Navigating kids that have no real boundaries
I've been reading on the site for a while and finally decided to post. I really love a lot of the advice I see on here and the support. It's helped me a lot!! In my situation, I have a SS 8 and a SS 13 (who does not live with us) that really have no boundaries or direction. The SS 8 has no real consequences. His mother tries but she can't be consistent with holding him accountable. I try not to say too much because she gets defensive but he literally really ignores her consequences and it's becoming irritating him continuing to do the same things like steal snacks from the kitchen at 1 am and not do any of his chores. The 13 year old, literally wished me dead and tried to fight me, mind you, I had done nothing to this child except spend time and money on him. I get he is mad his parents divorced and are not getting back together but it's not my fault. I refuse to be around him because there were no consequences ever given for this and his mother witnessed the entire ordeal. No apology or nothing but every time this comes up, I'm the bad guy in this situation.
It's really starting to weigh on me and I feel like I'm always in the wrong with her.
Disengage
As no money... gifts .. vacation...for SK. If they treat there BM like sh*t. What do you think they think of you, Don't east your money, tine wiry them. Just make sure that DH doesn't play ATM with them. They are getting older. More expensive. Cars, insurance, ,, college, wedding. Big ticket items.
I have started that process.
I have started that process. It has been helpful but it's hard to still have to navigate in the space with all the craziness.
The thing you have to
The thing you have to remember is that this doesn't end when the kid turns 18. They will still be there, throughout college years, young adulthood, as they become parents themselves- they will be around.
While I agree disengaging will save you a lot of stress- because you literally make yourself unavailable for them in any and every way- it doesn't solve anything.
Our MINOR children are a parents first responsibility in life, but marriage is our first priority. Something your husband needs to come to terms with if he wants this marriage to survive is that- Yes, his kids need: Food, water, shelter and emotional support/love. Kids also need structure and boundaries. Your marriage needs these kids to have discipline, common courtesy and respect. That isn't too much to ask for. Your husband either needs to step up or you might need to step on out. He needs to step back and align his priorities and responsibilities.
To be blunt... who gives a shit that he is mad that his parents
divorced?
That does not justify his behavioral choices nor does it give him a get out of jail free card when it comes to experiencing the consequences of his choices.
Kids who are held to standards of behavior and standards of performance thrive in comparison to kids who are not. Regardless of what life experiences they may have.
I am fortunate to have married a BioMom who had zero delay in recognizing this. She and I aligned just about instantly and successfully raised a man of honor, character, and performance who is doing great in his adult life. He is 30, his mom and I will celebrate our 29th anniversary later this year.
Tell your SO that she either steps up to parent and discipline or you will. If she fails to step up, make sure she is clear that if she does not like how you parent and discipline that she can step up and get it done before you have to. But either way, there will no longer be a vacuum of parenting and discipline in YOUR home.
DW and I had this same alignment discussion when SS-30 was progressing through his mid teens. She stepped up and assumed the primary disciplinarian role. SS hated that. After a short time he asked if I would go back to being the one to discipline him. With me, it was immediate, focused on the infraction, and I then stepped back to let him move forward. If he did the same or a similar thing again, the consequences were more pointed.
With his mom, it was the weeks long lectures, living under the mom hairy eyeball of constant oversight, applied with a regular application of ...."the look".