs wants a break, etc .... the more resentful I became.
In hetero relationships....These men out here would rather force their new partners into roles they should have been/should be forcing the breeders they pay child support into.
"In hetero relationships...
"In hetero relationships....These men out here would rather force their new partners into roles they should have been/should be forcing the breeders they pay child support into."
Don't you know, SMs are supposed to be everything BM isn't, but gets paid anyway for. But when it comes to discipline or scheduling, don't "overstep!"
You're being used. This guy
You're being used. This guy gets half price rent (presumably) and free childcare. You can't even negotiate time off from this full time childcare role you've been duped into.
This guy isn't a keeper.
What would he do if you weren't around? He needs to do that.
What would he do if you weren't around? He needs to do that. No 4 year old should be on her own for the majority of the day. Dad needs to either change his schedule, or invest in child care. Do they have a custody order? Does anyone pay child support? You are under no obligation to watch this child as she has two parents and you are not one of them.
,...we have her weekdays
Nights not included. So that means the time he has the child during the week is counted as BM's for child support purposes.
I hope you meant 'bless his heart' as derision or exasperation. This guy is a terrible parent if he sits a four year old in front of a tv except to feed her. Leaving her to her own devices is a disaster waiting to happen.
From your explanation, it would seem that weekends are dad's custody/ visitation time.
Dad needs to get his act together. He can't parent his child and sleep at the same time. There are places that offer child care. Yes, it's expensive, but child care is usually split. The child is four. Is public school preK available in the fall?
Is this the relationship for you? Are you ready to have every objection you make in the future met with you don't love her? And as to 'absolutely loves being a father', his actions do not support that.
"Nights not included. So that
"Nights not included. So that means the time he has the child during the week is counted as BM's for child support purposes."
BINGO! Not only does BM get credit for the whole 24 hours for child support calculation purposes and you get the responsibility, but now you and/or your SO get the pleasure of seeing and talking to BM EVERY DAY. How fun!
My SO has that arrangement on BM's custody time. Keeps SS after school until BM decides to either pick him up or have him brought to her, never at the same time or place, so it's like every day is the first time. BM gets the money, SO gets the responsibility and BM gets to be relevant since someone has to stress over when and where she will want SS. Every day.
Which is why i still live at MY house. Fk all that, and i'm in my 40s with 2 grown kids. OP, you are young and child-free. Why saddle yourself with this? AND your partner doesn't consider you as a full adult member of your household when he and BM work out between themselves when you will be providing free daycare. Girl run.
OP, you’re being used
as a mommy bangmaid and a wife appliance. This guy is a bad partner and a bad father. Throw the whole man out while you're still young.
Listen to your gut instinct and to your resentment - it's there for a reason and trying to tell you which direction to go. Do not try to shut your natural instinct up with reasoning, it's there to protect you.
Slow down!
What's the rush to get married? Especially when you're now encountering some important red flags waving right in front of your nose. Please pay heed to them.
As others have said, this young girl has two parents. Let them figure it out without you. It's not your job to raise her and yet conveniently for them you are! Don't lose you in this whirlwind because SP's never come first so you need to put yourself first.
And so what if he says you don't love her. They all say that btw. You can be childish and throw that statement back to him as he does barely anything for her. Or you can stand by your boundary and repeat your needs.
you are in danger of losing yourself in this relationship. And the child will not thank you for it, he won't thank you for it and neither will the BM. Take a step back and watch how he behaves.
Your fiancé is using you for
Your fiancé is using you for free childcare and live-in nanny services.
Of course he's going to get mad at you because he's emotionally manipulative and entitled .... and if you leave ... he will now HAVE to do work to take care of his kid (as he should have been doing in the first place)
You're not married so this is not your job
Is he paying his ex child support? If so that is her job because that's what she's being paid cs for.
Also consider - do you really want to marry into this? Lazy breeder, lazy entitled "dad", emotional manipulation tactics used against you when you speak out against being taken advantage of.
Take it from me - this scenario you're seeing is one reason why you should never cohabitate with single/divorced men with kids. They WILL rush to move you in for all the free live maid /nanny / child-rearing labor they can squeeze out of you.
If a man is not improving the quality of your life ... then you have to question is this the right man for you?
This is not what you want to
This is not what you want to hear, but this guy is probably not the guy for you. You have only been with him a year, you are now learning what kind of person he really is. It generally takes about 2 years to truly get to know a person.
You are young, go live your life, find someone who wants the same things in life that you do.
Leave this guy to his "parenting" and bowing down to the BM.This situation will not get better. I mean, you see what they did, right?
Our involvement in my SD's life has fluctuated during the time I've been with my fiance, from seeing her on the weekends only (with the occasional weekday) to having her almost full time and currently, we have her weekdays (nights not included) and the weekends.
Yeah, they became less involved, your involvement increased. They are both taking advantage of you. It won't get better.
I've been in my SD's life for 27 years (since she was 5) and I have watched her for a grand total of 4 hours. Really, it was 2 hours, since she was asleep for 2 of them. And, my husband ASKED me if I would mind watching her because he had to work for 1/2 a day on a Saturday.
