Can't Make up my mind if I want a Child with DH
Hi everyone,
I just stumbled on this site and am beyond grateful for finding it. I need support and advise on what top do from people in my situation.
I have been dating my man for almost 2 years and he has 3 kids- SS11, SD 13, SD5. Two come from his ex-wife of 10 years ago while the SD5 comes from an ex girlfriend. I am 31 while he is 46. When we first started dating, I told him I always wanted to have kids and having at least one would have to be an option if we were to date seriously. He said he thought long and hard on it and agreed he would reverse his vasectomy have a child with me. We moved in very quickly ( perhaps foolishly) and I was thrown into the step-mom role. We have the kids 50% of the time. As we know, the learning curve is very steep and at times, I felt as of I was losing myself. The sacrifices we make at step moms is great.The kids are wonderful - and they love me. I love them as well although at times I wrestle with jealousy and loneliness. I want them to be my own biological children and treat them as such.
Fast forward a year, and DH and I argue a lot. He is very much Type A and strict with the kids ( overly so I think) and I am very much a free spirit and unorganized. DH was also diagnosed with MS about 6 months ago. His eagerness to have a child with me waned and given his medical situation, his parenting style, and his sheer exhaustion with his own kids, I was doubtful it would work as well. I don't want to be a single parent, especially after seeing how hard it really is with his 3. I told DH I couldn't have a child with him and he agreed he didn't really want another and I have tried to make his own enough for me. But as time goes on, I am getting resentful, lonely and anxious. I get angry at fun family outings and lose my patience as I see all of them having fun with DH and I am reminded again they are not mine. When the kids come over, I am tired instantly and almost depressed. I still give them everything I have and sacrifice my soul my them but I look forward to when they go sometimes. DH often tells me this is what a "family" is and this is what it would be like even if they were mine but I firmly believe it would be different. I would not be a t war myself. Does this longing to be a mother fade as time goes by? DH and I are set to retire in 10-15 years ( he is a VP and I also have a good career), be child free and move to Europe. All sounds wonderful right? Except I cant quite shake the feeling that I will seriously regret not having my own. Add on top of everything the stress that comes with dealing with the ex's, sometimes selfish kids, a 5 year old that has way too much energy I am overwhelmed. DH believes strongly in traditional roles ( men and woman) and a very clean house. I wrestle with this also on a daily basis as I am a girl who likes a bit of clutter and a million pillows and "homey" comfort. DH and I are at a cross roads. I cry thinking of leaving this family, my family, for one of the unknown. I see now why 50% of ppl divorce after kids. It is stressful and thankless at times. DH is a wonderful man. Ive never felt so loved and cared for. My heart hurts and I need advice.
Thanks so much for the reply.
Thanks so much for the reply. I guess my struggle arise from 2 years ago I was 100% certain I would have kids and actually could not wait for my turn and my day that I would be a mother. Even entering this relationship, I was 100% positive we would have a child. Now I feel my hand has been forced somewhat to decide not to have one given our relationship has changed and I can see he really does not desire any more children. If I decide, yes, I need a child of my own - I would have to leave this relationship and find what I am looking for in someone else. DH even admits he would understand if I had to leave given that in the beginning he did promise me one child. I wanted 2 or 3 ( I come from a large family) but comprised with only being given the option of one. Now my option is none and I am resentful.
I know how you feel, I also
I know how you feel, I also was torn on having children with DH. He did get a vasectomy for me a year after marriage when I was 30, but I never got pregnant. Fast forward three years and my husband is a functioning alcoholic that travels a lot for work and his bio-son has various neurological conditions, some which see to me hereditary (father-in-law exhibits them as well) and I simply wondered if I could handle another special needs kid or if I even wanted to raise a child with a husband that has these issues but I never had bc and never got pregnant. About a year and half ago I decided I'd try fertility treatments (because that motherly pull is SO strong) and was diagnosed with severe endometriosis and had surgery for it back in Feb. and also have very low progesterone. So now even with special treatments I can't even get pregnant. I try to make my skids "my kids" but they aren't caring or considerate like me and act so foreign to me sometimes that its very difficult for me to truly love them the way I feel a bio-mom would. All I'm saying is you could leave this family if it really is making you that sad, but you never know if things will be the same or perhaps worse if you move on. You may have kids, but you may not with someone new. It may be a while before you find love again and you may be too old for biokids and then you will kick yourself for not taking the chance you once had with a man you already loved. I cannot say what you should do, there are good reasons for both sides, but IF I were you I would stay. Early retirement sounds nice and maybe your life will be fulfilling in other ways that you didn't imagine and you will only deal with the stressed of motherhood 50% of the time.
