Never wanted to be a mom at all
I'm 27 and pretty recently married. My DH and I don't currently live together due to our current job situation, but I'll be moving in with him come the end of July. We dated for years and well before getting married, we discussed having children and I told him flat out I didn't want them. At all. Never ever, don't bother thinking I'll change my mind, and he was totally supportive. He has a 9 year-old daughter from a previous marriage and I've known her since she was 3. Now, I can handle her in small doses and I don't think she's a bad kid, but she had a lot of developmental delays and behvioral issues, but for the past two years she's lived with her bio-mom across the country after her bio mom moved for work. Prior to that, my DH was actively engaged in her life and she'd spend every other weekend with us and the whole time I just couldn't wait until she went home. Again, no ill will towards her, but even spending an hour with her is exhausting. She's EXTREMELY clingy, whiney, and constantly wanting to be the center of attention. Because of her delays and divorce guilt and a crazy work schedule limiting the time he could spend with her and whatever else, my DH has never bothered to try and discipline her. Her bio mom never really tried either, and everyone gives her a totally free pass to behave whatever way she pleases because she's a bit developmentally behind and both parents seem to feel guilty. She's not intellectually or physically disabled in anyway, but has seemingly been diagnosed with all the ADD/ODD/ADHD and other random behavior disorder acronyms.
Anyway, bio mom was always her primary guardian and DH had visitation but after bio mom moved, that that got cut down to Christmas and summer breaks. That was always the plan. Well, then bio mom lost her mind and randomly got into alcohol, drugs and all kinds of crap overnight. A relatively down-to-earth person that just completely went of the deep end in a matter of months. After a $12,000 run through court, my DH now has full custody and bio mom doesn't even have visitation until she goes through rehab and other programs. My DH works a job under contract and has another year and a half. He makes excellent money and has good benefits, but he works INSANE hours, often anywhere from 4 in the morning to 7 or 8 at night, 6-7 days a week. Because of that, DSS is currently staying with his extended family for now, but he decided that once I get there, I'll be her primary caregiver.
Yes, I knew he had a child when we got married. Yes, I love her and would never mistreat her or insist my DH not be involved in her life. It's just to hard to not resent her. I had plans of completing medical school after I left my current job in July. He can't quit his job because he's going to be the primary breadwinner. He often works hours where he won't even see his daughter while she's awake. I was going to use that time (since we won't see much of each other anyway) to complete medical school and get my own stuff and career together. He tries to tell me I can still do that, but my primary job should really be taking care of DSS. Yes, she'll be in school during the day but going to medical school isn't something you only do between the hours of 8 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. while the kids are in school. I'll be getting zero help from DH. What's worse is becauese of her behavioral issues, she can often be violent. I've never been good with kids, I never wanted kids, and I don't want to be a full-time mommy to a bratty kid. Am I a horrible person? If you got this far, thanks for reading. 
Well, it's not quite like he
Well, it's not quite like he decided, it's just that we'll be living 800 miles away from anyone else we know. There really is NO one else, short of putting her in aftercare until 6 or 7 p.m. at night or hiring a nanny (which we won't really be able to afford). My husband just wants her to have a routine, which I understand. We've already talked about discipline and rewards and whatnot, but how it actually works out remains to be seen. I know I can't hold her up to the standard I was raised to: I grew up in a home with two younger sisters where we were doing chores once we were hold enough to push a vacuum and got spanked for talking back, whining and lying. She does all three without abandon and has never even been asked to clean her own room. Her bio mom still used to cut up her food for her, dress her, bathe her, brush her hair and all those other self-care things. She's completely capable of doing them on her own and she always used to when she was with DH (for the most part) but because he was away for so much of her young life and then only ever saw her on weekends, he was always the hero parent and bio mom was the "mean one" who made her eat her peas and do her homework and go to bed. He was always the one that was taking her out to eat three meals a day in between trips to the zoo, movies, baseball games, and the one that would let her stay up all hours of the night just so they could spend time together. I'm mostly afraid that on his Sundays off or rare whole weekends off, it's going to be all them, all the time, all fun, and I'm going to be the bad person Monday - Saturday. I'm not the spoiling/coddling type and flat out refuse to jump on that bandwagon.
