frustrated lately (long post)
Back story is I have been dating my BF for almost 10 months. We have known each other for about a year and 1/2. His daughter is almost 4. She is a sweetheart and little love bug. The problems are not so much with his daughter. But between his job and his EX things have been really frustrating for me. He works 10 hr days 6 sometimes 7 days a week and it is a 2 hr drive to and from work. He is supposed to have weekends off but has been told he has no choice but to work his days off or he will be written up. Custody for his daughter is 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. It's not the best but it was working.
His ex is using her daughter as a pawn. As her meal ticket so to speak. She is only in it for the money. She has not been able to hold down a job in 6 years. She has been fired from jobs for stealing money, stealing medications and for not showing up to work. She has no home. Since February she has been bouncing between 2 friends houses with her daughter. About 3 months ago is when things started to really get frustrating. We picked up his daughter and mom said she had been itching her head. She tells us it is not lice. come to find out it was lice. poor child had been itching like crazy for almost a week. We figured out it was lice and treated it as well as our house. Sent her back to mom with no lice. Told her mom that she had lice and even gave her the spray we had used to treat her with. Mom still denies it was lice. So when we pick her up the next time she has lice again. This went on for about 2 1/2 months. Finally mom was kicked out of 1 friends house and moved back with the others. We had his daughter at the time she moved. We dropped her of 2 weeks ago on a Sunday and she had no lice. Monday her mom calls my BF and says "why didn't you tell me she had lice. She infested everyone in this house". I know for a fact she had no lice. We sat and I removed the lice and nits by hand.
BF went to court September 13th for parent child contact not being followed through. (his EX kept his daughter from him out of spite.) While in court BF brought up a lot of issues they have had. Lack of communication. Half the time she does not have a working phone. The only thing the judge did was he put the drop off and pick up time at BF's parents house between 1 and 4 pm every 2 weeks on Sunday. And anything they want to change (putting her in preschool, giving her a hair cut) Has to be made through Mediation and both parents have to agree.
In the past few days things have been frustrating here. bf's EX has had her hair cut and enrolled her in Preschool. We brought up the preschool and speech therapy. I agree 100% that she needs both of these. But the problem lies in the fact that we Live in NY and BM lives in VT. She did all of this with out talking to my BF (which is against the court order)
The 2 weeks when she is with her dad with his work schedule he is gone 10 hrs a day. So his DD is with me all day. At times it feels like everything is on me all the time. I have to fix meals Monday through Friday. I do 90% of the house work while having a part time job in the home (I take care of a 4 year old in the afternoon)
It is to the point where I am about ready to give up.
Well if you made it this far thanks for reading and letting me vent.
^^I agree with this.
^^I agree with this.
Have to agree too! At the
Have to agree too!
At the moment she is being used as a nanny basicly. He gets free child care while he works
Bng We do have a schedule She
Bng We do have a schedule She is fine when she is here. Not much of battle with her except for the 1st few days back. She back talks and acts up a bit. We are in the process of getting a lawyer and going back to court.
Tog - He worked the 10 hr days these past 2 weeks when it was just him and I here. We get his dd back today. He usually works from 8 am to 4 pm and is home by 6. So we eat dinner and he spends time with his dd. He is off Next weekend the 5th and the 6th And the 12th and 13th as well. You feel she should be with a mom who is dating a sex offender, does drugs, is always drunk, has no job (was fired from a babysitting job for being drunk), Has no place of her own (the child has no space of her own) They are living in a 2 bedroom condo with 5 other people so that's 7 people total. BM is always dropping DD of with whoever will take her so that way she can go see her BF (who dd is not allowed to be around) And yes it is different states we are 2 hrs away (which the judge said was fine as did BM.) We go to Bf's parents house and BM picks up or drops off there. We know this will not work in the long run. That's why we are going back to court with a lawyer.
He works 10 hr days 6
He works 10 hr days 6 sometimes 7 days a week and it is a 2 hr drive to and from work. He is supposed to have weekends off but has been told he has no choice but to work his days off or he will be written up. Is what you posted....in no way did you post his normal schedule. With the way you worded it I think most on the board would assume this was normal for him. Also in my eyes it is a concern you moved in with them rather quickly, I can't say much as DH and I moved in quickly but he works offshore and everything happened quick so I am not criticizing you for that, but it's like a woman who could easily walk away seems to be taking care of the child much of the time according to your original post and seeing as how her mom is unstable and your ability to walk away at anytime gave me a bit of concern.
Also all we know is that BM may not have a stable household...that was pretty much the only negative thing you posted about BM other than he wanting to use the child as a meal ticket which I feel most bio-moms that are brought up on this forum do.
It truly seems like you are trying to help provide the best for this little girl but you posting on work schedule but then another one to defend makes me feel sorry that maybe her parents are not as focused on the time they get with her. I think that a only good situation is to let a judge figure out the best because at one house she is pawned off in a different location, the other her father seems to be somewhat absent. This poor little girl.
When SD is here BF works Mon
When SD is here BF works Mon to Fri 8 am till 4 pm and is home by 6pm. When she is not here he works Mon to Fri 10am till 8pm. But then is mandated to work weekends too. When SD is here he tells them to write him up because he has his daughter. The 2 weeks when she was NOT here he works Mon to Fri 10 to 8. Then was told this past Friday that he has to work sat night 8 pm till 8am sun morning.
