Choose stress, or leave?
I know it seems the decision should be clear-cut. My boyfriends life is so complicated, so full of stress. There are issues that will never go away, his (horrible) children will always be in his life, he has no choice about that. His dysfunctional, manipulative, lying ex will also always be in his life because of the kids. He will always struggle with depression. His divorce has taken 2 1/2 years of work to get to this point...and it's not even finalized yet. So much dysfunction on his side. But I feel like it's all from his previous life, from the ex, from the kids. When it's just us two we're so good. When they get involved, I feel like running away. I'm so tired of putting in effort to help his kids function. I'm tired of being stressed out from all the b.s. from his ex and his kids. I wish we could live separate lives, but together. But I know that's not possible, either choose to be in, or out, right?
So my question is mainly to people who are in or who've been in this situation. Can it get better? Or should I cut it with the stress and leave now? Can major issues be resolved, and is love enough? Or will the stress take over the love and ruin everything?
To those who chose to stay in a situation like this, do you regret it?
I really think you should
I really think you should read this. http://markmanson.net/love
IT's called Love is Not Enough. It was very eye opening for me when I was struggling with the same things. His key points are 1) Love does not equal compatibility. 2) Love does not solve your relationship problems. and 3) Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself.
Please read the link . This is my favorite paragraph. This article was life changing for me
Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love.
You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.
But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.
Love is a wonderful experience. It’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.
But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.
Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.
Thank you NoWire! This helped
Thank you NoWire! This helped me too.
I literally saw your post and
I literally saw your post and read that article you suggested in the midst of a 2-day argument (where nothing was actually resolved) about whether to stay together or call it. I needed this. You have no idea how much I needed this. Thank you.
The longevity of a
The longevity of a relationship isn't predicted by you getting along when it's just the two of you. It's how a couple deals with kids, jobs, in laws, busted pipes..... how you deal with LIFE, together, that predicts whether you'll make it or not. Any two people can get along in private with no one else around.
Sometimes I laugh at how
Sometimes I laugh at how ridiculous I seem... very true what you've said:)
hey there...what would you
hey there...what would you consider better?when you ask if it will get better? if by better you mean perfect, or as good as a new couple without baggage, then IMOH, the answer is no...and if you mean something else, it depends what efforts your SO puts into sheltering you from the outside stress ie: crazy wife, kids, as you mention, again in my opinion.
I can't tell you if you should go or leave, but I can tell you to think long and hard, and be honest and realistic with yourself...nevermind that you love him, can you, or do you want to live like this? Can you accept/be happy with this life?for years to come? I agree with others, love is not enough, and long term, it's not the only element of consideration...sometimes it takes us years to realize this...good luck
I agree with this. If the
I agree with this. If the effort is there by your SO to shelter you from those parts of his life, it becomes much more manageable. My boyfriend used to be very much of the attitude that everything was "ours", which is a lovely idea in principle but included all those facets of HIS life that I really did not sign up for. He's since learned that he does need to shelter me from many things. Your boyfriend comes as a package, end of story. But do not be afraid to set boundaries for yourself, so important!!!