My SO wants me to seek therapy for being resentful before going to couples counselling
I discovered this site by chance, and I feel so lucky to have found this community. This is my first post, and I apologize in advance for its length.
A few facts about my relationship: I’m a childfree by choice 45 y.o. woman, actually I broke up my first marriage because I didn’t want kids. I have a successful career and a good income, I travel abroad a lot for my work and for pleasure, I was always into sports and hobbies, have a good social life and I like my alone time as well. SO is of the same age, very good job and income, travels two weeks/month for work and the other two weeks he is at home with his 10 y.o. son. SO is caring, loving, funny, attentive and affectionate, doing small acts that show how much he cares about me and showering me with gifts although I repeatedly told him I don’t need these, but more couple time with him instead.
He managed to get 50/50 custody over a three-year legal battle as his ex-wife wanted full custody. I guess because of all these he became a helicopter and Disney dad, organizing every single minute of SK’s time with activities, and the two weeks he has his son he spends all afternoon until SK goes to bed studying and doing fun things with him. The other two weeks without SK he’s travelling for work. So ze have extremely limited time alone, only when SK goes to bed. SK is totally dependent on him, cannot take a simple decision or entertain himself for an hour alone, over-spoiled (at this age he’s still dumping his dirty laundry at the floor for his dad to pick up, not doing any simple chores) and entitled, with little empathy for others. But I came to love the SK because I love his dad deeply. A huge problem in our relationship is SO’s mother and single (with no personal life or interests) sister, who are also revolving their life around SO and SK. Due to his travelling, SO needs his mother or sister to take care of SK 2-3 days per month, as per the custody schedule and because he does not trust his ex as being a good mother so does not want her to have SK more days than the arrangement. We fell madly in love and are together for 3 years, engaged a year ago. I met the SK immediately, and after a couple of months SO asked me if I could keep SK two days before giving him to BO, as SO had to travel. I accepted as I wanted to bond with SK, and this became a routine, every time I’m at home when he needs someone to be with SK for a couple of days when he has to travel (if I’m not, his mother or sister come to take care of SK).
His mother and sister live at other cities but visit very often, even when SO doesn’t need help with SK, because they are very close with each other. When they visit, from 3 days to 2 weeks (over Xmas), they demand that SO spends every minute with them and even made a scene a few times that we wanted to go out for dinner just the two of us, saying that they came to see SO and he’s leaving them so although we didn’t cancell our plans, these outings were spoiled. I was puzzled and furious from the first time this happened and already asked SO to break up more than 4-5 times over this issue; I understand that he’s prioritizing his kid over me but I can’t accept that I’m below his mother/sister as well (he was begging me not to leave him, saying he would never allow his mother/sister to come between us), but he doesn’t stand up to them because he needs them to keep SK when he has to travel and I’m not there.
The first two years I was so madly in love that although these things bothered me a lot, I push them aside. But I became resentful and aggressive towards him over the last 5 months because of so many issues: he insists that I put my flat that I love for rent and move into his, which is just a tiny bigger than mine and where I won’t have an office space (which I need as I work from home sometimes). He doesn’t want us to move to a bigger flat together so as not to inconvenience SK. He’s pressuring me to work less and spend more time with him and SK (even his mother/sister have repeatedly told me to look for another job that won’t require travelling and essentially to abandon my career so that I’m more at home with SO and SK), and SO recently said that I’m very self-centered and he would like me to be more engaged with SK, such as doing more often homework with SK, accompanying SK with his dad to SK’s activities over the weekend, in a nutshell to become a happier and more involved stepmom and wife.