BM Just enrolled her into preschool. She does not start till October 12th and she will not be going period.
It is 50/50 joint physical custody. They both have to agree to send her to preschool and in which state. Not mom going behind dads back and enroll her without even talking to dad about it. (that is what the judge said the last time we were there.)
We may have only been dating for 10 months. But we have been friends since June 2012.
I did NOT move in with anyone. They moved in with me. I have always been in this apartment.
OP, you're a short tem GF so
OP, you're a short tem GF so far. Why so involved in this family dynamic?
And if your BF is getting "written up" two weeks out of every four, I imagine he'll be unemployed and living off of you soon enough.
I'd re-think this whole thing, honestly.
What I get out of this is
What I get out of this is that both you and the little girl are getting the raw end of this deal. You should still be in the honeymoon stage of dating and enjoying lots of time with your bf, instead after just a few months you seem to have become a live in childminder and housekeeper. You are either taking care of his daughter, or he is taking care of his daughter, or he is working so many hours in the week and weekends that there is no time left for you at all. What are you getting out of this? It's a completely unfair situation and to top it off all the time with his daughter is inevitably making you feel responsible and emotionally entangled with her, so it would be even harder to make your needs a priority. Meanwhile the little girl is travelling a huge distance between an erratic lifestyle with her mother, and her fathers home where she spends more time with his GF than she does with her Dad.
As far as I can see your bf would be unable to have a relationship with his daughter if you weren't there because he would be paying for full time childcare. Meanwhile the current arrangement is a ticking time bomb because 50/50 custody 2 hours apart will become unworkable as soon as SD is in Pre school and full time schooling. You can't put her in a school an hour away just to be be half way between parents. Planning needs to be taking place right now to address her needs now she is preschool age.
There is only one solution I can see. Your bf needs to accept that the situation is unworkable for all concerned and start taking action to change his working and living arrangements. If he doesn't he's either going to lose contact with his daughter, or you are going to end up raising this child for him. Both are disastrous scenarios. He needs a different job, with more reasonable hours, nearer to where his ex is based. It may not be easy but unless he makes it happen something is going to give.
I agree with all of the above
I agree with all of the above comments. You need to ask yourself if you want to be in this for the long haul or call it quits and save yourself from the stress.
When I became involved with my DH, my SD was only 4 and it took us 3 YEARS to go through the entire mediation process because the BM dragged it out that long on purpose. We were all doing OK for about the 3 years (SD age 7-11) until the teen hormones started to kick in at 12 yrs old, now I'm in hell all over again until she goes of to college (in another 5 years). If I knew then what I know now, I would have thought twice, then probably decide against it.
Maybe you should just pick
Maybe you should just pick your battles. The child needs pre school, she has to go in a location that suits the parent who us dropping off and plucking her up. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend does that. So, why stress over pre school, the main thing is she gets to go. A haircut. Really. Don't sweat the little stuff. There are far to many other issues here to be bothered about haircuts. Anyway, when the child has repeated head Luce, the shorter the hair, the easier to manage the lice.
My suggestion to you would be to keep quiet. Let your boyfriend sweat over a haircut if he wants too, don't back him up on little things. Well, don't back him up,at all really. You can be loving and supportive when his daughter is with held from him. You can and should express how bad you feel for him and recognise his feelings. But whatever you do stay away from agreeing with him and firing him up for example, he says, BM has cut her hair without mediation, you say, I can understand you being annoyed about that. And drop it. Don't add, she had no right, she's your child too, and the judge said you had to mediate over these things. Seriously, do you really want to be in mediation with this child's mother ever 6 or 8 weeks. The less you get involved about these things the better. There are already two adults in this child's life that cannot agree, she doesn't need a third. Your role her is as a partner to your boyfriend. To care about his feelings, and in being understanding of his feelings, supporting him. It is not to add fuel to the fire by agreeing with him. That is a HUGE mistake we all mark in the beginning. We think that is loving our man. But it's not the kind of love that helps a step situation. In fact it makes it worse every single time. Unless it directly involves you, stay well out of offering an opinion. If your boyfriend asks for one. Say, I'm not sure, you know your ex, you know the child, your the best one to make that decision/choice.
Think about yourself here, what you want. Then think about the child, what works for her. Then play your cards accordingly. If you want mum and dad in mediation every 6 weeks, agree with your BF, tell him BM had no right to do that, tell him he's her father, he gets a say too, tell him what a butch BM is. If you like the idea of BM and bf being in mediation all the time, fire him up about this pre school thing. Then perhaps the mediator might get BM to take the child out of pre school, put her in one smack bang in the middle go both your houses, and then, YOU WILL BE THE ONE WHO HAS TO DROP HER OFF AND PICK HER UP. Think very carefully about this.
If there was a serious medical issue, or BM was neglecting to send the child to school, at all, then your boyfriend should fight for his child's well being. But a haircut and a pre school. No, YOU don't want to get involved in, or create more drama over those things.
^^ Very Very good advice Many
Many of us here have made these mistakes that seem minuet at first but they really just cause issues please listen to this.