I'm so confused!
Oh, man. Where to start...
I've been living with my partner and her kids (10,15,17) for nearly three years.
About 6 months ago her eldest daughter moved out and in with her boyfriend and recently have had a child together so my partner has been running back and forth to help her as much as possible while I'll hold the fort at home.
Today my partner asked me if I would be happier if she didn't have kids and I told her I don't really think about it because I accepted the situation as it was. She said that she felt like I don't get involved enough with family stuff and wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help me get more involved. This took me by surprise because it's not like I have nothing to do with the kids. I take youngest to school every morning and am always ready to help the kids if they come to me with a problem. My counter point to her was that over the weekend just gone everybody was just doing thier own thing so I so it as an oppertunity to spend some time doing my hobbies to which she replied "yeah, but your hobbies are also solitary things".
To cut a long thing short, the conversation blew up and it seems that she is resentful towards me because I have free time to do my hobbies while she HAS to be a parent. Now when we first got together I tried to fully take on a parental role and it backfired and I found it stressful so I took a bit of a step back and let the kids come to me if needed. I still help out when I can; I clean up after the kids when needed to and stuff, help out with things they need etc but my partner does most of the kid stuff.
The confusion stems from this whole getting involved thing. My partner said she wants me to get "involved in the house and family generally" but when I ask her to clarify what she means by generally she can't tell me what she means. When I give her examples of situations that I do try to gte involved she gets passive-aggresive and gets all moody. I gave the youngest a chore to do yesterday and today she told me that I don't need to give him jobs to do because we agreed that she would do give the kids their chores but I know from experience that some of these chores won't get done and it'll be me doing them and if my partner ends up doing them she'll tell me that I don't help her etc.
Today it's BD of the 10 year olds birthday so they are all going to his house to celebrate. I get on fine with the guy but I just don't feel like joining in so I said I'd stay at home. I think my partner is annoyed at me for this and see's this as me not getting involved but in my defence I don't see how her ex's birthday has anything to do with me and the kids don't care if I'm there or not.
My partner also said that we don't do enough together but when I pointed out that I have on many occasions asked her if she wanted to do something she replied with "Yeah, after I've been dealing with the kids and am too tired" and if it isn't that it's because she is busy with the kids which I don't mind becuase the kids always come first and I expect no less.
I try to spend time with everyone but most of the time people are just doing there own things so I leave them to it. My partner says I could always help her with things and we could do house stuff together which I'm totally up for but she never asks me if I want to join her doing these things so I just get on with what I'm doing and then get the cold shoulder later becuase I didn't know she wanted help with a particular job.
I really don't know how involved I'm supposed to be. I feel like she is resentful that she has kids to look after while I can take a step back when needed. I do my fair share around the house and even tidy up behind the kids when needed but it seems like I can never do enough and am always getting accused of not being "involved enough".
I really need an outsiders viewpoint on this.
Thanks in advance
Sounds to me like SHE has
Sounds to me like SHE has problems putting herself first and is blaming everyone around her for her self made misery. Her kids are old enough to be doing more for themselves which if she made them, she'd have more time for herself to either join you or find her own hobby.
These aren't your kids and I think you're doing plenty with them and keeping your own sanity in check.
I point out to her that she controls her own schedule and if she is tired from it, then she needs to make a new one. Is she spending too much time with the 17yo to the detriment of the family?? Her daughter had a baby and needs to grow up now. Mommy can't swoop in and do it for her.
Good luck for a speedy job search, you need one fast for your own sanity. I think she got addicted to you being and doing it all while she was sick. If she is recovered then she goes back to her life and all that responsibility for those choices she made when she had her kids.
I have a lot of thoughts, so
I have a lot of thoughts, so let's just list them.
1.) If your DW was too sick to work, then she needed to tell her eldest DD that she needed to grow up and deal with her own kid. She also needed to ship the other two off to live with their dad while she recovered. If dad refused, then this is one of the rare times where I say a SP has to step up and be a parent.
2.) HOWEVER, your wife clearly wasn't that ill if she was able to run all over Hell's half acre for eldest SD AND managed to take care of her other two kids. I'm over sensitive to this crap because the BM in my life complains constantly of being sick and not being able to work, but she's running around fine 80% of the time and poor-mouthing her way through life. She's either too sick that *neither* of you could work OR it wasn't that bad and you two played the system.
3.) IF she was so sick neither of you could work, AND Dad refused to take the kids, you should be doing everything and letting her get well. If she doesn't want you doing things for/with her kids, fine. But not working means you're vacuuming, doing laundry, doing dishes, making all meals, cleaning bathrooms, etc. If she is *so sick* that you *can't* work, then you shouldn't have time for hobbies.
4.) Now, once she is well enough to care for her kids again, IF she isn't working and you're cool with that, then she needs to be forever thankful that another man has decided to pay for her to be a SAHM without being dad to her kids. That means she needs to handle the good and bad with her kids and not expect you to be taking kids back and forth to school, helping with homework, etc. The good AND bad mom duties are all here 100%.