I explained that I cannot abandon my passions or my job to become more involved than I have been, and he now asked for a time of reflection for both of us about our future. The worst is that we just bought a holiday home with a high mortgage (so far we paid everything by half). My problem is that I can’t become more involved than I am. I have already changed my carefree lifestyle for him, I’m spending 4-5 evenings per week at his place having dinner with him and SK, we always go on weekends and vacation with SK, because he can only spend 5-6 days per year only with me as a couple as either he’s travelling for work or he’s with SK due to the custody schedule. He even recently told me that when SK goes to college, we are going to spend 2-3 months per year where SK is, renting a flat and having lunches/dinners with him every day because he cannot just see his son only two weeks per year over the holidays. Even though we’re engaged, for him close family is not just the two of us and SK, but also his mother and sister; SO said, when he asked for reflection time, that I can’t question his family values or that his life revolves around SK, and my discomfort about this situation shows that I have psychological problems from past relationships that I should deal with before we go for couple counselling, as I proposed lately. Over the last 3 weeks that he asked for this period of reflection, we talked only twice. I have the feeling he expects me to return and tell him that I’ve thought about it and I’ll do what he wants, but I can’t. The concessions I have made for him and SK are the most I can do, especially as he’s so inflexible about everything and he just expects me to accommodate my life to fit into his.
I’m thinking of leaving him, and I’m so mad at him for convincing me to buy this holiday home together and making me take a big financial burden. I still love him, but I don’t think I can accept this situation or his terms. Am I being unreasonable? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Please tell me, what are your views?
No you are not being
No you are not being unreasonable at all. Your SO is gaslighting you. It's a tactic dads like him to to whip you into shape and have you concede even more than you already have. Why the hell can't your SO and SK start joing you on some of your hobbies rather than you be the one to give up everything to the point of obliterating yourself?
You have a major SO problem. He clapped back with your suggestion for couples counselling with you needing to go because of your issues and he wants you to go "get fixed" so that you'll be totally OK with having virtually no needs met as a spouse. The lack of time dedicated to one on one between you and your SO is absolutely ridiculous. Like many of these idiot dads we talk about on this site, your SO wants a Stepford wife to just stand back and eat shit while he does whatever the hell he wants without having to meet any of your needs and when you say something about it you're the bad guy. You do not need to enable a dynamic that hurts you.
You deserve so much better. It might be a good idea to go for individual therapy for just you or for you to do some introspection on why you have accepted crumbs. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who is all-in and who doesn't have such blurred lines with his other family members. You deserve to be loved, prioritized and valued. Your SO is not equipped to do that for you. He hasn't figured out how to spouse and dad at the same time.
You are wise to consider leaving your SO. Actually leaving would be wiser. I hope you don't let having purchased a summer house make you feel like you can't break it off.
Thank you so much for taking
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my situation! I told him three weeks ago that I do not need time for relfexion because I have no doubts to be with him, but I only asked for couples counselling because the issues we need to consider have been appearing again and again since the first few months of our relationship (essentially his intruding mother/sister, their codependency issues and the fact that when they visit, they all four make their common programme, mainly all of them accompanying SK in his activities or revolving around him, and he invites me to join them, instead of making plans with me as a couple). And after a week I said that, he replied by asking for more reflection time and that I need therapy first to deal with my negative feelings about his family and that his life revolving around his son. I told him that I do not accept any lessons about family values from him, as my parents were a loving couple until my dad's passing, my sister and I are doing very well and my nieces have become hardworking independnet confident teenagers. I told him that I do not accept being in the fourth or fifth place when his family is visiting and that is clear to me that he never wanted to create a family with me together but instead me accommodating my life to fit into his.
My friends have been telling me that I knew he had a child, why I have a problem now? They just don't understand how this situation feels. I didn't know he had a sister who acts as she's in love with her brother, a clingly mother and a child whom they all have made so dependant on them. Your comment about Stepford wife nailed it: my SO had suggested to give me a certain amount of money per month for my expenses so that I would work less (I'm a freelance processional) and I refused. He cannot understand why I would not want to make his son my priority. I know he needs therapy, as the codependency is an inter-generational problem in his family, he himself told me that his grandmother and mother were doing the same scenes to his uncile when he was visiting them from abroad where he lived, and I was suprised from the first moment that his mother was talking non-stop about and prasing her brother and never said a good word about her husband, my SO's father. I think they will make the SK like them; I have been trying to make the SK more independent, to make him realise that "family first" as the SK says, does not mean he can't go on vacation with friends when he's at college but he has to spend every free time with his family. I'm sorry this kid will be destroyed by them.