I know that none of this is her fault, but it's not my fault either. It's just hard reconciling that I guess, and rationally I know that life isn't fair. I just feel like there's no way for me to win in this situation and me and DSS are both in for a very rude awakening.
I agree, day care/after work
I agree, day care/after work care. U can put up boundaries for YOUR life. Despite what people outside of a step situation might tell you, just because u married someone with children does NOT mean, they are your responsibility!
Imagine yourself 5 years down
Imagine yourself 5 years down the road or 10 years down the road after you have made a decision. Would you be happy with the decision you have made? A wise person once told me "there are no mistakes in life. There are opportunities and there are missed opportunities". In otherwords, no matter what you decide to do, would you be able to live with yourself for having made that decision or would you be living a lifetime feeling nothing but regret?
Maybe the fates want you to be this girl's primary care-giver because you and you alone are the best person to raise this child? I am not pushing you to opt out of your chosen career path. Far from it. My SS has ADHD and believe me, I know EVERY SINGLE INCH of frustration you must be feeling towards this kid. However, I took it upon myself to be the best father-figure to this kid. To that end, I went to library, pulled out books on ADHD and started studying. It didn't help me to love my SS. In fact, I don't love him and I don't think I ever will BUT I understand him a lot better now. So should you do decide to become this child's primary care-giver, you owe it to yourself (and to this kid) to read up on the subject. It has helped me a lot.
I'm imagining I'm going to
I'm imagining I'm going to feel massive amounts of regret if I forgo medical school again. I chose to forgo it three years ago to continue to gain experience and pay off college debt. I already feel considerable resentment over the situation as it stands right now, and none of us are even living together yet. I keep hoping that it won't be nearly as bad as I imagine it will be, but I don't think it's going to be nearly as peachy as my DH thinks it will be either. He tries to support me and encourages me frequently, but it's like he has this image in his head that I'm going to love her to bits and she's going to accept me unconditionally as her new mom and I'm going be this awesome have-it-all mom with a career as a doctor that still bakes cookies and goes to every soccer practice and PTA meeting. I'm at least honest enough with myself that I know I would NEVER enjoy doing that. I would DO it if it came down to it, but I wouldn't just toss all my goals and ambitions to the wind (or even put them on the backburner) to make it happen.
It's not that he spent the
It's not that he spent the money for custody to have someone warehouse his kid for him exactly. But when his wife went off the deep end, his daughter was in CPS custody and they were discussing foster care. She's been living with his sister for about a month, but his sister can't care for her long-term between his sister's health issues, being a single mom and having three kids of her own. He pays child support to his sister right now, but that's just really not any kind of viable long-term option. His other option was to allow his daughter to go to foster care. The reason he ended up having to spend so much money was having to fly to Oregon at the drop of a hat, deal with emergency court orders and hearings and finding a lawyer, travel expenses such as two-week car rental, hotel stay, etc. plus food.
Bottom line is, she really has no where to go, and even I'm not so cold-hearted that I'd say, nope, let's dump her in foster care instead. For one, no man I would ever respect would do that and for two, it's not HER fault either. Which is why I really do feel truly powerless. I have tried to discuss it honestly with him, but he always tries to shrug it off and tell me I'll probably enjoy it, which only makes me feel frustrated. In a way I also feel trapped because if I wasn't around and just decided to take off because I can't handle it, he has no where he can send her. I love my DH and don't want a divorce and I'd feel devastated if it came to that, as well as guilty for leaving him high and dry.
