LONG! SS7 and Second Grade
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and moved in with him and his son in March of this year. My boyfriend's son is 7 and we have a rocky relationship at times.
My ss and I spent most of the summer together this year. I work overnight so he and I would hang out together during the day and, when his father was away for work (he works 7 days in a row out of state, then has 7 off at home) my ss would spend the nights at his grandmothers.
My ss had a rough time with first grade. He could barely write and hates reading. Everyday during the summer I tried to integrate some reading or writing into our playtime so he wouldn't be too far behind in second grade. The results were disastrous, with both myself and his father. My ss would end up throwing tantrums and screaming how he would never learn to read or write because of how much he hated school. He also would yell that he was never going back to school. The boyfriend and I agreed that it wasn't working so we stopped even trying to trick him into it with playtime.
School started here on August 7th and, as I'm to understand, it's a chore to get my ss out of bed and out the door on time. Every week he's come home with an "N" - which I'm sure you know means Not Satisfactory - for conduct. He's had letters sent home 12 times and today is going to be our third conference with his teacher.
My ss truly hates school. He refuses to do his work, puts his fingers in his ears when she tries to talk to him, and yells at her consistently. Yesterday he got another letter sent home but he hid it. Thinking he'd finally had a good day, we rewarded him with Disney Infinity. After hours of playing, I found the note in his pocket and his father laid out the discipline.
My boyfriend started the school year with time outs, no Wii, no tv. It's escalated to removal of toys from his room, to writing out sentences about what he's doing wrong, and now to spankings. However, no discipline seems to be having any affect on him. He just doesn't care about anything to do with school. When he's home, he's generally well behaved with no problems. We always reward him positively when he's been good in school - which has been few and far between.
My ss's grandmother is more lax when it comes to punishment. The last week my boyfriend was out of town he had to leave work one afternoon, drive four hours just to punish his son for some particularly bad behavior. The next day, my ss's bad behavior escalated in school. My boyfriend realized that the ss was using the behavior to get him to come home and that he couldn't allow that to be an option.
I know this is so long. I'm very sorry! Does anyone have any experience with this type of hatred for school from a 7 year old/second grader? We're both at our wits end here. I'm very concerned about his future and his father has no idea how to help him or discipline his extreme behavior (for example, he admitted he's started pooping on himself in class because it means he gets to go home or that he gets out of class to change - part of our meeting for today, I'm sure). Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Ps His bm does not see him. She is homeless is California. We recently found out that, when she talks to him, she tells him how awesome being homeless is. She constantly tells him she goes to Lego Land and Disney. We think he may be thinking that he doesn't want to go to school because she makes being homeless sound so glamorous. However, when we ask him why he hates school he just screams that he hates it, hates reading and writing, and hates everyone there. There's never really a plausible reason.
Thank you, LadyFace! During
Thank you, LadyFace!
During our last conference his teacher suggested that my ss see us reading a few times a week. She suggested that seeing us read instead of watching tv might spark some interest in reading, but so far it hasn't.
Last school year his father or I - towards the end - would read to him every night. He enjoyed listening to it and continued to do so until the new school year started. Now he puts his pillow over his head or puts his fingers in his ears. I always finish the chapter or number of pages I've decided to read to him, but I worry that taking the pillow or forcing him to listen will make matters worse.
Your life right now mirrors
Your life right now mirrors mine from a year ago. My best advice is to get him involved in a IEP program with the school. The reason he may hate school so much is that he doesn't understand what is going on, he is behind and embarrassed and instead of working at it- its like hitting a brick wall.
The IEP has not helped my SS with behavior but he is with 3 specialist now and that makes a world of difference with his school. When it comes to the behavior side, my only advice is to disengage. You will literally drive yourself crazy over something YOU have no control over. YOU don't get to make choices for him and when you come down on him- you will become the Evil Step monster who just doesn't understand him.
Thank you Overworkedmom for
Thank you Overworkedmom for the advice!
I or we hadn't thought of an IEP but that's a great idea. I'll certainly ask his teacher about that today.
Disengaging has been difficult for me, especially since he's not rude or behaves that way with me. His father does a good job of taking care of the discipline. I tend to only discipline when my ss does something directly to me, like talk back or show off in front of his cousins. The three or four times I've yelled at him he has immediately turned me into evil step mom. My boyfriend suggested doing my best to steer clear of disciplining him unless he's being really bad. But like I said, his behavior is bad at school and not bad at home. Although I'm starting to get the impression that home problems are soon to follow.