And I can't believe how, although I saw these red flags from the beginning, I brushed them aside as I was so in love. Acted like a fool. Again, if he accepts to go for couple counselling without repeating this BS about therapy for me (BTW, I have done counselling myself, a very long time ago for 3 years, and recently for 2, when most of the time we discuss my frustration with the SO), perhaps things will get better but if not, it's over soon.
No, you're not being
No, you're not being unreasonable. IMO, he keeps asking you to do more and more of what he wants because you're compromising - and not living the life you want. You moved. You bought a holiday home. He expects you to spend 2-3 months where the skid is when in college (whaaaaaat?!?!).
You need to consider what YOU want out of this relationship and with your life. Is he willing to spend time with his skid one-on-one? Or does he expect to drag your reluctant self along?
You sound terribly unhappy. Are you willing to compromise so much of your life that you no longer recognize it or yourself? Time for The List. Two columns.
Which one has the most reasons?
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply! I did not move in with him, I have been refusing and instead told him some months ago that if he wants to move together, we should rent a house and make a new start. The thing about spending 2-3 months with his son when he's at college anywhere in the world together is a new issue, until now the plan was that we would be enjoying life and travels the two of us. And he said that I should go with him; when I replied that then I expect him to join me for a couple of months in India where I'll be doing yoga, he said that he was talking about spending time with family (his son), and not doing hobbies. Of course I never wanted to cut him of his famly, on the contrary, but I don't accept this codependency that they all have which consider to be normal family love. I just wonder how he managed now to raise these expectations over the first two years, or whether since he feels he tied me up with this house (and for me it's a bigger financial burden because I'm a freelancer while he has a top salary) he can show his true colours now.
Your comment that I sound terribly unhappy makes me ponder.... my best friend recently told me that, apart from the first months into my relationship, every time she meets me I'm frustrated and upset about the situation with his family and him not making our relationship a priority.
Then again, he's totally faithfull (even gave me his phone password which of course I never used, but I also did not give him mine out of principle), and he didn't fake being so loving, affectionate, tender...but I think it has to be in his own terms, which means puting his son/family at the center of my life. I can't.
Of COURSE he's faithful! When
Of COURSE he's faithful! When the heck would he ever have time to cheat?
While being faithful is a big
While being faithful is a big positive, that is not a reason to stay together. I dated someone who was faithful... and a verbally abusive alcoholic. Pros and cons do not carry the same weight.
He isn't really faithful.
He isn't really faithful. Being enmeshed with anyone else and not prioritising your relationship is a form of betrayal.
I’d Run
And fast. I'm sorry you invested 3 years in this man but at least you caught on before you married or moved in together. Advise your Gas-Lighting SO that HE needs the therapy, not you. Put the property on the market. Hopefully it sells fast. Cut your ties either way this guy. If you think it's bad now, these situations only get worse as the child ages. And you are also dealing with enmeshment with the mother and sister.
Way too much toxic in this relationship for me to advise staying. Best to you.
Thanks a lot! I already
Thanks a lot! I already adviced him some months ago that he needs therapy but he brushed it aside as BS. I told him his sister/mother have codependency issues, but he didn't even know what this is. Yet again, he's the one that told me a few times that every time his sister visits for the weekend, he's feeling stressed of the pressure she puts on him to spend every single minute they are awake together and do everything together. But now i'm the one who needs therapy because I developed negative feelings about his sister....
For the record, his ex-wife also because hostile towards his sister and told her that "it's time that she makes her own baby", I suppose because when the SK was born, his sister/mother were visiting his house and staying 2-3 weeks at a time, and since he was travelling a lot, they essentially spent too much time with his ex-wife and the baby. Then again, when I asked him repeatedly if he made any mistakes that contributed to his divorce, he said absolutely none, he was treating his ex-wife perfectly with gifts and holidays, and it was she that became hostile towards his family. So that you said about enmeshment, probably affected his ex-wife too....
There is no probably about his enmeshment effecting his X.
I would give his X a call and get her history on the whole enmeshed stench of his shallow and polluted gene pool.
That no doubt will mirror your own experiences with this waste of flesh.
You are absolutely not being
You are absolutely not being unreasonable.
