BioMum not pulling her weight!
Hey Steps
I've been reading but not participating for a few weeks, so this is my 1st post. Please be kind!
I am the SM to a 18-month SS. He's great and we have a lovely bond. His BM's behaviour however is incredibly draining.
She is always 'sick' so can't make it to pick up location, giving DH the run around - she calls DH's mum to help out at least ince or twice a week which distrupts the evening routine (there are a lot of logistics going on, ferrying this kid around!).
She sends SS to us in now dirty clothes that we dressed him in, even socks!
She does nothing with him and when she does, she isn't paying attention. He frequently comes to us covered in scratches becuase 'a bigger kid has attacked him again at soft play'.
She insists that we bath and wash his hair everytime he is staying with us as she only has a shower and struggles to wash him.
She only ever feeds him chicken nuggets or fish fingers and doesn't encourage using utensils, so getting him to eat anything else is a real challenge.
She is rude about me and constantly attacks both me and DH. DH pays his child support and as well as supplying extra nappies, wipes and paying for classes for her to take him to. All I'm doing is looking after her child, for free, and doing way more than I should have to do! DH is good, but he lacks motivation and can be just as lazy sometimes!
She is also in the process of being evicted so that the local council will house her, rather than attempting to find housing for herself.
I really feel that she doesn't look after him properly and puts herself before him. It's very frustrating and I can say nothing! DH has to pick batlles wisely as she has very changeable behaviour and some things are just not worth approaching and makes us both feel that we have to do a lot more to make up for her shortcomings.
Thanks for the rant and any advice on coping is very welcome!
Welcome to the site!
Always nice to welcome a new UK member! I'm sorry to say that there is no way you are going to be able to make any difference to how BM handles her child, so you may as well put that notion right out of your head, as it will only cause you stress. You yourself, shouldn't be putting yourself out to look after SS - he has two (presumably) able bodied parents to do this. It would be good to know how much time he is with you, and how much with BM. Regardless - it is your DH's job to either look after him, himself, or get paid help to do it. Do not give BM any opportunity to be rude to you. I would block her on your phone and on any social media. Your DH should handle all communications with her.
Thanks Kes
Thanks Kes
I know her behaviour is totally out of my control, I'm looking more for ways to cope with it and other's stories! She is very rude about me to my DH, we have no direct contact, which I am very happy with! DH does look after him and he is very good with him but gets side tracted with his dislike of BM. We have SS every other weekend and 2 evenings in the week, so it's a fair amount and we've also had a lot of double weekends recently to accommodate her plans. He is a boystrous, excitable, on-the-go kid, so I understand that he is hard work and that she might be tired, but I just don't think that's a good enough excuse.
We are logging everything she does/ doesn't do and everytime she deviates from the consent order. DH is planning on going for more custody, but it's a long term plan.
Your DH doesn't pick his
Your DH doesn't pick his battles wisely. He's lazy and doesn't want to deal with the fallout.
That's the blunt truth about it. My DH also likes to claim a lot of things as "picking battles" but the truth is that a lot of what he has done has been out of laziness, whether it be physical laziness or him mentally shutting down because it deals with BM.
You combat this by not allowing it to be your problem. Don't babysit. Don't chauffeur. Don't feed, bathe, or tuck in at night. Your DH needs to grow his parenting muscles, and he's not going to do that by letting BM get away with everything and you picking up where BM and your DH leave off.
Put your foot up his rear and tell him that he can't blame it all on BM and you're not a replacement mom, so he better start figuring things out. Otherwise, you'll be stuck doing all the parental duties for both parents and have an unruly teen who hates your guts because they're mad that their parents don't care about them enough.
Yeah, SS is not your
Yeah, SS is not your responsibility. Although I know it's really hard to sit back when you actually want to handle the little boy. Because there is a lot of joy parenting, even with a kid who isn't your blood. Just make sure if your DH accepts your help, or encourages it, make it clear to him that you have a say in all of this. It makes me sad when you said "I have no say." If that's what you're being told and acted out, then opt out when DH has his child. The suddent absence of you will jolt him to realizing how valuable you are and should make him understand that if you're going to be involved, he can't be the one to pick how you're involved. Either you're invovled and you're both having say, or you're not invovled.
That's also annoying BM speaks to DH's parents. Wtf is that? Like the others have said, DH is not putting in the emotional effort to set boundaries to honor you. Let him know loud and clear what isn't ok with you and he should be working with you.
We had and still have this
We had and still have this issue with our BM and SD. Write down everything that happens. Your BM is neglecting her baby and then micromanaging your care of the child. I wouldn't dream of putting my baby son (similar age to your SS) in dirty clothes, what is BM thinking?!
