The Dreaded Holidays Yet Again!
So before I tell you the current situation allow me to give you a little background information. #1. My DH is an only child and SD7 is the only "precious grandchild". #2. My in laws live literally three minutes away and my family lives about an hour away. I see my family on Easter and on Christmas. We see DH's parents several times a week.
So yesterday MIL asks me to go out to lunch. I wasn't under the impression that it was for any actual reason but just because she just wanted to go. So we are eating lunch and suddenly MIL starts going off about how she thinks the Holidays need to go this year. She is highly selfish when it comes to SD7 being at her mom's house for any holidays. The bottom line is that she will never be happy unless SD7 does not see her mom on holidays, which her Dad and I both agree is not what's best for SD7. MIL's rants about how we have the more stable home and SD7 needs to be with us full time instead of half time is like beating a dead horse. I'm so sick and tired of hearing it. BM is an idiot but is not detrimental to SD7 and SD7 adores her baby sister at BM's house. It is not my or DH's intention to start a custody battle for absolutely no reason. We have no court ordered custody agreement, we make a monthly schedule based on all of our work schedules and commitments. It works for everyone except MIL.
Anyway, the way that we usually go about Christmas is that SD7 starts out at one of our houses and then at lunch time we switch. If we have SD7 in the morning, we open gifts here and head straight to MIL's house. We spend a couple of hours there because that's how long it takes SD7 to open the mountains of gifts, then take her to BM's at noon. (In-laws have bottomless bank account and it takes several trips with our suburban to get all of SD7's x-mas gifts home). If we get SD at lunchtime, then again she opens gifts when she gets to our house and we head straight to MIL's house. We then haul all of the crap back to our house and at dinner time head to my families annual party for a couple of hours. We end up spending the same amount of time with both sides of the family despite the fact that I only see my family a couple of times the entire year.
So at lunch yesterday MIL proceeds to tell me that she and FIL need to be invited to my side of the families annual party. Now let me also tell you that my side of the family is not people who I am actually related to. They are a large family of childhood friends of my fathers. I do not speak to the family that I'm related for separate reasons. It has been like this for years and years. I don't think it's my place to tell people that they need to be inviting my In-Laws to THEIR FAMILIES party in THEIR HOUSE! MIL does not ever host ANY events at her house because she does not cook or clean. They live in a gigantic stone mansion with a cleaning lady and eat dinner every night at the Country Club. Cooking would simply be below her.
I told her that if the party was at my Dad's house he would invite her, but these are not people that I'm biologically related to and I don't feel right inviting other people to a party that we are guests at. MIL was not pleased with that answer and demands that I ask they be invited to come along because DH is their only child and SD7 is their only grandchild and they need to be able to spend the entire day with us. Seriously, the more she crams herself down our throat the less I can stand her.
She then proceeds to start boohoo'ing because DH put a gift giving restriction on her because her gifting to SD7 was turning her into a huge brat. We couldn't get out of a store without a nuclear meltdown about her getting something, and we don't have a bottomless bank account the way that MIL does. Anyway, in-laws are taking SD7 to NYC for several days right after Christmas simply because she wanted to go. They're announcing to her on Christmas that they are taking her on a shopping spree for a day. Basically SD7 will walk around NYC for the day and anything she points to will be purchased, there are no limits. MIL is distraught because she feels as if though if she buys SD7 Christmas gifts that it is going to upset my DH because of the NYC trip and DH will think she is going overboard. WELL WOULDN'T MOST PEOPLE? We don't need multiple suburban loads of gifts when you're leaving the next day for NYC shopping sprees. But MIL claims that doesn't work for her and it's her money and she can buy SD as many gifts as she wants.
I absolutely cannot stand this woman. I cannot stand the way that SD7 is doted over. This kid has no grasp of the real world and thinks that everyone is put on this earth to serve her helpless ass and make things that she wants just appear. I could give ten thousand examples of the extreme and quite frankly disgusting ways that MIL dotes on SD but you've probably been reading for long enough. I can't wait until the Holidays are over. Already tired of hearing it!
