Not a kid person...but inheriting one

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Hi everyone,

So a bit of background to explain my situation. My boyfriend just proposed (yay), so next step is him and his daughter moving in with me. He has had full custody of his daughter since she was about 1.5 years old (she'll be 4 next month). Her bio mom has had no contact with her in the last couple of years. Therefore, I am expected to be her mother (I'm assuming). Of course, I love my man, and I love how he's really stepped up and changed his life to be a good father. However, I never desired children. I'm terrified for all the changes coming up: living together, school, daycare, etc. Typically I only see his daughter on the weekends, when I visit them at their house. At this point, I am struggling to see the positives. While I'm thrilled to be moving forward in my relationship, I have no idea how to prepare for my world to be turned upside down with the addition of a kid full time. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated

Welcome!

I would recommend having a conversation with your fiance about what that will look like before they move in. Some parents want a replacement parent while others don't want their SO involved in discipline. I think many here will say that taking an approach similar to an aunt is the best relationship to have. This means if you see behavior that needs immediate attention addressing it but otherwise leave the discipline to the parent and having more of a fun relationship with the kids. I would also recommend doing a lot of reading about other stories in here so you know what you could potentially getting into.

I would recommend taking time before moving in especially if your relationship is fairly new and working on spending more time with them. Maybe have them spend the night once in a while and see what the routine looks like.

This ^^^^ And definitely

This ^^^^ And definitely discuss expectations regarding your level of involvement to make sure you are on the same page. Also, discuss discipline approach, chores when it comes time...literally anything you can think of that may be an issue, talk about beforehand and try to get on the same page. Make a list. Read blogs on here to get inspiration about all the crap that comes up and causes issues and makes us want to pull our hair out and try to address all you can. I’m not a kid person either honestly. I care about skids and love SD, but if I were expected to be their mom, I’m not sure I could handle that. My SO handles a lot and doesn’t expect me to be their mom. On the other hand, if you are really going to take on the mom role, talk about if your voice is as equal as his.

Things are different once you move in. We don’t even have skids full-time (although we have them 67% of the time), and i need breaks all the time. We didn’t talk about anything before I moved in, and we had some knock-down drag-out fights about skid stuff. We eventually resolved most of it, but it was HARD. The thought of full custody terrifies me. You WILL feel stressed and frustrated and need a break. Make sure you set expectations with your fiancé so that you are able to get that. Maybe even stay there for a week at a time as a trial to get a feel of the situation and what might need to be talked about. Good luck!

I’d also very thoroughly

I’d also very thoroughly discuss finances and what you are each expected to contribute to the household.

Finances are tricky...but become exponentially difficult when you’re talking about a blended family.

Make sure he contributes more to the household since he’s bringing more people...please protect yourself and don’t risk your best earning and saving years for someone else’s child...

You must work this out before you

Let them move in. Are you and BF ever going to have free time ? To Have dates alone, go away on weekends alone, go on vacations alone. Is your money going to be used on SD. Will you have to babysit? Will there be daddy daughter time without you ? Are you going to do everything for SD and SO is out with the boys ?

will BM “ find god” and be back into SD life ? Do you want Your own baby ? Does he want more kids ? 75 % of this type of marriage fails.

I'm with the others, this

I'm with the others, this MUST be discussed before they move in (frankly, should have been discussed before you got engaged).

It's not uncommon for missing BMs to resurface when they find out their ex is getting married, and make everyone's life hellish. He should make sure he has LEGAL sole custody before that happens so she can't waltz in and just demand time with the child.

And you should only parent to the extent that you want to, and not just as a nanny, either.

You're not a kid person and

You're not a kid person and with a man who has a full time kid. Right now the relationship is new and you get alone time with him. When they move in that is essentially done - no more privacy not alone time with you SO because the kid will always be there. Read through the bio-kid free forum - many other childfree women thought they could handle it but it quickly introduced a level of hell to their lives they did not expect. Point blank, if you are not a kid person this is not the man for you. Your life will quickly morph to focus on the kid, including your resources and time. Find somebody else who is also not a kid person, there are plenty of childfree men on the market.

I'd just like to add that you

I'd just like to add that you are not reven going to get the perks and joys of the first few years, the honeymoon period, that single people get when they get married, before they decide to have kids. You will be straight into the 100% drudgery from the first day - you cannot begin to imagine the resentment that you can build ...

This would only be the man for you if he did not have a child. Think about it, what are the things that you most need to be on the same page about when you get married? Religion, finances, whether to have children and how many. You are missing one of the main pillars of a married relationship - you are going against your inclination to NOT have children. That does not bode well for yoiur future together.

