Boyfriends son ruining our relationship
I need urgent advice. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He went through a nasty divorce that dragged on and on. I had a good relationship with his son, now 7, until the past few months. His son has ADHD and is not medicated (mother refuses to allow) and has severe behavioral issues. I accepted his son since day one.
Unfortunately, BM is completely bad-mouthing me and I believe this is causing some of the disrespect his son has towards me. My bf states that I am not to argue or reprimand his son and to let him handle it. However, there are often other distractions and other kids to care for so his son often disrespects me then lies about it. Yesterday, he talked back to me and dad didn't hear it. I proceeded to handle the issue myself and ended up being the bad guy as dad reprimanded me right in front of him, thus giving his son satisfaction and power over the situation.
We had plans to get married but now I am being accused of not accepting his son. I've stated that I accept his son but will not accept or tolerate disrespect, his mouth, the lying and complete rudeness. Now I'm told that I need counseling until I can learn to calm down and let him handle it. I've been told that marriage is not a possibility until I can learn to walk away quietly instead of trying to instill discipline.
I do not believe this behavior is solely due to his ADHD. That excuse has been over-used. I have experience with ADHD with both adults and my own brother. This disrespect is not about that.
I work full time, pay half the bills, have made numerous sacrifices and compromises for him and these children. Now I'm told there are "conditions" to us getting married? His son is now running the show. I love these kids and have zero problems with the younger children. I don't have kids and I am really tired of him using the excuse of "you never had kids so you don't know what parenting is like". I worked in day cares, babysat since age 7, cared for young family members, etc. I can see inconsistent parenting, that is simple and identifiable as a third party looking in. He states he is tired much of the time so doesn't want the added conflict of me and his son's "bickering". My view is that his son should never talk back to an adult. There cannot be bickering if the behavior is dealt with immediately and he is punished. I'm told "you are the adult, don't engage him" but there is no way I am going to sit by and let a child demean and disrespect me in my own home. I told him today that I will no longer be around his son until the behavior is modified. Thus, that isolates me from bonding with the other kids. I'm damned either way.
This kid is bullying me and I feel like I've bent over backwards so far that I'm about to break. Help!
First off, I am so glad they
First off, I am so glad they are not medicating the poor boy. As having knowledge in some pharmacology, I know the fatal repercussions of putting children on psychotropic medications.
You are not the child's mother. Your boyfriend is trying to set some boundaries it seems, which is not wrong. When it comes to disciplining someone else's child, you need to have a understanding between yourself and the child's biological parents. Seeing as the mother is not comfortable with you, or despises you, it isn't a good idea to step in. It may cause more issues. Personally, I do not discipline my step kids. It is not my place nor responsibility. Any time I have a issue, I tell them to sit on their bed and wait to have their father talk to them.
It is a remarkable difference from babysitting to actually having children of your own. I am 24 years old, I was left responsible of my nephew at the age of 12 which led to me getting full custody when I was 18. He is now happily home with his parents. In any case, you should really work with each other as a team.
Yep, I'm beginning to feel
Yep, I'm beginning to feel the same way. He shows absolutly NO respect for me when Im striving to teach HIS daugter to be a good, wholesome young lady. Hell, he smoke MJ by Dr.s orders so he has a release/excape...but I on the other hand am trying my hardest to raise her. But his MJ smoking is fogging his perception in parenting. (not that he has raised ANY of his children) and when I try to point out the signs of deception or wrongdoing...I again become the villian.
If BF can't bring the child
If BF can't bring the child under control and require him to show respect to any adult in his life, there is no hope for success here. You do not have to accept abuse from a child. This will not improve. Cut your losses.