I'm sorry that you live
I'm sorry that you live through the same crap that I do but also so relieved to hear that someone else understands what I go through! Some days it really makes me question how MUCH I love DH for me to even bother dealing with this crap. MIL admits herself that as a child she never wanted for anything, and she can only think of one occasion that her mother told her no about something but after throwing a fit her mother caved and gave it to her. She sees nothing wrong with that. She then married my FIL who took care of her for the rest of her life, she never held a job or got an education. She thinks that since SD is a girl that she should be doted on and be girly and always dressed in new clothing. The clothing gifts got so out of control that we were donating brand new clothing with tags on it because SD7 couldn't wear them all before she outgrew them. It pisses DH and I off because we make ends meet but we do not have money to just throw away. SD7 does not ever play with any toys. She has an entire finished room in our basement that is completely full of everything Barbie, and she has not been down there in probably close to a year. MIL tries to fill this entire house up with endless amounts of stuff that never gets played with or used. It's like a slap in the face to us that we have thousands of brand new clothes and toys that get donated when we could've used that money for something we actually needed. It's incredible frustrating. SD also has no concept of money or how much all of that stuff costs, which is a serious concern for those of us who live in the real world!
It also doesn't help that when BM cheated on DH and took off that DH had to rely on MIL to help watch SD. You should have seen how full this house was when I first moved in. It took months to sort out all of the stuff that SD had either outgrown or didn't play with. You literally could not sit on our couch. We have a gigantic sectional that takes up 2/4 walls in our living room. It was so piled up with stuffed animals that you barely could see it.
MIL admits that she "probably" went overboard with gifting to SD because she felt that she needed to "make her feel better" about the divorce. SD was a baby when it happened, she doesn't even remember her parents being together. MIL says that she is sure SD feels unloved by her grandparents now that the gifting restrictions are in place. Trying to tell her that SD's love shouldn't be based on STUFF is like talking to a wall!
So jealous that your in laws live across the country!
Overbearing is an
Overbearing is an understatement. It's a rare occasion that I'm available for lunch but I believe that it will become even more rare now!
DH has tried and tried to fight the gift beast. It's an ongoing battle. I try to stay out of it but sometimes DH needs backup! And you're right, if she knew anything about our sex life she would have an opinion on that too. She has an opinion on every aspect of how we live our life, decorate our house, who we spend time with, how DH parents SD, SD's custody schedule, etc. It never ends. The fact that she has no responsibilities besides to get her hair done every Friday means she has plenty of time to sit around and decide how we should be living our life.
I have told her many times about how I do not want to hear about BM. She now starts every conversation about her with "I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT BUT..." LOL.
She really is terrible. I have told DH that before I met him I looked forward to having a MIL because my own mother died when I was young. Boy do I take that back!
We already limit our
We already limit our interactions with them as much as possible. She complains that before I was in the picture she saw DH and SD for dinner every single week. This is true, the part she doesn't realize is that it was because DH didn't cook and had no money to eat out on his own, so he either went to dinner with them or ate snacks for dinner LOL. We rarely eat out because I cook every night. MIL complains we don't ever have them over for dinner. Tried that but when she comes over we also get a home inspection to ensure that everything is where she thinks it should be and then she wants to hang around for hours until DH kicks them out. It's a bigger headache than it's worth.
I've brought up to DH him just cutting them out for a while so that she gets the big picture but he won't do it. Honestly, she is the type that would take DH to court to for grandparents rights or some shit. She is a huge pain in the ass and she thinks that she is SD's parent, not grandparent. I think DH is too scared to try and cut them out although he would love to not have to deal with her.
Ha! Well if NYC seems like a
Ha! Well if NYC seems like a stretch, the next place that SD wants to go is Paris. Last year it was Hawaii and Disneyland for two weeks
This also is not the first
This also is not the first trip to NYC for SD. When she was 4 they took her up there for several days and she came home with jewelry from Tiffany's. I'm telling you, it's so out of touch with reality it's unbelievable!
What if you used the
What if you used the extravagant gift giving to teach SD about giving. Let her know that there is only XYZ room in her room/playroom/ garage/wherever she keeps her toys - and ask her to go through all the gifts and her current stash and pick the ones she wants to keep.
you could have her begin the process before Xmas and then donate the toys. I know that I have a friend that is involved in a foster children's organization (as she's adopted two brothers after fostering them) and says they are always in need of clean clothes and toys for all ages. Given the amount of gifts lavished on your SD, I'm sure most everything is in nearly unused condition.
This is exactly what we did
This is exactly what we did last year! Worked like a charm at keeping mass amounts of things from piling up but sends MIL over the edge!
I would give anything to be
I would give anything to be able to move. Anything.
I have serious debates in my own head about whether a child will be in my future or not. I would rather not have one at all that have one that ends up entitled and spoiled by a whacko grand parent. There are just so many layers of issues here. If she kicked off tomorrow DH and I would start trying the next day!
It's really sad that in a scenario like ours that most of our stress and drama doesn't come from BM, at least that would be normal. Instead it's gotta be from DH's own mother!