I want BC but my SO does not - what do I do?
I have been reading through these pages trying to get some advice.
I am 36 years old and have no children of my own. This was something that I aways just assumed would happen at some point - I come from a big family and there are always children around.
It wasn't until I met 'the one' - my current partner that I really thought about it seriously. I guess you have to find the right person before you want them.
The problem is that my partner already has 3 children (with an ex wife and an ex gf) he has also had a vasectomy. I get on with all the kids, but they do not live with us and either way, they will never be MINE.
At first he said he would get a reversal - at that time I wasn't fussed, but 2 years down the line and I am wanting one and worried my time is running out, and he is now adamant that he does not want anymore children.
I know 100% that I love this man and the prospect of life without him is terrible...but if I stay with him, I will never have my own child and will probably end up resenting him. If I leave, I will not be in the frame of mind for looking for a new partner (BD) as I'll be missing the one I had. I'm scared I'll then end up alone having lost the love of my life and the 3 children that he had too.
I am so confused and upset right now, I don't know what to do!
I thought that BC meant
I thought that BC meant Biological children/child...oops! :?
Having children is a deal
Having children is a deal breaker. If you want you, it is your natural right to have one. You need to be clear with him that this is a hill to die on for you. If he stands firm, then he really isn't much of a partner, is he? After all, he knew you wanted kids going in.
And sweetie, he is not the end-all be-all. I'm sure you love him, but there are other men to love as well, and many of them WANT kids.
Don't give up being a parent for this guy, if it something you want.
I'm worried it willbe too
I'm worried it willbe too late - I'll be 37 this year and by the time I meet someone new (IF I meet someone new) I could be too old.
The longer you wait out of
The longer you wait out of fear...the worse off you'll be. Do you want to have children with someone who doesn't want them with you and will resent you for forcing their hand?
Thanks everyone I went into
Thanks everyone
I went into the relationship unsure of whether I wanted children. He kept changing his mind but then one day stuck to the adamant 'no'. One day I know I really do and then other days I question it myself. I guess that if I woke up pregnant tomorrow, I'd be happy and that says it all though.
The thing is, I don't just want 'a baby' - it's the having a baby with him! I know I want him and that's what makes it so hard. It really was a love at first sight thing with us. We are both desperately sad about this but he said there is no way forward as he doesn't want another child with anyone.
He didn't have great experiences of relationships before - the 3rd child was conceived 3 months into a relationship - he wasn't ready for another child while trying to get access to the ones he already had. He is a fantastic father - he has great relationshiops with the children and works so hard to provide for them. He has also spent thousands £££ to get to see them regularly.
When I see him cuddling and playing with them...I want that for my child. It hurts.
I also feel like spare wheel when we're all together - like I don't really fit in. having a baby would bring us all together as a family. I want my baby to look like it's brother and sisters.
He did say that he would look into adoption - this doesn't make sense to me. Financially and legally it is just the same , if not more so! He says he doesn't want a baby to change our replationship and break it apart - he also says that financially it would be tough as he wants the best for the kids he already has.
I don't know what I expect to come from this to be honest - I just need to get all this out.
WHOA WHOA WHOA.... Having an
WHOA WHOA WHOA.... Having an "ours" baby absolutely will NOT make you all "one family". Squash that thought, right now.
I turn 40 in July and I just
I turn 40 in July and I just had a baby and let me tell you motherhood is WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say go to a sperm bank and pick out a donor. I would
Congratulations! That's
Congratulations! That's lovely news.
I don't want a baby on my own though, is that what you have done?
I have friends who have 'offered' Haha! I want a baby with him and the 'family' we have.
You're right. Fair enough.
You're right. Fair enough.
That's the problem...I just don't know right now but I'm scared I'll regret not doing it when it's too late.
Like I said - just needed to get it all off my chest.
His body his choice, your
His body his choice, your body your choice.
If this does not work for you then move on.
I know, an over simplification of the issue but that is the pragmatic reality of the situation.
Things change, a comment made years ago is not a commitment that is not subject to changes in situation. If BKs are a priority for you then have them. You can do that within your marriage without participation by your DH. Tell him "You are snipped, I am having a kid, reverse it or I go for an anonymous donor. Your call hubby."
Be ready to move on either way it goes if you prioritize having a child over your marriage.
My problem is my problem I
My problem is my problem I know. I understand that no one can make decisions for me. Like I said, I just needed to get this out and doing it on here seemed like a good idea.
I think I was hoping to hear from people who had been in similar situations, and for those that have shared and commented - thank you.
My problem is right now, I just can't decide which I want more, but the baby has a deadline on it. I would happily stay with my man the way we are but one day it will be too late.
Thanks everyone, I'll shut up now x
So...he said he will not
So...he said he will not change his mind. He admits he thought he could change mine. How can he change my mind when even I don't know what I want?!
I know I can't look back with regret when it's too late.
I'll probably end up alone now anyway as I don't want anyone but him. I'll look back and regret losing him and the children he already has.
Devastated.
I'm sorry emsyr. I think the
I hope you can move on. I'm sure you will be ok. The good news is it's NOT too late. You realized what you wanted, needed, to feel fulfilled in life and you're going for it. Remember, there are other men out there who DO want children, and you will find him. *hugs*
Hi Delphi, Thanks for your
Hi Delphi,
Thanks for your post.
He moved out last weekend and it's very difficult. He is as upset as I am but still says he just can't go through having another baby. I do understand why as his experiences were terrible, but like you say, I also can't get out of my head that he would do it if he loved me. I just don't know. Then again, he may resent me down the line of he did, just like I'd end up resenting him by not having a child and staying with him.
The hardest thing is my indecisiveness about whether I actually do want a child. I'm just not sure. Today, I've been in the 'no' camp. My sister is due to give birth next month and I am her birthing partner! Maybe that will help me decide. Haha!
I know I'll be ok. You always get through these things. I'm just scared I'll end up alone after all of this anyway. X