While everything you (and a
While everything you (and a few others) have said makes total sense and I agree with it wholeheartedly, it's just not that easy. I feel like I'm being such a naysayer and trying to put aside advice that I desperately wish I could follow. I was planning on being in school full-time, and we can't afford for him to quit his job, and besides, he works under a contract: he literally CAN'T. We have to pay off all this new debt (in addition to around $60,000 from the divorce back in 2005) and his job provides us with insurance to pay for DSDs astronomical medicals bills besides (between occupational therapy, anti-psychotic drugs, ADD meds, etc.) Working less hours for him isn't an option. Changing jobs certainly is when his contract comes up for review, but that's about a year and a half away. I really do feel like (this is a rock) (this is a hard place) (this is a vat of boiling oil waiting to be dropped on the space in between) and (this is the water rising around my ankles).
I really do love my husband and I know that just because I volunteered to marry him doesn't mean I volunteered to be a mother. He has honestly told me numerous times that he is jealous of how much time I'll be able to spend with her. He really does want to be there for her, he just can't right now. I'd also feel pretty crappy since he's paying all the bills and working 80-90 hours per week to pay off our debt and put food on the table and say "she's your problem, not mine." I do believe in a fair division of labor in a marriage, but it's just like some tiny part of me thinks raising a kid isn't the same thing as cooking dinner and doing the laundry to help pick up the slack.
I agree, I mean.... What is
I agree, I mean.... What is he doing with her now while you are not there??? He can continue to do that when you are.
Don't know you but I would
Don't know you but I would hate to see you make the move, quit schooling, become a caregiver to a minor that you don't want, then s*** hits the fan. He is supportive bc he has high hopes and he means well. Sadly it doesn't work that way.
I wouldn't suggest you do it unless there is another caregiver for this minor and you focus on medical school while you can.
" She's not intellectually or physically disabled in anyway, but has seemingly been diagnosed with all the ADD/ODD/ADHD and other random behavior disorder acronyms." That means bad parenting and you don't want that responsibility IMO.
Put that child in daycare.
Put that child in daycare. Find someone who will watch her after school. I feel your pain. I currently watch ss from 8:30 to 6 p.m. five days a week and I resent the hell out of it and ss is a good kid with no behavior problems. It is no fun taking care of someone else's kid.
I think we were posting at
I think we were posting at the same time.
Like I told someone else, him rearranging his life isn't really possible since he works under a contract. He can't just quit. Plus, come July he'll be the only one working and he does have incredible insurance and we NEED that insurance. He was already going to occupational therapy three times a week with her bio mom in Oregon and before in Texas, and all the behavioral medications that she takes would realistically cost us hundreds of dollars a week. So she's been getting treatment for nearly 4 years now, and he's always been very up-to-date on what's going on with it and what she needs, even when he couldn't be directly involved after her bio mom moved. But she has also never lived with him long-term (they separated when she was 2) and she's also never lived with me for that matter. She usually behaves for him, but that's because he's always spoiled her rotten and let her have her way. He's aware that it will have to change and "life with dad" isn't going to be all fun all the time anymore, but I still think he has no concept of how that might actually change her attitude and opinion of him when he finally has to tell her no. He only knows her as his sweet little girl that he would hang the moon for. I think in a lot of ways he's in a lot of denial, because he always used to be able to point the finger at her bio mom when she'd have violent outbursts at home and school. True, her mom was also a pushover that babied the crap out of her and would let her throw tantrums, but up until a few months ago she seemed to do as best as she could with the situation she was in. He always used to go on about how DSS's behavior problems were due to her parenting but always felt helpless to try and correct it in the short stints he got to spend with his daughter. Now I think he's afraid he's in for a dose of the medicine his ex-wife has been chugging for years and I think he's afraid he's going to fail as a true full-time parent.
You have a wonderful noble
You have a wonderful noble approach to the situation. I have four Skids of my own. Kids are as varied as we are and need just as much love. Your willingness to make your own sacrifices is generous and empathetic. Be wise to that fact and realize that things are going to get A LOT more intense when everything finally come to fruition. The fact is, you have a dream and YOU were not the one that incurred all the "problems" and financial responsibilities, save your own school loans.