At some point, you may want
At some point, you may want to have him tested for dyslexia, too. I hear that when kids have it, they often hate reading and writing and ultimately, school altogether. This may sound far fetched, but it is a possibility
Thank you Amy Lynn! I
Thank you Amy Lynn!
I actually thought of that as well. When he does try to read he mixes up his d's and b's, 6's and 9's. When I noticed that I wondered about dyslexia. I just worry that that's a sign of a general lack of knowledge - though I would hope a doctor could see the difference, lol.
My SD mixed those up, too,
My SD mixed those up, too, when she was that age. I think it is common when they start learning to read and write. But I would assume there is something deeper there for him to hate school that much, whether it be a learning issue or a behavioral disorder (or simply just behind the other kids). Most importantly, try to be patient and understanding as you silently want to pull your hair out and scream.
Deep down, we truly want what is best for our Skids, which is why it is so frustrating. You and BF should talk with the teacher and the school counselor to see if they have any additional advice or any in-school aptitude testing that can be done. An IEP sounds like a great idea, too.
Best of luck!
The first thing I thought was
The first thing I thought was Dyslexia when I read your post. We recently had BS first grade assessment. He is 6 and reads at a 3rd grade level and is very good in math BUT hates writting. When they asked him to write a sentance he refused. It took 20 minutes longer to do the assessment because he flat out refused. I wanted to crawl under the table. I am old school in my beliefs that if I tell you to do it you do it, end of story. He finally did it but when we left he told me he didn't see why we had to write whem you could type it on the computer instead.
Have you read the book dealing with a strong willed child, I am thing of picking this up myself. My former neighbor who is a family therapist has read it and used it with her 7 year old and my therapist recommended it.
I would definitely have him evaluated. What does the teacher think?
Thank you RickyTicky. At the
Thank you RickyTicky.
At the suggestion of his first grade teacher my boyfriend had him checked for ADD and ADHD. The most I know is that he wasn't diagnosed with either. The doctor said something along the line of what you did and that a lot of boys just have a tough time with learning.
My boyfriend struggled with punishing him about his behavior at school for precisely the reasons you said. However, how will my ss realize this isn't good behavior without some sort of consequence?
The conference with his
The conference with his teacher did not go brilliantly. She was very nice but immediately told us that she's asked the principal to put him in a different class. We weren't happy because we know this will be another rejection from an adult female, which he seems to understand in a very negative way. However, I brought up the point that I struggled some in classes taught by males due to my own personal issues as a child. I suggested that perhaps him having a male teacher would help him. Of course there isn't a single male teacher at his school.
My boyfriend suggested the IED to her. The teacher and the principal said they could do the testing to see about putting him in but they don't think he will bode well there emotionally. He feels that once my ss catches up or stops hating school he'll begin hating problems again because he'll be bored.
My boyfriend left very frustrated since everything we suggested was thrown out and nothing got accomplished. He wants to take his son to be tested for any learning disability, which he'll do in the coming weeks.
Also, when we got there, my ss was in In School Suspension. It's held in the assistant principals office. When he saw us walk past the door as we were leaving he started screaming like he was being murdered and yelling when he realized he wasn't coming home. I've never heard him react that way before and it was truly terrible. It broke his alpha father down and, of course, embarrassed him as well.
Since coming home, my ss has been an angel. Though teary eyed when his father told him no tv, no playing with new toys, and no friends over he has been handling it ok.
I am so disappointed with
I am so disappointed with your SS's school!! You are concerned parents trying to do what is best. He hasn't had the perfect life and he will be "challenging" but that is no reason to give up on him. At least with my SS once his teacher and administrators were aware of his issues we had better communication and we stayed on the same page. SS battled the whole way but having a principal, teacher, specialists, BM, and me and DH all working together we were able to push him to do better academically.
I have to say that I would probably be visiting the school board soon if I was you. I am not sure of your financial status but would an Montessori school be out of reach? There are so many schools out there that are so much better at letting a child learn as an individual and foster the love of learning that I would be tempted to call around. There may be scholarships available or financial aid. Even if it was for a few years just to get him on track, it might be worth it.