I've been her step-mom for 8 years, now I'm getting a divorce
I have been in my step-daughter's life since she was 8 months old. We had 50/50 custody and I was a stay-at-home parent to her since she was a baby. I have done most of the pick ups and drop offs, and spent more time with her than either of her biological parents, as they both had full time jobs. I have worked part-time but always kept my schedule flexible to be available to parent her. She has called me Mom since she was a baby and views me as one of her true parents, not a step-parent. I don't have any other children.
She is now 8 years old, and after many many years of a bad marriage (which I have primarily stayed in because I didn't want to lose my step-daughter), I am getting divorced. Of course I have no legal rights to my daughter, and am at the mercy of her two biological parents as far as what kind of time I can spend with her.
I do believe they will allow me to continue to be a part of her life, but my question is HOW? Having her go between 3 separate homes seems awful and not good for her, but having me abandon her after being her primary parent and suddenly play a very limited role in her life seems bad for her too. I am going around and around in my mind with different time-sharing / co-parenting scenarios, but cannot figure out what is best for her. She loves all of her family and will be sad to lose time with any of us. The reality is that she is closer to me than to her Dad, but he legally has the rights to more time with her.
I have scoured the internet trying to find ANY story or example of a similar situation and how people made it work, but have come up with nothing. I'm hoping that maybe someone here has a similar story, or can at least give advice on what type of time sharing arrangement might work best? I would be so grateful for any advice.
I'm sorry dear, but highly
I'm sorry dear, but highly likely they will not allow her to be a part of your life, although a couple of jabs may be made at first. And, I am truly sorry. Step-parents get screwed all the time, and I'm guessing no one responded to your post yet because they didn't have the heart to tell you that. There is a reason why you scoured the internet trying to find ANY story or example of a similar situation and how people made it work, but come up with nothing.
As you stated, “I have no legal rights to my step-daughter, and am at the mercy of her two biological parents as far as what kind of time I can spend with her.” You’d like to think that after all you did for their child and how close you are to the child, that mom and dad would let you continue to be a part of her life in some fashion, and maybe they will for a while as a free-babysitter. But the reality is no one, and I mean pretty much no one, wants a non-blood, no longer committed thru marriage, third parent in the picture.
The elephant in the room is that step-parents can (I’m not going to say often, but can) be used, and be used in the worst kind of way. You are not alone in that sense. It, unfortunately, happens too often where a SP gives years of their life and a huge chunk of their heart away to another family or child, only to wind up with little to nothing at the end of it all. This can even happen in step-relationships where there is no divorce—where emotionally SM feels like a free nanny, cook, maid, taxi, bank, etc. vs. a true wife or SO, and yet remains married.
I’m sure you do feel like you were a mother to this child, and it sounds like you pretty much were for a while. However, as difficult as it sounds right now, you need to work on letting her go. As much pain as you are in, thank God you only got 6-8 years into it. Some SMs literally do raise another’s child for years, only to have that child totally turn against them around adulthood. You see, it is so easy to blame a SM for everything and anything wrong in the family. And, far too often many do.
It’ll take time for this child to recede in your heart and she will never completely go away, but try to take this as a learning experience and do not become a SP ever again. Next time, go for true commitment with a single, childless man and have children of your own together. Best of luck to you, and again, I’m sorry for what you are going thru. It is not easy.
My heart goes to you. I am
My heart goes to you. I am also raising and treating my step kids (now 6 and 8 ) like they are my own and dont have bio kids. I would be devestated not to be allowed to be a part of their life anymore. I think if your step daughter really needs you she will find a way to reach out. At 8 years old she will probably soon have access to communication devices (computer or phone) and if her bio parents have any kind of respect/memory for everything you have done for their child they should at least allow your step daughter to communicate with you as much as she desires.
First I'm glad that you are
First I'm glad that you are leaving a toxic marriage. I'm sorry that you may not be able to bond with your SD as much because of the divorce. Legally I don't know what you can do as a step parent but it doesn't seem like you have much to stand on. Have you asked a lawyer? I can only think if her parents agree to some sort of arrangement and again that's depending on how they feel about the situation.
Just know that during all those years she had someone like you in her life and whether you realize it or not you had an impact on her. Who knows maybe when she's older you both can maintain some form of contact.....life is funny that way.
Wishing you well!
No matter how close you are
No matter how close you are and how much that you have been a REAL parent to your Skid, you have no official rights.
You could sue for visitation but IMHO success is an extreme and likely very expensive long shot.
I hope that your STBXH and BM will be reasonable and facilitate an ongoing relationship between you and your SD.
Good luck and don’t forget to take care of you.
What happened?
I know this post is old, but I just joined as I am going through the same situation and wondering how your story ended up?