My story is rather long. Joint custody to children without boundaries, and excuses from DH that make me sick. In seeing the future of what this type of lack of discipline, structure and teaching makes a child into has been disappointing if not scary. Then BM just died of cancer. All responsibility now falls on "us" although, none of the boundaries or expectations are my own. Frankly, I need to become a force to be reckoned with, yet I shy from being the "bitch" that I may need to be because I long for their love and connection. It never comes except for superficially despite me being a doormat for their passive aggressive attitudes. Kids need structure and guidance and it's damn hard when you have little to no support. In the end, I know they'll think more of me later if I create my own rules, even when "Dad" is always the easy one.
How do you balance all this? I'm still trying to figure it out. But I have dreams too and right now it's not happening. And it's my own fault. It's an empty,unfulfilled, lonely feeling.
Follow your dream. Stand your ground. Get some counseling that sets up what is expected before this life altering change takes place. Like you said, it's not the child's fault. They're in need of more than you can ever know. But don't you DARE think that it's your responsibility to be the fix. Find support, care, whatever, but as soon as you sacrifice and lose yourself, you WILL be miserable. That's just an ugly fact of step-parenting. You have your freedom now and you're already seeing the writing on the wall. Trust your gut and figure out what you can and cannot deal with and lay down the law. I only wish I'd done it a long time ago.
Good luck and I hope you get that degree and make sure you never feel trapped just because of someone else has things that need to be a priority... for them. Don't ever expect someone else to make sure you're happy. No one but you will ever know what that means.
"Don't ever expect someone
"Don't ever expect someone else to make sure you're happy. No one but you will ever know what that means."
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You are so right! My BF constantly told me all he wanted was to make me happy. But all he's been working on was to compensate the unhappiness he's brought me rather than giving me the one thing that would make me happy even though I spelled it out to him.
I think you should really
I think you should really take a step back and consider whether moving in together really is the right thing. I am the same as you in that I have never wanted kids of my own and would be horrified I I ever made the terrible mistake of falling pregnant. I made this abundantly clear to my other half from day one.
He has 3 kids with his ex wife. One of whom has all sorts of issues like dyspraxia which has delayed her physical capabilities and she also suffers with some as yet undiagnosed mental issues which we believe to be somewhere in the autistic spectrum. Regardless of this she goes to mainstream school and does well but there is a clear difference between her and other kids of her age.
We recieve no support from her mother regaerding these issues so in the time that she is with us we are battling against the tide to try to help her past these things. This makes us the bad guys all the time as we are constantly on her back trying to teach her skills which she needs to have as normal a life as possible. Admittedly, it is me more than her Dad as I do not cope as well as he does. This is without a doubt becasue I have zero maternal instincts and become frustrated and resentful very quickly.
I was working abroad for the first couple of years of our relationship and jumped into moving in together as soon as I was back in the country permenantly. Two years down the line, I regret that decision and the kids are only with us 40% of the time. I love my other half and would never want to be without him, but we should never have moved in together, given my feelings towards having kids.
As much as I explain my feelings to him, he will never get it. he tries his best, but , like you have said, he thinks that in time, my feelings will change and I'll enjoy being a step parent.
All that has happened is that I have grown more and more resentful that I am doing their mother's job for her, I am going without to make sure that the kids have nice things and are comfortable in our home. I base my work schedule around these kids (so does my other half)and I base my personal life around the extra stuff which nobody ever thinks about which come with having kids. The extra laundry, the extra errands, the extra shopping, cooking, cleaning and so on. My other half and I share these task but it still takes up a huge chunk of my life and I resent the hell out of it, but, i have nobody to blame but myself. I made the moving in decision and like you say, its not the kids' fault so I just have to suck it up and do what is right for them. You know what? I had lunch with my best friend on Friday. Do you know how long it was since the last time we were able to have lunch together? 10 months! because my life is taken up by these kids which I never wanted.
I love them and they are good kids, but I know that I would be happier, much happier, if I did not live with them. If I could choose the time which I spend with them we would all be a lot happier. They sense it, my other half sees it too.
