New and feeling overwhelmed
:?
Okay so long story as short as possible. My husband of 6 years has a son who just turned 6. The woman took off and he wasn't able to find her. Needless to say he found her, sued for custody, won and now going on one week have had my hubby's 6 year old son living with us. The mother lives 12 hours away, so I know it is new for him and it is new for my husband and I as we have no children together and this is his only child. His son talks to his mother everyday and she gets him twice a year if she can afford it. Like I said it is all new so we don't know what will happen yet. My husband was awarded full custody and her visitation. I guess my dilemma or over whelming feeling comes from the lack of bond. I know everyone will either say over time or that I am not his mother, but during this last school break I spent everyday with him- as my husband works and I am home with him. I take him to school, feed him, bathe him and everything else. Most of the time things are great but it is just a feeling of distance I wonder if it will ever go away. My husband leaves most of the "rule" making up to me, which I do not mind. I don't have kids so is throwing a tantrum normal when you say no to something or should I feel like it's because I am step mom.
First, he is not your child
First, he is not your child and you don't have to love him. Accept that as a fact.
Second, you need to sit down with your DH and ask for guidance with his son. What is acceptable and what isn't.
It seems your DH is allowing you to become the disciplinarian which allows him to be the good guy. Now I didn't really give a rats arse whether my ssons thought I was the good or bad guy. But in your situation it may be better for his father to be the rule maker.
However this little boy is now living with you and neither of you are equipped to deal with him. May I suggest a parenting course for both of you?
Your DH isn't parenting his
Your DH isn't parenting his child, he's solely allowing you too. This isn't ok.
I'm a SM and you aren't expected - nor should you expect - to bond, love, or connect with your SS on a parent-child level. The distant you feel may never go away because he isn't your child. It is what it is.
I agree with the previous poster to take a parenting course. And, as a new stepmom, I recommend Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. It's a great book that I wish I had read sooner.
Don't feel pressure to be
Don't feel pressure to be bonded to the child. Give it time. Someday you MAY bond and maybe you won't. Give yourself a break with knowing that it's natural NOT to feel bonded towards a child that isn't naturally yours. Think of it this way, let's say you have a sister and so does your DH, would you expect yourself to love his sister like she was your own sister? Doubtful, so don't fall under the idea that just because your stepson is a child that you're supposed to have motherly feelings for him. As for the tantrums, tantrums CAN be normal when you don't get what you want when you're a child. No one likes not getting what they want, it sucks! Children don't often have the skills to deal with it. They should be taught to develop coping skills and taught that tantrums are not what get them what they want and that hey, sometimes you simply just don't get what you want. Unfortunately it really shouldn't be you parenting him by yourself. It's really not fair to you that your husband made the decision to chase down his child and then basically dump the responsibility on you. You're not a babysitter you're his wife. He needs to be more involved with his child. You're his SUPPORT system not the other way around. You can help him but your husband should be the one doing most of the caregiving.