Not only are they using you, but your fiance is more concerned about saying, "No" to BM than he is concerned about your concerns. This is a huge red flag and will also not get better. Get ready for a life of BM running it.
You are right to take your resentment out on your fiance but is that how you want to live? I know you don't want to take it out on your SD but I get the resentment, but is that the kind of person you want to be? Being put in this position can change you, I have seen it A LOT on this site.
There are other men out there, better suited for you. Trust me.
Think about if he this way now…
Not careing about you, ... Him not getting proper childcare... dumping all of this on a GF...You are not even a DW.... BM is controlling your life. .. someone you really don't know, or like... is controlling you. This is only the tip of the iceberg... it's going to get worst. What's going to happen when you figure our BM is out partying.. have alone time whit her BF, as you sit at home taking care of her kid..You are supporting BM. Giving her tine and money [all she is saving not parenting SD]. TIME for start making an exit plan. And see what BF care plan is then
How come the Mom gets to
How come the Mom gets to refuse, and the Dad gets to refuse, but you don't?
Ask him that. You'll get excuses and accusations: "you don't love my child" (does he?), "her mom won't take her" (why is this now your responsibility). Why is everyone involved accommodated except for you? Of course you are resentful.
Figure out what you need and want to be happy. If he won't make any changes then this is not the man for you. This is not what love looks like.
Here's my suggestion, go
Here's my suggestion, go away for a week without more than 2 weeks notice. Go visit your family or friends you haven't seen for ages. See how he copes. FWIW, if he tries to coerce you, force you, wheedle you to stay, you will at least get a clear idea of what you mean to him - unpaid babysitter or not. Even if you were married, this child still wouldn't be your responsibility.
Excellent points have been brought up by veteran members here.
There's always low quality single dads on the hunt for a new partner, hoping to find someone who will warm their bed, contribute financially, and do their parenting for them. This is why it's best to take things very slowly, know what your role is and IS NOT, and be able to stand up for yourself.
ALL single parents have failure on their resume, meaning you have to pay attention to actions rather than words. Many blame their "evil" ex for everything, but the good ones, prioritizing what's best for their children, will have done the necessary work BEFORE seeking a new partner. This includes:
Unfortunately, your "fiance" doesn't meet these basic criteria. He rushed to find a replacement domestic appliance (Think critically - why did he move so fast when quality parents are cautious, slow, and methodical about who they bring into their childrens' lives?). He wooed you fast and proposed already to trap you, hasn't bothered to find work compatible with being a single parent, doesn't listen to you, and prioritizes BM's wants over your needs. Now BOTH lazy parents are using you, and NONE of this is your resonsibility. And the more you do for them, the less likely these parents are to ever step up.
OP, you are a catch and can find lots of guys at exactly the same place in life as you; guys who will cherish you and want to build a life with you. Please take the lessons you've learned in this starter relationship and move on to something better for you.
Don't talk to BM, tell BM.
Don't talk to BM, tell BM. No. That is what you tell BM. As for every weekend with the StepSpawn, hell no. No more than EOWE. If BM has primary then BM is responsible for the care and feeding of the spawn that your SO likely pays her to care for with a CS order. If daddy does not have the balls to demand return on his CS investment, then you do it. Every weekend should not be about the SD-4. EOWE, fine.
BM can figure out her mental health days on her time. But at least half of your weekends have to be Skid free if you are in a local CP/NCP custody and visitation situation. Time to put your foot up your SO's ass, get him to court for a structured custody order and visitation schedule not to exceed EOWE or EOW. No all week then all weekend too because BM is a manipulative mentally fragile moron.
You have to commit to yourself to live your best life in spite of your SO and his failed family baggage. His X has to be kept firmly under control with a foot at her throat, and you have to settle for nothing less than equity life partnership and equity parent status.
Or, get on with your best life with this long shit show fading into your past with a new life adventure in front of you.
Do not sacrifice your life and happiness for a failed parent who cannot stay awake to parent his child, cannot keep his idiot X in line, and instead pawns the kid off on his new mate.
IMHO of course.
you say "He absolutely loves
you say "He absolutely loves being a father and I don't want to take that away from him"
what exactly does he love? you do almost all of it and get guilt tripped when you rightfully speak up for yourself.
he's not going to change anything, BM's not going to change anything. why should they? they've got you doing it all.
And that is not fair or right.
You may be wrongfully taking
You may be wrongfully taking out your resentment on the SD but not on your fiance. He's the source of that that resentment is his to carry.
As being the child’s father and wanting the child
To visit him. It's his responsibility to get a job that works for him to do his child care. Not for you to do it. It's always makes me wonder .. that people want something [ cos parenting] but don't set themselves up for it. They expect everyone to help them.
'TWO. Remember, BF and BM had months of time together, before SD where they had alone time together, weekends trips alone, vacations alone, going to movies, shows concerts. What are you getting. To be a babysitter? He should be working on things to do with you alone. One weekend a month kid free. Or he's not ready for a real relationship. .