Here is my advice and

Here is my advice and you are not going to like it. The world is divided into 2 types of people. People with kids and people without kids. People with kids, no matter how hard and with how much sincerity they try to join their lives with someone without kids, will always return to "my child is the center of my life."' That is just the way it is. The person who can balance priorities and responsibilities and recognize that sometimes the needs of an adult really do outweigh those of a child (adult is ill or has something going on that requires a spouse's attention but child is crying because he wants to go get ice cream) is a true unicorn. People with kids naturally respond with "the child is upset and the adult can take care of themselves." People without kids will say "the adult needs their spouse and ice cream will still exist tomorrow." The board is full of people who have spent years bashing their heads against the wall trying to make the parent and non-parent co-exist. It is hard. Harder than you could possibly imagine. The vast majority go into it thinking that love will keep them together but in the end it is shared property and an unwillingness to throw away a familiar life. There is still love but a lot of it got burned away through endless fights over the same issues and a feeling of being an outsider in their own home. Have a very long engagement, don't get pregnant, and don't make any major joint purchases unless and until you decide if this guy is worth it.

Talk to your fiance about the

Talk to your fiance about the expectations and what's going on. Draw a line at what you will an dwill not do. Pertaining to the kid, life, EVERYTHING.

Set it all out in the open now BEFORE moving in together.

I am a non-breeding father as

I am a non-breeding father as you are about to become a non-breeding mother.

My wife and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary later this year. Our son, my former SS-26, was 15mos old when we started dating. His mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.

Since my wife and I are equity life partners, that also makes us equity parents to any spawn in our home regardless of kid biology. As it turned out, SS is an only child in our home though he is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned sibs by three baby mamas in the SpermClan. My SS's BioDad is about as big of a waste of skin parent as your STBSD's BM is.

If you and your FDH are to be equity life partners, you are also going to have to be equity parents to your FSD. My bride's support of my equity parentship of our son was critical. Your FDH will have to support your equity parentship in your marriage.

This is a critical success factor to my wife and I having a great marriage.

To cap my equity parents adventure off..... our son asked me to adopt him when he was 22. So now we have paperwork that officially recognizes what has always been the case.

I am his dad.

Good luck and take care of youself through the blended family ride.

Pump the brakes honey. You

Pump the brakes honey. You 100% need to understand what this all means moving forward... because no, the next logical step may not be them moving in with you. And.. if you are not a kid person.. why would you take on the mother role? does your BF expect that? if you both have very different ideas of how your life will look.. you will be on here daily.. ignoring advice and living a frustrated existence.

I think you would benefit from premarital counseling to see where you both line up on topics ranging from finances to children.

He may be an amazing guy.. but if he has qualities that aren't amazing.. or baggage you can't help him carry..or deal with.. then it isn't fair to bang both your heads against the wall.

I'm not a kid person.

I've been with my husband for 5+ years. SD lives with us full-time. She's 7 years old. I've been her stepmom since 2 years old and her mom is very minimally involved.

It's hard. I never grew to be a kid person. I had my own biological child 16 months ago and it's been wonderful. I'm still not a kid person, but I'm a "my kid" person - he's my entire world. I have all the love in the world for him. Still no love for my stepdaughter, though.

The guilt gets to you. This girl knows me more than she knows her own biological mother. I know she wants the same love I have for my son. But I just can't find it in me. I strongly believe that if i WERE a kid person before being a stepparent, I would have grown into it and found SOME love for her. I think people who are kid people can start loving their stepkids - not the same way you'd love a biological kid but they can do it.

I just can't. And it sucks. I am constantly having to fake it because I know she sees me loving my son and I know my husband hurts because his daughter doesn't have the mother/child bond that his son does. It's harder than I can express with words. I struggle knowing my son will grow up and notice and think less of me, and that kills me.

It's hard when you're not a kid person - being around an unrelated child all the time. Think it through before you move in. Is this really what you want? A life-time of faking it? A life-time of being annoyed, frustrated, and wanting someone to go away when you know those feelings aren't fair to the person on the receiving end?

I found the opposite to be

I found the opposite to be true in my life. I am such a huge ‘kid person’ and always have been. I’m the oldest of six, spoil my niece and nephews...taught school and coached youth softball and soccer for years. It’s odd...I’m one of those people who kids stare at and come up to in the grocery store to talk to. When I used to take my youngest sister to the park...or now when I take my niece and nephews...within 10 minutes I have a swarm of kids wanting to play.

Say all that to say...I went into this genuinely thinking that it would be a piece of cake and that I would naturally love the skids and they’d naturally love me. I was actually EXCITED about it :-/

And...truthfully I don’t have a BAD relationship with my skids. But, given my nature and expectations I was so surprised and upset when I started having very negative feelings and lots of resentment toward them. I never in my life would have thought I’d be able to feel resentment toward a child.

Things have settled out now that they’re all grown...but I went in “loving” them and wanting to care for them...grew to greatly dislike (I won’t say hate) and resent them...and then settled into a kind of benevolent indifference, which I think is the best I can hope for.

READ and listen to all of the

READ and listen to all of the above do not "assume" anything.

Talk it alllllll out. Responsibility, authority, money, time, vacations, work, weekends, free time, fears, exitement, family (extended too!), school, etc. All of it will be affected. For both of you. If you and your DH cannot sit down and discuss everything - maybe not at one time - then you will have problems. The thing that saves DH and I is that we can talk. We may not always agree (less agreement on SDs) but we can at least talk and make our feelings clear.

Have you two considered couples counseling? It may be a good place to begin.

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Not a kid person...but inheriting one