Excluded from "Family " Conversations - ok or no?
I have been involved with the BD for 8 years, married to him for 6 years. The BM has committed her life to her kids, which she defines as having no relationships outside of her kids.
In the next few months my SD will have to start applying to universities. My husband does not feel I should be involved in these conversations with her, about where to apply, taking a year or so off of school entirely, who burdens the costs and what they are. He feels it should just be " family" there. His ex wife, him and his daugther. Although, any financial commitment he makes, impacts me too.
He has done this to me before, and knows how much it hurts me to feel excluded. I feel if he wants me to be member of the " family " every other day of the week, then when decisions are made, I should be involved. Heck, maybe I have some good input or ideas to add! But, he really likes to keep his kids at an arms length from me, and likes to try to do things with just his ex wife and them. in fact, I don't have the best relationship with them. We are good, but not close. My husband made sure of that, to pretty much take all of his time he gets with them to himself without including me.
Am I being petty? Should I just say, yes, this doesn't include me, I am not a member of the family per se? Or should I try to stand up for myself? Any thoughts are appreciated.
If it affects you in any way
If it affects you in any way then, yes, you should be included.
I would expect that he has a
I would expect that he has a conversation with me first about finances etc, BEFORE he sits down with BM and SD. I wouldn't want to be part of any discussions with BM but I'd expect DH to be on the same page with me before he agreed to anything that affected me financially.
The larger issue here is that he doesn't think of you as "family". Why have you put up with being treated like this for so long? He does things with BM and the kids and leaves you out? No wonder you feel excluded. You are.
I agree.. the only thing that
I agree.. the only thing that you should need to fully understand is that he will not agree to anything that will impact you in the future.. financially or otherwise. like... they don't get to agree for SD to go to Uni in your town and live at your home FT for 4 years. He doesn't get to promise to let her go to the expensive private school which will leave him no money to pay his share of bills.. making you subsidize her.
Otherwise.. I understand that you probably may have some valid input via experiences etc.. but he has firmly told you that he doesn't want you part of the discussion with his child and EX. If you want to share some of these ideas with him before the meeting.. that is great... but you don't have to be sitting at the table necessarily. As your husband, he should be able to protect the interests of your home and you.
It seems DH has a long
It seems DH has a long history of excluding you. I'd sit DH down right now and discuss your household finances. Make it clear that any financial contribution he promises his daughter does not lessen his contribution to your shared household. He also needs to understand that if he cosigns loans, and SD defaults (or dies), he is on the hook, and that they will garnish his social security if necessary.
While DH may exclude you from a conversation with his daughter, he cannot exclude you from a financial conversation with him.
So this is how I would handle
So this is how I would handle that:
DH, I understand you view this a a 'first family' thing, fine. So be it. However, since I am not being included I need to have my financial interests protected. I am opening a new checking account and we will keep things seperate from now on. We will be splitting the household costs 50/50, so I expect that as you are making these plans with your ex that you keep in mind that you have a responsibility to our home and marriage as well.
Thank you for Input
Thank you for everyone who has given input. I agree with all of you. I have had a really hard time navigating this whole Step Mum thing, especially since my DH changes his mind about how he wants things to be so often. We used to live around the corner from them, then we had to move about 3 hours away. My DH goes and sees them either every weekend or every other weekend, depending on their schedule. He stays at his parents house when he goes. Before we moved, he didn't want me too involved in their lives ( I would do dinner, go to soccer games etc - but, never involved in any kind of talk of any kind - as he said they were too young, it was too new an experience to have a step mum etc ), Then when we moved away he used the excuse the because he only got to see them on the weekends, he wanted that time to himself, and that they wanted that time alone with him. So I stopped going for visits, why? If I wasn't even invited to watch TV with them. Then he wanted me to go so I could have some involvement in their lives. When there was a death of a close family member last year, he wanted to tell the kids with just his ex wife, but, I pretty much demanded that I be there too - as a member of the family, shouldn't we all be there to discuss the tragedy? And when he is ex wife came to the funeral for his grandmother, he tried to tell me that the 3 of us all all parents to the kids and we are all family, so it's important the kids see us as a united front. But, when it comes time for other talks, I'm not to be included?