This guy needs to just remain single or find a woman who is wiliing to revolve her entire life around him and his son/family, and it sounds like he expects that to be forever.
Exactly. I told him why did
Exactly. I told him why did he started a relationship with me, while he knew that I was an independent spirit, have a great career, hobbies, love travelling, while he wanted someone to revolve around him and his kid? He should find a 25 year old who has not yet built his life and will be fascinated by the lifestyle he can offer, but as I told him, I was able to get everything I wanted through my hard work over the last 25 years and I did not expect to profit from him. But it seems he prefers a women who depends on him financially, who would then accept his terms.....
bizarre
This is truly bonkers. If this is what he expects SO needs therapy himself more than couples counseling. It's an insane expectation. My kids would have left college and moved far away, with no forwarding address, if I tried to do this.. I don't see this getting any better. He doesn't see this as abnormal as his mother and sister seem enmeshed in his life too.
If you want to maintain the person you want to be, this is not the relationship for you. Yes, you have bought a holiday house together. (A holiday house you may never use just the two of you.) But, that does not mean you need to subjugate yourself to his vision of life. Houses can be sold. If he refuses, the court can force a sale.
I was hoping that during the
I was hoping that during the couples counseling his personal issues would be indirectly addressed and then our problems would be solved or easier to handle. Because he does not believe that he needs therapy, as most men. He was angry when I told him that he has codependency issues, he's guilt parenting and super spoiling the kid because he's scared he's gonna lose him again (his ex took him in another country and refused to let SO see SK for almost a year, only after court order).
I laughed with your comment about your kids moving away with no forwarding address
That's what any normal college kid would do. I would never let my parents come to my college town for 2-3 months per year just to be next to me... but my parents had a solid marriage and their own interests without expecting me to give purpose in their life, as my SO found through the SK.
Next time he brings it up,
Next time he brings it up, ask him why he would want to spoil the college experience for his son for his own selfish reasons. Doesn't he love him enough to let him lead his own life?
Subtlely vicious as usual Winter. Absolutely brilliant.
Of course this mommy/sissy codependent wast of skin will take huge exception to that.
Thank 'ee kindly good sir
Thank 'ee kindly good sir
No. Thank you dear lady.
Good grief, Hon! No wonder
Good grief, Hon! No wonder the man's ex-wife fled to
….another country and refused to let SO see SK for almost a year, only after court order).
The woman was probably terrified that too much exposure to bio-dad and his crazy family would destroy the boy. And, of course, she was absolutely right! It’s a shame that she and the boy were found.
He hasn't "done the work"
First, Welcome! On Steptalk, we often ask, "has be done the work?" This means, has he established a life as a single adult while parenting (not entertaining) his child. While this man sounds successful in his career, he has not done the work. His domestic arrangements are ludicrous, not to mention his plans for his son's college years. He does not have the space and time in his life for an adult relationship.
The other posters have given you good suggestions. Good luck!
Thanks a lot for the welcome!
Thanks a lot for the welcome! I don't think he "has done the work", not really. I met him about three years after his divorce but these years were totally consumed with legal battles for visitation rights and to win 50/50 custody. I told him right after the Xmas holidays that I was so angry that during 6 days we were the two of us only after 10.30 pm when we were saying goodnight to his mother/sister, that he does not have the time for a relationship and that je deceived me. Guess what: in his request for reflection time he mentiond that I have been very aggressive to him over the last few months. Yes, insisting on the truth is aggressivity for those who can't handle it.
"Mental bealth...."
"Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs".
Stop thinking and do it. He is gaslighting TF out of you.
He is gaslighting with his demand that you get therapy for your (some no doubt never ending list of bullshit he makes up) before he will go for couples therapy. For now, let's call it "being resentful". Huge RED FLAG! Huge.
Stop thinking with your tingly bits and start thinking with your clearly sharp professional brain.
What more is it going to take for you to realize that he has written on a baseball bat and beat it into your skull the message that he is a kid obsessed failed man, failed partner to both you and his X, and a failed parent.
