Feeling Down
As posted my DH works offshore he is home for 3 weeks and gone for 3 weeks. We get SS the first and the last week he is home. Last week SS made some comments that made me start to feel resentment so I pretty much disengaged for the weekend and DH told me that he would sit down with me and spend time with me to watch the football game as BM was picking SS up for a birthday party - and even when we didn't have SS time has been limited due to crazy work task I have leading up to our conference next week. She said she would pick him up at 12-1 as she wanted to go early since it was one of her close friends even though the party didn't start until 4. BM calls at 2 to say she is running late and would be here within the hour well DH could tell I was getting irritated with SS as he would not be quiet and was just being annoying while I was trying to watch the game so he decided they would have guy time and he would come back after she picked SS up. I waited and was so happy that we were going to get time until 5:15ish rolls around and I get a call BM never picked SS up and SS kept asking about the part so DH went ahead and dropped him off as BM said she was turning on one of the main roads towards the party and like I said it was a close friend so DH trusted to leave SS there as SS has been to slipovers with the kids. I got depressed because I felt jipped because by this time it was hunting time for Dove which I don't go along with as it is DH and his buddies and they don't really like women being out there it is their time which I respect. Well DH showed up at like 7:45-8ish to sit down and spend time with me before we got SS back as there was no sit time BM would bring him back just in time for them to do a night hunt. It didn't fail he sat down and it's BM calling asking DH to meet her at the gas station down the road which is fine as I hate her coming to the house - she drives by when DH is at work and it creeps me out I say nothing because I know I have the means to defend myself but it makes me not want her over here.
Fast-forward DH, BIL0, SS5, SFIL all have a good hunt. Well Sunday we had obligation to go be social with family all day and by the time we got home I felt sick and so I laid down while SS and DH watched TV and then DH laid with me a little bit but he was determined to get something (kill) something during a night hunt before he left - I said okay whatever because honestly I just didn't feel like dealing with it and was sick to my stomach and my head was pounding that whether he was there or not it wouldn't help.
Yesterday SS got in trouble at school - I posted about in General Forums....and DH got onto him pretty bad and was so so mad that we even got into part of a argument because I went outside while they watched TV so that they could have good father/son time before DH leaves as he leaves at 0430 in the morning so SS goes back to BMs around 8ish tonight. He told me I didn't want to spend time with them blah blah blah and later apologized but I knew he was just really feeling guilty because he is about to leave and he knows he had to get onto SS....well apparently something was said this morning to guilt DH even more so DH checked with the teacher to see what they were doing this afternoon and picked SS up early (he is in Kindergarten)and just calls and tells me they are going ATV riding and he picked SS up. This kills me because I am working from home today for HIM. I figured since Saturday got messed up that maybe after he ran his errands and got his essentials for work he would come chill with me a little bit - it's not like I have any conference calls today I can sit my computer aside to spend a hour or so with him but apparently the guilt from having to punish SS, and not wanting to leave on a bad note seems more important.
I just feel so depressed as the whole summer was hell because BM was and it changed SS's attitude a lot so we had to deal with a kid we weren't used to and she pawned him off on us more - as they have a 4 hour clause which says DH has first right to watch SS - which also happened during out one weekend alone this time DH called to tell SS night at like 1030 on a Friday as we knew he would be staying up late and BM springs on him that SS wants to go to the gun show with us (something we told him no about) and that she had to deal with wedding stuff for one of her friends so either DH could take him or Ex-MIL who DH hates SS spending time with because she is the PAS queen would take him so needless to say half of OUR weekend we didn't even get. And now his last day I am not even getting a hour of him to myself (yes we have tonight but he will be packing something I hate and the night before he leaves is just always depressing anyways so I wanted to savor during the day moments) because he feels guilty.
I guess maybe I would understand we had our own kid, or I had my own but I don't. I want him and SS to have fun but I just I feel like the past 4 months I have had to savor little tiny moments and I want true special time with him. I do have it set up for next time he's home we are having a anniversary day - as the day after our anniversary so again it will be depressing and I know that no one can take that day away from me, or the day that we are doing a 5K walk just me and him that last Sunday - I just fear that his return will come with more PAS as BM and her boytoy broke up and she's all depressed again in the same mentality as she was when DH and I got together again that no one loves her and her family has been destroyed. I am trying to hold onto the excitement of our day coming up, and hoping with school more in session we can start getting our time back but I just feel so down.
I hate feeling second - and I really don't feel second a lot only maybe once every 6 months if that do I feel this depressed. I know that the stress of my upcoming conference and health issues is probably playing into the emotions but I just needed to get it all out. I know most of you don't understand the home and gone schedule but maybe y'all can at least relate with times being messed up and wishing there was more time.
When I starting dating my man
When I starting dating my man ( 3 kids), I read a few books about being a step-parent and how to define your role and one phrase really stuck out: " No matter what your bf/husband tells you, the kids will ALWAYS come first" . At the time even I thought " no way" as my man was adamant that I was his priority. Fast forward a year and 100s of interrupted dinners, dates, "alone time", movies- I realize this was the truest statement ever made. If the kids call, are sick, need to be picked up - a good parent will HAVE to do it. Unfortunately it leave us step moms feeling jealous, hurt and alone. Your lucky you only feel it once ever 6 months- that actually really good.