I'm sorry that you didn't get
I'm sorry that you didn't get to have kids- in a way your decision was made for you. Your right- you can get used to almost anything. Unfortunately for me, I must make a choice, and soon.
Thank you! I have to give DH
Thank you! I have to give DH credit- he is the one that told me he was worried about not being around given his age and medical diagnosis. He asked me if I was ready to be a single mom to which I replied absolutely not. That was never my "white picket fence" dream.
In terms of how ,much regret I will have, its seems to vary greatly. I think Ill always hurt and regret at least a small amount, but some days I cant imagine letting such an amazing man go and other days ( hard days) I cant imagine my life as it is now and the heartache and sacrifices not being for at least one of my own. DH has told me that imagine having kids but they never leave. My rebuttal is it would be different if they were mine. He disagrees. He very much has a separate life from his kids and values it highly. He does not ever want his kids to rule his life. In a way I admire it as when we have the kids I worry for them and am constantly cooking, cleaning, homework, playing. DH says I spoil them but given his strict parenting style ( actually BM is strict as well) i think they deserve a little fun relaxed time. He tells me 50% of spouses will divorce or cheat after kids are born as the mother usually forgets all about her husband. I think he is either A) The smartest man alive and knows the true key to happiness or
Misguided .
It's not your DH's fault that
It's not your DH's fault that he has MS, so you can't blame him for going back on his word regarding having a child. It would be the same as if you had to have a hysterectomy.
Something in your post that jumped out at me is it sounds like the two of you have very different parenting styles.
I would caution you against having children with someone who does not agree with your style of parenting. Trust me, it was one of the reasons I had to divorce my children's father.
Thanks Amber. I do not blame
Thanks Amber. I do not blame DH in any way for his medical diagnosis and it is me that makes all doctors appointments, MRI scans , and talk to his neurologist ( as i too am in the medical field). On the flip side of the coin, I cant be judged for thinking long and hard what his diagnosis will mean for me and given the blessing, his child with me.
Yes, our vastly different parenting styles does cause a lot of tension and heartache. I think of this often. Right now when he is yelling at the kids and I disagree and walk away, I have solace in that they are not my kids and he is to parent as he sees fit- given the fact he has raised them on his own for a very long time ( with BM). But if it was my own son or daughter, I'm not too sure if I could stand by and let him parent in the same way. This would not sit too well with him.
Okay, thanks for clarifying.
Okay, thanks for clarifying. I understand you are just working out your feelings about him having MS and that affecting your ability to have kids. And no, I don't judge you for that at all. You are right to feel the way you do.
But don't think just because the child is your bio that you will be able to stop him from parenting the way he wants. Any children that the two of you have together will still be his bio and even if you speak up because she's your bio, that does not guarantee he will listen to what you have to say.
My exH would undermine me with our daughter. I wanted my children to have chores and learn the value of hard work. He said I was making her a slave. Hard to make your daughter respect you when he would say this right in front of her. I believed in spanking, he didn't. Again, hard to make a child mind when you can't discipline them properly.
Granted, there were other big reasons for our divorce, but differences in parenting also contributed to the divorce as well.
You have the opportunity NOW to see what kind of parent he is, something I didn't have. Don't think he'll parent any kids the two of you have together any differently from the ones he already has.
I am very sorry about your
I am very sorry about your husband's diagnosis and your entire situation.