He is not interested in becoming your equity life partner. He is looking for something far less. You are not even on his RADAR screen as a priority. He prioritizes his failed family spawn, his mommy, and his sissy over you. You fund his vacation home dreams, you cater to he and his spawn, and when you make it clear what you demand from him, he gaslights the shit out of you.
Stop doing this to yourself.
The only way this works for any length of time is if you continue to sacrifice yourself, your future, and your financial well-being on the altar of SParental martyrdom to this failed man, failed father, and failed mate and his entirely shallow and polluted gene pool. Including his parents and sister.
Move on. Full stop. Block him. Demand that he either buy you out of the vacation home, you buy him out, or it is sold and you recover your investment and appropriate share of any equity growth.
Living well is what we each owe ourselves. Never forget that.
Take care of you.
Thanks for being so frank. He
Thanks for being so frank. He's indeed a failed partner and in the process of destroying his kid although he's revolving his life around him. I think I was the one gaslightling myself first, as I was seeing these problems with his family and SK from the very first months but as I was so in love, I looked the other way. Now I bang my head on the wall. I'm worried I will have to be in polite terms with him for at least 5 years, until we' are able to sell the house (unless he or his mother buy my share, which they can afford, because I can't buy his share at this time). At least I made him sign a private agreement two months ago, that if we split, irrespective of who's liable or initiated that, none of us can refuse selling the house.Still, I blame myself for not having waited a few more years to buy something with him.... he talked me into this, saying that now we can more easily take a mortgage than if we want to buy property when we are 55 or 60.
So make him an offer he can't refuse...
Either he or his family buy you out or you will force the sale. There's absolutely no reason to go through years more of this crap just for the sake of a house. You'd go crazy.
You are so sharp.
The agreement to sell at your discretion was a masterful move.
Do not wait.
Now for some more tuff love. You know what he is. When someone tells you and shows you who they are, believe them. Stop making excuses for him by claiming self gaslighting. The early stages of love can often create a shortcircuit between the brain and the fee fees. Everyone is susceptible to that.
Stop making excuses for him and just end it. If you do nothing, nothing changes and you waste more of your best life on this nauseating family self made tragedy.
The only person who is ever hurt by banging their own head against a wall, is you. Let this guy repeat his failure model. HIs XW more likely than not ended it for the same reasons you will end it.
Yes, I think his ex-wife
Yes, I think his ex-wife ended it for the same reasons, although he told me that she lost her mind after becoming a mom to his son and started being aggressive towards his mom/sister, until she took the kid and left for her own country. When I asked him if he thinks he made any mistakes during their marriage, because it takes two to tango, he said absolutely none! He was treating her perfectly, she had everything she wanted with him.
The first step towardds self-improvement is to assume responsibility for actions and mistakes, and my SO assumes none.
Lol "aggressive toward his
Lol "aggressive toward his mom/sister." I would love to hear her side. This guy is nuts. Even if he comes from a culture with high family enmeshment, he's still taking it to the extreme.
He said his ex starting being
He said his ex starting being aggressive towards his mom/sister. Well, didn't he accuse you of that?
He probably honestly believes he did absolutely nothing wrong. Given that he thinks that way, he does not see a problem. Only you do. Therefore, he is not going to change anything. It is often discovered on this site that when our spouses change they only do so when they realize there needs to be changes for the betterment of everyone involved. When the spouse does not see a problem and are perfectly happy acting as they are, they will not only not change, but will fight tooth and nail to maintain the status quo. Your SO has already put the entire onus on you and gaslighted you with saying that it is you who needs therapy. Honestly, I don't see a good prognosis here.
Indeed, he doesn't see any
Indeed, he doesn't see any problem, until a few months ago he was saying that we are the perfect couple, although I pointed out these problems several times and in fact the only reason we have been fighting is about his mom/sister. He doesn't see any fault of his own in the failure of his marriage neither. I thought that during couples counselling he would realise that he needs to change, but he's so stubborn it seems impossible.
"He probably honestly believes......"
There is nothing honest about willful self delustion.
Yuck
This overgrown man baby gives me the icks.
Leave him. Sell the house. Find someone more compatible. He's not the only dude out there and even if he is, he's not worth the trouble.
