Anxiety & Being Patient with BF's Kids
Hey everyone. I'm new to this forum but have been struggling with this issue for a while and would love some advice/discussion. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year, and he is just amazing. The communication is fantastic, he's emotionally mature, and I really feel like I've found my soul's equal with him. He has an 11 y/o son and 7 y/o daughter. He was separated already when we first got involved, and got divorced early this year. BM has primary custody, he has them every other weekend. They're wonderful kids, they've been so welcoming to me and he always tells me how much they love me and are excited to see me.
I enjoy seeing them, but as I have no bio kids and not a lot of experience with kids, I'm finding it hard to be "on" all the time, especially with his daughter. I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder, and after spending a whole day or more with them, I find myself getting irritated and overwhelmed by them. I start feeling like she's super needy and annoying, and wishing they weren't there anymore so I can just be with him. We both work full time (more than full time, and I'm in school), so we don't get a ton of time alone together. Occasionally I start feeling jealous of them, like if she insists on sitting between us or sitting on his lap so I can't be close with him while we're watching a movie.
I guess I'm having a hard time being selfless constantly, always doing what they want to do, always playing when she wants to (first thing in the morning?? Always??), etc. I'm sorry for the giant post, I just really would like to hear some opinions or pointers regarding my situation. Also I have talked with him about these issues, and he's very understanding that we're both new to this situation and appreciates that I'm trying.
Welcome to steptalk
i think what you are going through are just basic boundaries and expectations haven’t been established.
assumedly your bf has assumed you would step into a surrogate stepmum role and just take it onboard. That responsibility and relationship is something which grows over time but you are your own person with things you need to do.
if you are busy all week, you want to relax and have some me time. A friend of mine who us divorced with 2 young kids and remarried always made sure they had a date night every 4 weeks. This wasn’t negotiable!! Their relationship is important to because it teaches the kids of the relationship that you need to make an effort to grow and strengthen your relationship and marriage.
You need to tell your bf that you feel tossed to the side when his daughter pushes to sit between you or on his lap, it destroys the intimacy because she is getting to the age where this is really inappropriate behaviour.
you certainly don’t want a 14 yr old sitting on daddys lap and hugging him in front of the tv. Heck even toddlers play on their own, its part of their self independence.
you don’t have to do everything they want. You wanna relax or go to movies and they don’t, great go on your own or with a girlfriend. Until you set those boundaries nothing will change.
heck i have since over a year ago being firm on not being at meet ups or events that skids are at because they are intolerable, rude and disrespectful and my hubby will try to ask if i wanna go and the moment skids are going its a hell no from me. Until the behaviours and attitudes change, don’t for lce yourself to just take it to keep the peace because it will eat at you
I probably should've added
I probably should've added that we do not live together. So I'm not with them constantly when he has them. And they have never been disrespectful to me. Maybe cranky or pouty sometimes but never disrespectful. We've been getting better about looking at both of our work schedules (we both work nights at a hospital) and planning date nights ahead of time. As for her sitting between us or on his lap, I guess I don't know what's appropriate for her age. And I also understand that she gets a limited amount of time with him too. They have that special daddy/daughter bond and I get it.
Please get out
This isn't going to get any better. In fact, it's likely to get worse. I'm sure this kid's father is a dream boat, but no man is worth the angst you will endure to enjoy him. Find someone with no kids, or at a minimum, no kids who have not launched. (This includes kids under 18, layabout/deadbeat adult kids--any offspring likely to be a drain on the man's resources. They WILL affect you, and affect you badly.)
Far from being selfless,
Far from being selfless, parenting is actually very selfish. If not dealt with carefully it can completely subjugate a spouse particularly when one spouse brings kids to the mix and one does not.
So, for this relationship to be successful you are going to have to get a little selfish and create boundaries and standards of behavior that the Skid will be held to when they are in your relationship home.
Your SO needs to either participate in establishing the boundaries or have your back as you do it.
Good luck.
I suppose this would be a
I suppose this would be a good conversation to have with him. We don't live together, which is part of why I haven't been comfortable really setting any boundaries, as it is not "my" home. I'm also still kind of figuring out my role with them. He does not expect me to step in and parent, he is a very hands-on dad and the hardest worker I know. I tend to defer to him considering he's been a dad for 11 years, and he knows them best. But I know he'd be open to discussing boundaries and expectations.
COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.....
I have been where you are only my SO had custody of his 3 kids. I was single, 33, no baggage, my own apt, my own money, etc. I eventually moved in and then we eventually got married. As long as you maintain your independence and own living quarters, you'll be ok. Once you merge under one roof, then your role changes. I was the chauffeur to and from day care (to & from MY way to work) because DH wasn't available because of his job. I became the cook, the shopper, the house cleaner, and all the things that bio moms do. It can be a very ungrateful role doing these things for SK's because there really isn't an emotional bond. It becomes a 'job' tempered with a lot of resentment. Then there are interactions with any exes. They call the house to talk to him or the kids. Then there are school functions, games, dances, weddings, births, funerals, grandkids. Being his SO as in my case, you can't sit home all the time. My SD was and is daddy's girl even tho she's married with a baby. That'll never change and I don't expect it to. There are 2 stepsons that got involved with drugs and criminal activity so we've had to deal with that over the years. As a stepmom, it's really impossible to disengage and detach from it all no matter what your circumstances are. I, too, have GAD with panic brought on by my role in all of this. And it's medication-resistant. I am an introvert as well. I'm still recovering from a family gatheirng of my OWN last night. My advice to you is to STAY in your own place and have what relationship you can have with this man along with your independence. The unicorns and rainbows tend to fade over the years. Not saying it doesn't work out for some but I can tell by your post that there is potential trouble brewing in the future.