I have no problem with SS
I have no problem with SS being first as when DH is at work though he isn't home our conversations are focused on me or us - if something major happens he will bring up SS or I will ask how he's doing at times. I knew from the beginning he was a good caring dad and we would have interrupted times so have tried to control the times I can for lack of better words block out SS. I just I guess I feel like whatever SS said this morning made DH feel bad and so even with DH valuing education he let SS win and my last moments alone without sadness have been yanked away.
I think this truly helps I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I just I want our life back like I said with BM busting up I know PAS are back ad I am trying to stay focus on the time I know I will get exclusive time is coming but it seems so far away especially with him leaving and me already feeling stressed to the max. I just wish he could see the hurt and take SS back to school and give me like 20min a hug reminding me it will come and all be okay.
I really hate being down but I feel like since Saturday I have already felt like DH is gone and miss him already yet he is still home.
sbm014 - I understand how you
sbm014 - I understand how you feel in getting totally jipped out of your time with DH! Especially since you had been looking forward to it after the SS had said something to cause you to harbor resentment - that happens to me a lot!
Not only that, but it was a really flighty move of the biological mother just to blow off picking up her son altogether. Are there possibly some control issues that the biological mother still has over her ex? If so, I empathize with that as well. I always get the feeling that my husband's ex can just call him and rant and walk all over him, and leave the kids to him when she is sick of them!
But to get to your point: It is an awful thing to feel second, and I understand. WHen you're in a relationship with a person, and you don't have any children yourself, you're supposed to be that person's one-and-only! It is a long and laborious road to come to the realization that I will always be second to my husband's stepkids, and that is something to struggle with everyday. The important thing is to make enough time for each other, and work at your own relationship to ensure that it is healthy and strong, and hope that the rest will fall into place.
Good luck!
I know for a fact BM has
I know for a fact BM has control issues hence her not bring up helping her friend until HE called to tell SS goodnight. Most likely she would have waited until the next morning and tried to make DH look like the bad guy because our plan was to get up and leave decently early - and so most likely we would have already been out of town and she could tell SS that DH didn't want him or something like that.
I also feel like there is still guilt that she imposes when doing stuff like this because towards the end of the marriage DH wouldn't come home for several months at a time and did overtime to make ends meet and so until him and I got together and he saw the relationship and hurt I went through with my estranged father did he really start to build a true relationship with SS. So I feel like sometimes he feels like he needs to make up for the past and make up for knowing he is gone 6months out of the year and missing things that him and SS can now do together as I don't require myself to be at their every more like she did.
As for the party I don't think that was completely meant to ruin our time I think it was her being her she is never on time, and probably slept in as she doesn't work so any chance she gets she is nothing but a lethargic cow. So, I mean she didn't know that that time was meant for me she probably thought he was going to use it for hunting but either way it didn't affect her so she didn't care.
I will say I truly believe we do have a strong relationship - especially since like I said when he is gone SS barely gets brought up...and before the summer we got our evenings, our date night once a time home, our talks before I was exhausted. I mean DH will still shower and go to bed with me nightly even if he isn't tired he will stay up and look stuff up on his phone which shows he cares and we get our time but the end of the day I'm exhausted if I'm not working from home I am on the Hwy by 5am each morning so I need earlier time, and we will have time tonight but it's always to depressing to feel like it is quality time. I know DH loves me and I know he would hate knowing I feel this way but I do and like I said it doesn't come often but when it hits it hurts like a freight train and I just want our lives back to how they were.
sbm14, I know just how you
sbm14, I know just how you feel when it comes to quality time with DH. I am in a similar situation. I don't get SD very often but when she is around my fiancé changes completely... its almost as if I am not even there and talk about coming stone cold last. It hurts like nothing else, especially when we are still expected to just 'carry on' as normal. I cook, clean, bath and put SD to sleep every night when she is with us and as soon as she is down and I return to the living room (to spend time with DH), only to find DH is fast asleep. I harbour SUCH terrible resentment towards him and SD that it makes my stomach all knotty. BM lives 9 hours away and we are expected to drive the kid all the way back when the time is done (in my car, that I pay for...) with no thanks from the BM.
I actually plucked up the courage to tell DH how I felt about his child. I unfortunately do not love her and cant seem to love her no matter how hard I try and it was getting to me cause he was forcing this 'love' issue onto me and the more he forced the more I backed away, so I told him EXACTLY how I felt about her and how I felt about him forcing the issue... he wasn't happy, but at least he has backed off a little now.
I have a very demanding job and am often out of town and come home late most evenings... the last visit she was here was a particularly difficult time for me at work and DH told me that if I did not bake muffins with his daughter he was going to be angry... seriously?
So hang in there sister! Its not easy and I know how you feel when you say you feel like you are not his number one... it STINGS. I too often wish (in fact EVERY DAY) that it could be just the two of us...
Big hugs to you!!
I'm sorry you are feeling the
I'm sorry you are feeling the pain.
It is a struggle at times but like right now with DH at work it seems to be focused on my job, and how much he misses me only little SS talk and it is limited because he knows I don't want to hear it not because I don't care but because I need me time.
I also posted a "feeling optimistic" post DH and I got to have a few much needed talks and alone time as he dropped SS off early to BM before he left it was refreshing.