Please think of the child you would be bringing into the world, as well. Your husband is 46, has MS, and does not really want another child.
I have similar feelings about
I have similar feelings about whether or not I should have a child with my husband. But my fear is that one our parenting styles are different, he lets his son get by with pretty much everything, and two I feel like he will play favoritism to his son because he is his first born & even though the bio parents weren't together very long before they divorced & we have been together longer than they were, my husband tries to compensate for time lost in the past between them & for the divorce. But I definitely think I would regret it if I did not at least try my hardest to have my own child. Being a step parent is very hard, you sacrifice so much & rarely ever get the respect you deserve. You put up with the ex, the child, the husband, being thrown in the middle of all 3, being disrespected by all 3 at times, being expected to care for the child, pay for the childs expenses, clean up their messes, take care of their every need, yet most of the time have no say so in disciplining, and get no respect from anyone & do not get recognition as a parent, although you are one, in my opinion more of one than most BIO parents because you are doing things you DONT have to!! Hope this doesn't come off the wrong way. I truly love my husband & my SS but I think there could be a lot more respect from both. And I think people take for granted step parents in so many ways! The sad part is, my husband has been a step parent in the past but its like he has forgotten how challenging it can be at times.
This is so tough, and I'm
This is so tough, and I'm sorry that you are going through this! Like others have said, no one can tell you what you want... but I would question this to you. You said that you could not be a single mom, but how about being alone? Not that that is a reason to have a child (EVER) but it is something to think about as well. Yes, he may miss out on some of it, but I bet that child would still be happy to have had some time with Dad before things went south. And things have come a long way with MS, he seems like they caught it decently young for him. That is huge with MS. If he continues to do the treatments it may be a very long while before things go south. But I think with his condition his wants, as always, are huge to consider.
I don't think that having or not having children will be regretable. You will be happy with whatever you choose. Living in Europe... man people dream of that life.
DH and I would have been 38 when his youngest was 18 (he had kids at 16). That means we could be doing whatever we want at 40. But we chose to have a kid, I'm currently pregnant. And there are days that I wonder if we made the right call. YES I will be so in love with my baby that it is ridiculous, and I know it was the right decision.... but the other life would have been fantastic too.
I rambled a lot, but I guess I'm just trying to say there are so many factors in your life- you can't make yourself sick over what is the right decision. Only you and DH can decide, and you may never know if it was the right call. <3
This one is very tough and
This one is very tough and the cards are not in your favor with so many different issues going on here. BUT- if you want a child, DON'T GIVE THAT UP. Not for him, not for anyone, not because he was unfortunate enough to get sick.
I gave it all up, and trust me.... the SKids will NEVER be yours, they will NEVER fill that yearning, and you will be full of raging resentment of what you gave up.
Run now, you are still young. Run while you still can.
I am of the mind that people
I am of the mind that people either want kids or they don't.
If you can't decide if you want one with DH or not then you are in the don't column.
Combined with the rest of your struggles I would avoid having a child with this man at all costs.
If you have a kid with him then whether you stay together or not your child will suffer with the crap that his prior relationship baggage brings to your marriage and household.
I do not have any BioKids. I love kids but I have no regrets of not having any of my own. My DW nearly died during her pregnancy with SS-21 and I would not jeopardize her life or health for a BioKid. SS was 15mos old when his mom and I met and we married a week before he turned 2. I raised him as my own just as you seem to be doing with yours.
I probably have had an easier time of it than you have because we only have one and your 3 are much older than my SS was when we started our blended family adventure.
I think you have a choice. Are you married to DH to spend your lives together or is not having a BK a deal breaker? If you married DH to spend the rest of your life with him then get to where you need to be to not feel that the absence of a BK of your own will cause you to feel that you are missing something.
Keep in mind your DH has MS and adding the stress of a pregnant wife, an infant, the financial strain (though it sounds as if you both have careers that could more than comfortably fund it) of a new child and the invariable increase in blended family drama that would come with a pregnancy for you and DH would likely not be good for his health or the prognosis of his condition.
All IMHO of course.