Before I forget.
Welcome, I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
Don't forget to take care of you.
Thank you, I feel so grateful
Thank you, I feel so grateful to have found this community of people totally unknown to each other but who care and want to help.
We may be totally unknown to each other IRL.
However, we are all siblings in the blended family adventure/SParenting world.
Though I have met two STalkers in person for an intro dinner while on business trips.
"My SO wants me to seek
"My SO wants me to seek therapy for being resentful before going to couples counselling" Bah HAH hah ha ha ha aaaaahhhhhh, HELL NO.
Has he lost his damn mind??? Have you??? Get out! Do it now before he entraps you further.
No woman would be happy in
No woman would be happy in this situation. A woman who needs a place to live and a man to support her may tolerate it. But a woman with her own career, home, friends, and hobbies? Even if you DID have your own children it wouldn't be ideal. The only time you get with him (when he's not working out of town), he has his son. The whole time. And he revolves his whole life around him.
The crap about when SS is in college is kind of pathetic. He has told you that even when SS grows up and moves away, he will chase him and smother him and expect you to do the same. And the mother and sister? Ugh. He depends on them so he has to dance to their tune. of COURSE you are resentful.
This guy is no catch. He may be sweet and thoughtful but if you are down the list from Spoiled Prince SS, MIL, and SIL, he's not treating you that way because you are special to him. He's a people-pleaser and he needs help. He's kissing your a$$ because he wants you to do more for the thing he really cares about. And IMO it isn't SS. Not really. It's his deep seated need to be recognized as SS's number ONE. To beat BM as the most loved parent. If he REALLY cared about SS as a person he would raise him to become an independent man with life skills, not the dependent child who needs Daddy all the time. SS will likely grow to resent him too. Or he will be so stunted that he continues this codependent relationship and resents anyone (um, you) who gets in the way of Daddy's attention and resources.
Thanks for taking the time to
Thanks for taking the time to comment! You mentoned something very important, his need to be recognised as SK's nu,ber one and beat BM as the most loved person. I remember now that he told me a few times that he hopes when SK becomes around 14-15, he will decide that he no longer wants to live with his mother during her custody time as he will realise what a terrible mother she is, and move with his dad. To my question "and who's gonna stay with him when you travel half of the month?" because we don't leave a 15 y.o. along for several days, he didn't reply. I think he had me in mind, or any woman who's by his side. He'll have to search a lot if he thinks that it's easy to find a woman who will make SK her life priority. Just because he and his family consider SK as the eight wonder of the world, he thinks that we all see it this way.
I don't think that the SK will grow up to resent his father, rather that he'll become totally codependent as my SIL is, with hardly any friends, no hobbies, no interests, no personal life. Which means that the SK will go on vacation with Daddy even when he'll be 25-30 y.o. I shiver at this thought.
It seems like he chose you
It seems like he chose you because you are the type of woman he wanted, strong, independant, adventuresome but then he slipped right back into the role he knows ..severely emeshed w/ his mom. And now he's done to his son what was done to him. I have no doubt he often wishes to break that tie but it's his pattern now and he's trapped in it and sadly thinks it's normal.. You, however, are not. He may never, probably will never snap that leash that tethers him to his mommy. And his son may never break the leash that your partner has tied to him.
But you, you can find that line and decide you no longer want to remian in his family's severely disfunctional pattern.
You totally captured what I'm
You totally captured what I'm suspecting. He fell in love with me for the kind of woman I am and admires, but now he wants to make me more like his mom, less independent, less career-oriented, more stepchild-focused, and he would be delighted if I would rely financially on him. He told me several times that he'd love to support me. How crazy is that? He found a woman at my age, with my lifestyle, and he wants to change me entirely? I don't get it.
I knew the advice you need in
I knew the advice you need in the first paragraph.
You literally got divorced from someone you loved because you didn't want children. So, how unfair to yourself is it to be with this guy that not only has a child.. a young child.. but is pushing and pushing for you to rearrange your life in ways you don't want in order to become the child's caregiver.
It sounds like your SO love bombed you at the outset.. got the hook in.. then has pushed and pushed to erode your boundaries.