If your Step kid to be has ADHD, she will be very hard to cope with if you don't really enjoy kids. You will be on your own with her and you said there is nobody local to help out. You will be shouldering the stress alone. I know that I have behaved badly due to the stress I feel in dealing with the one with the problems that we have. I have shouted at her beacuase of my own frustration. I have sent her to her room purely becasue she was irritating me and I had no more emotional resources to draw on to be able to deal with her in the right way. I have even caught myself deliberately withholding affection and nice things because I've been so worked up over my situation and her behaviour and I've had to force myself to do the right thing. It is bloody hard. I never had the baby time with these kids and so find it a lot more difficult to let things go when the kids are being shitty. I hold onto the negative emotion becasue I don't have the inbuilt forgivnesss that i guess comes with having a biological child.
This child is not your responsibility and her Dad needs to arrange some support if he intends to have her live with him/you full time. He cannot expect you to shoulder this burden, becasue for you, it will always be a burden. Think long and hard before moving in together and don't do it at all if he is not prepared to pay for some help to allow you to go to med school. If he is not prepared to do that for you then rest assured, your needs will ALWAYS come last. You will end up feeling like I do. I made the choice to live with them so I have to deal with it.
dup post--pardon the firewall
dup post--pardon the firewall
About five or six years ago
About five or six years ago on this site there was a young woman who got married to a man who had a (I think) six year old kid. She wanted to go to medical school. The DH just got more and more guilty and did EVERYTHING to placate the BM and bratty SD. The SD got more bratty and entitled, making herself the focus of everything. The DH quit and lived off of this young, responsible woman who tried desperately to make a go of it. The DH even DEMANDED that she buy GROCERIES for the lazy BM!! She was always funding DH's court fees as well as BM kept dragging them back to court routinely.
She was put DEAD LAST and was often put to nanny duty. She finally decided after several years of this bullshit that she had had enough. She separated, got a divorce and went on her way to med school to become a doctor as she had originally planned. She turned out to be an immensely happy, young woman and met up with plenty of young men that DIDN'T have that level of baggage (read: no previously enjoyed family)
Get out NOW and pursue your medical career!! This sort of thing only gets worse!
I can't imagine it coming to
I can't imagine it coming to that, given that my DH would like to see his ex-wife dead in a ditch before he'd give her money, especially now that he has sole custody of DSD. Also, I can't really explain it and it may come across as being in denial to everyone, but my DH really does desperately want to be involved in DSD's life, it's just his work is going to prohibit it for the next year and a half.
We did have an honest discussion about it last night and he understands my feelings completely and we're exploring childcare options to try and find a compromise. He doesn't want her to have to stay in aftercare until 8 or 9 p.m. (which is often when he gets home) and I don't want that for her either. It's looking like she should be able to do occupational therapy at the aftercare center so that's good to go. I would just need to pick her up around 6, feed her dinner, let her roam the house a bit and have her in bed by 8:30. I tried to make it clear that I didn't want to "raise" her exactly. I'd see that her needs were met and she got attention, but it shouldn't be up to me to shape the person she is directly. I think we'll end up having a bond, but I think it's very different than a parental bond, and I didn't want the blame for being a bad "parent" if she threw a tantrum at school or anything like that, because I'm not her "parent." I guess how it all works out remains to be seen, but we'll see. My DH and I are recently married, but we've been together for a total of 6 years. I know he's the one for me.
As for my biggest fears about DSD, she just is very time-demanding and always underfoot, like the type that knocks on the bathroom door when you're on the toilet wanting to know what you're up to. That's honestly my biggest concern. If she was more independent and didn't have the behavioral issues and developmental delays, I'd feel a lot better about it, even if she was a sulky brat who hated my guts. Honestly, we get along pretty well, it's just she ALWAYS has to be right next to you, asking questions.
Don't give up med school!
Don't give up med school! YOU. WILL. REGRET. IT.
His kid, his problem. He can pay a sitter like everyone else.