Everything should be written down, including where she violates the CO. If your DH can't get BM to get off her arse and parent her child, then maybe the courts/child services will.
Hi Bex_S,
Hi Bex_S,
Thanks for replying. Yes we keep a log of everything she does/ doesn't do and everytime she deviates from the CO. Thing is, how bad does it have to get before the courts do something about it. Added to this she has narcissistic personality disorder, so says a lot of the right things but lacks the action.
Ultimately, I just want what is best for SS, I was the same kid in my own parent's seperation, NPD included, so I know how difficult it can be.
Are you in the US or UK? We
Are you in the US or UK? We're in the UK and I know US laws can differ from UK's, and even state to state. You could seek the advice of a solicitor/lawyer to see where you stand.
I'm in the UK and DH has
I'm in the UK and DH has already been down the court route to get the initial court order in place but every week BM pushes it. Just lots of little things, asking to change the time and place of pick up. Most of the time it's only by half a hour, but I wrote down all the times she's pushed the rules of the CO since it was put in place in September '19 and and no joke, it was 9 pages long!
Obviously we can't prove what she does or doesn't do in her own home and SS isn't old enough to communicate it. They have a book that they pass between each other with information about SS, and every time she describes a kid that we do not experience. Irritable, whingey, not sleeping...we generally don't experience that kid!
It's not going to get any
It's not going to get any better, I'll tell you that.
BM left SD at 9 months and hasn't had much to do with her since then. She's 8 now - lived with DH full-time since 9 months and I moved in around 2 years old. She now calls me "mom" and BM only sees her in the summer.
I'll say... Leave a lot of the work up to DH, as you've been told, because parenting a toddler of YOUR OWN is hard, let alone someone else's. You will end up resentful if you do everything. And don't worry about BM micromanaging what you both do in your household. If she wanted to be in control, she would have her child with her more.
I don't think she will be very involved as the child gets older. I have my own 2.5 year old son and I'm JUST starting to feel comfortable not seeing him for 8 hours if I'm away for the day. Ever since he was born, I feel physically and mentally off when I'm away from him for more than 3 or so hours. It's strange, but as a mother, you feel weird being away from your baby. If she's fine with missing time with him now at 18 months old, it's only going to get worse.
sushinex, that's really
sushinex, that's really interesting that you say you don't think she will be very involved. DH left when SS was 3 months old and initially had him every weekend, so I have thought the same thing before. Las summer BM kicked off about me and DH going on holiday without SS, and then insisted on seeing him for a few hours whilst he was with us over the Xmas season as 5 days was too long to go without seeing him. We've just booked a holiday with SS for a week and she's not batted an eyelid. She really does pick and choose!
According to DH, may or may not be true, but he would do all the night feeds when she had stopped breast feeding, after 6 weeks I'm told, then spend all day at work, come home and cook dinner for the two of them and then she'd head back to bed again. I also found out that SS was 1 month old before she took him outside....! I actually her losing interest would be the best thing tbh. At least when he's with us we know he's looked after, stimulated and clean!
Unfortunately you can not control BM
Your DH is the kids father, he shoild parent him. You should not try to make up for BM. It's all on DH
Oh hell no! Time to rain
Oh hell no! Time to rain hellfire and misery down on this POS BM.
Immediately cut off all support for anything but CS. When BM calls for help of any kind the answer is "No. This is your time to care for and provide for your son so it is time for you to step up and adult. We pay you CS to care for him while he is with you so start doing what we pay you to do."
Any time SS arrives from BM dirty, sick, stinky, etc.... immediately document it in a journal and with photographs and take him to his Pediatrician to get an official re ord of her crappy parenting.
Far too many CP breeders seem to be in the prostitution on the payment plan industry. Your BM seems to be one of these jewels.
smh
Good luck protecting this unfortunate little boy from his gem of a BM.
Very sad
That poor kid!
Our BM has been a miserable biotch, for almost the entire 5 plus years Ive been with DH. But something pushes her to a rage, and she sais horrible vil things. DH is used to it, I do not tolerate that chit. So we have no contact her and I.
I would reiterate that you should not try to be the "fill in mother", I did that and believe me, you will not win any awards or gold stars. My Sd13 is a kind respectful child, but I make certain to remind everyone that she has 2 parents and Im not it. When it comes down to things that a parent should do.
I do help out quite a bit, but I only do what I CHOOSE to do.
Click. End of vile BM biotch.
Click. End of vile BM biotch.
We learned this when SpermGrandHag would go on a rant. Nothing pisses off a shreeking banshee more than a hang up.
Cut BM off. Let her simmer in her own vitriolic juices.
Lather, rinse, repeat.