5.) HOWEVER, that doesn't mean the household duties are all hers. You say you "help". You need to stop "helping" and just start doing. Dishes need to be done? Just do them. Mental load is a real thing, and if your thought is that you "would help if asked", you're already screwing up. You're an adult partner who knows how your wife likes things, and how you like things, so just do them. Or suggest when a project needs to be done. Or just step in during a project. Don't ask what you can do, state what you're going to do and do it.
I know I sound harsh, but somewhere this doesn't pass the smell test. I was with you until you said you didn't work and your wife was sick enough to not work and get income assistance, yet was also doing things around the house while you were off doing your own thing and had hobbies. If your wife is that sick, be by her side and DO things with her that make her happy. I'm just really struggling with her being sick and doing household projects, and you using her illness as an excuse to not work, but also not help your sick wife with projects.
On the surface, you aren't wrong. If you were working and she were well, I'd side that she's jealous but you still need to be mindful of mental load. But it sounds like either she's not as bad as she says OR she is that bad and the men around her are too lazy to let her get better. I'm not sure which it is.
It's not harsh at all and
It's not harsh at all and gave me some good things to think about that I haven't thought of before. Thanks for the reply
Welcome to the site!
At 15 and 17 yrs old - these two shouldn't need much "kid stuff" input, should they? and I gather the 17 yr old has moved out anyway? To me, your partner sounds a wee bit controlling. If you get involved, you're doing the wrong things, so you disengaged a bit, but that's seemingly not right either. I think that although this is the "presenting problem" the one underneath appears to be anger with each other and I think you might need a come-to-Jesus meeting with her to thrash out the nitty gritty of it all. Household chores - it's generally obvious to most, what needs doing, so if she's feeling you are not pulling your weight generally, she should tell you. But getting involved with the kids - well, the 10 yr old basically, as I can't imagine the 15 yr old wants her Mum and step Dad breathing down her neck - then most of us here think less is more when it comes to mucking in with parenting.
Well, in my mind, these kids
Well, in my mind, these kids are 100% NOT your responsibility, period. If she's too sick to care for them, they need to go to their dad's home.
Your wife needs to learn to communicate her needs better - but as Lt.Dad said, it won't hurt if you just start doing stuff without being asked to "help" (ie, household chores, not kid stuff - that's her responsibility)
Not only she wasn’t a replacement dad
But a replacement better then the real dad. You will never win. She will never change. No matter what you do, it will never be enough. This you are not doing enought will follow you forever.
TWO. Going to ex birthday party ? When they divorce this stuff stops. No go to ex birthday party's, no joint party's or holidays. She wants her cake and eat it too. She can't have it both ways. Being in a relationship with someone else and running to the ex.
15 and 17 yo kids should have
15 and 17 yo kids should have next to NOTHING that needs to be done for them. If mom is ill.. then they should be stepping up and removing themselves from her workload. period.
They can feed themselves.. they can do their own laundry.. they can arrange their own rides if they can't take the bus or public transport to school. And... if they can't so some after school activity because mom is "so painfully laid up"?? they should be understanding and actually feel badly and not expect their ill mother to get off her deathbed (figuratively) to transport them around.
Her daughter also doesn't need help.. she is not ill is she?
Honestly.. it sounds like your wife kind of wants to not work.. and is using the illness as an excuse to not work. If she is doing all you say.. there is really zero reason she couldn't hold a job. And.. I'm really looking a bit sideways at you because there are no tiny helpless children in the home.. and your wife is clearly able to get around and do things for herself. There is no excuse for you to be home either.. You both need to be working IMHO. If you want to support her and her kids.. that's your choice.. but I hope it's not with the expectation of some ongoing public assistance.
I'm sorry this comes off a bit judgemental on that ... but it really doesn't seem like she is really all that disabled from being able to work considering she is doing all that helping for her kids.
The root cause of your
The root cause of your relationship issues is that you and your SO are of the mind that the kids come first. No, they don't. Ever. The relationship and the partners come first to each other. Always. Kids are the top relationship responsibility but never displace the relationship and partners as the top priority.
If both of you do not recognize this, move on and find a new equity life partner who is not a breeder.
Calling women "breeders" is
Calling women "breeders" is really offensive.
It is not a gender specific
Being a breeder is not a gender specific status.
OK then, it's insulting to
OK then, it's insulting to call human beings breeders.
Meh. I don't find it
Meh. I don't find it offensive. It's just a word. And some people are just people who make babies. In our area they're called "baby mills" which seems worse than "breeder"
Perhaps. But the OP loves his
Perhaps. But the OP loves his wife and she has just 3 kids, so referring to this particular woman as a "breeder" (ie a derogatory term) doesn't seem okay to me.
if you're doing all that you
if you're doing all that you're saying your doing then...
It's possible your wife is getting a touch of the "empty nest" syndrome that hits when kids start leaving the nest. This is just the first one so she's only grasping at straws (you) to hold onto a family unit but it could blow up and trying to have "family moments" with the kids left. It happens a lot to women who prioritize being a mom over everything else. Once their kids are growing, leaving, starting their own journey, these mom's feel lost and don't know what to do with themselves. And some even start causing havoc in their household out of desperation.