Your SO may have some nice qualities.. but he is a father who is looking for a "helpmate" with his child.... that may be something some women would like.. but you have an engaging career.. and loved the life you were living prior to meeting him.
At this point.. I don't see you as the problem with expectations.. it is his expectation that is the issue.
Perhaps he is the one who needs to look for the local job so that he can be there to care for his son?
I would also point out that
I would also point out that yeah.. to an extent you knew he had a child.. but you did not know the extent to which he was expecting you to step in and parent that child.
You have been intentional... and even "ruthless" in your decision to not have a child... you got a divorce from someone over it..
Somehow this guy was able to push over that boundary and not only have you date someone with a child by being oh so charming and wonderful.. but he actually got you to act as childcare for him. He is now pushing you to basically quit your great job so you can be a more available "child care with benefits" partner to him.. now isn't that a bit self serving.. onhis part?
OH.. and he wants YOU to go to counseling to get rid of you resentment for something he should know darn well is an imposition on you? That's rich isn't it? does it sound like a "you problem" here? No.. he is the one with a child and isn't home enough to care for him.. that is a HIM problem.. not a YOU problem. You have been way to accomodating and have stuffed down your own preferences so you stepped up and helped him.. which has now turned into an all the time regular thing.. and he wants it to go further.. you live there and take over mommy role completely.
Unfortunately.. this is something that couple's counseling won't fix. The problems with sister and mom? nope... won't get fixed.. the problem that his kid needs minding? no won't get fixed.. his opinion that you as the woman should be available to provide women services.. (child care... etc).. again.. won't change. All you risk now is potentially finding yourself truly trapped if you get pregnant somehow... You have found out what he is all about.. and it is not the life you wanted.. he may be attractive.. smart.. etc.. but he isn't the right partner for you.. no matter how much counseling you attend.. he wouldn't even go on his own.. he is not going to do the work necessary to make your life what you want with him.. he is not capable of it.. and even if "he" could change some.. the other extra parts won't.
As you correctly pointed out,
As you correctly pointed out, I knew he had a child, but I didn't know how deeply involved his mom/sister are in his life until after a few months, that I started slowly to realise it. It was one long weekend that his sister came to visit him and for 4 days, he and SK were spending every single hour of the day with her (because she has no friends and cannot entertain herself) and even he did not come to sleep at my place during these days because his sister did not want him to leave her alone (with her beloved nephew, not alone) and although our houses are less than 3 miles away. It was a first fight, when I told him to break up and he was begging me in tears not to, saying that he'll never put his mother/sister before me.
He also lovebombed me as you said, not only during the first few months but during the first 2,5 years.... until I became "aggressive" and not any more compromising. I truly wanted to bond with his kid but within my own limits, I was seeing myself taking the role of a trusted friend and in fact the SK behaves much better when he's alone with me than when his dad is around, he's more responsible, logical and respectful. But I can't give more than that or I'll end up hating him and the skid, which is unfair to the skid. I feel so sorry for the SK because I wanted him to become an independent and responsible boy and adult, and when I think that he's coming runing every time to greet and hug me and that I'll probably never see him again, it makes me so sad.
Did he fall in love with you?
Or are you a means to his end? BF needs someone to take care of his DS, When he can not. He's forceing you in to ''his life''. To take care of SS when he can't. He can't even take the time to do it right. Hes pushing you aside to support DS.
'I don't think he loves you,but spent time and energy to train you. Now he wats to keep you. Doesn't want to train. Another woman. Woman who take this abuse are hard to find
We both were crazy in love
We both were crazy in love with each other. it was obvious to everyone around and he was telling me every day, and showing with his actions. But he's very upset that over the last year I have been avoiding the issue of organising our marriage although he repeatedly asked to set a date... I think that intuitively I was afraid I'd lose my freedom. He keeps insisting that I move in his apartment with his son, so that his mom will not visit so often (she visits to take care of SK 2-3 days per months when SO is travelling, so both her and SO want me to work less, travel less and be at home with SK. He's so upset that I resist that now that we bought this summer house, he might think he trapped me so he became more pushy.