OP, please don’t move in with him
I know you are getting a lot of advice that may sound harsh, but trust me, it’s not. What’s harsh is the changes that will likely take place if your relationship develops to a place of moving in.
I was once in your place. No kids of my own and dating a man with 2 kids. Things were just great. He took care of his kids, was very supportive and understanding of my needs, and overall the situation felt manageable.
and then our relationship became more serious and I moved in. So much changed that I don’t even recognize the man I’m dealing with. In his mind, he thinks his kids are amazing. In reality they are super cute but super intense and a ton of work. They also can oscillate from adoring me to being disrespectful. And as soon as I said anything to him, the dynamic between he and I changed. Fast forward 2 years, and I’m moving out.
also, I never had anxiety before. I do now. My warning to you is, if you already have it, this situation can severely impact it for the worse.
Please please take some time and understand it is okay to save yourself from living in the aftermath of someone else’s failed relationship. I wish I had.
i wish you the best.
I have similar advice as
I have similar advice as Breanna. Her post could have been written by me — pretty much anyway.
I started dating my BF when his girls were 8 & 11. We lived separately for a few years, then moved in together when the kids were 11 & 14. Before living together, I had some moments where I felt his kids were too high maintenance, spoiled and needy, but I always had my own place to escape to so it was never overwhelming. I'm an introvert and can't handle being "on" all the time, so having my own condo as a retreat worked well.
After living together, I no longer had a place to escape to. And, the stuff that irritated me slightly when it happened in BF's house previously, well, that was now happening in MY house and I couldn't get away from it. I never had an issue with anxiety before, but ended up in counseling and taking medication for anxiety because dealing with the stepkids situation was more than I could handle. I started exhibiting symptoms of OCD — I was doing crazy things to feel like I had some control of my life since my situation seemed to be completely out of my control.
Making the situation worse, the custody arrangement for the kids changed and the kids are with us more than they were with BF before we lived together. I did not get a say in this change, it was negotiated between the kids and their biological parents.
BF thinks his kids are the best ever, and while in general they are pretty good kids, they are not the perfect angels their dad thinks they are. Plus, BF had years of putting up with the messiness and high-maintenance nature of kids before I came into the picture. Without kids of my own, I'm much more bothered by some things than I probably would be if they were my own kids that I raised from birth. There are plenty of things the kids do that irk me but are no big deal to BF. Also, he still sees them as sweet little babies and I can't hep but see them as spoiled teenagers — he is much more hesitant than I am to ask them to be responsible for some basic things around the house that they are totally capable of at their current ages.
We are still together and trying to make things work. But I won't lie, it's rough. There are some things I wish we had agreed upon before living together because it's hard to go back and change expectations and change the way the household functions now. Basically, I wish I had set things up so I felt like I had some level of control over how things happen in my own house, and I don't feel that's what's happened. I feel trapped in a place where I have no say over how anything happens, and it doesn't feel good.
If you do discuss living together at some point, here are some things to agree upon before moving in together, based on my own personal experience:
I wish you the best. Please move forward in this relationship cautiously and take steps forward deliberately and with much discussion.
Sounds familiar..
I'm new here. I've only been with my guy for around 7 months, and due to weird circumstances, we moved in together MUCH earlier than I would have planned. All around it's been great, at least up until recently. He and I have a strong bond and get along very well. I love his kids also. They're sweet and funny and adorable (they're 2 and 4) and they love me too.
When we moved in together, they were only there once a week or so. Recently they've been over about 2-3 times a week, sometimes every other day. BM drops them off at 6 am once a week or so, which sucks because he and I both work evening jobs and sometimes don't get off until 11-11:30 pm and both have difficulty going right to bed.
They're also soooooo messy. And haven't been taught to clean up after themselves, leaving me to clean up (which is basically futile lately considering they've been over every other day lately). When they're with us I have fun as long as I've slept decently, but after several hours I often find myself watching the clock for when they'll get to go home, or go to bed in the case of when they're spending the night. His oldest is also very attached to him, and also pushes her way between us, metaphorically and literally. The other morning I was cuddled up to him on the bed, and she came up and told me to move because she wanted to cuddle with daddy. Bless him, he told her he was spending time with me and that she could cuddle on the other side of him.
In addition, I also struggle with anxiety and the constant messes and constant noise often have me at my wits end. We play hard when they're with us in the evening and have a wonderful time. Mornings KILL me though. I agree, I'm also having trouble adjusting to constantly being selfless.. my belongings have become theirs, they've destroyed a couple of very sentimental things, my free time revolves around them.
I think the first person that responded was correct in that we both just haven't established boundaries yet. Partner assumes it's easy to just step into the role of mom, but I never even wanted my own children, so this is 100% new territory for me. Our partners had the foundation of being with them from before they were even born (yours much longer than mine, as your skids are much older), so time plus the bio bond probably blinds them to how difficult it is for us, having no children of our own.
I don't have a lot of advice as I'm trying to figure it out for myself, but I'm just here for solidarity and to say you're absolutely not alone on this. Maybe the best for both of us would be to write out our perspectives, expectations, and try to gently set some reasonable boundaries for the future.
Good luck!