I've tried talking to DH, he just gets angry, doesn't see my side at all, and then shuts down.
I feel that if we are a " family " then important " family " discussions should take place together. And if we aren't a "family" then stop trying to make me a part of it, and I will exclude myself from their lives until they are adults and can make a decision for themselves.
Welcome to the site!
It does seem like your DH has a long history of excluding you, like a previous poster pointed out. Are you OK with this? Because I sure as hell wouldn't be. And all financial decisions that are going to impact you should be discussed with you first, before offering them up to SD/BM. And he travels away from you most weekends to be with college age kids? I definitely would not be OK with that either. BM can prostrate herself on the altar of her kids if she wants, but I don't see why you and your DH should.
IN some ways he he has done
IN some ways he he has done some things that benefit you.. he doesn't expect you to parent his kids etc... and that allows you to be disengaged to an extent. But, you should have input on things that impact your home and finances.. now, I don't know your financial arrangement.. who pays the bills.. what share etc.. You say the college decision will impact you financially.. in what way? will he expect you to pay a bigger share of household? or is it that he will take some of your income to pay her college?
Ideally, in situations where one partner has some big ticket financial obligations towards their children... separate finances work best. You and he decide the best split of household expenses.. and decide on some common goal spending perhaps for vacations or retirement.. then the balance of your money.. you each get to decide how to spend it.. he can spend it on his kid's education.. wedding.. whatever. you can buy a boat.. take a solo trip to india.. whatever. as long as you are both meeting your joint obligation and goals.. then the rest is up to each of you.
i actually somewhat agree that you don't need to have a seat at that table unless your personal checkbook is being opened up... not his.. yours. Sure.. you may have loads of experience with college.. but they are her parents.. and it isn't your responsibility to counsel her towards college. again.. if you have some ideas.. pass them by your DH so he can consider them as options.. but no.. you don't need to be at the table in person.. he represents your interest as your partner.
If you can't trust him to do that.. there are probably bigger issues.. and this is just asymptom.
Agree with the others -- you
Agree with the others -- you should be involved to the extent that it affects you.
But if you are "family" for some things, but not "family" for other things, then maybe it's time to make some changes. Are you "family" when it comes to buying gifts for them? Arranging holidays with them? Remembering birthdays? Helping them out, financially or otherwise? If so, I'd take a step back from that. All that responsibility belongs to DH.
I'd be ok with them not considering me "family." Doesn't mean you don't support DH's relationship with his kids and it doesn't mean you don't get along with them, but you no longer have any responsibility toward them. It's pretty freeing.
Immediately inform DH that
Immediately inform DH that you are his wife and if he wants to have reunions of his failed prior family and exclude you in decisions that will impact you and your marriage that he will find himself available to repeat his experiences with that failed family because his marriage to you will end.
That he does not consider you family make he and this marriage a write off IMHO.
DH needs to immediately stop making decisions with his feelings and start using his brain.
smh
Hell, no, you're not being
Hell, no, you're not being petty. You said he doesn't want you close to his kids--wow, and doesn't want you at the "family" meeting--are you not his family? It's my opinion that you get a divorce and find a real family. Sickening.
In my view, unless DH has
In my view, unless DH has saved extra money (outside whatever joint money you have and his contribution to any of your collective expenses and debts) and that is what he plans to use to cover uni for his daughter, you need to be part of the conversation. I agree with comments above that you and your DH also need to get on the same page before any conversation happens with SD and BM.
If you are not "family" then I sure hope that he ensures that you aren't burdened with any family requirements. That he pays extra for housing to cover any costs for this daugther and that he doesn't expect you to cover her food, clothes, etc while she is with you. I think there's a problem if he doesn't see you as part of the "family".
I agree with other posts. If
I agree with other posts. If it impact you in the slightest (i.e. you have to help support in anyway whether it be financially of physically helping get them to and from) you have a say!
I am currently battling that same type of situation in my life. My SD might be homeschooling due to the virues. Her parents are the ones to make that decision. However, I am the one that would have to homeschool her and told my DH that I have a say in how it happens since I still have a full time job (I am also the breadwinner but since I work in an open office I now work from home) and would have to meet her mother for drop off and pick up on her mothers scheduled time.
It is not easy but stand your ground! You have a say when it impacts your life!